Ready to bolt...

P

PolyDragon05

New member
Greetings everyone,

New to an actual poly life even though I've identified as poly for a very long time. My ex husband and I experimented a lot in the swingers community for years and that's when I became more open to the idea of a poly life. He had my permission to go ahead with the understanding that he told me the truth about it. Unfortunately, he decided to cheat on me several times (WHY?!?! When you have permission?!?!! I don't get it)

Also unfortunately, he hasn't comfortable with me having relationships outside our marriage so it was very much a one way thing.

We are no longer together.

Anyway... to the issue at hand:
I still very much identify as polyamourous. I can't see myself being monogamous again. So now enters a new guy in my life. He is married, in an open relationship for 2 years. His wife has been seeing another guy for 8 months while he's only now comfortable seeing other people. Me.

Let me say... THIS IS NOTHING LIKE I EXPECTED IT TO BE!!

I'm not ready for a full relationship commitment so I thought this would be perfect for me. And it think it would be. But I feel so disrespected and I'm ready to bolt. Please tell me if I'm being insincere.

Our first date was amazing. We met at a restaurant and chatted for 5 hours. We stopped because we closed the place. It felt natural and comfortable (that is still the same feeling every time we are together)

But...
Every. Single. Date. or time spent together afterwards, his wife has interfered in one way or another.

Now I'm going to say that I respect her. I respect their dynamic and marriage. I understand she comes first and this is new to her. So when she calls and says I'm not comfortable with this arrangement or I'm feeling left out, I bow out. Or I let him bow out. And I would forever continue to do so.

But this is where I feel disrespected tho. She tells him to go and then calls, sorry I changed my mind. Or why didn't you ask me to go there with you instead of her. Or can you come back I need the car. Or... whatever.

He has asked me to be patient. And I'm really trying to be. But I only see that I'm going to get hurt in the long run if I'm already feeling this way now.

The one that hurt the most is when he canceled our date because she wanted more attention. He stayed home... She decided to go out with her boyfriend instead. Then she tell him he can come see me the next day knowing I had plans, so I cancel them... and she is HOURS late coming home (they have kids) so he showed up 3 hours later allowing us only 30 minutes to chat :(

I got to see him overnight last weekend but she called in the morning after sending a number of unanswered text messages because we were getting it on finally... She wanted the car because she bought something online and wanted to go pick it up right away. So we got to sleep in the same bed together... when I was hoping for so much more since I can't see him this week/end at all.

I told him that I feel like a disrespected half-ass booty call at this point.

Am I being a bitch here or do I have grounds to feel this way? Is it time to bolt or will I find the same thing over and over again because I'm being unreasonable in my expectations?
 
Last edited:
I, an internet stranger give you permission to bolt. It's totally okay to have needs in a relationship, and your dude is unable to meet those needs. I would personally give wait a date, to see if his actions meet his words, but it sounds like you already did that.
 
I could be wrong in my impression. To me it sounds like Wife is not ok with husband dating outside marriage. Husband allows the wife's issues to leak over on to his relationship with you. She might be the one calling but he's the one answering rather than letting it go to voice mail. Husband does not go "Wife, we can talk about this at home. This is not an emergency. Stop sabotaging my dates."

He might be WILLING to date you, but he's not actually ABLE because he doesn't set and enforce personal boundaries with his wife. He allows the sabotage. He wants you to be patient and allow it too. What for? If she's getting her way with the sabotage... exactly what motivates her to stop this behavior?

You do not have to be patient and put up with this. This is not your marriage or your marriage problems. If this couple did not do their homework? Has not done the work of disentanglement? Or if this is one of those deals where she SAYS she wants Open for both but really wants Open for just her? How's any of that anything to do with you? Not your job or problem to solve.

I think you are best out of the line of fire.

It's ok to bow out if you don't feel respected or appreciated here.

I don't think you expecting for him to have his domestic arrangements settled BEFORE he asks you out to be horrible. I do not think expecting him to be respectful of your time and effort to be PRESENT on dates horrible either. I don't think it is horrible to expect HIM to be PRESENT on dates.

What he is doing? He is allowing interruptions, not being full PRESENT on dates, kinda stringing you along. If he bails at the drop of a hat whenever his wife calls? How is he showing respect for you? I don't think he's ready to poly date. Depending on how you feel about it you could bow out and let this one go. Or bow out and tell him to look you up when he actually has his stuff sorted out.

I understand she comes first and this is new to her. So when she calls and says I'm not comfortable with this arrangement or I'm feeling left out, I bow out. Or I let him bow out. And I would forever continue to do so.
Click to expand...

Why? Why this unfair expectation of yourself and this undue deference?

Why not expect that he just NOT MAKE THE DATE in the first place if she's not comfortable? Or feels left out?

Why make the date with you and then drag you into their weird? And then you have to put up with disturbances in YOUR schedule and life just because they don't have it together? And you say you are ok doing this/being treated like this forever? Why? How is this self respecting behavior when you subsume yourself to others? I don't get it.

