The story of Spork.

I didn't go to the group. I decided to do one of my puzzles again instead. Somehow they don't get old, if it's one I've done a number of times, I just try to see how fast I can get through it.

Q managed to get through his day at school.

And I got a hold of Paypal, and got lucky in terms of a rep who knew how to do things, and he said that oddly even though there were no pending payments, it says there is, and won't let him remove the bank account the way one normally would. Well no shit guy, that's what I've been having a problem with for the last, oh, month or so?...So he said he could permanently kill that account, but I would not be able to re-add or use it in the future. I'm closing the account anyways, so I told him to go right ahead and nuke it.

So today, that being the last bit of business still attached to that account that I know of, I can go close the account, before they start charging me feels. Stupid banks and their stupid fees. Nope. I'm going to do business with a popular local credit union and see if that's not better. Should be, I think.

I'm volunteering at the club tonight, got nothing planned besides quality time with my Zen tomorrow, and hope to do game night Friday. We did get invited to a birthday party Friday, but I'm really not feeling so much like going to that. I'll have new Cards Against Humanity cards I want to play with, and we haven't done game night in months. Saturday there's another party at the club, one that Zen and I normally do go to, so we'll see if we feel like doing that. I think I'm down if he wants to. We should have the kids out of our hair Saturday during the day, too. So plenty of time for fun in the days to come!
 
From today's Facebook Funnies:

God: Behold, I have created mankind!

Angel: You've fucked up a perfectly good monkey, is what you've done. Look at it. It's got anxiety.
 
My son brought me a permission slip for a field trip to an amusement park just up in Denver, and it had something I have never seen before...a medical power of attorney that they want signed and notarized.

I'm kind of upset about this, it feels like an overreach of power on the part of the schools. I mean obviously they can ask for whatever they want since this is voluntary, but who wants their kid left out? So weird. I don't really want my kid's school making medical decisions on his behalf, other than "OMG he's bleeding call an ambulance!" Like beyond life saving emergency care, anything more should involve my input as his parent. This form seems to sidestep that. I don't like it.
 
I am grinning ear to ear right now.

So I ordered some stuff from Cards Against Humanity, and I got my confirmation email of shipment, and at the bottom, it said:

"Reply to this email if you have any questions or problems, or want to give us any compliments."

So I decided to write to them. Why not?

I wrote:
You're so pretty. And clever, too. I mean it. Also, thanks for making me such a popular person at Game Night at the local BDSM dungeon (I'm not joking, it's this Friday) by putting out lovely new cards to keep the content of my collection fresh and entertaining!

I've come up with 3 magical house rules:

1. I give out shiny glass tokens instead of letting people keep the black card for score, because shiny things are fun. (They used to be "blood counters" from my Vampire card game--I'm old!)

2. We pass the black card around and everyone reads their answers. I find that no one really chooses who wins the round based on any favoritism, because we can all tell who was funniest really. People can perform their response for added fun. Anonymity is overrated. People need to own their horrible senses of humor.

3. Whoever wins the hand, can, after they read out the black card and pass it, discard as many white cards as they like and draw back up to 10. Extra incentive to win a hand!

I love to hear how other people have house-ruled the game...heard of any interesting ones?

Warmest regards! Oh, and that shirt looks really nice on you.

<Spork>

They replied:

<Spork>,

This was such a nice email. You're a nice person. Let's be friends.

Your house rules are officially the only good fan-made ones that I've heard of. Usually people's house rules just mess with the art that is our game. Rando Cardrissian is always a good one though. That's where you just draw a random white card from the deck each round and if it beats the white cards selected by the humans then everyone is ashamed of themselves.

Thanks for reaching out. Your hair looks fabulous today.

XOXO,
Orli

So we now have an official statement from the company, that my house rules, rule. Heck yeah. *tosses fabulous hair in a fabulous, Fabio-like, way*
 
Unfun stuff - the medical power of attorney things seems like a lawyer designed 'cover our ass' for medical issues on a trip. It seems like a horrible overreach to me too. (Was tempted to make a 'in my day!' comment but, honestly, children deal with so much more crap in school than I ever had to.)

Fun stuff - that's awesome! I love CAH. I'm loling at Rando Cardissan right now.

Two friends and I were playing and we wanted to add another person. Our other friends were being losers and wanting to play some incredibly complicated board game with counters and rules and stuff. So we added my friend's cat, Chester, to the game. We played random cards for him. He did really well and came in second!
 
