Flipping the Switch

[calvcall]

Hi,

I'm a Mono man in a newly discovered poly marriage. There was a miscommunication between my wife and I about two months ago when discussing poly, and she got the impression that I had agreed that I was comfortable with her seeing this other person. I felt blindsided and cheated on when I found out that she had in fact actually been dating someone else. She was under the impression that I wanted a don't ask don't tell situation.

We've been discussing the situation ever since and I'm struggling with being comfortable with it, as my background and ideals were built in traditional monogamy.

I feel like our kids and I are taking a back seat to her other relationship and activities.

My wife is going on a cruise with her other partner in a few weeks, and I'm struggling.

How do I become comfortable with the idea of someone else having a romantic relationship with my wife?

How do I flip the switch and be comfortable with Poly?

I feel mislead and unsure of myself, I feel insecure and insufficient.

My wife makes me really happy, but I don't know how to get over this, this is all still fairly new to me, I only found out that she was seeing someone else romantically a couple of weeks ago.

 

[MsEmotional]

I’m going to call BS on his being a “miscommunication” — how exactly did she expect to go on a cruise with her partner if you had a DADT agreement?

I don’t know your wife but it sounds like she heard from you what she wanted to hear and didn’t bother to ask you directly in order to establish clear boundaries. That is a pretty shitty thing to do and I understand why you are feeling betrayed. The fact that she is turning this around and calling it a miscommunication and “oh well, the ship has sailed and I already have this other partner so....” is pretty awful too.

In what ways does it feel like she is prioritizing this other relationship over you and your kids? Was this something you noticed during the cheating/“DADT” phase or has she become bolder about expecting time with her other partner now that the cat is out of the bag?

I ask about the feeling of “taking a back seat” because in some cases, the mere existence of an outside partnership can make it feel like the priorities of the previously-monogamous marriage are “all upside down” and that may be what is going on here. I think it is actually pretty common in the transition from monogamy to consensual non-monogamy. On the other hand, it is kind of a moot point because you never *consented* to this in the first place, so the mere fact that she has chosen to do this despite the fact that you have established that you did NOT consent to it is going to make you feel like you are no longer a priority and that is a reasonable conclusion to draw from this experience.

I’m sorry I don’t have better advice for you. I just wanted to make sure you understand that your feelings are valid.

 

[GalaGirl]

Wow. That's a pretty big misunderstanding.

So many misunderstandings could be nipped in the bud if people learned to say "Ok, let me repeat back what you just said in my own words to make sure I got it right." or "Ok. Please repeat back what I just said in your own words so I know you got it how I meant it."

You could have done that. She could have done that. But neither did in this case.

I guess if I was the wife in these shoes? I would apologize to new dating partner and cancel the cruise because of a pretty huge misunderstanding at home. That I'm not actually in an Open marriage yet.

Then I would apologize to you, and ask to talk with you to get really clear with how the marriage stands.

"Is this an Open marriage or not?"

That has to be answered first. Anything else is jumping the gun.

If you, my husband, is not up for Open marriage, then I have a choice to make.

• Give up the new partner and make repairs to the marriage and def get better about communication.
  
• Or give up the marriage cleanly first, and then pursue poly dating. Because husband wants Closed and I want Open. That's a fundamental incompatibility.

How do I become comfortable with the idea of someone else having a romantic relationship with my wife?

How do I flip the switch and be comfortable with Poly?

Do you even want to participate in a "V" thing? A poly network where your wife has 2 sweeties and she's the shared "hinge" person?

Or do your prefer monogamous relating in your romances? Where it is (you + spouse) and that's it... no other people?

I suggest you do your soul searching and speak your truth. Even if the answer is "Wife, I do not want Open marriage. Not DADT, not at all. I prefer it to be just me and my spouse. If you want something else, then we cannot be spouses any more. We have become incompatible over the years."

Then sort it out from there. Don't bend yourself into pretzels.

I can imagine things are hard though. I'm very sorry for that.

Galagirl

 

[KC43]

I'm sorry to have to say this, but there is no magic "switch" to flip that's going to make you comfortable with polyamory.

On the positive side, it's perfectly okay to feel *un*comfortable with it. As you note, most of us are brought up with a worldview that preaches monogamy--you only have one person forever and ever until death do you part, except for if you break up or cheat on them. (And for whatever reason, in our society divorce/breakups and cheating tend to be more widely accepted than ethical nonmonogamy in which people stay with their partners and everyone's honest about what's going on...)

You have every reason to feel misled. I don't think, from what you say, that your wife intended to deceive you. You and she were just not on the same page about what you were agreeing to. But because you were operating based on what *you* thought the agreements were, in effect you were misled even if that wasn't her intention. On the other hand, in effect *she* was misled, because she was operating based on what *she* thought you had agreed to, even though misleading her wasn't your intention.

The first thing I would recommend for both of you is to work on your communication skills. When you have discussions about this, be VERY clear on what you're saying and asking, and ask enough questions to be VERY clear on what the other person is saying and asking. Poor communication is one of the biggest obstacles to a healthy, positive polyamorous situation.

Feeling unsure and insecure--that, as you seem to recognize, is your baggage to deal with. It isn't up to your wife to make you feel secure. It's inner work that you need to do. Likewise, becoming comfortable with a relationship structure that goes against what you were brought up with is also inner work you need to do. No one can do it for you. That said, though, if there are certain things she's doing or not doing that are adding to your insecurity, it is okay to ask for changes.

It stands out to me particularly that you say you feel like you and the kids are taking a back seat to her other partners and activities. I would strongly suggest you find a time when you and she are both calm and you're feeling positive, and discuss this with her. Say exactly what you've said here: "I see that this is making you happy, but I feel like you're putting your other partner(s) ahead of the kids and me. When you do that, I feel like I'm not enough for you, and it seems unfair to the kids that their mom is putting other people ahead of them. I would like it if you would..."

