I'm new to poly and looking for advice from people more seasoned than I. I met someone recently who I'm very interested in, and I keep getting the vibe that he's interested in me too. I was disappointed to find out he has a relationship already, but then I found out he is poly. What is the best way to broach the subject of his relationship/if he's interested in dating someone else? I don't want to be disrespectful to his current relationship. I went back through the threads and didn't see this asked, so apologies if it has been already. Thanks for reading.
I'd figure the first question would for you: Assuming everything clicks, are you willing to undertake a relationship that (by monoamorist standards) can only be part-time? This can be a jolt for someone who has little experience with balancing multiple relationships.
(FWIW: having a relationship with someone who has (or wants) multiple relationships doesn't make YOU polyamorous. Wanting to be (or to attempt) polyamory doesn't make you poly. But polyamory does have lots of resources for how to deal with the situations that arise.)
Sorry, I should have clarified--I'm new to poly in general, but wouldn't necessarily call myself that since I've never been in a poly relationship. I am interested in it but not versed in how its etiquette is different from mono relationships that I'm used to, and I figured I could find some help here to get the other perspective.
As for your advice, I am not looking for a serious relationship (but I know how feelings can change down the road). That's a big thing to consider and I appreciate you asking it.
There is no different etiquette from monogamy other than be respectful of of their other relationship. Meaning do not try and influence their other relationships.
There is no different etiquette from monogamy other than be respectful of of their other relationship. Meaning do not try and influence their other relationships.
I guess I'm confused because mono etiquette is that you don't flirt or show interest in someone you know to be in a relationship, so the same thing applies here even though this person is poly?
I guess I'm confused because mono etiquette is that you don't flirt or show interest in someone you know to be in a relationship, so the same thing applies here even though this person is poly?
If you KNOW the person is poly for certain, and you are getting a pretty clear sense they're interested in you (and you should be able to tell, because there will almost always be that spark, easy conversation, lots of eye contact and flirting back and forth), then in my view there is no real harm in laying your cards on the table, upfront.
It depends on where you know the person from, how/when/where you normally encounter them... but generally speaking, I'd just speak up and say something like: "I think we hit it off quite well and I'm getting the feeling you think so too. You (or someone else) mentioned you're polyamorous, so I was just wondering what your current arrangement is, because I'd like to ask you out sometime if you're interested. How would you and your partner feel about that?" (The proposed date needn't be anything heavier than asking him out for coffee.)
OR you could skip the preamble and just ask him out as a "friend", and see where it leads. If he's poly and interested/available and LIKES you, you'll soon find out. THEN you can get into the specifics of agreements between him and his existing partner... but make sure you do this before anything physical happens between you.
But seriously, if you know he's poly then just do what you would do for any guy who is single. Don't ask about partners right off the bat. That is a conversation for later. The only reason to bring up his partners is if you think he's cheating.
Well, just cause he's poly, doesn't mean he's Open to dating right now. He might be at full capacity. But the only way to know is to ask him out.
"Hi. I'd like to ask you out. Would you be up for a date?"
Just like you would any other person. If the their plate is full because they already have their 1 sweetie and they are monogamous? They say "Oh, thanks. I'm flattered, but no. I'm not currently dating."
If the poly person's plate is full because they already have all the sweeties that they can handle? They say "Oh, thanks. I'm flattered, but no. I'm not currently dating."
Don't make it be a bigger deal than it is. You are not disrespecting people by politely asking them out. You cannot be a mind reader and know their whole situation ahead of time. You have to inquire to find out.
So ask because you want to know, and are interested. Wait to see what the response is. And whether yes or no, be polite back.
Yes: "Great! X is good for me. What day is good for you?
No: "Oh, I didn't know. But thanks for turning the offer down politely. I appreciate that."
Did the person tell you they were poly or did you find out from a third party?
I mean, if someone TOLD me they were poly, then I'd go ahead and flirt with them if I was interested, probably somewhere mentioning my own relationship dynamics along the way. If someone else told me that the person I was interested in was poly, I'd probably mention my own relationship dynamics at some point so that they could then come out as poly if they wanted to, and once they're out, proceed to flirt.
(If they're not out, flirting is weird since they're still apparently mono and they might think I was trying to do something unethical...)
I found out from a third party, so this is exactly what I’m apprehensive about. I don’t want it to seem like I am trying to do something unethical, but they are pretty flirty with me and I just don’t know what is an appropriate response.
I guess I would approach it something like this. First, say something like, "I heard that you're poly. Is that true?" Then, assuming he says yes, say something like, "Would it be disrespectful to your current relationship if you and I dated?" Then, assuming he says no, say something like, "Would you like to go out with me?" You could of course tweak the conversation to fit whatever you'd be comfortable saying. But what I've described would be the basic gist of it.
If he's poly, it's probably safe to ask him out.
Regards,
Kevin T.
