Maintaining different poly styles at the same time?

N

Noyse

Member
I've posted about Jim and Willow before, we're practicing parallel poly.

It's odd for me, I usually do kitchen table style poly, and that's the format me and Jim were aiming for; but factors such as distance, Mary drama (gone now!) and mine and Willow's dynamic has lead to us being parallel poly.

I recently starting seeing Connie, and let me tell you the NRE is thick. Kyle my causal, very RA, human has taken to independently reaching out to Connie--because I won't shut up about her.

This brings me alot of joy, but it feels weird with Jim being disconnected from the situation. He doesn't get emotionally invested in his partners' other relationships for his sanity, but would be down to meet Connie or Kyle if I really wanted it.

Has anyone else maintained different relationship styles with different people at the same time? How'd it go?
 
I have in the past, and currently, I'm seeing a man who is outside my friends network and most likely wouldn't gel with my friends network. I see him separately to all my other poly people, even though I am not romantic with my other poly friend peoples. :)

When I try to force or nudge a situation that isn't natural for all people, shit generally hits the fan. So I no longer do that. I just let people be comfortable and what pace and what style they want, and if it doesn't mesh well with me, then I either distance myself, or I compromise. When it's possible to compromise.
 
my 2 main partners practice very different styles of poly. I've always been more kitchen table with my nesting partner Sudo and any of his partners. But my partner Mr. Hyde and I have a more parallel style such that he and Sudo have met, and I have met Mrs. Hyde, but basically it just amounts to a few sentences here or there if we both happen to be with our partners at the same event.

I honestly don't mind this since my 2 partners don't really have anything in common so I have a feeling trying to force us all to hang out a ton would be a struggle. HOWEVER, I will say that because the guys haven't really gotten to know each other, and because Mrs. Hyde hasn't really been interested in making much of an effort to reall get to know me, it definitely has led to lots of insecurities for those in the polycule that tend to be more more anxious-attachment leaning in terms of their attachment styles. So having such limited interaction can cause issues for insecure people because their minds can really go all out with the "unknown."

Mainly for me, it's more about what flows naturally and works well. I don't mind either style, but tend to prefer at least some level of group interaction.... but ONLY if everyone naturally gets along. The last thing I'd want to do is feel forced to socialize with someone that I just didn't really click with and or had a personality that rubbed me the wrong way, etc.
 
IME, some people who idealize "kitchen table poly" actually have hidden motives. Like, they might be confusing the egalitarian goal/ideal with mere mechanistic (& often shallow) equality, & trying to kinda force everyone into the same cookie-cutter shape. Or they might intuit that expecting (forcing) everyone to "be involved" is a good way of maintaining the groups borders, as well as cutting into personal opportunity for introspection/observation that might reveal fundamental relational flaws.

My personal preference is for not only the socalled KTP, but for communalist householding, & in fact for building an actual community.

But I don't kid myself that someone (friend, lover, partner, fuckbuddy, whatever) who doesn't want to join is somehow flawed. Contrariwise, it's those people who've many times provided me invaluable objective observation of the situation I was in the thick of.

In this thread, it seems to me that this Jim guy has been set up as being somehow small-minded or counterrevolutionary or negative. How much arm-twisting is allowed?
 
Hi Noyse,

I think parallel and kitchen table both have their benefits, I can go either way depending on the situation. My V is basically kitchen poly, with maybe a little bit of parallel mixed in. I'm quite the introvert, and stay holed up in my room much of the time.

You mentioned that Jim would be down to meet Connie or Kyle if you really wanted it. Is that something you would like him to do? Something to think about.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
For me, what ends up happening is that the partners who prefer parallel poly end up getting less of my time than those who enjoy kitchen table style. Sometimes that's worked fine, but there have been times where the relationship wasn't sustainable because the person wanted more of me but wasn't willing to interact with my general life to get it.

