Bubble Burst

[Qarzan]

Hi all, I'm writing here to express what's going on with me. Writing helps me process, and you're more than welcome to share your experiences or words of support as well.

I've been seeing a pretty amazing woman for about three months now. She's married, has three kids, a husband and another lover, and is also seeing me. Things were going really well... actually, amazingly well.

We were seeing each other two or three times per week. When we weren't together, we were texting each other like crazy. I was writing down my dreams about our future, my fantasies about us, and she loved all of it.

The thing is, now I'm coming up against the boundaries and limitations of our relationship. It has grown to a point where I'm experiencing the need to cut back on my expectations so that they are more realistic and sustainable. For February, we can only see each other four times. We'll see each other tomorrow, then not again for another two weeks.

The experience is like mourning or grieving. It's not that our relationship is over, but the relationship I was building no longer seems possible. It's like I'm grieving the loss of the relationship I was imagining. I'm sad. I feel the need to have time away from her. I don't feel like communicating with her right now. I feel more grounded/balanced when I'm not thinking about her.

At the same time, this process of mourning the relationship that I imagined seems completely necessary in order to create the space for it to move into what is actually sustainable and realistic, given both of our time and energy limitations.

I couldn't find anything on the internet about this (surprise), so I decided to write a post here. Have any of you experienced this before, when you're grieving the loss of a relationship when it transitions, but not necessarily when it ends?

 

[Dagferi]

Is this a temporary change due to life events (eg., more hours at work, illness, childcare issues) or has your partner decided to cut back for other reasons, like, pushback from another partner, needing personal space, realizing she has been neglecting her other responsibilities?

Sometimes in relationships there just are scheduling conflicts, or things that get in the way.

There were times when I have felt like Butch and I were ships passing in the night, due to opposing schedules, or childrearing duties, and that was when were each other's only partners.

Poor Murf was seeing me less often during the past few months due to weather issues, work, my health, et cetera. But that has passed and now he is seeing me more again.

Sometime patience is what is needed.

 

[Noyse]

I just want to say make sure you check in with yourself to make sure you're actually comfortable with this new dynamic, and not putting your needs aside to get what you can out of this person.

 

[Qarzan]

Is this a temporary change due to life events (ie more hours at work, illness, child care issues) or has your partner decided to cut back for other reasons? (ie push back from other partner, needs personal space, realizes she has been neglecting other responsibility)

Sometimes in relationships there just is scheduling conflicts, or things that get in the way.

There were times when I have felt like Butch and I were ships passing in the night due to opposing schedules, or childrearing duties, and that was when we were each other's only partners. Poor Murf was seeing me less often during the past few months due to weather issues, work, my health, et cetera. But that has passed and now he is seeing me more again. Patience is needed.

I think you hit the nail on the head with this one, Dagferi. I think I was just kind of drowning in my emotions and didn't see what was actually going on.

She has a 10-day vacation planned with her husband and kids, coming up Feb 17-27. Her parents watched over her kids during the previous vacation, so they demanded that they take the kids for this one. She also had a pre-planned weekend trip, and another retreat coming up, too.

We did have several phone calls. She said that she's not that good over the phone, but we had the calls anyway. I think the phone calls for me were a bit awkward, and I was reading into it that she didn't want to be on the phone with me. Mainly it could just be that she's awkward over the phone, which is why she doesn't prefer phone calls, but she did anyway because I asked for them.

Also, other things about myself that may come into play here:
1) I'm an extrovert. I've mainly been cooped up indoors by myself lately because I didn't know what to do with myself. I'm planning on going out to some acroyoga classes tonight. BEING AROUND PEOPLE! YAAY!
2) My primary love language is touch (the same as hers). This may mean that it'll be more difficult for both of us when we're not around each other. I may be interpreting the lack of touch as a loss of love, closeness, or intimacy.

Anyway, these thoughts are just forming.

Thank you for sharing your experience. It was valuable.

 

[Qarzan]

I just want to say make sure you check in with yourself to make sure you're actually comfortable with this new dynamic, and not putting your needs aside to get what you can out of this person.

Yes, definitely. I think this is something that should always be in place.

 

[lunabunny]

Things were going really well, amazingly well.

We were seeing each other two to three times per week. When we weren't together, we were texting each other like crazy. I was writing down my dreams about our future, my fantasies about us. She loved all of it.

The thing is, now I'm coming up against the boundaries and limitations of our relationship. It has grown to a point where I'm experiencing the need to cut back my expectations so that it's more realistic and sustainable.

The experience is like mourning or grieving. Not that our relationship is over, but the relationship I was building no longer seems possible, like I'm grieving the loss of the relationship I was imagining. I'm sad. I feel the need to have time away from her. I don't feel like communicating with her right now. I feel more grounded/balanced when I'm not thinking about her.