Oh my god.

I want to get a blow up doll, and take it with me to Game Night and it will sit there and be the physical manifestation of the Rando Cardrissian thing.

Or I could just use one of the mannequins the club already owns for some reason, if I want to play with that rule...
 
Finally got a call back from the property management. The owner would rather we bought our own dryer, than buy a new one. They will have someone come haul off the old one though. I'm going after work to buy a new (used) dryer. I have re-thought my idea to pay someone to move these appliances around, though...I have teenage sons, and we moved much heavier things up and down the stairs when we were moving. We can handle this. I just need someone from the appliance store to put the new one in the back of my van and I should be fine.

Went and checked prices at Best Buy. A new one there is $300 (plus tax of course) and they wanted $80 to deliver it, and another $15 to move the old one to the garage, and another $60 to install. Screw them. I got this. I believe I can get a good used one from a reputable dealer (great Google reviews!) for around $200. Gonna see how cheap I can do this, and I'm getting it done after work. I'm not messing around, here!
 
Yesterday was challenging, and I'm really hoping today will be better.

My Grandpa fell, third time recently, but this time he got very hurt. My Mom was blowing up my phone with texts, kind of freaking out, over his injuries and the treatments at the hospital...he had a broken elbow, a huge gash over one eye, and other things... He's going to assisted living soon. He needs to be in a safer environment. It's very sad, the whole thing. He is 89 years old.

And the kids were kind of a pain with this and that...nothing hugely worth writing about but ya know. Stuff.

And then the dryer situation. I was feeling stubborn, like I have just had it with big, unbudgeted expenses and logistical hassles that keep cropping up one after another, and needing dealt with. I want some time with like, no problems, for a change. So I felt this compulsion to just DEAL WITH THIS as expediently as possible, by whatever means necessary. I went to a used appliance store last night, got a $200 dryer with a $50 year replacement warranty (it's a better brand than the cheapest new one I could get at Best Buy, I checked there on my lunch, so I was happy with what I got.) And I got it home, I hauled the old one out, down a long staircase and into the garage, by myself. Then I had to get my son to help me get the new one up, because I can get under it and shove it up the stairs, but it would get hung on each step. So I needed someone to pull it up over every step...it was really too heavy for us to be doing this, but I felt such a strong need to just GET IT DONE that I powered through.

Then I went to hook up the power cord, and was defeated by a screw that I didn't have a tool to remove. By this point I was out of breath and trembling from my exertions, so I said the hell with it and went to drink tea and work on my puzzle until Zen came home.

Zen got home and everything was better. He had a little wrench that got the screw off so I could hook up the dryer, and the dryer works well and is so much quieter than the old one. (The old one, when we could get it to start at all, was making screeching noises, and eventually overheating and shutting off, and wouldn't then start up until it had completely cooled. It was a dinosaur, I wanted it replaced.)

I had some food, watched the most recent episode of The Magicians, which ended with Penny actually smiling happily for a change. Poor Penny...I don't know if anyone else watches this show, but he's pretty much become my favorite character, and they just never seem to stop punishing him. I have said, they can conclude the series, when Penny gets his "Happily Ever After." He's been rolling with the punches all along, it's just how his story arc has worked out...I hope he gets the biggest payoff of all, that would really make me feel good. Although I think that his suffering, and his "Fuck, REALLY?" attitude is what makes him so endearing.

And finally, and I'm so thankful for this, Zen made love to me, which I needed so very badly. Between the wrench, and the sex, he sorta saved the day, there.

Now if only my new Cards Against Humanity stuff arrives today in time for Game Night, I will be a happy camper indeed...
 
I decided to continue my conversation with the Cards Against Humanity folks...

Thank you so much! Your email is quite nice as well, I especially love the "way with words" where, with delightful tempo and perfect grammar, you convey your thoughts so well in a quick note. I sometimes struggle with brevity, myself, so I find such talents quite admirable. Truly.



I am seriously considering buying a blow up doll from Spencer's now, and sticking some sort of a weight to its bottom so it will sit properly at the table, and using it as our very own physical embodiment of Rando Cardrissian, just for giggles. Then we can all be ashamed of ourselves for not outwitting an inflatable sex novelty.



But if we decide to name it (her? Probably) anything other than Rando...what to name our card game sex doll? Hm...



