friends turning lovers - need advice

P

polyboo

New member
I recently took a week long vacation to see a very good friend of mine, we'll call him Bob. We've had a relationship that has always walked a fine line between romantic and friendship. Because I'm married and Bob is a guy with loads of integrity he was very careful about not crossing any lines. However, during my trip I came out to him as poly and as we spent the rest of our weekend together we found ourselves fostering a romantic relationship. I slept in his bed, we expressed our love for each other and showed each other some mild physical affection (cuddling, kissing).

All so cute, right?

Time for the DRAMA. He told me he's starting to see someone else and that our time together made him see how much he wants to be with her (I think at least partly because she offers some things he really wants, like children and more time). I got him thinking about polyamory and spent a lot of time answering questions and gave him some things to read. He's expressed to me that he ideally wants a poly relationship with me and this other woman, and it's clearly not just because he doesn't want to choose. I can tell he's deep in NRE with this other woman, a long time friend of his (call her Amanda), who is currently also going through a divorce and leaving an emotionally abusive relationship. He's talked to her about our relationship (I haven't heard anything about that conversation yet). Based on some things Bob said, (eg It's ok if she's using me as a rebound) I'm worried that Bob and Amanda's relationship might not be the healthiest one, but that he can't internalize it through the NRE goggles. I've expressed that to him and I think a small part of him might believe so, but...NRE. Even if it is a healthy relationship, having been a victim of emotional abuse I know that, at least initially, you can need a lot of extra care from your partner...and, having done so to my husband, I know that having someone come to you with the idea of being in a poly relationship is a huge thing to deal with. I want to be patient, compassionate, and supportive of everyone involved, but it's hard for me to know how to balance that with my need to feel loved and acknowledged (especially in a LDR) while also playing poly spirit-guide. HALP :confused:
 
Last edited:
I'm sorry you are struggling.

I mean this kindly ok? :eek:

I wonder if maybe you too have your own NRE goggles?

Because if Bob's a poly newbie...and he's got NRE for the divorcing woman trying to leave emotional abuse... and he says things like he's ok if she uses him for a rebound affair and that bothers you... and you are worried how much time he will have for you if he's attending to emotional abuse partner, and know you want to go easy on your spouse as you branch off your own poly network people... and you are calling all this drama?

Maybe Bob isn't the best guy to be dating right now? :confused:

I want to be patient, compassionate, and supportive of everyone involved.
Click to expand...

Could consider not dating Bob at this time. Support from the sidelines like "Hope things go ok for you, Bob!"

And you be patient, compassionate and supportive of YOU and step away from drama.

but it's hard for me to know how to balance that with my need to feel loved and acknowledged (especially in a LDR) while also playing poly spirit-guide.
Click to expand...

You can meet your need to be loved and acknowledged where you are right now. If you need to show self love by stepping clear of drama? Do it. If you need to acknowledge that this is rough? Do it.

If you stop dating Bob? You no longer have to deal in LDR. You have no drama. You also don't have to be his poly spirit guide past pointing him to some links and wishing him well. It's not like you ALSO have to be dating him and personally escort him thru his first poly dating attempts.

Then the balance issues kinda sort themselves out, right?

Sometimes we meet people, maybe even right people. But we don't meet them at the right time. This one? Might be one of those "so close... but wrong timing."

Galagirl
 
Well... it happens. :eek:

Glad you took it in the spirit intended.

Sounds like it's just the wrong timing here with all this stuff.

Galagirl
 
Hello polyboo,

Can I ask, do you feel loved and acknowledged by Bob? If not, have you told him? What do you need him to do? Do you need him to break up with Amanda? What would that do for you? Are there other ways you can meet that need?

Put yourself in Bob's shoes, would you want to break up with Amanda? What does he see in her? Does she have qualities that he values and admires? What does his relationship with her do for him? Are there other ways he can gain those benefits?

What about Amanda, what does she need at this time? Would she be hurt if Bob broke up with her? How would that affect her, would she still be able to get out of the abusive relationship?

Just some things to think about.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hello polyboo,

Can I ask, do you feel loved and acknowledged by Bob? If not, have you told him? What do you need him to do? Do you need him to break up with Amanda? What would that do for you? Are there other ways you can meet that need?
Click to expand...

I did. And I do, though now that I'm much farther away that's harder for me. I don't need a lot of time to think on things, he does. I'm also a hardcore extrovert and daily checking in during confusing times helps me process and feel valued...he's an introvert and needs time alone to process and I'm trying to respect that and not ask for too much at the moment. I certainly don't need him to break up with her! That would do nothing for me, and would make him sad. Definitely not something I would ask for.

kdt26417 said:
What about Amanda, what does she need at this time? Would she be hurt if Bob broke up with her? How would that affect her, would she still be able to get out of the abusive relationship?
Click to expand...

