Mya's search for balance

I'm now in Home Country, have been for a week already, and I'm here almost until the end of the year. So this will be another long break for me and Marco. We've been texting every day and it's been really lovely. :) He shows genuine interest in Home Country and said he'd like to visit it one day with me. I'm very touched by that. Who knows, maybe one day we'll do that. But I've also become cautious because I've taken several partners back home only for my friends and family to never see them again. Of course every time I wish it will be different, but no such luck so far. Since my ex-husband I think they've seen rory three times, but Hank only once and Dahlia once. And I also talked to them about meeting Jasmin since originally she was supposed to come to this trip with me. I'm super conscious of the fact that I've had so many relationships that have felt serious, there have been shared life plans and everything, and then they've ended sooner than I'd hoped. I'm very scarred by all of that. That's the main reason why I'm questioning poly at the moment: I'm not sure how much more relationship pain I can handle right now. Maybe I'll become stronger again some time in the future, but I do feel fragile at the moment and I want to protect myself.
 
I empathize Mya. I think you are wise to nurture yourself for a time.

Leetah
 
I've been doing a lot of relationship pondering while I've been away from home. I've had so many good, insightful conversations with friends and gained new perspective, although sometimes also conflicting advice. I feel like I'm more in tune with myself, able to listen to my needs better somehow.

I'm falling more and more deeply in love with Marco the more we spend time together, whether it's in person or via text. And that makes me want to do a lot of big life things with him. I have no idea if any of them are actually possible at any point in the future, but I guess that's a conversation to be had. Not like what can he promise me, but more like what are the limits of this relationship. What are the things that will never be possible and what might be, with time. I feel like that's a conversation I need at some point, but I also think it's a bit early in the relationship for that. Also, I have conflicting feelings about poly hierarchy stuff. I think I would like to be his co-primary at some point (or if him and Paige ever break up, his only primary), but at the same time I would like to close the relationship in a way that nobody new can become that for him as well. I don't think I could handle just a third of his relationship energy/time. So the conflicting feelings come from wanting something that's kind of taking something away from Paige, but not being willing to give a similar thing to a third person. Basically I want to just take, not give. At this point in life that is honestly how I feel.

What I'm feeling about poly in general at the moment is that...I think I need to slowly move away from it, at least the non-hierarchical, relationship anarchy type model of it where anything is possible at any point in time. I think I want more stability than that. Or at least the illusion of stability. Of course anything is also possible in monogamy or more closed models, but at least people are more focused on that one relationship, so it's less likely. I want to feel more settled.

What I mean by slowly moving away from poly is that for now I won't break up with Marco and will continue seeing Quinn and Rafael, but I won't go on any dates with new people while I'm with Marco. And if me and Marco break up, I will only start dating people who are open to monogamy or an open relationship, not people who are already partnered or practice "anything goes" type polyamory. I'm willing to deal with poly because of Marco and the great relationship we have and also because hanging out with Quinn and Rafael makes me happy and I want to see where that goes. But I'm also tired of polyamory as a concept. I'm tired of multiple relationships and the amount of effort they take. I don't think I can do it forever.
 
Big questions to ponder, Mya! It's nice when you have some space to do that. Hope the rest of your Home Country visit goes/went well.

You've had a lot of love and heartbreak over the last few years and I can understand why you would want to choose a different style of relating to minimise that. I wonder if it's less about which model of relationship(s) and more about what things you want and need from relationships... Obviously there is a connection but the second is the motivating factor and may be more helpful in terms of evaluating whether you're actually ok with any given scenario. I'm sure you've been thinking along those lines too!
 
Thanks for your comment, fuchka, I really appreciate it. :) You make a good point, and I've also been pondering that: what do I want out of relationships. I do think that is a more important question than the specific model. Whether I'll be okay with poly long-term with Marco depends on what he's able to give me even though I'm not his primary partner. I can imagine being happy like this long-term if our relationship has space to grow. I don't know yet if it does though, that depends on Marco and Paige and how much they're willing to stretch the limits of their relationship. Time will tell.

In terms of myself, I really feel like focusing more on one person at the moment. While I've been away, I've really enjoyed texting with Marco every day, getting a present just for him etc. Not dividing my attention too much. I do think about Quinn and Rafael sometimes and I definitely want to see them again, but it's not a need. But since we are doing poly anyway, I might as well explore a thing with them as well, as long as it doesn't get too intense time and effort wise, and I don't think it will.
 