I hope you are having a spectacular day, and that you have a lovely weekend.

I'll close with my favorite awkward silly compliment: "Your face is good."



Best wishes,

<Spork>

And their response:

<Spork>,

You're really taking Rando Cardrissian to the next level. I love it. I also have a strong feeling that her name would be Randi. I look forward to hearing how it goes if you decide to add Randi to your game. Hopefully she won't totally crush all of you.

I hope that you have a lovely day/weekend/arbitrary span of time too. You have great ear lobes.

XOXO,
Orli

I've been convinced for some time, that this is an amazing company. They do cool things, that I really like, besides even just the card game. They are really reinforcing this belief for me this week, I gotta say. Delightful people!
 
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Fun exchange!

Older dryers are so much better than new ones. Everyone knows or should know this. We have a washer and dryer here in our rented house from the 80s. Recently we had one small part replaced. The repair person said these older models are better and should last us another 30 years. New ones have planned obsolescence, of course!
 
Not, "I did not DO good enough" but "I'm NOT good enough." It is always crap like this with him. And with his Dad, though I didn't say so.

I really hate to think how he's going to cope with life, with things like not getting jobs he applies for, with things like romantic rejection, which are the kinds of experiences everyone just HAS in life, if every time he defaults to, "You think I suck. I quit. I'm just not gonna try anymore! The whole world is against me, no one appreciates me!"

Do you think he'd enjoy working and living outdoors for part of the summer? I ask because a lot of conservation corps have summer programs for high school age kids that last somewhere between 2-8 weeks on average. More than anything the programs aspire to give the participants self confidence and follow through by doing project work in national forests, national parks, and other protected areas. One of the greatest things about it for kids that struggle with follow through is that they get to see tangible results of their hard work. Also because of the nature of the work it requires working together with peers to accomplish. Of course it may not be for him but then again he might love it.
 
Do you think he'd enjoy working and living outdoors for part of the summer? I ask because a lot of conservation corps have summer programs for high school age kids that last somewhere between 2-8 weeks on average. More than anything the programs aspire to give the participants self confidence and follow through by doing project work in national forests, national parks, and other protected areas. One of the greatest things about it for kids that struggle with follow through is that they get to see tangible results of their hard work. Also because of the nature of the work it requires working together with peers to accomplish. Of course it may not be for him but then again he might love it.

Well, he wants very much to get a summer job and make money. I don't have any objections to this, he'll learn that you don't get paid just for showing up and being appreciated because you're standing there breathing. One can hope. But it is looking more and more likely that he'll have to get a GED, he's failed and is failing a number of courses, otherwise if he only had failing grades in a couple of things, he'd be in summer school.

Can't hurt, I figure, to start getting some job experience. His road is not going to be an easy one, I don't think.

I'm definitely feeling how it must have been for my Mother in dealing with me, and with one of my brothers that she raised...she never really knew how to handle teenagers, make us do anything we were supposed to do, and I don't honestly know either. Yet in both cases of me and my little brother, once we were adults, we realized we had to do it for ourselves and we got going...we both have had bad luck in our choices of marital partners. I've talked enough about my marriage, my little brother is in a bad one, too, they're in their early 20's and struggling in a number of areas. It's pretty likely they'll divorce sooner or later. But both of us got jobs, decent ones, forged a path in that respect at least.

I often think about "if I could be plopped down at any point in my past knowing what I know now, what would I do differently" mentally rewinding to different points where I feel I made mistakes. I regret that I messed up in high school, that I didn't learn to drive until age 24 (and I had the benefit of driver's ed in high school, which my kids do not!) that I didn't bother to get any jobs when I was a teenager, I gave myself no head start at all, and had to desperately scratch and scrape and figure out how to survive when I got kicked out of the nest right after I graduated. College, at that point, wasn't even something I could consider, I had no idea how to even go about getting in. I didn't even understand how to use the health care resources available to me. Heck, I got pregnant, and got no prenatal care for the first 4 months, because I didn't realize you needed to. My Mom moved out to where we were at, and she was shocked and got me hooked up with a doctor and all. Like there I was at 19 years old thinking you just waited until your water broke and then go show up at a hospital. LOL! God, young people can be clueless.

