Sex drive...

H

HangFire33

New member
Hello,
Is it usual to have a reduced sex-drive towards your long term partner when you first have a new partner? My partner and I currently live in different cities and are exploring poly for the first time. I was shocked to visit her and discover that since she has a new lover she "feels weird" being sexually intimate with me. On reflection this sounds reasonable (as it's the first time either of us has had another partner) but I'm worried it's a sign of serial-monogamy on her behalf and not actually a poly-mindset. Also their relationship has gone from "this is someone I'd like to sleep with" to "I'm having strong feelings for this person" within three weeks, which doesn't help.

I'm just wondering if this is within the realms of transitioning towards poly or not.
 
HangFire33 said:
Hello,
Is it usual to have a reduced sex-drive towards your long term partner when you first have a new partner?
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Hello there,

It can happen, even when commitment is not truly in jeopardy. Desire is a complicated thing. Perhaps her own confusion or a sense of guilt towards you could inhibit her. Perhaps also the fact that you're not wholly on board (mind you, I'm saying this as far removed from any sense of blame as possible).

HangFire33 said:
Also their relationship has gone from "this is someone I'd like to sleep with" to "I'm having strong feelings for this person" within three weeks, which doesn't help.
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Typical for NRE (New Relationship Energy). Try to not let it frighten you. I know that's easier said than done, but it's really a passing phase.
 
endusal said:
Perhaps also the fact that you're not wholly on board (mind you, I'm saying this as far removed from any sense of blame as possible).
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Thanks. I'm intrigued by this idea of 'not being on board'. Do you mean with her new relationship (where I'm not on board), or the poly-concept in general (where I am on board)?
 
Polyglamorous said:
How healthy was your sex life before poly?
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We do have different sex drives (mine is stronger) but we were both satisfied one way or another, so I would say it was healthy. The big difference is how we view sex. For me sex is an important part of how i express my love/affection/intimacy and maintain a connection within a relationship and for her it is more of a physical desire that is met. But we have been together more than ten years so we have discussed all this and accommodated each other. What I'm worried about is that if her sexual desire is being met elsewhere then my need to express myself and feel that particular closeness/intimacy will not be met, which I fear would gradually push us apart.
 
I guess the best thing would be just talk to her about it. The only insight I can offer is, I had this same issue and I guess I just felt guilty. I felt like because I had been with someone else I was bad even though they knew. The situation was different in the sense that we had never had a healthy sexual relationship but she could still feel that way. So just ask her and voice your concerns.
 
I've experienced this at times, more toward the beginning of my poly journey. It was a weird jumble of mono-centric thinking and other things that I can't quite put into words, but what it boiled down to was that, in the throes of NRE, I felt like I would be cheating on my new partner if I had sex with my husband. It made absolutely no sense, and was a very temporary thing, but it was a thing.
 
Hi HangFire33,

What you are experiencing (your wife feeling weird about sexual intimacy with you) does happen sometimes in poly, and may be just a phase. However, there is no way to be completely sure of that. It's possible that she may end up wanting the new partner for sex, while wanting you for the domestic part of her relationships. I've seen that happen. Hopefully this is just NRE though.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Polyglamorous said:
I had this same issue and I guess I just felt guilty. I felt like because I had been with someone else I was bad even though they knew.
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KC43 said:
I've experienced this at times, more toward the beginning of my poly journey. It was a weird jumble of mono-centric thinking and other things that I can't quite put into words, but what it boiled down to was that, in the throes of NRE, I felt like I would be cheating on my new partner if I had sex with my husband. It made absolutely no sense, and was a very temporary thing, but it was a thing.
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I've had this exact same experience, and for the same reasons Polyglamorous and KC43 mention, above.

In the beginning, I felt like I was "cheating" on each partner whenever I'd have sex with the other, especially if they knew exactly when it was happening.

For this reason, I haven't yet been able to share sex with one partner while the other is in the same house... but having said that, in terms of "real world" poly situations, I'm relatively inexperienced still.

I think for some people this is normal, especially during the NRE phase. If you're very concerned, however, don't wait to see if it'll resolve itself over time - address your worries about your differing needs for intimacy directly and without using judgemental language if possible.
 
I think the sticking point in your situation is the fact that you live in different cities. At least for me, what makes a relationship work is constant contact. Years ago I was in a relationship with a girl who traveled a lot for work. I just couldn't keep up with the relationship. For some, distance becomes an alienating force.

Of course, there's also the new relationship energy factor that others have pointed out. Once that sorts itself out, there can be another issue....you might not have enough energy for multiple partners! For me, being sexually available for five other people has its limiting moments.
 
Thanks for the info/advice, its really helpful to get some unfiltered insights!
Hopefully this is NRE in combination with this being our first 'poly experience'...
 
HangFire33 said:
Hello,
Is it usual to have a reduced sex-drive towards your long term partner when you first have a new partner? My partner and I currently live in different cities and are exploring poly for the first time. I was shocked to visit her and discover that since she has a new lover she "feels weird" being sexually intimate with me. On reflection this sounds reasonable (as it's the first time either of us has had another partner) but I'm worried it's a sign of serial-monogamy on her behalf and not actually a poly-mindset. .
Click to expand...

IMO its not unusal. In fact I think its pretty common just not talked about.

The good news ( if you can call it that ) is that your partner honestly told you the reason for her refusal or avoidance of sex with you. Typically what we see is partner / spouse pile on lots of words about how their love, attraction, view of the relationship hasnt changed and then avoidance/ slow walk/ excuses and or just going through the motions. The reason for this is fairly simple no one wants to freak out a spouse or partner whos already a little freaked out.and trying to get their sea legs. I think this gets even more exacerbated when its the person who pushed to open or pushed for poly. Again during the push all those platitudes are vigorously expressed and then it doesn’t feel that way when something like this happens.

Are you a person that would rather hear/ know the hard truth ??


Lots of people here suggest using the NRE to bring a spark back into the long term relationship. I guess if thats discussed and agreed upon it could work out nicely. From my own experience that wasnt discussed and at that exact moment in time being the penis on call or the bf’s stunt penis seemed less than genuine. On several occasions my wife would be off in another room or perhaps even in the same room with her head in her phone or lap top chatting/ emailing for an hour or more and then finally coming to bed all hot and horny. 3-4 days ago on “our”designated date night it was like being with a nun ....(so right of refusal can cut both ways). Looking back perhaps I was a fool for passing up hot sex for any other reason than having hot sex ....simple as take it when offered who cares the reason or motivation. So having those discussions on using NRE could be really helpful in framing things and getting an understanding.

Is this something you could do ??


Also with honest and frank discussions comes thing you’re not going to want to hear so my advise is be very careful in the questions and topics you ask or want to discuss and also you might want to develop a code word for things that might be personally painful to hear.
Example ...you ask some question and she says I think that’s a code blue area. Now you know the pressing it you’re going to get a knee to the balls. This way you get a tap without the specifics and you have the option of topic for a different day or better mood.
 
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