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Happy New Year everyone! I spent my NYE home alone. Well, I did see Marco for about an hour in the city, but then I went back home. This was a conscious choice. I was invited to two parties, but I didn't feel like partying. Marco had plans with Paige. I wanted to practice my self-reliance skills and decided to have fun on my own. It was a success. :) I tried a new recipe, ate ice cream, had a bath and watched Netflix. It was also super nice to see Marco briefly since we hadn't seen each other for so long, but it also felt good to provide myself with good times when I got back home. The whole thing seemed kind of symbolic for the coming year: I'm mainly alone, but I get to see Marco a bit. Who knows how it's all going to pan out, but I shouldn't really dream about anything bigger than that. Sometimes I wonder if I qualify as a cowgirl when I have these thoughts about wanting to be in a bigger role in Marco's life and not wanting to date others seriously. This is so not what he signed up for when we started dating. But things change, people change.

Last year my new year's resolution was more sex and less dating, after having been in so many relationships at the same time and having very little sex in several of them. That was a good resolution at the time and one that I definitely fulfilled. I slept with 11 different people last year but only dated two of them seriously, Jasmin and Marco, and even them not seriously at the same time. My new resolution for this year is to continue not dating many people at the same time, but this time only having sex when I really want to, only with people that I get a 'hell yes' feeling for. I don't want a repeat of last year, even though I certainly don't regret it. This year I want to focus on the quality of my sex life, not quantity of sex partners. One thing that's probably affecting this is the amazing sex life I have with Marco. It continues to be so fulfilling that it's hard for me to imagine needing anything else really, and it has set the bar really high for anyone else. But we'll see what happens. This year will be about me getting used to living alone and in general taking care of myself more. Taking more time for myself. Trying to live in the moment.
 
I had the most amazing evening and morning with Marco. <3 :eek: It was his birthday the day before, so we celebrated together yesterday. I made him a candle light dinner with dessert and all and gave him his presents. We also exchanged Christmas presents since we didn't want to do that so early in December before my trip. All the presents were really spot on, we were both happy with what we got from each other. We talked quite a bit about our relationship and I'm feeling really happy now. I told him some of what I wrote here, that I want to be more conscious about who I have sex with and in general spend my time with. I'm tired of running after new experiences and want to focus more on what I already have and slow down a bit. He said he feels the same way, that he also wants to be more conscious of his energy and how he spends it. He said he wants to ensure he has time for the most important things, and that includes me since I'm an increasingly important part of his life. :) We made plans for January, put some dates in the calendar, and on the week after next I'm seeing him twice. It feels so good that he wants to see me as much as he does now. I mean, twice a week might not sound like much to some people, but in Marco's life that's a lot. He works and studies and has another relationship, plus in general has low energy levels, so I feel lucky to get that much! I didn't ask directly how much our relationship has space to grow (which is something I've been pondering), but I do feel like it is growing, constantly, and Marco is just making room for it to do so. We haven't hit a limit yet. He also mentioned again wanting to go to Home Country with me one day. Who knows where this has potential to go, but at the moment I'm happy with how we're doing. :) Edited to add: One thing that Marco said yesterday really stuck with me: "I feel really lucky to get to experience being with you". I was quite touched by that. :eek:
 
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I've been thinking about not writing this blog anymore. There are a few reasons for this.

1) I feel like I'm hiding something from my partner(s) if I don't tell them that I'm writing this but at the same time I don't want to tell them because it's so private. I have ended up telling quite a few of them over the years, but I think I'd rather not tell current or future ones.

2) I think having this blog is making me think more relationship-related thoughts. It's nice to contribute and get comments. If I wrote a private journal instead, I wouldn't have a reason to write there any more than I feel necessary for my own pondering needs.

3) I'm so unsure of poly these days. I met up with the person I'm interested in yesterday and I felt really drawn to her. I could easily imagine a situation where I'd ask her out and really hope she'd say yes, but now that I'm with Marco, I just don't want to divide my romantic attention. Maybe I'm just becoming more and more mono, so continuing to write here seems a bit strange. I guess I feel like if I detach myself from the poly community a bit, it will be easier to see if I still keep identifying as polyamorous because that's how I feel instead of being used to it and having community support behind it.

I haven't made up my mind about it yet, but this is what I'm thinking right now.
 
I will definitely miss reading your story if you stop posting on the blog :), but it sounds like you are in a place where it makes sense to stop or at least take a break.

The reason I have never kept a blog here is because I don't want to put energy into a format where I focus on just the romantic/poly/relationship aspects of myself. Like, I don't need to ruminate on my relationship experiences every day...my life is about so much more than my relationships. (Also, my relationship situation is very stable and it would not make for interesting reading!)