But I always know, had I done this and that differently, the results of those changes...maybe better, maybe worse. Sometimes though, in the persistent tendency I have to go over and over the past, I nearly feel like I will surely be reincarnated into a parallel universe where I must relive my life and apply whatever lessons I learned this time around, like we have cycles of living as the same person over and over, and I have these thoughts because I am trying to imprint information, to take with me to the next try. Not that I solidly believe any such thing, it's just a FEELING I sometimes have.

I'm sure that's a movie that has been made at some point, I'm sure I'm not the only one who has thought such thoughts.

But here we are, and my sons will have to make their own way somehow, just like I did.

Zen and I went to Game Night on Friday and played Cards Against Humanity with my new stuff in the mix. It was fun. Oddly I find that my enjoyment of the game often depends so very much on who is sitting at the table. Normal people who just play a normal game, it's like meh...whatever. But then occasionally you get someone whose delivery is just fantastic, or who is delighted by the jokes because they're new to playing the game...and it really makes it so much more fun. We had a guy join in at one point, who is usually one of the most socially awkward people I know, he has a sort of stutter, and he's just...awkward. No better word for it. But one of the first cards he played, he delivered so superbly, with just the right sort of dry tone and pauses in the right places...the card was, "A man, with the head...of a goat...and the body...of a goat..." (I put the ellipsis in there to express how he read it.) Had one of those moments where I out-of-control laughed, I think my eyes even teared up. That was awesome.

Magdlyn: Regarding the dryer... I have no idea how old it was, and I suspect it is repairable, but the property management for this place has had a history of sending out incompetent repair people. When we moved in, it wasn't drying effectively from day 1. A guy came out and put a temperature probe into it and ran it. He said, "Well, it heats, and it tumbles, so if there's a problem, it's a clogged ventilation system, and that isn't something I fix." Now the vent is unfortunately one that runs straight into the wall and from there I don't know the route it takes to the outside, whether it exhausts out the roof or out of the wall somewhere, or what. I've asked them to send someone to clean that out, and they haven't yet, but I asked again and I'll be calling them again today. When I swapped out the dryers, I checked the tubing and it seemed ok, and I reached as far in as I could, into the duct, and couldn't feel anything obstructing it.

And of course that does not explain the loud god-awful screeching noise the old dryer was making.

So we replaced an old Kenmore with a newer (but not brand new) Whirlpool dryer, which I got pretty cheap, and which is covered by a year long replacement warranty. So if anything goes wrong with it, I can take it right back and they'll give me a comparable model to replace it, no questions asked.

Gotta say though, the ex and I bought cheapo appliances in 2008, like the cheapest ones we could find (new) at the time. And those lasted us for several years, and I think we eventually gave them away, still working, to some friends-of-friends who wanted them. Then when we moved into the house we bought in 2012, they had really fancy expensive upright front loading high efficiency machines...and we had all sorts of issues with those. Seems for regular (not gentle) use, a $300 generic will do ya better than a $900+ fancy new thing. *shrug*
 
So I was feeling, last night, like I might be getting sick. Nevertheless, I ran to pick up Q from school, since he stayed after, then took him to get Burger King for dinner, then went to my storage unit where he had said he'd help me move some stuff out, and into the garage...well, his willingness to help was limited, and after listening to him huff and sigh and act all put out about it for a bit, I was like, "Dude just go sit in the car, I'll finish this." But it felt ok because I got to be control freak about which boxes I was getting and how I was tetris-ing them into the van, and later into the garage. I wanted them stacked a certain way in the garage that would hopefully be stable. I stacked 3 stacks of boxes all the way up to the (high) ceiling in there, using the step-ladder, and short of an earthquake they should not fall. We've been in this townhouse long enough through various weather conditions that I feel good about the garage staying dry, which is important to me in storing this stuff...don't care if it's hot or cold, as long as it's dry.

So I got all that done, but I wasn't feeling great, felt like maybe a cold coming on, so I ate some tasty soup, and I wanted a hot bath and a long nap. But the bath was not possible, as Q had taken a long shower and used all the hot water. I settled for a nap.

Zen came home and woke me up around 11, which I wanted him to do, I really do enjoy getting at least a little time with him every day if possible. I love him so much. I really love the idea of spending lots of good years together after my kids move out. Something about him...it's feeling appreciated, but it's more than that, too. It's like every effort is more worthwhile because he's in my life. Even the things I do to keep the house clean feels like more of a labor of love, because I'm sort of nesting and making our shared home a nice place for both of us. He just makes my life so much better, and I'm thankful every day that we are together.