I think this is what's bugging me the most. I don't know her at all. We've never spoken and I haven't really been told much about her or their relationship other than very broad strokes. I don't know what she needs or what she wants. Because of all this uncertainty my irrational side is kind of running wild imagining all kinds of possibilities, and obviously a lot of them are ridiculous. One very real possibility though is that she isn't remotely interested in being in a poly relationship, in which case he would very likely choose to pursue a monogamous relationship with her. And if that's the case, I can totally handle that and would still be very close friends with Bob, I just kind of want that band-aid ripped off and I'd hope he was doing that because it's what he really wanted and not just because he felt like he didn't have a choice. I've been taking care of myself and my relationship with my husband and my friends to "get my mind of things" while I wait for him to be ready to talk. And he's been sweet in the meantime talking about unrelated things, and that really helps me not feel like he just doesn't care. But I don't know how long to wait before I go..."Hey, so when are we going to talk about the elephant in the room?"
 
I'm also a hardcore extrovert and daily checking in during confusing times helps me process and feel valued...he's an introvert and needs time alone to process
Click to expand...

That might work ok for a friendship, but in a romance such different styles could be stressy/incompatible.

One very real possibility though is that she isn't remotely interested in being in a poly relationship, in which case he would very likely choose to pursue a monogamous relationship with her. And if that's the case, I can totally handle that and would still be very close friends with Bob, I just kind of want that band-aid ripped off
Click to expand...

Sometimes a newbie potential hinge (in this case Bob) witters around "trying not to hurt anyone" and really it just ends up worse. Like dragging things out rather than just make a firm decision to ask the things that need asking so people can answer and then move on. Is that happening here? :confused:

If so? And you do not enjoy "up in the air" for too long? Remember YOU could make a decision. YOU could rip it off yourself. Then YOU don't have to be "up in the air."

And he's been sweet in the meantime talking about unrelated things, and that really helps me not feel like he just doesn't care. But I don't know how long to wait before I go..."Hey, so when are we going to talk about the elephant in the room?"
Click to expand...

I'd give it a week of giving him space.

You can say "Hi. I wanted to respect that you are an introvert and and need time alone to process. I've honored your need by giving a week. Now I need to honor my need to have things sorted more firmly. I don't want to grow some weird elephant in the room postponing forever or leaving things "up in the air."

I'm not hearing a "joyous yes" so let's just call it a "not at this time." It was a fun week together, lots of potential and chemistry... but no. Not quite the right time for developing more. Maybe right people, but not right timing. Esp since you need space to sort things out with Amanda.

Let's call it some lovely, meaningful shared moments. And leave it there. Continue to be friends."

Then you can give yourself the closure you seem to need on this one. And YOU at least can move on. Whatever else is unfolding in the (bob + amanda) dyad part of it.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
I would not overthink it, I would just ask. He can't know your imagination is running wild, and as far as I understand, he hasn't specifically asked you for space, you're just guessing.

"Hey, I'm feeling unsure on where we stand, I know that you had a talk with Amanda, I'm curious and all the possibilities are running through my head. Would you be willing to give me some info on how it's going, or do you need more time and space to process?"
 
Update:

We spoke tonight. Long story short, Bob is stupid amazing. I suggested and he agreed that he should take a step back from everyone, take care of himself for a bit, and figure out his own needs and wants.

One thing I'd kind of like your guy's input on: He told me that Amanda did react pretty much as expected, she's not willing to share, certainly not now, if ever. I told him that it's awesome if he wants to eventually pursue a relationship with her, but that before he does so it would really be best for both of them to figure out now, given that he's having kind of a poly identity crisis, where he stands. As a poly person who realized it only after being married to a mono for years...ya'll know this...if you have the opportunity to figure that out before hand it'll save everyone a hell of a lot of heartache.

One question he had for me that I really didn't know how to answer well was, "How do you figure that out?"

So I guess, how did ya'll figure that out? Do you have any good resources I can point him to that you think would help?
 
I suggested and he agreed that he should take a step back from everyone, take care of himself for a bit, and figure out his own needs and wants.
Click to expand...

I think that would be good for Bob.

As a poly person who realized it only after being married to a mono for years...ya'll know this...if you have the opportunity to figure that out before hand it'll save everyone a hell of a lot of heartache.
Click to expand...

Yup.

One question he had for me that I really didn't know how to answer well was, "How do you figure that out?"
Click to expand...

I was a teen when I decided I wasn't all that into conventional marriage. I knew it on the inside. And from observing the relationships around me.

Through dating multiple people in my teens and 20s I confirmed it. I really did not want it. I didn't mind small/Closed. I DID mind pretending to be something I am not or keeping my poly thoughts/feelings under wraps. I wanted the people who loved me to love ALL of me. And if they couldn't? Then we were not compatible.

I figured out to say "I don't want to go steady or be exclusive." At that time I did not have the word "polyamory." Some guys I dated were surprised and tried to "win me over" and convince me to go steady. Some guys I dated were surprised that I didn't want to sleep with them because surely "poly" means "slut."

I think Bob could spend some time alone to figure out what he THINKS he wants. Work on his intrapersonal skills.

Then try it on -- date that way and form some relationships with people who want same and see where it goes. Work on his interpersonal skills. He will come to know if poly dating is working for him or not. What open models appeal or not.

He could read in the meanwhile. Lots of info online and certainly books.


He could do some worksheets


Galagirl
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top