Navigating NRE with existing relationships

tealheron11

tealheron11

New member
Hi all,
Something that has been coming up for me lately is the current experience of NRE I am experiencing in my newer partnership, and how this affects my other partnership (coincidentally, my husband, but i don't think the title matters).

I have been with my lover for about 4 months, and we recently admitted our strong feelings for each other (okay, we said "i love you.") It's wonderful and I'm overjoyed and grateful and my husband is happy for me too. He also has a lover, and he and she have said they loved each other too. I feel since I am still in the early days with my lover, that this relationship and the NRE accompanying it has sort of hijacked my brain.

I still love being around my husband. I look forward to talking with him every day after work, I love sleeping in bed with him, and we are planning vacations and big life events. But the sexual and passionate stuff just isn't on the front burner as much. To be honest, it was sort of waning even before we opened up last year, but then it came back with a vengeance and we'd had a lot of great sex. We still share kisses and hugs and cuddle frequently, but we haven't had sex since we were away for the holidays in December.

I don't think he is upset by this, and I'm not really either - I am just wondering if this is "normal" for when two partners become preoccupied with the early stages of other relationships, and whether things eventually balance out. If anything, every other part of our relationship has improved. Communication, chore responsibilities, etc. Just the sex piece has been lacking.

This is my first time in this situation. When we first opened up, I dated and hooked up with men, but met my lover in August/September and we really connected. My husband got serious with the second woman he met outside of our relationship, he's just a serious kinda guy!

Hopefully, this all makes sense.
 
Either way is normal. Some people find NRE for another increases their desire for their established partner. Some find it decreases their desire for their established partner. It's a mix of hormones and other needs.

There's a recent thread here where a wife has told her husband she wants a full 2 month break from sex because she only desires her new partner right now. This situation is discussed thoroughly. Let me go find the link.
 
Thank you!!!
 
Hi Tealheron

I think it's perfectly normal to lose interest in one's pre-existing partner/s while in the initial throes of NRE. I'm not saying it's good or bad, just normal for many people, especially those who aren't much good at compartmentalising feelings or different aspects of their lives.

How you DEAL with any problems that may result from this lack of interest is key, however. Some existing partners may develop insecurities about the future of the relationship or start to doubt their own attractiveness if their advances are continually shunned, or if they feel ignored or underappreciated in general.

Therefore it's important to communicate exactly what's going on in your head and heart and reassure your partner (husband) that the situation is most likely temporary, and your lack of focus and attention isn't because they're not enough, and they haven't done anything "wrong".

In your case, you state that your husband doesn't seem especially concerned by this latest development, so it could be that he's very secure in your bond, and/or his other relationship is satisfying most of his needs right now, and that's fine. You may only need to address this issue IF your lack of sexual interest in your husband goes on longer than one or both of you are comfortable with.
 
I'd say it's normal. Lunabunny is right in that it's how it's dealt with. The one experiencing NRE needs to put in some effort to not put too much distance between them and the existing partner. The existing partner needs to realize it is NRE and not make it all about them.
 
tealheron11 said:
I still love being around my husband. I look forward to talking with him every day after work, I love sleeping in bed with him, and we are planning vacations and big life events. But the sexual and passionate stuff just isn't on the front burner as much. To be honest, it was sort of waning even before we opened up last year, but then it came back with a vengeance and we'd had a lot of great sex. We still share kisses and hugs and cuddle frequently, but we haven't had sex since we were away for the holidays in December.

I don't think he is upset by this, and I'm not really either - I am just wondering if this is "normal" for when two partners become preoccupied with the early stages of other relationships, and whether things eventually balance out. If anything, every other part of our relationship has improved. Communication, chore responsibilities, etc. Just the sex piece has been lacking.
Click to expand...

I think sometimes it comes back and sometimes it doesn't - honestly I _do_ know a lot of poly couples where it doesn't, really, and that's ok. Partnership and sex, even romance and sex, don't necessarily have to travel together or be consistent for something to be a good relationship.

(Certainly if you read my blog you'll see my own struggles with the exact configuration of my relationship with Knight; the biggest TL;DR I can give you from that is that the less I try to force it into something that it isn't at the moment, the happier we both are. )
 
Hello tealheron11,

As the old saying goes, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." Right now, neither you nor your husband is upset by the lack of sex. If either of you gets upset about it later, you can still address it then. If you both decide you want more sex with each other, you can just do it! This is a problem that may very well go away by itself. Give it some time. At least that's my take on the situation.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
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