Communication not working

T

TurtleBug

New member
A lot of tmi and maybe NSFW in this post so proceed with caution.

I am seriously lacking in intimacy. I know being 9 months pregnant isn't helping matters at all but I'm at a loss on what else to do. I've tried talking to both my husband and bf and explaining to them my needs but they both just bush it off and it gets us nowhere. Self service only helps so much. I need the physical affection of my partners. I'm feeling gross and undesirable and knowing that it's going to get even more scarce after the baby gets here scares the crap outta me.

Am I just being hormonal and needy or is it wrong of me to wish they'd be more handsy or at least more communicative with all of these emotions from both sides?
 
Please stop bashing yourself. Yes, you ARE "hormonal" AND "needy" & anyone who has a problem with that is at best foolish.

You have two so-called "partners" who you feel are doing nothing to carry their own weight. This has been stated previously. A few months from now, if your observation remains, I hope you will attempt to objectively examine why it is that you have chosen to attach yourself to TWO dead weights.
 
Yes I know there's more they could do. Overall we get along well. But I feel like a burden bc one works 40 hours a week and the other has had a lot of stress lately. But the fact that I tell them/ask them for intimacy and get blown off is what hurts. And it's gotten to the point that I'm afraid to ask for it or even initiate it for the fear of being rejected which would just make me feel even more undesirable. I shouldn't be afraid to ask my husband for sex or dread asking why he seems so uninterested!
 
It should hurt because it's wrong. The solution isn't to just shut up and endure it. You may all get along, but do you want partners or just friends/roommates? As partners they should be there for you. Obviously I've never been pregnant, but I imagine that is more stressful than any job.

Some guys do get freaked out by a woman having a baby inside of her. That's jusr immaturity.
 
Both claim that it isn't bc of the baby. I honestly don't know if I believe them on that or not. But I also know they are not obligated to have sex with me and I feel that if I push the issue it would be nonconsentual and they'd only do it to please me. Where is that line crossed? I don't want to force my own partners into having sex.
 
Is this a longterm thing or a "shit I just became incredibly horny in my last weeks of pregnancy" problem?
 
Tinwen said:
Is this a longterm thing or a "shit I just became incredibly horny in my last weeks of pregnancy" problem?
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Kinda long term, at least with me and my husband. We've always fluctuated in our sex life but never have we gone more than a week. And lately it's a month at a time.

Bf and I are usually one to two times a week and in the last few months have gone down to every two weeks or more.

So it is a long-term thing but not as Spaced out as it as been in our last few months.
 
TurtleBug said:
Both claim that it isn't bc of the baby. I honestly don't know if I believe them on that or not. But I also know they are not obligated to have sex with me and I feel that if I push the issue it would be nonconsentual and they'd only do it to please me. Where is that line crossed? I don't want to force my own partners into having sex.
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It could be subconscious. It could be something else. The key here is they either can't or won't tell you what it is. The issue you should be pushing isn't for them to have sex with you. The issue is for them to tell you what is going on with them. Then, if whatever that is can be worked out, the actual physical sex part can be worked out.
 
vinsanity0 said:
It could be subconscious. It could be something else. The key here is they either can't or won't tell you what it is. The issue you should be pushing isn't for them to have sex with you. The issue is for them to tell you what is going on with them. Then, if whatever that is can be worked out, the actual physical sex part can be worked out.
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Even pushing the issue on what's wrong gets me nowhere. My husband and I have always had really good communication but he basically shuts down when I try to talk to him about this and that worries me more.
 
Hello TurtleBug,

I can see why you are worried, about your husband, and boyfriend. It seems like you might be more worried about your husband, is that true? or are you equally worried about both of them?

Can you sit down with both of them, tell them what's been going on from your point of view, and inform them that you need them to open up about what's changed or is wrong, and for them to stop stonewalling? This silence on their part can't go on forever.

I'm sorry they're being difficult.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hello TurtleBug,

I can see why you are worried, about your husband, and boyfriend. It seems like you might be more worried about your husband, is that true? or are you equally worried about both of them?