Later this week, we're flying to Phoenix to visit his father. I'll be meeting him for the first time. I'm looking forward to that. Which reminds me, I need to reach out to a couple of friends of mine who are down there, to see if I can arrange lunch or something with one or the other or both of them. One of them is Reecy, the musician friend who wanders the earth, she's living down there these days. Another is a friend from the GWAR community who I have known for a number of years online, but not met in person.

I was worried about the possibility I could be getting sick leading into this trip, it sucks to fly on a plane with a cold and I certainly don't want to give any illness to Zen's Dad...but I seem to be feeling so much better today, hopefully it wasn't much of anything. We've had some wacky weather changes lately, so could be my sinuses and such were just acting up because of that. And of course it's getting more and more springlike, and my allergies will probably give me some grief...
 
Planning some travel to see Zen's Dad over the weekend, down in Arizona. I've got our airport parking worked out at a sweet discounted rate, I'm scoping out the area of the hotel, looks like tons of restaurants everywhere and maybe I can also find something to buy Ninja for his birthday; there appears to be a mall right by the hotel. There's nothing much he really NEEDS but it would be one of those, "I know it when/if I see it" situations, trying to shop for him. No need to go nuts, but if I see a cool shirt or whatever...

Uh oh, the mall has a Godiva shop...lol... I've got a weakness for good chocolate. Ah, but vacation or no, I'm still trying to mind my budget. Sometimes I feel a bit lame that I don't have more money free to do stuff I want with Zen, but the thing is...I've gotten myself in trouble in the past spending more than I had. I've never been able to accumulate savings (other than a 401K) and I want so badly to be debt free. None of my sensible financial goals can magically happen if I don't tell myself "no" when it comes to spending more than I can afford, and even making pretty decent money, life's got a way of eating it all up with important and necessary things, especially when one is still parenting kids in the house. It sucks but I have to be realistic, so I don't wind up deep in debt again like I was on and off during my married years. So I'm very grateful that Zen and his Father are covering the cost of my inclusion on this trip. I really want to meet Zen's Dad and I'm looking forward to visiting Phoenix for the first time. Weather forecast looks nice, temps in the 70's and 80's...which is better than today's 91.

I have neglected to reach out to the two friends I have down there about getting together, thus far. I'm posting on Facebook today, I figure if either of the people I know down there can and are able to hang out, that's cool, and if not, that's also ok. No worries. We are not there for very long, so no need to pack my schedule with stuff.

We enjoyed last night's episode of The Magicians. I guess there are only 2 episodes left to the season...I wonder if there will be another season for us to watch, eventually. I hope so. The show really is more interesting than I expected it to be the first time I watched it. I got the feeling of "young sexy adults saving the world youngly and sexily" from the first episode, which didn't promise much in the way of clever storytelling or intellectual depth, but I gotta say, I was pleasantly surprised. I would like to see more of it.
 
OK so just had a thought, wandering internet land a moment...

Penny is my favorite character, hands down, on The Magicians. Zen mentioned it would be cool to get his autograph if he shows up at a Con. Zen is really so much more into the whole celebrities and autographs thing than I am. My "thing" was always to hang out with the creative types I appreciated (which was usually musicians, because access to them isn't that hard if they are less than an arena act, you just go hang around the tour buses) and spend the kind of time with them where you befriend them, and have sort of an ongoing interaction. I've done this mostly with GWAR of course, but I've met other musicians I liked. And honestly, if they are distant or not nice, there is a chance I'll just stop supporting their work altogether. Or at least maybe I'll only buy songs I like on Amazon, but not go to concerts or buy merch. If they are cool to me though? I'll not only support them, I'll promote the heck out of everything they do, potentially, to my rather large social networks. So. That is how all that has worked for me in the past. Which is why the idea of standing in a crazy long line and paying a significant chunk of change ($40-80?) for 30 seconds of a famous person's time and semi-attention, and a signature...*shrug*...I don't see the appeal so much?

Also, I never much feel like I "know" the person or will ever have any chance to. The characters they play, are generally thought up and written up by somebody else. That ain't THEM in any fashion. Maybe if I'd read a book they'd written or something it might be different. But I feel like acting...the actor is sort of a delivery method for somebody else's idea, even when yeah, they're talented and all. I dunno.

