My Wife Wants to be Polyamorous and I Don't

[Hewittman81]

I'm writing this while very upset/disappointed, so please excuse me if it's scatterbrained.

My wife and I have been married for 5 years and together for 9, and have a young son together. A little over a year ago, we opened up our marriage in hopes of re-igniting our sex life. Since then, we've done almost exclusively swinger things and a few travel flings that ended immediately upon returning home. This limited lifestyle was not by accident, as those were the guidelines we had set for ourselves.

In the past month or so, my wife started talking to a co-worker and the two have since become physically active (no penetration yet, but oral) and very connected emotionally. One of the reasons we decided to swing, was because it allowed us to be satisfied sexually without getting emotionally involved with other people. Now my wife wants to establish an ongoing relationship with this coworker, because, as she told me, there is no spark in our marriage, and although the swinger lifestyle is fun for her, it does not fill her emotional void.

So I'm not really comfortable with this at all, but I essentially gave her my blessing. Now the two have continued the relationship, but my wife is lying about it alot now. She lies about seeing him (where and how often) and she lies about the extent of there relationship (both physically and emotionally). I know, because her stories weren't making sense, which caused me to look at her text messages to him (I KNEW something wasn't right). We've had major trust issues in the past because of her lies, which is why this is so difficult for me (aside from the jealousy, which I assume is normal).

Now I caught her lying again about her location and who she was with again (she was with coworker - google maps timeline picked it up), and I told her that she needs to stop seeing him and that we need to work on our trust issues if we're going to try and maintain this kind of relationship. She essentially blew me off, did not take the situation seriously, and continued to see him the very same day I caught her while lying to me about it. It feels as if she doesn't care about me or the marriage much at all.

This is breaking me. I feel like I've lost my wife...physically, but mainly emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. We almost divorced before (primarily due to the stress of raising an infant), but up until her getting involved with her coworker, our marriage has felt very healthy and happy, and I feel more in love and emotionally invested in her than I ever have before. I'm not sure what to do. Any thoughts/advice would be much appreciated.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you are upset and struggling.

So I'm not really comfortable with this at all, but I essentially gave her my blessing.

Why would you do that? Consent to participate in a relationship model you don't actually want to be in?

Rather than being honest and true to your own values and saying "No, thanks. That's not for me."

And then sorting it out from there?

We've had major trust issues in the past because of her lies, which is why this is so difficult for me.

So it's more about her lying to you than her having a BF? How was the past lying resolved? Why is it back?

I told her that she needs to stop seeing him and that we need to work on our trust issues if we're going to try and maintain this kind of relationship.

Why? Wouldn't it be more direct to say "Wife, if we are going to maintain ANY relationship together, you need to stop lying to me. It damages trust. I cannot have confidence in you being a person of your Word. What do you get out of doing that? What do you need to become more truthful? How can I help?"

Because it isn't about the BF or about poly. It sounds like these problems where there when it was just you two.

This is breaking me. I feel like I've lost my wife...physically, but mainly emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.

It is possible. Marriage vows that end with "til death to us part" because one of the partners dies? That is one kind of end. Marriage vows can also undergo a spiritual death. The people grow apart, not longer have anything in common, etc.

It's ok to be in mourning if that is indeed what is happening here -- the death of the union. The last loving act you do together is to disband the marriage peacefully and respectfully.

She essentially blew me off, did not take the situation seriously, and continued to see him the very same day I caught her while lying to me about it. It feels as if she doesn't care about me or the marriage much at all.

If that is true, then perhaps the lying is not the first problem to address. You could ask if she still wants to be married. You could ask her if she's looking for a "soft exit." Like not wanting to be alone/single if she broke up with you first. So she's busy lining up a BF first and then going for divorce.

Not esp forthright, but I've seen other people do that. Try to use "poly" as "soft exit." When really it's faster and kinder to just plain exit and not go the long way around.

I've also seen them stay in ill fitting marriages because they don't want to be alone and HAVEN'T found someone else.

Seems easier to me to face it head on and go for the divorce than drag it out circling the drain.

We almost divorced before (primarily due to the stress of raising an infant)

What happened to halt previous divorce proceedings? Have the old problems never been solved and they are just back again?

I'm not sure what to do. Any thoughts/advice would be much appreciated

I think you could try to do some super honest soul searching on your own. Cuz maybe YOU don't want to stay married to a chronic liar spouse. None of this sounds NEW new. It sounds like Olds rearing back up again. Like merry-go-round same ol' song, different day.