Can you sit down with both of them, tell them what's been going on from your point of view, and inform them that you need them to open up about what's changed or is wrong, and for them to stop stonewalling? This silence on their part can't go on forever.

I'm sorry they're being difficult.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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I'm worried about both but it does feel like I'm more worried about my husband than my bf. Not to compare tho it does come off that way, but me and bf do occasionally have sex. With my husband it's almost obsolete. And since he's in a somewhat new relationship with a mono minded person it crosses my mind that he's withholding for her sake. He's made comments in the last few weeks about bdsm play with me and stated that he doesn't know how she'd feel about it. It's petty comments but still things that make me go, "hmmm, that doesn't sound right." She is very new to this. Her new bf is married (my husband ) he has a baby on the way, etc etc. All things I've been working on myself and trying to help him with as well. Getting her comfortable with the idea of all of this, making her feel welcome in our home when she visits, giving them alone time. All of these things are easy for he and I to talk about but as soon as I comment on our lack of intimacy I get a shrug or change of subject.

Bf isn't much different, I ask what's up and he just shrugs it off to no big deal. I'm tired, we need to go to bed, gotta get up early. And yes. I've tried initiating during the day when he seems to have plenty of energy but he either finds a way to change the subject or seems uninterested to the point that it kills the mood.

It's just so frustrating to want that physical attention from my loves and not getting anywhere. Even on talking about it :'(
 
Those aren't petty comments. That is the tip of an iceberg. What he does with you is none of her business.
 
I'm feeling gross and undesirable and knowing that it's going to get even more scarce after the baby gets here scares the crap outta me.
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Why would it get more scarce? Are you scaring your own self thinking this?

Am I just being hormonal and needy or is it wrong of me to wish they'd be more handsy or at least more communicative with all of these emotions from both sides?
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It's ok to be hormonal and horny in pregnancy. It's ok to wish that your partners would be more handsy. It's ok to want them to communicate.

If on their side they are secretly wigging out because you are closer to birth? And /or because super pregnant sex turns them off because of worry or feeling the baby move or whatever... that's fine to feel. You aren't going to be pregnant forever.

Having been there? Pregnant sex was def not as "free" as non-pregnant sex. Esp in the final weeks. I was so round and cumbersome. We had to keep stopping and rearrange support pillows. Certainly positions needed a lot of navigating. Time outs were necessary. It's a different experience than just being able to have non-pregnant sex any old which way as the inspiration strikes and roll all over the bed or around the room.

It was more "negotiated" and slower in pace because allowances had to be made for my changing body.

If they won't articulate, maybe you could take a stab in the dark. "Is my being this pregnant the problem? You don't want to share sex with me while I'm this pregnant because of X?"

Then maybe you can figure out how to solve the X or work around it.

Galagirl
 
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GalaGirl said:
Why would it get more scarce? Are you scaring your own self thinking this?



It's ok to be hormonal and horny in pregnancy. It's ok to wish that your partners would be more handsy. It's ok to want them to communicate.

If on their side they are secretly wigging out because you are closer to birth? And /or because super pregnant sex turns them off because of worry or feeling the baby move or whatever... that's fine to feel. You aren't going to be pregnant forever.

Having been there? Pregnant sex was def not as "free" as non-pregnant sex. Esp in the final weeks. I was so round and cumbersome. We had to keep stopping and rearrange support pillows. Certainly positions needed a lot of navigating. Time outs were necessary. It's a different experience than just being able to have non-pregnant sex any old which way as the inspiration strikes and roll all over the bed or around the room.

It was more "negotiated" and slower in pace because allowances had to be made for my changing body.

If they won't articulate, maybe you could take a stab in the dark. "Is my being this pregnant the problem? You don't want to share sex with me while I'm this pregnant because of X?"

Then maybe you can figure out how to solve the X or work around it.

Galagirl
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I do have a bad habit of over thinking stuff so I probably am scaring myself on the post baby sex. Between feedings, diapers, new baby stuff I don't see where we'd have the time or definitely energy to get back in the groove tho I know those things take time.

