Kind way to tell hinge he needs to work on stuff?

N

Noyse

Member
Background: I've been polyamorous for four years and have had several relationships as a secondary. I'm currently in my mid-twenties, and after learning I thrive with roommates I'd looking for someone to be a nesting partner. I also know enough about psychology to be pretentious about it.

I just started dating this guy (Jim from my last post) and wow does NRE hit me like a Mack truck. Maybe it's my fault for asking lots of questions to make sure this wasn't going to be another secondary situation, but he tells me alot of the ways him fiancee (Willow) doesn't meet his needs.

Jim is in his early twenties and Willow is even younger. Jim wants to have a house with a couple partners; but that's a few years down the road (which works for me as someone who just started dating him). Me and Jim are very much in the network building/intimacy stage of life, Willow is still finding herself/identity finding stage. Whenever makes a remark about possibly living together one day, my NRE drunk brain goes "yes!" than I remember Willow and I go "nope".

Willow isn't a bad person, she's remarkably like me at her age, and boy am I glad I grow out of that stage. She may very well herself in the coming years, but I can't bank on that. Jim is also excited to have me in his life because I have traits Willow doesn't, and it's not painting her in the best light.

How do I tell Jim he needs to be more mindful of the pace of our dynamic, and how he speaks about Willow to me?
 
Just simply tell him you don't feel comfortable with him incessantly detailing Willow's shortcomings. That needs to be worked out between them.

Unfortunately, judging by your tone regarding Willow, you give the impression that you don't find her all that great yourself.

I wouldn't want to be Willow, knowing how I was being talked about by my lover and my meta. Why don't you two knock it off?
 
Could be direct and keep it simple.

"Jim, could you please be willing to be more mindful of the pace of our dynamic, and how you speaks about Willow to me? Saying stuff like ______ is ok. Saying stuff like _____ starts to cross a line for me. That makes me uncomfortable."

You are supposed to be his dating partner. Not his free therapist.

I'm currently in my mid-twenties
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Jim is in his early twenties and Willow is even younger.
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I guess I am wondering why he proposed to her if they are this young? When Willow doesn't seem to meet a lot of his needs and she's in the "finding herself/identity finding stage"? Was this planned as a long engagement? Or was this an impulse thing when he himself was in that stage? Something else?

In theory, the human brain isn't done growing til mid 20's.

So... I'd hold off on anything major. Could spend some time getting to know these people and enjoy it for what it is, and the stage(s) everyone is at in the moment. Just don't rush into cohabitation, marriage, children, or any big entanglements like that.

Galagirl
 
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Apologies in advance. Long week, severe back pain, lack of tolerance for bullshit...

I knew a woman who told me about how she'd got involved with a guy who seemed beat-down, & was always talking about how "my old lady is such a ball-busting bitch."

One year later found SHE was the "old lady" & the "ball-busting bitch" being used as bait to snag the next sucker.

If you want to believe that line of shit, then yay on you, but you probably don't need support here. That's Monogamism. Wrong site entirely.
Noyse said:
I have traits Willow doesn't
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Like, what, still being naive enough to put up with obvious controlling bullshit? :rolleyes: Congrats on your maturity.

FWIW, if Willow is such a needy minge, then WTF is he engaged to her? Has he forgotten where he left his nads? Is he a NATURAL moron or did he have to study? Is he somehow going to RESCUE her? or maybe is she paying his bills & he's just waiting for the next emotionally needy mooch? Either way, are YOU going to be HIS next rescuer? What is it within you that has chosen to turn off your brain to be HIS "savior"?
 
powerpuffgrl1969: Willow is a very nice person, and I enjoy spending a evening with her, she's just very empathetic like me. I was Willow's current age when I started learning how to be a tolerable human with mood regulation. Maybe I'm projecting, but by her own list of quirks is too much for me as a (one day) potential roommate.

GalaGirl: I think the engagement was driven by several of those factors. They're both in school, so the wedding is a few years out; and they'd been together for the culturally appropriate amount of time to either break up or put a ring on it (I'd bet familiar pressures were also a factor).

Ravenscroft: Thanks for the disclosure, I hope you feel better soon. I do have issues with white knighting. I'm poly in part because I think having a single human fulfill all your needs is unhealthy. Him being excited about having a movie buddy for that genre Willow isn't keen on is fine; him telling me about how he can't take his dream job because it opposes one of Willow's boundaries is concerning.
 
Re (from Noyse):
"How do I tell Jim he needs to be more mindful of the pace of our dynamic, and how he speaks about Willow to me?"
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Just like that. "Jim, I need you to be more mindful of the pace of our dynamic, and how you speak about Willow to me." Whatever shortcomings Willow may have, keep in mind that it is Jim's decision to keep seeing her, to stay engaged to her, and to mince around her boundaries. He could stop doing that at any time. He chooses to do it, not her.

I hope things work out so that you and Jim can live together.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks everyone for the advice. It came out suddenly today, when he told me that Willow has a habit of being like "surprise I have a new partner!" and cheating. I know most of you are gonna say run, but I forgot a thing at this house, and NRE still has me into just him. I've made it very clear we well just be dating since I'm uncomfortable with their dynamic; and in the event we become sexually active he's getting put on 'partnered with a swinger' sexual activity level.

So yeah, not running, but making sure I have a clear path if I decide to.
 
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