You could also have some super honest conversations with wife. Is she still in the marriage or not? Because if it is dying on the vine for her, you cannot MAKE her stay or be interested in you romantically if she just isn't. It sucks, but better you guys decide to part ways as peacefully and quickly as possible than drag out. Because you still have to coparent, and an ugly divorce makes coparenting later difficult.

If she's still in the marriage, then you have to address HOW she participates in this marriage then. Because maybe YOU are not in the marriage if these lying behaviors go unchanged.

Address the LYING problem. That's been there before the BF. It's not the BF causing it.

• So if y'all want to do poly, asking her to get rid of the BF doesn't solve the core issue -- lies.
• If you decide to quit poly and Close -- that does solve the core issue. Lies.

So get on to the core issue. Don't blame the BF existing for HER poor behavior.

Instead ask her to step it up on the honesty and accountability. What does she need to become more WILLING to be truthful? What does she need to become more ABLE to be truthful?

Or is she one of those people who likes "danger of being caught" and that's why she lies? She gets off on the "thrill?"

If she can't be truthful and trustworthy enough for you? You could let the marriage go. Just be coparents. Divorce with regrets, but let it go all the same. Because this is not the kind of marriage YOU want to participate in. Who would want to sign up or continue in a "lack of trust" marriage? How's that awesome or fun?

No point in beating your head on the wall over it.

If she cannot stop lying and being near that behavior keeps on dinging you? Then it's on you to put some distance between you and her behavior so you become un-dingable. You don't have to keep yourself in the hit zone.

Like if I flail around and you stand right next to me and get smacked? And I'm not gonna stop my flailing behavior? Then you take a few steps back, right? Put some distance between us. To avoid getting smacked. Then whether I stop or not? You at least, are un-smackable.

I am very sorry you deal in this though. I encourage you to sort it out. Do the soul searching you need to do and then the conversations you need to do with Wife.

Galagirl

 

[vinsanity0]

You think your marriage was happy and healthy because you were avoiding addressing the problems. Now that she is seeing someone else those problems are apparent. Adding people is not going to make your marriage better.

I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news but you have already lost your wife. Now she is lying and cheating and seems oblivious to your needs.

 

[KC43]

It sounds to me like there are trust issues on both sides. She's lying to you--but you only know that because you went behind her back and snooped through her phone. What were you hoping to gain by doing that rather than asking her point blank about your suspicions? How does violating her privacy in that way help to resolve or address the issues in the marriage?

 

[kdt26417]

Re (from Hewittman81):

"I told her that she needs to stop seeing him and that we need to work on our trust issues if we're going to try and maintain this kind of relationship. She essentially blew me off, did not take the situation seriously, and continued to see him the very same day I caught her while lying to me about it. It feels as if she doesn't care about me or the marriage much at all."

I wish I knew what you could say or do to convince her to start to care about you and the marriage. Or maybe she does care, she just doesn't know how to communicate that fact. And you would like her to improve in that area, you would like her to show you that she cares. You don't want to divorce, because you care about her, you care about the marriage. You want to save it, you don't want to throw it away. I'm so sorry, that does not seem to be working out. If she would even show you a little appreciation, that would help. You're trying to save the marriage ... but she doesn't seem to care.

She seems to be determined to continue seeing him with or without your consent. You have to decide what to do if she continues to see him without your consent. Not an easy decision. I just hope the posts in this thread ease the way a little.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[powerpuffgrl1969]

It sounds to me like there are trust issues on both sides. She's lying to you--but you only know that because you went behind her back and snooped through her phone. What were you hoping to gain by doing that rather than asking her point blank about your suspicions? How does violating her privacy in that way help to resolve or address the issues in the marriage?

Well, she had already demonstrated that she was lying to him. No, snooping isn't a good thing, but I can see why he would start to feel unhinged, knowing she was lying, but not having the proof.

There is nothing worse than knowing that something is a lie, but having your loved one try to tell you over and over that it's all in your head. It's so cruel.

 

[GalaGirl]

It sounds to me like there are trust issues on both sides. She's lying to you--but you only know that because you went behind her back and snooped through her phone. What were you hoping to gain by doing that rather than asking her point blank about your suspicions?

Since there's been a history of past lies? Asking her point blank is may be more lies or gaslighting.

Perhaps peeking in the phone was done hoping to gain knowledge about what is ACTUALLY happening before asking. Is snooping ok? No.

But I get why people who have been provoked and are in distress from a lot of mind games might do it. If they plan to talk to the person, they want to know what is actually going on so they don't get snowed by some new tale.

How does violating her privacy in that way help to resolve or address the issues in the marriage?