All of those fears and insecurities I can/would understand but they have to tell me that's what is holding us up, I can't read their minds. Although it would make things a heck of a lot easier lol

The few times we have does it has been a bit of a challenge but a little navigation and patience helps. I've even expressed how a little more foreplay would be nice. Stuff that doesn't require as much effort, so to speak.
 
Between feedings, diapers, new baby stuff I don't see where we'd have the time or definitely energy to get back in the groove tho I know those things take time.
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There's a healing time so PIV (if you have vaginal birth) may be out for a little bit. Or perhaps wearing gloves (for smoothness) or using glass dildos (which are COLD and smooth) might feel ok at the start of reintroducing that?

Caesarean is another kind of healing.

Either way it may have to be more outercourse than intercourse and a greater focus on sensual play, foreplay, etc. But there's a lot of time spent in the bed nursing, sleeping, cuddling baby... so it can lead to other intimate moments too.

I don't recall a waning of desire or time to share sex while pregnant or after birth. It was more about being flexible and being ok with that time of life being what it is.

All of those fears and insecurities I can/would understand but they have to tell me that's what is holding us up, I can't read their minds. Although it would make things a heck of a lot easier lol
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You cannot read their minds. But you can take a stab in the dark. IME, sometimes having someone else name the thing can open the floodgates.

The few times we have does it has been a bit of a challenge but a little navigation and patience helps. I've even expressed how a little more foreplay would be nice. Stuff that doesn't require as much effort, so to speak.
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Keep communicating on your end then. What activities would be welcome.

I remember at that time of life my spouse became the "King of Pillows" after I explained I needed support pillows during any kind of pregnant sex. So every pillow shape in the house was pressed into service. Rectangles, squares, bolsters, body length pillows, etc. He would go window shopping for other pillow shapes online and asked me if I would like any other ones. He was happy to order them.

We are at a different time of life now with me in perimenopause and having to deal with those kinds of body changes. I was complaining the other day the the hormone weird sometimes felt like morning sickness all over again.

He joked "Well, if you need pillows again, I'm still the king of pillows!"

Humor can sometimes help.

Hang in there!

Galagirl
 
GalaGirl said:
There's a healing time so PIV (if you have vaginal birth) may be out for a little bit. Or perhaps wearing gloves (for smoothness) or using glass dildos (which are COLD and smooth) might feel ok at the start of reintroducing that?

Caesarean is another kind of healing.

Either way it may have to be more outercourse than intercourse and a greater focus on sensual play, foreplay, etc. But there's a lot of time spent in the bed nursing, sleeping, cuddling baby... so it can lead to other intimate moments too.

I don't recall a waning of desire or time to share sex while pregnant or after birth. It was more about being flexible and being ok with that time of life being what it is.



You cannot read their minds. But you can take a stab in the dark. IME, sometimes having someone else name the thing can open the floodgates.



Keep communicating on your end then. What activities would be welcome.

I remember at that time of life my spouse became the "King of Pillows" after I explained I needed support pillows during any kind of pregnant sex. So every pillow shape in the house was pressed into service. Rectangles, squares, bolsters, body length pillows, etc. He would go window shopping for other pillow shapes online and asked me if I would like any other ones. He was happy to order them.

We are at a different time of life now with me in perimenopause and having to deal with those kinds of body changes. I was complaining the other day the the hormone weird sometimes felt like morning sickness all over again.

He joked "Well, if you need pillows again, I'm still the king of pillows!"

Humor can sometimes help.

Hang in there!

Galagirl
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I always love hearing from you, you have some of the best responses.

We don't know yet which route will be taken when D-day gets here tho we're hoping for vaginal. Of course plans change. And from what I've read and been told vaginal births do take a lot more healing, at least for when it comes to getting back in the sheets.