At the same time, this process of mourning the relationship that I imagined seems completely necessary in order to create the space for it to move into what is actually sustainable and realistic, given both of our time and energy limitations.

... Have any of you experienced this before, when you're grieving the loss of a relationship when it transitions, but not necessarily when it ends?

Hell, yes! I've not only experienced this "mourning" of a relationship dynamic being downgraded (but not ending), I continue to have to deal with this situation.

When a relationship had been going so well, and the NRE so feels intense it borders on obsession, it can cause emotional hell when that energy and intensity suddenly dissipates due to life issues and choices on the part of one party only.

This is what happened about six-eight months into my relationship with Jester. His daily routine changed (got busier) and he developed some health issues right around the time I managed to free up more time in my schedule in order to maintain this LDR. Additionally, he seemed to pull back a little emotionally as he tried to juggle his new workload and responsibilities, while trying to keep the fact that he was using substances hidden from me (as I later discovered.)

Although he swore his love and commitment to me remained as strong as ever, and this has been borne out over the past couple of years since, it was still quite a shock to my system, and even now is difficult for me to know what or how much to expect from him.

Make sure you check in with yourself to make sure you're actually comfortable with this new dynamic, and not putting your needs aside to get what you can out of this person.

I second and third this! I am not one for sitting in silence and accepting "scraps" when there seems no good reason for a partner to withhold loving care and attention from the person they claim to love.

Of course, time, energy and resources are limited. But you know within yourself how much you're capable of giving, and how much you need in return to feel the energy expended on any particular relationship is worth the effort.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Qarzan,

Sorry to hear that your relationship has been sort of downgraded, at least in comparison to what your former expectations were. That can be a painful experience, I don't blame you for being in a state of mourning. It sounds like this woman has a lot on her plate, maybe it all caught up with her. In any case, you are probably wise to take a step back, you don't want to risk another heartache.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[FallenAngelina]

She's married, has three kids, a husband, another lover, and me.

How old are her kids? This seems like an awful lot of people for one woman to be intimate with at once, especially if her kids are young.

 

[Magdlyn]

I've been seeing a pretty amazing woman for about 3 months. Things were going really well...

We were seeing each other two or three times per week. When we weren't together, we were texting each other like crazy. I was writing down my dreams about our future, my fantasies about us, she loved all of it.

The thing is, now I'm coming up against the boundaries, limitations of our relationship. It has grown to a point where I'm experiencing the need to cut back my expectations so that it's more realistic and sustainable. For February, we can only see each other 4 times. We'll see each other tomorrow, then not again for another two weeks.

The experience is like mourning or grieving. Not that our relationship is over, but the relationship I was building no longer seems possible. Like I'm grieving the loss of the relationship I was imagining. I'm sad, I feel the need to have time away from her, I don't feel like communicating with her right now, and I feel more grounded/balanced when I'm not thinking about her.

What you were first experiencing was "new relationship energy." We shorten it to NRE. You and your supposedly experienced polyamorous partner were both swept up in it. Frankly, it is surprising she led you down a path of fantasizing about your dreams for your shared future, since she knows she's got a husband, another bf, and kids.

Now reality has set in. Since she's got some trips coming up, it has become apparent to both of you that the shared fantasy of a future (whatever that was, however you both expressed it) was just that, a fantasy, and nothing more.

I take it this is your first time dating a poly woman? So you're excused from being taken aback by the sudden appearance of reality (the end of NRE, the difference between infatuation and love, the rose-colored glasses coming off). But I do not excuse your gf. She should have known better and not led you down an unrealistic path.

At the same time, this process of mourning the relationship that I imagined seems completely necessary in order to create the space for it to move into what is actually sustainable and realistic given both of our time and energy limitations.

I'm glad you found our forum. There is a ton of good info about getting into polyamory on morethantwo.com, as well.

 

[Magdlyn]

I was just kind of drowning in my emotions and didn't see what was actually going on.

She has a 10-day vacation planned with her husband and kids coming up Feb 17-27. She also had a pre-planned weekend trip, and another retreat coming up, too.

We did have several phone calls. She said that she's not that good over the phone, but we had the calls anyway. I think the phone calls for me were a bit awkward, and I was reading into it that she didn't want to be on the phone with me. Mainly it could just be that she's awkward over the phone, which is why she doesn't prefer phone calls, but she did anyway because I asked for them.

Phone calls may be difficult for her just because she doesn't like them, or also because her husband and kids are right there in the background and might overhear or interrupt.

Texting a new bf "like crazy" also may have been making her husband (or other bf) uncomfortable. Usually experienced poly couples have rules around that. It's not right to neglect an established relationship in favor of a new one. It's not right to be constantly texting someone else when the kids are in bed and the nesting partner expects quality couple time.

