Violated ❌❌❌

[unapologeticallypoly]

I wanted to properly introduce myself back into the forums but I can hardly think straight and need some help from people who understand my situation.

I’ve been poly for 3 years now With my girlfriend. She is married with children and we all share a house together. I have not come completely out as bisexual or poly so I have limited people to talk to about this situation and the few people that do know, I really don’t want to drag them into this.

For the past year, my girlfriend and I have lived together. I am not romantically involved with her husband whatsoever. I actually believed we were pretty good friends until recently. I have my own room and my gf would sleep in my room or often come upstairs when she couldn’t sleep at night...especially since her husband is a gamer and stays up until 2 or 3 in the morning on his game. However for the past few months, we’ve been watching tv in her room (bigger bed bigger tv) and I’ve fallen asleep there. He used to go to the guest room and I would tell him to wake me up when he’s done with his game and that I would have no problem at all going to my room. I wanted him to make sure I understood the boundaries of their marriage and didn’t want to impose. I would even set my alarm to go to my room because I thought sometimes he just didn’t want to interrupt my sleep.

But lately, he’s been sleeping in the bed...all 3 of us. I felt that I should leave and my girlfriend insisted on me staying because she sleeps better with me. The past few nights have been extremely uncomfortable for me. She sleeps in the middle OF COURSE so when these situations happened, it made it hard for me to believe they were on accident.

The first incident, I was sleep with my back turned and felt a hand on my butt. I thought it was a mistake and just scooted over and went back to sleep. But the second night, I woke up to a hand in my pants and I just knew it was my girlfriend but when I opened my eyes, it looked like she was sleep. I wasn’t sure this was done on purpose seeing as it is three people in the bed and maybe he thought I was her. But then tonight, again, I was sleep and my girlfriends back was turned to me and I felt his hands on my stomach, rubbing and squeezing on me. I got up and immediately left the room.

I’ve been so upset and I feel violated. I feel like this is all my fault and I should’ve known better than to sleep in their bed. We’ve been in this poly situation for a few years now and he’s never done anything inappropriate and I just never expected this. Im very close to their children and she is my best friend and girlfriend and I considered him like family, like a brother. Now I don’t know what to do, what to say, how to act. I feel violated and dirty and taken advantage of and guilty. I want to tell my girlfriend with every fiber in my being I want to tell her. I feel like I need to, that it’s my obligation as a friend. But she just so happened to tell me yesterday that she feels like she’s goong through a depressive episode (she’s been diagnosed with depression) and i feel Like the timing couldn’t be any worse. I don’t want to cause problems in their marriage. They have 3 children to think about. But I don’t know how the dynamics will ever be the same

I can’t sleep. I’m not myself. I don’t have anyone to talk to. And I have to live in this house until the lease is up later this year.

I need some advice please and thank you.

Sorry for the rambling...I told you guys I can’t think straight.

 

[powerpuffgrl1969]

I don't have any real words of wisdom for you, as I have just woken up. However, you have every right to feel safe where you live! This is not something you can just sweep under the rug because you are feeling protective of your girlfriend. The husband is sexually assaulting you. It's NOT okay!

 

[Tinwen]

I'm sorry you've been hurt like this.

I don't know what's feasible in your situation, but maybe consider confronting him directly, especially since you say he's been your friend. He needs to know that what he's done is absolutely unacceptable to you. And just maybe there's a way to sort this out seeking apology, amends and more honesty in the future - just maybe, I'm not saying you should trust him again, I just can imagine certain situations where it could be possible.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry this happened to you. This is not ok.

1) Stop sleeping in her/their bed

2) Tell them why. "I woke up with husband touching me -- hands on my butt, in my pants, etc. I do not want to be groped when I am asleep. I asked to be woken up so I could move to my room. Not receive unwanted touching. I feel upset/violated."

3) If him groping his wife's GF causes problems in their marriage? That is the consequences of his actions. You were not the one doing the groping.

4) If this means you also make plans to move out earlier/break the lease/take the financial ding to get out... you have to figure all that out.