I'm not saying to be a jerk to the wife or be rude. But why do that to yourself? Put yourself last? :confused:

Am I being a bitch here or do I have grounds to feel this way?
Click to expand...

Why is taking care of you FIRST you "being a bitch" rather than you "putting your own oxygen mask on first?" Are you in the habit of being too selfless? Putting other people first? People pleasing?

You have grounds not to like this. And if you don't like it? You don't have to keep participating. Could CHANGE your expectation to be doing this forever. Could tell yourself it is OK to STOP if things feel yucky to you. You matter too.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
She is disrespecting him. He is disrespecting you. I hate to say this because it is such a cliche, but he needs to "man up" where the wife is concerned. By constantly caving in to her demands he is only establishing that the behavior is okay.

No, you are not being a bitch. You have every right to tell him to start treating you like a human being or you will bail.
 
I... would not expect this to get better. What you tolerate in the early stages of a relationship will only get worse once you're more invested.
 
Because of crap like what you going through PD I will not date poly men with nesting partners.

Once is a fluke, twice was a coincidence, and the third time was a trend... So to be honest I have decided that I do not have timefor that BS again if I find myself looking for other partners.
 
Noyse said:
I, an internet stranger give you permission to bolt. It's totally okay to have needs in a relationship, and your dude is unable to meet those needs.
Click to expand...

I wasn't really looking for permission but more of confirmation that I'm not overreacting.

Galagirl said:
Why make the date with you and then drag you into their weird? And then you have to put up with disturbances in YOUR schedule and life just because they don't have it together? And you say you are ok doing this/being treated like this forever? Why? How is this self respecting behavior when you subsume yourself to others? I don't get it.
Click to expand...

I was more saying that I respect he has a family life and they will come first.

vinsanity0 said:
I hate to say this because it is such a cliche, but he needs to "man up" where the wife is concerned. By constantly caving in to her demands he is only establishing that the behavior is okay.
Click to expand...

Exactly where my thoughts were at.

dagferi said:
Once is a fluke, twice was a coincidence, and the third time was a trend...
Click to expand...

I'm learning through this...

Thanks everyone for confirming what I felt. I was really afraid to hear "Suck it up buttercup, it comes with the territory"
 
Last edited:
Having kids, I totally understand that there are some things that need to be accommodated when it comes to household responsibilities between nesting partners.

None of the issues you mention seeen like reasonable accommodations for This couple to expect of each other. She had been dating her boyfriend for 8 months, so I assume that she values that relationship. He needs to sit down with her and work out some agreements about what is allowed when it comes to date interference. “I threw out my back and can’t properly care for the children”? Yeah, that’s a reason to interrupt your spouse’s date and ask them to come home. “I need the car to pick up something I bought”? No, if you wouldn’t expect your spouse to leave work to deal with something then you shouldn’t expect them to leave an important relationship.

I would think that this would be a fairly easy conversation to have since she (presumably) wouldn’t tolerate the same behavior from him while she is out with her boyfriend. But if he is unwilling to have the conversation and/or the boundaries are still not being established and honored, then yes, you should bolt now.
 
Hello PolyDragon05,

This man's wife is acting highly inconsiderate towards you, and he is letting her do it. I would tell him you are about ready to bolt, and will unless things change. You are not in the wrong, you are right to be upset about this. There are people out there who will treat you better. You deserve to be treated better.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I agree with the others, above, in that no, I do not believe you're not out of line here or expecting too much AT ALL.

This is a matter of respect and common courtesy. Neither the wife NOR your new partner are treating you well in this situation.

Frankly, the wife sounds like she is being highly manipulative, though I'm not sure if she's doing it on purpose to cause trouble between you out of jealousy or spite - or because she is really having a difficult time coping with her husband dating somebody new and is floundering emotionally, therefore acting out in any way she knows how.

Regardless, neither of them has their act together, and it doesn't sound as if they've done the work necessary to be truly and "ethically" polyamorous. Clearly the wife hasn't worked through her own issues with jealousy/insecurity. And as someone else pointed out, it's possible she really isn't okay with her husband dating even though she herself has another relationship... but just doesn't want to admit it (which would make her hypocritical, if their agreement was that both sides would be "open")... and therefore uses invented pretexts to reclaim his attention while he's with you.

Changing her mind about plans just before, or worse, DURING a date... and interrupting your time together by calling your partner for spurious or frivolous reasons is not only bad form, but it's mean and childish. In any stable, sane person's book the things you mention can wait.

The fact that your current partner allows this behaviour and actually runs home at her every beck and call says a lot about HIM and his attitude to BOTH relationships.

The fact is, there are a lot of people who are simply conflict avoidant, and it sounds like your new man is one of them. In his eyes, it may seem "easier" to palm you off with some weak excuse and risk a broken date and your disappointment than to face whatever the consequences of NOT immediately capitulating to his wife's demands may be, once he gets home. They live together. He is familiar with her moods, triggers, and reactions - and it sounds like those reactions are not too pretty if she doesn't get her way.

