Not Rushing (aka: Help a Bicurious Girl Navigate Her First Date with a Woman!)

M

MsEmotional

Member
Okay, so I haven't really been on OKC lately because things are going relatively well with Whiskers and I'm just not all that interested in juggling multiple potentials.

But then recently I checked it and a woman who I had been messaging with before (like a month or two ago when I was on OKC before I went off of it, a woman who had seemed like she was interested but always seemed to disappear when I would mention the possibility of meeting in person) had suddenly asked me out. This woman is pretty much the only other person I was actively hoping to get to meet in person, so I was pretty psyched!

We set a date for tonight and then exchanged numbers and then started texting. Okay, all is awesome, right?

I'm kind of in a bit of a panic, though. The nature of our text messages is really different now. First of all, she asked me a lot of questions about my other relationships and my availability for a relationship. Second, she just got out of a messy relationship. And when I say just got out, I mean just got out because...... Third, I figured out through context that she had ended this messy relationship and then asked me out that same night. And fourth, she pointedly asked me if a kiss was on the table and we haven't even met yet.

So I really liked her a lot when we chatted a month or two ago. And I was really hoping that I would get to go out with her. And, yes, I was kind of hoping things might go well and maybe I would get a chance to kiss her. But now I'm feeling kind of overwhelmed. Before we talked about common interests. Now yesterday? We talked about relationships, partners, and her crazy ex-girlfriend. And I'm feeling like maybe I am being expected to fill a role left empty when she broke up with her girlfriend?

I know, I know, for those of you who know my story, this probably sounds very ironic....because I promptly went back on OKC and scheduled a date with Whiskers less than a week after things blew up with Laptop and I was worried that I was just dealing with my heartbreak by replacing him. But I do have the where-with-all to be aware of that and to consciously not rush things with him. This is a little different because my date is scheduled with this woman for like 72 hours after her 3-year relationship ended. Am I crazy to be a little terrified? Especially when I think about how I would feel if this were a guy who was coming on strong with me....In fact, if a guy I hadn't met in person was setting up an expectation that if things go well on the first date we are going to get physical? I'd probably feel kind of unsafe about the whole situation.

But I like her! Or at least I thought I did? Now I'm too nervous to tell....

Oh yeah. And I've never been with a woman. At all. I have no idea what I'm doing!

I don't even know what my question is. I'm mostly just really anxious because I liked her a lot and I still really want to meet her but now I feel really panicky. I'm trying to rehearse in my head some ways of saying, "Let's slow down," if I get uncomfortable while we are actually on the date. But setting boundaries is already something I struggle with, so.....I feel like I need some help!
 
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Hi MsE,

My initial thoughts are, go ahead and go out with this lady, just let her know that you are feeling nervous, and just want a little kiss maybe, not a lot physical all at once. And you can kind of play it by ear, one step at a time. Who knows? Maybe she will feel a lot the same way you do. It's possible.

I'm kind of excited for you to have this experience with a woman. I know it's not as simple as that, but I am hopeful that things will turn out well. Remember she may be nervous too!

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I guess it depends on how much importance you place on a kiss. To me it's just a kiss, but if a person doesn't kiss well it's a huge turn off. In the end it's just one date. Go for it.
 
vinsanity0 said:
I guess it depends on how much importance you place on a kiss. To me it's just a kiss, but if a person doesn't kiss well it's a huge turn off. In the end it's just one date. Go for it.
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I probably put more importance on it than a lot of people, and it is important for me to remember that not everyone considers kissing as intimate of an activity as I do.

But your second point gives me something else to fret about:WHAT IF I AM A TERRIBLE KISSER? I don’t know how to kiss a lady! Where do I put my hands? What if I go to touch her shoulder and grab her boob by accident?!?!?! Also, I never use tongue when I kiss someone — especially for the first time — but men always seem to use it on me and in the early stages of getting used to kissing each other they ask me why I don’t use tongue on them and I’m like, “ewww...why would I?” Do people not enjoy regular kissing without tongues? Is this a requirement for a good kiss? Have I just lucked out in finding partners who get used to and tolerate my lack of tongue when kissing them, but really I am turning people off with my lack of Frenching interest/skills?
 
Maybe the thing to do is to forewarn her. "I should let you know, I never use tongue when I kiss someone." Something like that.
 
Well, the good news is that we actually had a lot of chemistry and I didn’t get any kind of creepy vibe from her. The first part of the date was actually really fun.

The bad news is that the red flags that I was worried about with her situation (recently ending a lengthy relationship with a manipulative person, etc) only intensified while in the date. So much drama. Much more than I had initially heard about. The heartbreaking thing is that she could tell that she was scaring me off and still wasn’t able to stop herself from doing it. On the one hand, I wish all the drama talk hadn’t ruined the date.....on the other hand I am grateful for the information that I needed in order to determine that this wasn’t a good fit.

At the end of the evening, though, she commented that she wanted to kiss me but that she thought she had scared me off. It actually was really nice to Have the opening to be really honest and to tell her that, well, yes she had, and that she probably needed some more time to work through everything that was going on before dating someone new. She understood and I gave her a hug.