Groping people while they sleep is def not ok though.

Galagirl

 

[vinsanity0]

I would just take him aside and tell him you are not comfortable with what he did. Since you got up and left he probably already has an idea. Communicate directly. Once your boundary is fully established, if the behavior continues you know you have a problem.

 

[Dagferi]

I am sorry but this is sexual assault.

Gtfo of that house and into a place of your own.

According to the United States Department of Justice, sexual assault is “any type of sexual contact or behavior that occurs without the explicit consent of the recipient.”

 

[kdt26417]

Hello unapologeticallypoly,

Sorry the husband did that to you, that was totally uncool on his part. I would suggest getting out of that house as soon as possible, and as long as you're still there, stop going into their bedroom. I also suggest sitting down with both of them and telling them what happened and that you were and are totally nonconsenting. Tell them that this is why you won't be entering their room anymore. Tell them that you are getting yourself out of their house as soon as you can. Don't let the shame that you feel convince you to help him keep it a secret. Get it out in the open.

I don't blame you for feeling violated.
Sympathetically,
Kevin T.

 

[vinsanity0]

I think some of you are over-reacting a little bit. The guy is not a monster. He made an inappropriate pass. It's not like he is Louis CK or Harvey Weinstein.

And no, I'm not downplaying the OP's feelings. I'm saying there are levels. I'm not sure why three lives need to be destroyed over a misunderstanding that could probably be cleared up with a few simple words. At least give the guy a chance to make it right.

 

[Dagferi]

I think some of you are over-reacting a little bit. The guy is not a monster. He made an inappropriate pass. It's not like he is Louis CK or Harvey Weinstein.

And no, I'm not downplaying the OP's feelings. I'm saying there are levels. I'm not sure why three lives need to be destroyed over a misunderstanding that could probably be cleared up with a few simple words. At least give the guy a chance to make it right.

Sticking his hands in her pants while she is sleeping is NOT an inappropriate pass.

It is at least attempted sexual assault. She DID NOT give him him permission to touch her that way and his "advances" are not welcome. They are not in any sort of relationship what so ever beyond friendship.

I know I do not go sticking my hands down the pants of my friends when they sleep and my best friend is a heterosexual male.

 

[Tinwen]

That guy put a hand into some else's pants while they were sleeping. He should know better.
Giving him a chance or not is the OP's decision to make.

 

[vinsanity0]

She DID NOT give him him permission to touch her that way and his "advances" are not welcome. They are not in any sort of relationship what so ever beyond friendship.
.

Exactly. And this needs to be pointed out to him. I see no reason to flee based on what was written here. I'm not saying ignore it. I'm saying confront him.

 

[Voluptuouschef]

Unappologeticallypoly,
I'm so sorry you were touched without your consent. There is nothing wrong with how you are feeling and it was not your fault. It was his. This is a hard situation considering how long you have been with them and the nature of your gfs mental state. I can see how after the first incident you were assuming it was an accident, your the victim thats how it goes. As someone who has been sexually assaulted I can understand where you are currently emotionally. It sucks. I don't know what the right move is for you exactly except you need to worry about your own mental health and well being. He knows better, I know my husband often feels me up without being awake but I'm right next to him. The fact that she is in between means it was intentional. You need to talk to them both together and be prepared to leave the house if the situation is not resolved to your satisfaction. Keeping it from her will only break trust between you and your gf. Make sure you are clear about how violated you feel and that he understands clearly that he assaulted you. You could press charges that's how serious it is. It is not okay, do not give him a pass because if you do he will continue and who knows. He violated your trust and your body it is not okay to keep it from her or to let him off. Talk, words are powerful, try not to be afraid of the consequences he did it not you. Stay safe, aftersilence.org, a safe forum if your interested, you can get the password for the females only forum from an administrator.

 

[Emm]

And no, I'm not downplaying the OP's feelings.

Yes, you are.