I've just had trouble getting on board and interested in the whole thing at the conventions.

But... Just now, I did something that would be "duh, you idiot, that's always been a thing" to anyone living in the year 2018 and not under a rock... I checked out the actor (Arjun Gupta) who plays Penny, and he's really active and engaging on Twitter. Now I have not been on Twitter since Dave Brockie of GWAR died. He was hilarious there, and he was really the only reason I was there at all. I will probably struggle to even remember my login. But following some actors who play characters I like, on shows I like...might actually make me care enough to want to meet them for a minute and stuff like that.

Which led me to another piece of thinking. I know Zen is pretty avoidant of social media, and I'd say when it comes to Facebook he's got very good reasons. But I think you can do Twitter without putting as much of yourself out there, and random people you know with opinions that annoy you won't necessarily find you there and fill up your feed with irritating junk, but you can watch what celebrities have to say about this and that. I would think, out of all possible forms of social media, maybe Zen should have a look at Twitter. I actually think that being active on it at times is something that actors are probably contracted to do these days. Seems there's always a "live" Twitter presence during particular shows, where the actors are there to chitchat with fans during the commercials or whatever. I'm slightly surprised Zen's not already in on this.
 
I'm looking forward to visiting Phoenix for the first time. Weather forecast looks nice, temps in the 70's and 80's...which is better than today's 91.

This is a great time of year to visit Phoenix! It's near the end of the best weather for hiking and being out in the desert. I don't think they got much rain this winter though so the wildflowers probably aren't very showy.
 
This is a great time of year to visit Phoenix! It's near the end of the best weather for hiking and being out in the desert. I don't think they got much rain this winter though so the wildflowers probably aren't very showy.

Well, it wasn't really a "hiking the desert" kind of a trip, but it was great.

We were in Chandler, in a pretty nice neighborhood, with our hotel and where Zen's Dad lives. I like his father a lot. It was wonderful to get to meet him, and I wish the timing of Zen and I getting together had allowed for me to meet his mother before she passed, too. The house is still full of her things and her...I dunno, energy, I guess, and I feel like I would have liked her. I also arranged to meet up with a couple of friends while I was there, a dinner here, a lunch there. Our friend, Reecy, introduced us to the wonders of Chinese buffet. I was skeptical of this because I am so picky, and Asian food is often full of weird veggies and sauces that don't necessarily appeal to me. I mean, I don't like almost any vegetables, and no seafood... But some of the sauces, I do like, as long as there are no bits in them. I like teriyaki, soy sauce, various sesame sauces and oils, orange chicken, stuff like that. Plain white rice. I found plenty to eat that I enjoyed. And Reecy had me try a pork bun...I usually avoid such things of course, because I can't see what's IN them, and I always assume, "veggies ick"...but there was nothing but meat and sauce in this yummy, floofy thing.

I was thinking, at some point when next I see Reecy, I'll say to her, "Remember that time in Phoenix when we shared a bun? Good times." Seems like a fun thing to say.

And we went to the Renaissance Festival, which was delightful. I got some gifts for Ninja, since we were due to arrive back (yesterday) on his 19th birthday. And some fun things for me. I spotted some art that had me just delighted, and Zen bought two canvas prints of it. A pair of steampunk/Victorian blue-ringed octopi. I'll have to take pictures to share here, they're wonderful.

I'm feeling pretty good about the eventual possibility of moving to Phoenix. I told Zen, we might want to just plan to do that, after Q becomes an adult, gets through high school (or gets his GED, whatever) and so on. Rather than holding out hope that maybe his father won't need us to move down there at all, and only doing so if we must. I have a few good reasons for this.