Hope everything works out for you, Mya, whatever you decide! You sound like a cool, thoughtful, loving person. Maybe you can check in once a year with an update to let us know how you're doing?
 
I also would miss the updates, especially because I feel like we are dealing with some similar issues and reactions to being in poly relationships. But you must do as you feel best. I have taken breaks from my blog, and I’ve tried to write not just when I’m working something out. I can see how it can reach diminishing returns or just doesn’t feel right anymore.
 
I will definitely miss reading your story if you stop posting on the blog :), but it sounds like you are in a place where it makes sense to stop or at least take a break.

The reason I have never kept a blog here is because I don't want to put energy into a format where I focus on just the romantic/poly/relationship aspects of myself. Like, I don't need to ruminate on my relationship experiences every day...my life is about so much more than my relationships. (Also, my relationship situation is very stable and it would not make for interesting reading!)

Hope everything works out for you, Mya, whatever you decide! You sound like a cool, thoughtful, loving person. Maybe you can check in once a year with an update to let us know how you're doing?

Thanks for your comment, MeeraReed! Your reason for not having a blog sounds pretty similar to my reason #2. I also would like my life to be more balanced and not just about relationships. I mean, I do like thinking and talking about relationships, if I'm honest. I think they are a fascinating subject. But I also don't want to be consumed by them and I feel like having a blog about relationships makes me concentrate on them more. And going back to reason #1, talking about relationships often involves talking about other people, and that can be problematic.

Yeah, I think I could still keep this blog around and give an update every now and then, like a few posters here do. :)
 
I also would miss the updates, especially because I feel like we are dealing with some similar issues and reactions to being in poly relationships. But you must do as you feel best. I have taken breaks from my blog, and I’ve tried to write not just when I’m working something out. I can see how it can reach diminishing returns or just doesn’t feel right anymore.

Thanks opalescent! I also get a lot out of your updates, so I understand. Maybe I'll start with taking a break and see how I go on. I have to admit I'm already missing writing here, but I think it will just take a while before I get used to not processing most of my stuff here.
 
Hello again readers! I decided to revive the blog for a while at least, because I don't know what to do with my life and I need help. So comments are very welcome! Here's the situation:

I'm falling more and more deeply in love with Marco the more we spend time together, whether it's in person or via text. And that makes me want to do a lot of big life things with him. I have no idea if any of them are actually possible at any point in the future, but I guess that's a conversation to be had. Not like what can he promise me, but more like what are the limits of this relationship. What are the things that will never be possible and what might be, with time. I feel like that's a conversation I need at some point, but I also think it's a bit early in the relationship for that.

Whether I'll be okay with poly long-term with Marco depends on what he's able to give me even though I'm not his primary partner. I can imagine being happy like this long-term if our relationship has space to grow. I don't know yet if it does though, that depends on Marco and Paige and how much they're willing to stretch the limits of their relationship. Time will tell.

I didn't ask directly how much our relationship has space to grow (which is something I've been pondering), but I do feel like it is growing, constantly, and Marco is just making room for it to do so. We haven't hit a limit yet.

As you see, I've been thinking about this for months now: what are the limits of this relationships and can I be happy long term with them. Me and Marco have now hit a limit and I'm not sure how to handle it. Recently we've been having a lot of these "where is this relationship going" conversations, always initiated by me. He'd be happy to just continue as we are, but he also wants me to be happy, so he's trying his hardest to make that happen. We've talked about living arrangements and what could be possible in the future. We briefly talked about all three of us living together, but Marco was quite hesitant about that, and then recently I found out something about Paige that made me realise that her and I would be incompatible as housemates. So that's not going to happen. We also talked about Marco dividing his time between two homes, like some people on this board do, but there are good reasons why that wouldn't work either. There is still the option of me moving closer to their home in the future, so that Marco wouldn't have to travel as much and we could possibly see each other a bit more. I guess that one is still on the table, but now I'm questioning if that would be enough for me.

I think I have three options (feel free to suggest an option I haven't thought of!):

1) Continue as we are now, with seeing Marco about twice a week and living alone

Pros:
+ I'd get to continue the relationship with Marco, which is pretty amazing in all the other ways.
+ I'd get to enjoy the freedom of living and making household decisions alone.

Cons:
- I wouldn't get to live with a partner, meaning I wouldn't have anyone to share everyday life with.

2) Continue dating Marco, but also being open to meeting a new life partner

Pros:
+ I'd get to continue the relationship with Marco.
+ I'd have the possibility of finding a live-in partner to share everyday life with.