She was sexually assaulted while sleeping, and you're not only telling her it's not worth getting upset about, but also asking her to have pity on the poor clueless guy who couldn't possibly have known that sticking his hands down someone's pants without asking might not be ok.

 

[vinsanity0]

Yes, you are.

She was sexually assaulted while sleeping, and you're not only telling her it's not worth getting upset about, but also asking her to have pity on the poor clueless guy who couldn't possibly have known that sticking his hands down someone's pants without asking might not be ok.

I said no such things. She should be upset. I also never said she should have pity on him. How are you even coming up with that bullshit? On what planet does confronting him mean pitying him? I don't think he is some poor confused guy. He needs to be set straight. I guess I should also point out I know she is entirely blameless, even if he misread something or whatever is going on in his head.

It's funny how we all say communication is key, then turn around and throw that right out the window.

 

[Emm]

I said no such things. She should be upset. I also never said she should have pity on him. How are you even coming up with that bullshit?

I'm not sure why three lives need to be destroyed over a misunderstanding that could probably be cleared up with a few simple words. At least give the guy a chance to make it right.

You described it as "a misunderstanding" and suggested that she "at least give the guy a chance". The first part minimises the offence and the second suggests she should give him undeserved leniency, aka take pity on him.

I don't think he is some poor confused guy.

If he's not confused, then who's doing the misunderstanding? You can't have it both ways.

 

[Ravenscroft]

A totally terrible situation.

Therefore, I don't see why it's being brought up online before a bunch of faceless strangers.

Exercise common sense: call the police, or bring it out into the open, or leave.

The utter lack of communication in the vee DOES bother me. It's a conspiracy of silence, and this is likely NOT the first obvious outbreak.
________________

Taking a step back:

When it comes to defining what anyone means by "polyamory," what ONE word is it that recurs time & again?

That would be COMMUNICATION.

In this situation, there is no communication, & has likely not been for a while. Based on that alone, it's not polyamory, so "a poly solution" would at best be inappropriate.
________________

The household is based upon a weak/sloppy hinge. The OP has been protecting the hinge's weakness. If the three of them are still living together in a week, they very much need to address their failing dynamic.

It's a toxic environment, sure, & all three probably derived benefit from the toxicity buildup.

 

[jayblue122]

The first incident, I was sleep with my back turned and felt a hand on my butt. I thought it was a mistake and just scooted over and went back to sleep.

But the second night, I woke up to a hand in my pants and I just knew it was my girlfriend but when I opened my eyes, it looked like she was sleep.

Then tonight, again, I was sleep and my girlfriends back was turned to me and I felt his hands on my stomach, rubbing and squeezing on me. I got up and immediately left the room.

Excuse me if I have misunderstood, OP. But are you saying in the second incident, your girlfriend was the perpetrator? Or in all three cases, was it the husband?

One of my partners is an uber agressive cuddler in his sleep and is very grabby while not concious. From the incidents as you described them I could find it plausible that perhaps the husband is like my my partner and perhaps he is not concious of this.

As for how your girlfriends hand got in your pants that is the one that strikes me as odd. Particularly since you have slept with her before and are familiar with her sleeping habits, unlike with the husband.

I would suggest sitting them down and talking about what happened, concidering you have been close with then for the past three years I would hope they would be willing to have such a conversation with you.

I would also suggest not continuing to share their bed.

 

[vinsanity0]

I said to give him a chance to make it right. At least one other person in this thread said the same thing.

And it doesn't matter what you think was suggested by what I said. What I actually said is right there in black and white.

 

[vinsanity0]

One of my partners is an uber agressive cuddler in his sleep and is very grabby while not concious. From the incidents as you described them I could find it plausible that perhaps the husband is like my my partner and perhaps he is not concious of this.

I read this and realized I am the same way. That is probably coloring my opinion.

 

[Emm]

And it doesn't matter what you think was suggested by what I said. What I actually said is right there in black and white.

You're right. You flat out said that the victim of a sexual assault should give her assailant a second chance. I'm sorry to have watered it down by using the word "suggested" earlier.