Fill in the blank with whatever you feel you need to change this. Her spending more time at home? Her being actually focused and engaged with you and the kids when she's with you, rather than texting others? Whatever it is you think will help you to feel more like she still cares about you and the kids, it's okay to ask for. You just need to keep in mind that it's also okay for her to disagree.

It sounds like you're owning your share of the misunderstanding, and you're owning your feelings about the situation, rather than putting it all on your wife. That's a great first step, because it shows that you're self-aware enough to see what you need to work on and to find ways to work on it. It also sounds like you don't want your wife to stop being polyamorous, you just want things to change so that you don't feel like you and the kids are being pushed aside or like she doesn't think you're "enough," and that's pretty awesome of you; you aren't trying to make her change for you, you're trying to find ways to change yourself so you can accept who she is. A lot of people wouldn't be able to do that.

 

[lunabunny]

Hi, calvcall.

Can you clarify exactly how it came about that there was such a gigantic "misunderstanding"? (I'm assuming at some point your wife discussed the possibility of polyamory/non-monogamy and her wish to see other people.) So, in your recollection, what was SAID during that conversation?

I ask, because it's unclear whether this was a genuine case of miscommunication or wishful thinking on the part of your wife... or whether she intentionally rode roughshod over any misgivings and/or objections you had at the time and just did as she wanted anyhow, which would make her behaviour cheating.

In either case, if you DID express discomfort and reservations about her wish to open the marriage and she went ahead anyway - and didn't even give you a heads up when the other relationship began - it's not at all surprising that you'd be feeling betrayed, upset and confused about how to handle the situation.

Please know, you do not HAVE to just "get on board" and try to change your mindset because SHE decided this is something she's going to do, regardless of your feelings. You get to have a say in your own marriage! If you prefer monogamy, you ought to say so - clearly - and preferably before she actually leaves for this cruise she's planned without your prior knowledge. Making arrangements like that without your knowledge/consent - especially when you two have children together - is very disrespectful.

True, she may choose to continue with her other relationship, with or without your consent, and there isn't a lot you can do about that. But if that's the case and you continue to feel very strongly "anti poly" after talking it out further with your wife, and perhaps a counsellor as well, then you may have to decide if this is a relationship you care to remain in.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello calvcall,

I regret to say, that I'm not sure how you can become comfortable with poly, especially if you are hardwired for monogamy. Many people are, you know. And it's not a character failing. Plus there is a question about how your wife is going about it. Are You in Poly Hell?

If you can become comfortable with poly, you'll probably have to do it a little at a time. Keep reading and posting on this forum, and communicate with your wife often. In time, you may come to see poly as just another way of relating.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[calvcall]

Hi,

I'm a Mono man in a newly discovered poly marriage. There was a miscommunication between my wife and I about two months ago when discussing poly, and she got the impression that I had agreed that I was comfortable with her seeing this other person. I felt blindsided and cheated on when I found out that she had in fact actually been dating someone else. She was under the impression that I wanted a don't ask don't tell situation.

We've been discussing the situation ever since and I'm struggling with being comfortable with it, as my background and ideals were built in traditional monogamy.

I feel like our kids and I are taking a back seat to her other relationship and activities.

My wife is going on a cruise with her other partner in a few weeks, and I'm struggling.

How do I become comfortable with the idea of someone else having a romantic relationship with my wife?

How do I flip the switch and be comfortable with Poly?

I feel mislead and unsure of myself, I feel insecure and insufficient.

My wife makes me really happy, but I don't know how to get over this, this is all still fairly new to me, I only found out that she was seeing someone else romantically a couple of weeks ago.

Points to clarify:
My wife has been bringing up Poly for ~2yrs now

My recollection of the conversation where the miscommunication took place: She brought up that her new GF recently broke up with her now ex, she asked if she could go be with her, me not thinking much of that, I assumed she just wanted to go console a friend. So, I said Ok. No other questions or clarifications were made. -- I recognize that I should have asked more questions, and that this isn't solely on her.

In prior conversations with her regarding Poly, I stated that I was uncomfortable with it, but I never said no.

We have been working on our communication skills over the last 2 weeks since I became aware, we attended a Poly Educational Intensive, as put on by SoCal Poly Support group, and we plan on attending their monthly meetings.

I'm not sure where I stand as of yet, in regards if I want an open marriage or not. In the mean time, I'm trying to be comfortable with having/keeping it open for us, so I guess I'm leaning more towards having it be open.

In regards to the cruise -- Its my understanding that the cruise was purchased for my wife's new GF and her ex. Since the tix are already bought and paid for my wife wants to go with her New GF. It took me 2 weeks to be able to let her go on the cruise, am I comfortable with it? No. Do I think my wife loves me and is going to come back? Yes. Am I scared? Yes, extremely, I'm trying to grow and change myself to better our marriage, and I think this is helping.

As for the back-seat, I think MsEmotional hit the nail on the head, where the mere existence of this outside partnership makes me feel like the priorities of the marriage are “all upside down”. -- I feel that the more I talk about it with her, and the more I understand, the more comfortable I'll become with this new lifestyle.

I feel that change is good, it will help strengthen our love for each other and help our marriage grow. Change is often uncomfortable and sometimes more than others, but in the words of Ian Malcolm, "Life finds a way". I feel that we will too, it will just take time.

 

[kdt26417]

You have the right idea. What is uncomfortable today, may be more comfortable tomorrow. Familiarity is the key. Polyamory is very new to you at this time, so it will take awhile for you to get your sea legs.