- It seems a better idea to do such a move on our own terms, rather than because there has been an emergency with his Dad's health or ability to live independently. Better to plan and execute such a thing with cool heads and proper planning and a reasonable time table.
- I feel like having family near would be really good for his Dad. He seems kind of lonely, though I don't think he'd admit it. He misses his wife, that much is clear. The thought of him living alone in the house they shared, and then one day going into some kind of a facility, with no one living there to visit him more than a couple of times a year...I don't like that. I'd rather we were there for him.
- It hasn't done my sons any favors, living with me. I'm just not very good at being a hard-ass, making teenagers do anything they don't want to do (which is pretty much everything they should.) I loathe disharmony in my home. I'm a pushover to the point of being an enabler. I was with their father, and I am with them. Ninja is having to go to Job Corps because he's accomplished nothing in the last year, living with me. Q is failing classes and being completely irresponsible. I feel like this won't change for either of them, if they are living with me or if I'm there to be their safety net. Sometimes the best thing you can do, when you've found that your relationship with someone enables their bad choices and bad behaviors, is to back out of it. Sometimes someone cannot grow, when someone else is in their life, and sometimes growth has to hurt. So I think, if I see Q through the process of getting his GED (which is looking like the path he'll have to take) and some basic early-adulthood planning, especially if my ex is still here in Colorado Springs, I can then go away a while and just let things be tough for the kid, grow him up some. His dad would be here if things got too dire, after all, but his dad isn't someone you really want to live with and mooch off of. So.
- I might very well, in a few years, be able to take my job with me and work from home if I moved. There is some precedent for this in my company. That would be great, since they do pay me pretty well.

I love it here, and I do think that ultimately in the long run, I'd want to move back. But I think I would like living in Phoenix for a matter of some years...
 
That thing Facebook does, where it shows you "memories" of things you posted years ago...

Got a quote my younger son gave me back in 2011 when he was 9 years old this morning:

"Smell my cheese like you never smelt it before. It has a cheese flavor."

The boy has a long history of saying bizarre things. I'm glad I saved those quotes somewhere, along the way. I would like to get some kind of a nice scrapbook or something, some sort of an album with regular paper where I can put some of this stuff, save it for the future generations of my family maybe. Of course writing some sort of a book has been part of my "One more damn thing I ought to get around to someday" list for a long time.

Well, this morning, I've got my mind on my money and my money on my mind. I'm scraping by on fumes when it comes to my accounting this week, the only solution is to simply not spend much if I can, or as little as possible anyways. At some point this month I've got to wedge in the cost of my ticket to Thunder in the Mountains, our kink convention that happens in July. Ticket sales will close in May. But it won't be this next week... My present angst is how even with a pay raise and a decent income, I still seem to struggle with money. My aggregated financial data in my spreadsheets tells me things about that, but I am not sure how to make it better. I know that I about 77% of my money spent is on "necessary" things like bills and groceries and gas, just your basic cost of living. The rest on "frivolous" things like eating out and holidays and buying the occasional pair of wacky socks or a Cards Against Humanity expansion.

I wonder how people who make a lot less, of which there are so very many, manage to get by. And I contemplate how, as my kids grew up, and my life progressed, I thought at times, "Oh when <progress event> happens, I'll have so much more money to spare." Whether that was the kids getting out of diapers, or outgrowing the need for childcare, or getting rid of debt... Yet here I am, and life seems to have an odd way of devouring whatever time or money resources I have on hand, just gobbling it up, no matter how much there SHOULD be. I guess perhaps, despite feeling I ought to be savvy enough not to need one, after the kids are grown and out maybe I'll look at getting a decent financial adviser or something. Some of the most financially successful people I've ever known have had one. Maybe it just needs an uninvolved third party to objectively look at my figures and say, "Yeah here's your problem. Do this about it."

Of course, changing my life from what it was before, while I was married, which was a pretty big chunk of years...to what I'm living now...it is a big difference. Back then we'd just take on debt to do whatever we needed or wanted if we didn't have enough actual money, but we had windfalls, big ones, from time to time, and then we'd pay it down or pay it off. Tax refunds, or military bonuses (god did the military ever throw money at us.) Now I don't get those anymore, pretty much ever, and I cannot qualify, following my bankruptcy, for much borrowing (which is really for the best anyways) and so I have to operate from the other end of the equation, not "whatever we need/want" but "what have I got?" I don't think I'm doing a terrible job of it.

Yet every time I have to tell Zen that I really cannot afford this or that, or say no to one of my kids (scratch that, it's always Q) or something...I feel like I'm not doing a good enough job. Like Zen must be wondering how I can be so bad at handling my finances that I can't afford to go to this event, or eat out, and I don't want him to feel like he's got to help me out with money because for crying out loud, I make what I make, this is ridiculous! So it's weird and stressful.

I do know that I've covered twice as much of the costs directly related to the kids this year, as Old Wolf has with the money he sends. He really got off very easy with the whole child support thing. So as the boys grow up and move on, that hopefully will relieve some of the budgetary strain on me. Ought to. But I've thought that before...
 
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