How do I refer to the kids?

majormerrick

majormerrick

New member
This is sort of a terminology question, I guess.

I married my husband in January...I'm wife #3. He's had several children with the other two wives, and I'm involved in taking care of them when I'm home. The kids refer to the other two wives as "Mom" interchangeably...for them, having two moms is totally normal. My relationship hasn't developed to that point yet, as I was more of an "aunt" figure in their lives until this year.

One of my friends was talking with me about my family, and asked me, "Well, aren't they your kids too now?" I've been referring to the kids usually as "my husband's kids" or something like that. So what do I call them? Are they my step-kids? That doesn't quite describe the relationship. They haven't quite adopted me as a mom yet, so I don't really feel that I can say the are "my" kids. I'm also pregnant, so I wonder if that will change how the kids see me?
 
Wasn't expecting to see you back - and what a surprise! I thought you had said in a previous post you couldn't get pregnant? anyway congrats.

At the moment I'd probably think of them as step or bonus kids too, but that may change over time.
 
icesong said:
Wasn't expecting to see you back - and what a surprise! I thought you had said in a previous post you couldn't get pregnant? anyway congrats.

At the moment I'd probably think of them as step or bonus kids too, but that may change over time.
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Yep...I was totally 100% sure that I couldn't get pregnant, but this has been a surprise. Everybody is convinced that this one is a miracle from God.

To be honest, I kind of got the impression that the folks on this forum don't really approve of the kind of relationship that I've found myself in.... But, outside of the church, nobody else really does either.

"Bonus" kids? I kind of like that! Kind of like I won the lottery. A bunch of times. I'm glad I'm getting an easier introduction to being a mom than most people get. I've got some kids that aren't totally mine to practice with, and two other moms to help/scold me.
 
How about asking the kids and going with what they want to be called? And stating what you want to be called?

Some blended families don't call the new spouse "Mom." Sometimes they just use first name. Like "This is my step-mom Jane" or "This is my father's wife Jane." And when talking to the person they just say "Jane." Maybe "bonus kids" works for them too. You could ask -- depending on how old the kids are.

I've got some kids that aren't totally mine to practice with, and two other moms to help/scold me.
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It's ok to feel that way -- like your stepchildren aren't exactly your kids. You don't have to automatically love your partner's parents, siblings, kids, etc just because you developed a relationship with partner.

But hopefully you don't tell the kids that (esp if they are little) and hopefully all can manage to be polite/respectful to each other.

Galagirl
 
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The reason folks here bristle at your style of relationship majormerrick is that it is a one way street. Meaning your husband can have multiple wives but you cannot have multiple husbands.

I have two husbands who do not have other partners but if at anytime they decide they want other partners they are free to do so.We do not condone relationships where the power dynamics are unfair.

But you are more than welcome to post and join in here.

As for the kids why not ask them what they prefer.
 
Hi majormerrick,

Welcome back. I hope you'll continue to post! It sounds like things are working out well for you. I guess my vote is for asking the kids what they would like you to call them.

Always with regards,
Kevin T.
 
The kids are all a bit young yet. The oldest starts school this year. Calling me by my first name probably isn't going to happen...my husband runs a "'Yes sir/ma'am" kind of household...all adults that aren't their parents are addressed as Mr./Mrs./etc.. out of respect. My two girlfriends are addressed as "Aunt."

I did have the opportunity last night to chat with our oldest daughter. I've been in her life for as long as she can remember, and she's already asked me why I married her dad. She asked me about what happens when my kids are born, and I told her that they would be her siblings. She's leaning toward the idea that I'm a mother figure in her life, but hasn't put words to it yet.
 
Is there no network of social support within your church group, in which people will have answered this question within families similar to yours, over and over?

Wouldn’t using the shared vocabulary for such relationships be most understandable to the children in your family and all their friends? I don’t understand why you’re reaching way out here for ideas to answer a specific need that’s probably universal within your sect.
 
majormerrick said:
To be honest, I kind of got the impression that the folks on this forum don't really approve of the kind of relationship that I've found myself in.... But, outside of the church, nobody else really does either.
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Don't worry about that too much.
I crumble at the idea of adopting a religious lifestyle like you did.
But I have no problem respecting your freedom of choice and like seeing you here. And since I'm curious, I'll enjoy following your story ;)
We all sometimes receive flack when our relationships don't go well according to poly ideals. I guess I want to say, welcome.
 
Lost boys (Mormon fundamentalism)
"Lost boys" is a term used for young men who have been excommunicated or pressured to leave polygamous Mormon fundamentalist groups such as the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (FLDS). They are alleged to be pressured to leave by adult men to reduce competition for wives within such sects, usually when they are between the ages of 13 and 21.

While some boys leave by their own choice, many are ostensibly banished for conduct such as watching a movie, watching television, playing football, or talking to a girl. Some boys are told not to return unless they can return with a wife. One estimate is that between 400 and 1,000 boys and young men have been pressured to leave for such reasons Many young wome also have left or been pressured to leave because they did not want to be part of polygamous marriages.

Boys in these sects are commonly raised not to trust the outside world, and are often taught that leaving their communities is a sin worse than murder. These boys are usually left with little education or skills applicable to life outside of their community of birth, and must learn to live in a society about which they know little, while dealing with the consequences of being shunned by their families, and believing they are beyond spiritual redemption. The families of banished boys are told that the boys are now dead to them. Some individuals, such as Dan Fischer, a dentist who left the FLDS church, work to help young men who have left or who have been ejected from polygamist organizations in cities like Hildale, Utah, or Colorado City, Arizona.
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SlowPoly said:
Is there no network of social support within your church group, in which people will have answered this question within families similar to yours, over and over?
Wouldn’t using the shared vocabulary for such relationships be most understandable to the children in your family and all their friends? I don’t understand why you’re reaching way out here for ideas to answer a specific need that’s probably universal within your sect.
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Well....there's one little thing in the way sometimes. I guess you could call it "pride." I kind of avoid asking too many questions of the other women so that I don't come off as ignorant. My introduction to the church was a bit...controversial. For multiple reasons. I can be a bit stubborn and independent.
Tinwen said:
Don't worry about that too much.
I crumble at the idea of adopting a religious lifestyle like you did.
But I have no problem respecting your freedom of choice and like seeing you here. And since I'm curious, I'll enjoy following your story ;)
We all sometimes receive flack when our relationships don't go well according to poly ideals. I guess I want to say, welcome.
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Thanks! I get the impression that people whose relationships are poly of one type or another are not usually in it for religious reasons. I guess even among the folks who are different…I’m still a bit different. :eek:
Ravenscroft said:
Lost boys (Mormon fundamentalism)
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I figured this would come up at some point. I realize that you probably aren’t religious and may have issues with people who are. Those of us who are don’t all fit in the same mold. Unlike the FLDS, plural marriage isn’t a focus for us. It isn’t considered a commandment from God, or necessary at all, merely a Biblically acceptable relationship choice. For those families with multiple wives, I’d say the usual number is 2-3, not the large numbers you see in the FLDS circles. Plural marriage is also a way to bring in women from outside the church (like me). I cannot imagine any of our families shunning their sons. It just doesn’t happen.
 
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