This is not YOUR problem to solve, of course. However, since HE is allowing his wife's behaviour (via his response) to affect your time together, he is also the cause of you being hurt, frustrated and wasting your time and emotional energy.

Just because your partner can't or won't stand up to his wife, doesn't mean YOU shouldn't stand up for yourself, draw your own boundary lines and communication these to him in no uncertain terms when they've been crossed. Just as THEY presumably have agreements within their marriage about dating others... you and he should also have agreements in place when it comes to your relationship. Only YOU can decide how much you'll put up with, and for how long.
 
Polydragon05 said:
Galagirl said:
Why make the date with you and then drag you into their weird? And then you have to put up with disturbances in YOUR schedule and life just because they don't have it together? And you say you are ok doing this/being treated like this forever? Why? How is this self respecting behavior when you subsume yourself to others? I don't get it.
Click to expand...

I was more saying that I respect he has a family life and they will come first.
Click to expand...

And I'm saying that's fine for him to deal with his family first before going out with other people. Solve whatever chores, childcare arrangements, prior commitments, etc BEFORE he leaves the house.

If he's still making domestic arrangements by phone and interrupting the date with you? Why can't he get it together and just not ask you out until his schedule/other obligations are actually clear?

Why jump the gun, ask you out prematurely, and then drag you through weirdness? If there's some emergency with a kid or wife? Ok, things happen. Take the call. But the things you describe are not emergencies. They are interruptions.

To me they sound like poor boundaries and sloppy planning with his time management and his priorities. And it is ok for you to be miffed about that. If all he can offer you is scraps rather than properly dating you? It's ok for you to not be up for scraps and bow out.

I think he could honor commitments in order made. It's fine if he has to clear commitments at home first before making new commitments for going out with you. But now that he IS out with you? And his wife is calling him to undertake new commitments like bring her the car or whatever? He could say "No, not at this time. I am doing THIS right now. We can talk about X when I get home. This is not an emergency thing." Enforce the boundary once and then let it go to voice mail til he gets home if she keeps on pestering.

He could finish the commitment to be PRESENT on the date with you, and then take on any other new commitments after that. Honor his commitments in the order made. Otherwise just don't make any new ones if his plate is already too full.

lunabunny said:
Just because your partner can't or won't stand up to his wife, doesn't mean YOU shouldn't stand up for yourself, draw your own boundary lines and communication these to him in no uncertain terms when they've been crossed.
Click to expand...

I agree with lunabunny. If he asks you out again, you can have conditions like "Only if phones are off during the date" or "only 1 call during the date." Past that? If he's still so disorganized with his home life that he's taking all calls willy nilly even when it is not emergencies? He's not really being present on the date with you?

There is a consequence you can do -- you don't accept new dates with him. If all he can offer is wonky dating that makes you feel like a disrespected half-ass booty call? You can pass. You can respect your own self and skip going out with someone who treats you poorly.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Reminds me of something I said about not being interested in virgins unless really serious about the relationship, because it is a lot of drama and like a training school. You end up being the punching bag before the boxer gets better at it.

You are your partner's first poly partner and are getting the hits from both his inexperience as well as his wife's inexperience coping with her own insecurity.

Only you can decide whether he is worth it. Only you can decide whether that pair is capable of getting their act together if given time and tolerance - and perhaps a healthy dose of arguments about their impact on you.

Perhaps she will get better with time, as her husband says - he knows her. We don't.

Perhaps she will continue to pull his strings and he will find his spine and figure out how to stop her insecurities bleeding all over his other relationships - or not.

Perhaps she will continue to pull his strings forever.

This is indeed not fair to you and it is not unreasonable to expect that he acts as he says he will with you for the most part, even if not utterly unfailingly.

In your place, I'd try a conversation between the three of you, explain the patterns you saw and ask them to address those patterns so that she didn't immediately take the first response to her insecurity at the cost of others, and even if she did, he didn't allow it to torpedo what the two of you have.

Give it a time limit. Say over the next month, two months, whatever seems reasonable for the frequency you meet, you give it a probation period and everyone evaluates at the end.

Even if you agree to his request for tolerance on trust, because everything else is wonderful, it doesn't have to be unconditional or unlimited. For example, you don't have to tolerate the status quo, even if you are willing to tolerate a specific period of goof ups as they learn. As long as they are committed to learning.
 
I had the same type of situation. I had a similar situation happen. The man and I were very compatible. His wife interrupted almost all of our dates or we had to cancel them because of her. He claimed she was bipolar. She had many boyfriends in the past, but she always got this way when he would date. She decided she didn't wan to be poly anymore and wanted them to close their marriage.
It got worse each date we had, and got to a point where I had to just end it with him. As soon as I ended it with him, she started dating again.

This man you are dating should not be dating anyone. His wife obviously doesn't want him to and they need to figure all that out.

Keep looking, chances are, you will find someone that you want to date and has his wife's permission and full support. I wish you well.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top