Especially when I lived with Fly and we were raising Kiddo together, and had chickens and cats and a garden and a house that all required attention, not to mention a full time job and going to school, my parallel-leaning partners saw me maybe once or twice a month while my kitchen table friendly folks were able to hang out several times a week (That was a ridiculous run-on sentence but I don't have the bandwidth to fix it :rolleyes:). Even now, my life is busy and if I were juggling multiple partners it would be tricky keeping them all parallel and feeling satisfied by the relationships unless they were very casual.

My partners don't need to be friends, or even particularly like each other, but it works out much better with the way my life is structured if they can be cordial socially while in the same room occasionally. :)
 
I've only ever had one poly relationship - with co-primary partners Jester and Boho - which is on-going. I'm the hinge in our LDR "V", although Jester and Boho used to be FWB before I was with either of them.

Thus far, the relationships have been kept mostly separate due to circumstance rather than choice (different continents will do that) although we have spent time together as a group, and will again at Christmas time, with the ultimate aim of moving in together when I can relocate to their country.

Over the last couple of years, we have contemplated what relationship style and living arrangements would best suit our needs as a group and as individuals... and although planning to move in together "kitchen table style", it is pretty obvious that the current status quo will probably be maintained:

i.e. Boho and I will spend a LOT of time together, talking and planning and being physical with each other... while Jester will remain somewhat aloof/removed (in his own little world) even within a shared household. Both Jester and I need more "alone time", although I've learned to be more social and Boho tends to bring this out in me.

We plan on setting up our living and sleeping spaces to accommodate such individual needs. Meaning that we will each have our own bedroom/private place to retreat to, plus communal living area/s in which we can all spend time together. I think this will be important for us, as we're not a triad, per se.
 
Primary partner and I have different styles , he leans towards KTP, I am more situational.
K is friends with both Lee and Silk, and we have a KTP style with them, and he has the same with both his other partners , but I’ve chosen to have parallel relationships with metamours. It only causes tension when I feel like that interferes with ‘our’ time together. S doesn’t know or interact with any of my other partners, his choice, and that works just fine.
I wouldn’t want to feel obligated or forced to do KTP if I didn’t gel with the people involved.
 
I did this briefly with my GFs while my husband and I were still getting things together. I lived with the GFs, and my GF#1 already had a thing going with my husband's Wife #1. I was kind of jealous because I felt like I lost some of her attention for a while, and she'd be gone from the house. When she fell in love, she fell hard and fast...the cute factor kind of won me over.

Being all together in one house is so much easier. Even though I hated to sell my place because I'd put so much effort into it, I just couldn't do separation. It's all six of us in one bedroom now. That has its own challenges, but I like it a lot.
 
Ravenscroft said:
So... sister-wives with a guy who's too broke to properly support a household?
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Not sure where you got that assumption... almost like you think we wouldn't WANT to be together, but are doing it just out of necessity? I got into living this way for love. Not only do I love my husband and my girlfriends, but I'm growing into a loving and intimate relationship with the other two wives.

Actually, my husband makes a lot of money. More than I do, and I've got a good career. If I wanted to quit my job, I'm sure I could stay home without changing my family's lifestyle at all... my husband supports me whether I want to work or do something else.

If we wanted to, we could afford to have different households (although that seems wasteful to me.) The point I'm making is that we didn't want the separation. Separate houses, separate rooms...even separate beds just wasn't for us. It seemed negative and problematic. I wanted that togetherness more than I wanted to keep my own house. I was attached to the place I had bought and customized, but the time for me to use it had passed. Like any major life change, it takes a while to get used to it, but that isn't a bad thing.
 
Different strokes for different folks. Sharing a house, let alone a bedroom, with 5 other people would be hell on earth for me.
 
vinsanity0 said:
Different strokes for different folks. Sharing a house, let alone a bedroom, with 5 other people would be hell on earth for me.
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I'm with you V, I don't even really like to share my room with 1 regularly. lol. Even my own dog sleeps in the living room more often than my bed. Nothing better than star fishing on a bed alone. :D

This might be a big factor why i'm not married/ nesting partnered. LOL.

As for the OP. I am sure you can make it work, but the parallels might get less face time if they aren't willing to do some compromising... Depends how much time you can devote outside and individually with parallel peeps.
 
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