Cons:
- That would mean continuing living a poly lifestyle with all its stresses about time management and emotional conflicts.

3) Break up with Marco and start looking for a monogamish life partner

Pros:
+ I'd have the possibility of finding a live-in partner to share everyday life with.
+ The dating pool would be bigger because the person wouldn't have to be poly, just... open to some degree of openness.
+ I wouldn't have the stress of a poly lifestyle.

Cons:
- I would lose the person I love very much and who is a great fit for me.

All of these come with their one pretty significant downside, so I could really use some perspective on what others would do in my situation. At the moment I'm actually, to my own surprise, leaning more towards option 2, even with the stress of a poly lifestyle. Number 3 feels the worst as a gut reaction because of my feelings for Marco and our great compatibility. Number 1 is what I'm doing now, and how I feel about it varies a lot.
 
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You've dated in the poly world for a long time, and while you've had problems with it, I think many of those problems have been typical relationship problems, or just issues that arise with trying to have everyone live together and metas not getting along, etc. That or it's just been issues with having lots of partners on various levels of casual.

I think that option 2 sounds like it makes sense, because ultimately what you're looking for is a life partner that you can share everyday life with, which is what many people want. So you might have better luck finding that given that whatever person you seek could know that they had that room to grown in your life. I think where you have to be careful is knowing what your goal is, and not getting sidetracked by interest in people who turn out to only be more casual. You'd have to keep your goal in mind and stick to it, so if you meet someone and you're interested, but they're not looking for a future live-in life partner, or you don't seem compatible with them in that way, then it's time to move on since that's specifically your goal. Otherwise you're just going to end up with 2-3 "Marco"s in your life and still feel like you want a live in partner but are't getting it.

Ultimately, it's up to you and what you want, but if you're really happy with Marco and feel like you can be satisfied with what you have with him knowing that it has limits, I don't see any reason to end something that is going so well while you continue your search for something else that will fit your other needs.
 
I just thought of one outside the box option:

4) Move in with a friend who is in a similar situation and treat each other as 'life partners' in that sharing of everyday life and having each other's backs kind of way

Pros:
+ I'd get to continue the relationship with Marco.
+ I'd get some sense of everyday life sharing and support without having multiple romantic relationships.

Cons:
- For me it would be ideal to live with a partner, meaning a person I also have sex with. This is not a huge con as long as I'd still get to have sex with my partner who I don't live with.
- This arrangement would probably not last forever because me and/or the friend would most likely find a romantic partner to live with eventually. This is not a big con either because nothing is forever anyway.
- Might be difficult to find such a friend who'd be open to this.
 
You've dated in the poly world for a long time, and while you've had problems with it, I think many of those problems have been typical relationship problems, or just issues that arise with trying to have everyone live together and metas not getting along, etc. That or it's just been issues with having lots of partners on various levels of casual.

I think that option 2 sounds like it makes sense, because ultimately what you're looking for is a life partner that you can share everyday life with, which is what many people want. So you might have better luck finding that given that whatever person you seek could know that they had that room to grown in your life. I think where you have to be careful is knowing what your goal is, and not getting sidetracked by interest in people who turn out to only be more casual. You'd have to keep your goal in mind and stick to it, so if you meet someone and you're interested, but they're not looking for a future live-in life partner, or you don't seem compatible with them in that way, then it's time to move on since that's specifically your goal. Otherwise you're just going to end up with 2-3 "Marco"s in your life and still feel like you want a live in partner but are't getting it.

Ultimately, it's up to you and what you want, but if you're really happy with Marco and feel like you can be satisfied with what you have with him knowing that it has limits, I don't see any reason to end something that is going so well while you continue your search for something else that will fit your other needs.

Thank you so much for your perspective, breathemusic! I will definitely take it into account. :)
 
Hi Mya! Glad to see you updating.

I agree with breathemusic's advice.

Also, I don't think you should live with Marcus and his partner. You really like sharing a household with lovers and friends--but it seems like a lot of the "poly drama" in your life has come from jumping into shared housing situations where the whole group doesn't end up getting along.

I think you should try living alone for a while. Like, say, for a year (if you can afford it). It doesn't have to be forever. Just to get to know yourself better. As a route to figuring out what you truly want.

But, I'm very biased. I'm solo poly, so the thought of living alone and seeing a partner twice a week = my vision of paradise. That doesn't have to be your vision of paradise!

But I think living alone for a while might help you stay centered in yourself while you pursue Option 2: being happy with the way things are with Marco, while being open to seeking a life partner to eventually live with.
 
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