It allows them to ask their partner point blank what they going to do about the lying behavior from a place of information. Because if the partner starts in on a new tale while the OP knows it is NOT true because phone evidence says something else?

The OP does not have to fight or argue with them. They can simply move on to make a decision WITHOUT going for another spin of crazymaking. Here is a NEW baldfaced lie. They can see the partner plans to keep ON lying. They can expect there will be no changes.

It helps the OP decide if they have hit their limit of tolerance for this behavior and if they are ready to walk away because its been one too many lies now. It helps them to decide to step off the merry-go-round because it's "same old song, different day" here.

They can choose to walk away, and then they don't have to experience any more provoking behavior like chronic lies/gaslighting.

Galagirl

 

[lunabunny]

No, snooping isn't a good thing, but I can see why he would start to feel unhinged, knowing she was lying, but not having the proof.

There is nothing worse than knowing that something is a lie, but having your loved one try to tell you over and over that it's all in your head. It's so cruel.

Having dealt with this behaviour first-hand, I can attest to the truth of how the lying/denial cycle can make the "innocent" party feel as if they're losing their mind.

I personally didn't snoop to gain the proof, and don't know what I'd have done had I had to opportunity. My partner eventually admitted to his deception, but the trust between us was damaged almost beyond salvation.

My wife and I have been married for 5 years and together for 9, and have a young son together.

she told me, there is no spark in our marriage

We've had major trust issues in the past because of her lies

We almost divorced before (primarily due to the stress of raising an infant)

but up until her getting involved with her coworker, our marriage has felt very healthy and happy

Hewittman, can you see how the above statements are quite contradictory?

You SAY that up until the boyfriend entered the picture, the marriage felt "very healthy and happy"...

YET you've only been married FIVE years, and during that time have already contemplated divorcing once before... and started swinging because your sex-life was lacking and your wife doesn't feel "any spark" between you anymore. She also feels there is an emotional void.

On top of that, you also state that she has a history of lying and deception.

So explain what part of any of that spells "healthy and happy"?

I feel badly for you, because it seems you do not feel the same way as your wife about the marriage (i.e. she feels empty and needs something else emotionally, while you claim to be fully invested and in love with her.)

However, I believe you've been in some sort of denial about the health of your marriage up until recently. Just judging by your own statements, quoted above, it appears your marriage has been troubled for some time, and you were not reading the signs or didn't want to believe them.

It feels as if she doesn't care about me or the marriage much at all.

I feel like I've lost my wife...physically, but mainly emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.

I agree with the others that your first priority needs to be straight-talking communication - i.e. actually ASK your wife outright if she still loves you, is attracted to you, and if she's still invested in the marriage.

If her answer is no, believe her. It will hurt, but that will be your cue to end the marriage as peaceably as you can manage between you, for the sake of your child and your on-going responsibility as co-parents.

If she hesitates when you ask if she still loves you and wants to be married, and/or has a long list of excuses for her recent behaviour, tries to blame-shift onto you... she's either:

- Genuinely unsure and confused about her feelings for you. In which case, open discussion and counselling with a couples counsellor or sex therapist may help shed some light on the issue and how to improve the marriage.

- Trying to fabricate some plausible reason to stay married to you, despite no longer really being into you, while remaining with this other guy.

Why would someone do this? Perhaps she doesn't want to divorce "for the sake of the child"... or because of judgement from others such as parents... or because she still loves/likes you in a more platonic fashion and the life you've built together... or she enjoys what you provide in terms of a stable home life, financial support etc.

- Is looking for a "soft exit" out of the marriage, but hasn't yet decided whether to stay or go, or if this co-worker is going to be able to provide her with the things she really needs/wants (emotional connection, a "spark", commitment in a new mono relationship etc.)

 

[Hewittman81]

Thank you all for your candid responses and thoughtful insights. My wife and I have had several discussions since my original post and she genuinely seems apologetic and says that she wants our marriage to work. We start counseling next week and I hope that we can look inside ourselves and begin to resolve our core issues so that we can grow as a couple. Thank you guys again as your feedback has been very helpful.

 

[GalaGirl]

Glad it was helpful.

My wife and I have had several discussions since my original post and she genuinely seems apologetic and says that she wants our marriage to work. We start counseling next week and I hope that we can look inside ourselves and begin to resolve our core issues so that we can grow as a couple.

Glad to hear this. Maybe wife needed the wake up call that this is SERIOUS stuff?

I hope in counseling you guys begin to turn it around.

If not? I encourage you to do your soul searching to decide where your limit of tolerance is on the chronic lying. It is not kind or loving behavior toward you.

Galagirl