I had a few down moments throughout the pregnancy where forms of intimacy were difficult. Gag reflex was hell for the first 6 months so oral was hard to do for a while, but I still found ways to give them pleasure. Which is why I'm taking this so hard now, if I could improvise and do all I could to satisfy their needs I don't see why it's so hard to recoup and give back to me. Even if it's just talking.

And I totally understand the pillows! I was already a pillow hoarder but my god now, pillows, pillows everywhere!
 
Sex need and ability can change a lot over a life time. It sounds like you know that, and know that isn’t the real problem here. The major problem is not being able to talk about the intimacy famine, and the growing sense that you can’t express your feelings and needs. This needs to be addressed now, because it will only be a bigger problem with the new stresses of having baby in the house.

You are in a particularly vulnerable position because you will continue to do the physical work of birthing, healing, feeding, and (likely) more than half of the less exclusively maternal childcare labor, leaving you even less of a well from which to draw the initiative to understand and articulate your feelings. It’s vital that you have confidence that you can ask for help getting your needs met. Post-partum depression isn’t universal, and may not be avoidable in all cases, but none of you wants to set the stage for you not being able to express feelings and needs in this challenging time.

“I need [touch/attention/sex/help], and I need to know that I can share my needs with you and rely on you to help me get them met. I’m spending so much of my internal resources on the little one — and will be for some time — I need some backup so I can stay whole through this hardest time.” <— This last bit is as near universal for pregnancy and new parenthood as anything I’ve ever known.

Do you see a midwife or have a childbirth educator who speaks to one or both of your partners? Is it possible you could bring up communication concerns (and/or sexual needs) in a clinical setting, and they might then see the importance?

It’s very important that you keep saying what you need. GalaGirl has great advice, and everyone is validating you here. You are not the problem, and you don’t need to excuse your needs or apologize for expressing them. Please make it your business to see communication as a necessary health precaution for you, and frame it that way to your partners. They need you to be a healthy mama right now, and listening and talking to you is central to their duties here. And then you can all get down to sharing the work and the lovely glow of the newborn period!
 
SlowPoly said:
Sex need and ability can change a lot over a life time. It sounds like you know that, and know that isn’t the real problem here. The major problem is not being able to talk about the intimacy famine, and the growing sense that you can’t express your feelings and needs. This needs to be addressed now, because it will only be a bigger problem with the new stresses of having baby in the house.

You are in a particularly vulnerable position because you will continue to do the physical work of birthing, healing, feeding, and (likely) more than half of the less exclusively maternal childcare labor, leaving you even less of a well from which to draw the initiative to understand and articulate your feelings. It’s vital that you have confidence that you can ask for help getting your needs met. Post-partum depression isn’t universal, and may not be avoidable in all cases, but none of you wants to set the stage for you not being able to express feelings and needs in this challenging time.

“I need [touch/attention/sex/help], and I need to know that I can share my needs with you and rely on you to help me get them met. I’m spending so much of my internal resources on the little one — and will be for some time — I need some backup so I can stay whole through this hardest time.” <— This last bit is as near universal for pregnancy and new parenthood as anything I’ve ever known.

Do you see a midwife or have a childbirth educator who speaks to one or both of your partners? Is it possible you could bring up communication concerns (and/or sexual needs) in a clinical setting, and they might then see the importance?

It’s very important that you keep saying what you need. GalaGirl has great advice, and everyone is validating you here. You are not the problem, and you don’t need to excuse your needs or apologize for expressing them. Please make it your business to see communication as a necessary health precaution for you, and frame it that way to your partners. They need you to be a healthy mama right now, and listening and talking to you is central to their duties here. And then you can all get down to sharing the work and the lovely glow of the newborn period!
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I think you summed this up for me better than my brain was able to. Sex has always been a need of mine but communication is and always will be greater. I had the post part um depression talk with my doctor while my husband was with me, it's definitely a fear I have, in hopes to get it taken care of before it gets too bad. I already know I'm going to have some issues with it but I'm just not sure how bad it will get. And I've mentioned to my husband that I've been having issues and hope that today we'll be able to sit and talk some out.
 
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