1) I'm an extrovert. I've mainly been couped up indoors by myself because I don't really know what to do with myself. I'm planning on going out to some acroyoga classes tonight.
2) My primary love language is touch (the same as hers). This may mean that it'll be more difficult for both of us when we're not around each other. I may be interpreting the lack of touch as a loss of love, closeness, or intimacy.

So you're an extrovert. Your social needs were met by constantly texting gf and seeing her two or three times a week for three months. You neglected your other friends and social or exercise needs because of NRE. But now she's gotten busy. So it's good you're planning on yoga. What else can you do to connect with other people, as you seek to become grounded again after this whirlwind of romance and sex which is now at an end?

Yes, things probably will change, if she is not physically available right now, or in the future for frequent meetings you'd prefer (two or three times a week). Maybe you need to find a mono woman who is available much more frequently.

Are you yourself polyamorous or monoamorous? If you're looking into polyamory, you could continue to date this married woman and also seek someone with no kids, or grown kids, fewer commitments, and date both.

 

[Qarzan]

How old are her kids? This seems like an awful lot of people for one woman to be intimate with at once, especially if her kids are young.

Her kids are 1.5 years, 5 years, and 6 years.

Frankly, it is surprising she led you down a path of fantasizing about your dreams for your shared future, since she knows she's got a husband, another bf, and kids.

She was asking if I was willing to spend time with her and her kids at the same time. I felt like I was being welcomed into the family. I met her husband, her other boyfriend, we all sat and chatted and got along. I even met several of her metamours.

I take it this is your first time dating a poly woman?

No, I've been polyamorous for about 6 years now. But this is my first time dating a married woman with kids. Usually my partners are not married.

Phone calls may be difficult for her just because she doesn't like them, or also because her husband and kids are right there in the background and might overhear or interrupt.

She has said several things about phone calls:
- She doesn't want to make calls when she's at home because it will keep her kids awake if they hear her talking;
- She tends to rely on in-person cues very heavily when speaking with people, like tone of voice, facial expression, and touch, which aren't available through a phone call.

Texting a new bf "like crazy" also may have been making her husband uncomfortable. Usually experienced poly couples have rules around that. It's not right to neglect an established relationship in favor of a new one. It's not right to be constantly texting someone else when the kids are in bed and the nesting partner expects quality couple time.

Her husband travels a lot, and recently was away on business for three weeks, which was when she started seeing me two or three times per week. Now he's back, and I guess she didn't prepare me for the fact that our frequency would drop so much.

Are you yourself polyamorous or monoamorous? If you're looking into polyamory, you could continue to date this married woman and also seek someone with no kids, or grown kids, fewer commitments, and date both.

I am polyamorous. I have another partner who has a 14 y/o. She's unmarried, but also not looking for anything serious right now. We see each other about three times per month. We try for once a week, but sometimes she needs a day to catch up with work things.

I have a third partner that I see about once a month. Married (to someone else), no kids.

Thank you, everyone, for your questions and replies! It gives me more to consider.

 

[Tinwen]

I think it's natural to be mourning a fantasy, especially at the beginning of a relationship. Fantasy is powerful. They say that when you break up you're mourning your imagined future.

Heck, when I first met Idealist, we only saw each other a handful of times over the course of several months, yet I was soooo in love already. The things I knew about him just made me imagine all the cool stuff we could do and be*, things that were lacking in my life back then.

At one point, I was observing NRE fading a bit already without having had the chance to realize the relationship, and I was mourning that.

At another point (several points in time before and after the start of our relationship, actually), I experienced my D/s fantasies coming more down to earth, and being sad about that.

So at least you have another opportunity to observe the amazing power of hope and expectations.

*Funnily enough, pretty much all of my NRE hopes came true.

 

[FallenAngelina]

Her kids are 1.5, 5 and 6 years. This is my first time dating a married woman with young kids. Usually my partners are not married... Her husband travels a lot, and recently was away on business for thre weeks, which was when she started seeing me two or three times per week. Now he's back, and I guess she didn't prepare me that our frequency would drop so much.

The husband and young kids are huge factors that you seem to be brushing aside, or you're unaware of what life is like for parents of young children, perhaps? There is an enormous difference between parents of young children and, well, everyone else. "Time" (which is already at a premium for them) is just one factor in their availability, because they must be so very focused on their children. It's an extraordinarily rare parent who does not focus much of her psychological energy on her young family.

Perhaps your GF was able to direct more time and emotional energy your way during the weeks her husband was out of town, which was also during the weeks when your relationship was new and captivating, but this level of attention is just not sustainable for any parent of young children (that I have ever met or heard of), especially if there is yet one more lover in the mix already. The young children here are a gigantic factor.

Yes, it might work to hang out with the larger poly family from time to time, but if you're constantly in a state of waiting for your GF to give you "time," then this is not an emotionally-sustainable situation, unless you're wiling to tolerate a good amount of negative emotion, which some people seem to be able to do.