So I walked away from my opportunity to kiss a girl....but even though I would have liked to have kissed her, I’m really glad I didn’t fuck with her head at a time when she is already pretty emotionally fragile.
 
Well, it sounds like the date was perfect - you enjoyed yourself and you learned what you need to know about her at this time.

Just one BTW comment:

Everyone I've ever heard mention the subject considers kissing to be one of the most intimate exchanges between people. My experience is that kissing is portrayed as casual in the media, but full on mouth kissing in real life is intense and intimate for most people - often much more so than intercourse. So you're definitely not alone there.
 
I am one of those people who consider deep kissing to be very intimate. I'm not talking a peck or casual closed/open-mouthed kiss... but French kissing, most definitely intimate.

I wouldn't worry too much about the "hows" of making out with a woman. In my, albeit limited, experience, kissing a woman really isn't much different to kissing a man. Slight qualitative difference maybe. Often softer, more gentle... less stubbly. ;)

To answer your question: I've never really thought about the tongue aspect... I've always just assumed that people who are in an intimate/sexual relationship tend to (want to) kiss with tongue - if not each and every time - particularly during the NRE phase. It just comes naturally to me, that desire.

I've only had sex with one woman and kissed two, but even the sex seemed quite natural... after all "we" know what we like, so although everyone is different, it's pretty easy to figure out what another woman *might* enjoy and take it from there.

I'm sorry that this "potential person" didn't work out the way you'd hoped, although it sounds like the date went well enough. Perhaps friendship could be on the cards, at least to begin with (?)
 
lunabunny said:
I'm sorry that this "potential person" didn't work out the way you'd hoped, although it sounds like the date went well enough. Perhaps friendship could be on the cards, at least to begin with (?)
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Perhaps, but we really did have a lot of chemistry and I think being just friends without wanting something more would be tough. She seemed really smitten with me (I’m not being egotistical here and I know I’m not all that — it was likely due in part or in whole to her emotional vulnerability). And the red flags in her situation aren’t really things that are going away — unless a lot of stuff changes....I just know that developing a relationship with her later would be a bad idea for me. I left the door open for friendship but honestly I think it is probably better if we part ways. I don’t want to lead her on or make her pine. And I don’t want to fall for her and get sucked into the drama.
 
FallenAngelina said:
Well, it sounds like the date was perfect - you enjoyed yourself and you learned what you need to know about her at this time.

Just one BTW comment:

Everyone I've ever heard mention the subject considers kissing to be one of the most intimate exchanges between people. My experience is that kissing is portrayed as casual in the media, but full on mouth kissing in real life is intense and intimate for most people - often much more so than intercourse. So you're definitely not alone there.
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What she said.

Oh, and for what it is worth, I'd encourage you, MsE, to be open minded about the possibility of exploring open mouthed kissing with tongue. It may be a turn off for you now, but you may eventually find it incredibly ... well, yummy. I certainly do.
 
MsEmotional said:
Perhaps, but we really did have a lot of chemistry and I think being just friends without wanting something more would be tough. She seemed really smitten with me (I’m not being egotistical here and I know I’m not all that — it was likely due in part or in whole to her emotional vulnerability). And the red flags in her situation aren’t really things that are going away — unless a lot of stuff changes....I just know that developing a relationship with her later would be a bad idea for me. I left the door open for friendship but honestly I think it is probably better if we part ways. I don’t want to lead her on or make her pine. And I don’t want to fall for her and get sucked into the drama.
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Eventually, those of us who have (or have had) a predisposition to jump from one loverly relatinship into another without a pause ..., in order to fill some "hole" in our lives, get over it. What appeared as a lack or a hole turns out just to be the sheer openness of aliveness -- which is what we love so much about love, anyway. We figure this out with time and experience.

She sounds like a terrific person. If I were you, I'd check in with her in a few months and arrange for a casual, platonic get together. She may have gotten over it by then.
 
River said:
What she said.

Oh, and for what it is worth, I'd encourage you, MsE, to be open minded about the possibility of exploring open mouthed kissing with tongue. It may be a turn off for you now, but you may eventually find it incredibly ... well, yummy. I certainly do.
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I have explored it — I use a little tongue here and there because I know it pleases the other person and I allow them to put their tongue in my mouth. I just don’t enjoy it enough to do it reflexively.
 
River said:
Eventually, those of us who have (or have had) a predisposition to jump from one loverly relatinship into another without a pause ..., in order to fill some "hole" in our lives, get over it. What appeared as a lack or a hole turns out just to be the sheer openness of aliveness -- which is what we love so much about love, anyway. We figure this out with time and experience.

She sounds like a terrific person. If I were you, I'd check in with her in a few months and arrange for a casual, platonic get together. She may have gotten over it by then.
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I might do that. It’s just that the recent breakup was only one part of the drama — there is a lot of drama and ongoing stuff with her wife that isn’t going away.
 
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