very confused

Thats funny! I gotta try to remember that!
Just another day in paradise for me. Not much happening, just alot of unanswered questions. I am to the point now that i just want K to leave. I know, sounds terrible, but I'm tired of the not knowing and the behind the back shit. Also, lol, never did get a response from H on the FB friendship thing. I figured him for a coward anyways. He left K 21 years ago and I think he'll do it again. Sucks for her! K thinks that if(when) she leaves she can always come home to me. At this moment my answer would be NO!
I actually text with my high school sweetie today, we are starting slow and meeting each other again. Its been along time since we have been around each other and alot has changed. So we will be friends first and see if it goes beyond. Not sure I want it to go past the friendship stage, she's still married, and I dont want to cause any problems or influence anybody in a negative way.
I'm just gonna focus on my new career and my kids for now. Try to make this as easy for them as possible.
 
racer812 said:
Thats funny! I gotta try to remember that!
Just another day in paradise for me. Not much happening, just alot of unanswered questions. I am to the point now that i just want K to leave. I know, sounds terrible, but I'm tired of the not knowing and the behind the back shit.
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No, that's not odd at all.

What you've been going through looks like something I call "death by a thousand hesitation cuts".

You know K is going to leave. K knows K is going to leave. No matter how nice she is to you, you both know she is going to be leaving.

After awhile it is more merciful to just end it.
 
I totally agree! Why not just end it? My answer is.......I can't. I know she is unhappy and I accept that she will leave, but I won't be the reason. If I tell K to get out or leave or what ever, that will be her excuse to use. If she leaves I want it to be by her choice, not me being "the bad guy" and easing her guilt. She is carrying alot of guilt because she has no real reason for leaving me, so if I become the bad guy, I'm her reason. Sorry! Not gonna happen! I'm not the bad guy here. I will admit that the problem is ours and not hers alone. I will admit that I have tried to make it better for her, even trying to accept an ex bf that was forced down my throat. I also will admit that I sometimes have a hard time getting my meaning across like I want. I just want people who read this to know that, it takes two. Two people to make or break a relationship. Everybody that reads this is only seeing half the story. I have suggested to K that she get on this forum because of the great people and wealth of knowledge. Still dont thing she has even logged on once, her lose.
 
racer812 said:
I totally agree! Why not just end it? My answer is.......I can't. I know she is unhappy and I accept that she will leave, but I won't be the reason. If I tell K to get out or leave or what ever, that will be her excuse to use. .
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So you would rather both of you be miserable together? You could always "man up" and do the right thing. You see the writing on the wall, no reason you can't get it done with and stop all of this

Two people to make or break a relationship
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Thats correct but missing the third part...

Two people to make or break a relationship, and only one to end it...

Do yourself a favour end it, and start healing. Instead of protecting your own honour it sounds more like you are dependent on the existing situation regardless of how bad.
 
I respectfully suggest that you are making this decision based on pride, not self-preservation. Why are you ceding your life to this, when you know the relationship will not last? How does the decision to not be "the bad guy" serve her? More importantly, how does it serve you?
 
I am totally co dependent. I have been with this woman for almost 20 years! Maybe thats our problem, we are both co dependent. I also want to state that K is the one choosing to end what we have, not me. I would much rather repair what is damaged, go to counseling, hell, I'm even willing to go to church if that would fix the problem. But she doesn't want to do any of that. I'm just a friend with benefits to her. I'm just the one she settled for when H left her standing there and ran away from his problems. I have never ran away from K and I never will. I wont run away from the problem, never have, I prefer to face my problems and resolve them. Thats just me though and I realize that not everybody is like me. I guess I should just get the inevitable over with, start the rebuilding. I think its time to talk to K tonite.
 
racer812 said:
I am totally co dependent. I have been with this woman for almost 20 years! Maybe thats our problem, we are both co dependent. I also want to state that K is the one choosing to end what we have, not me.
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Ok...then maybe you need to start figuring out how not to be? Co dependency is a massive amount of strain on a relationship. Once step to possibly repairing, since you are deadset against anything else, is to stop the dependency.

do you have things outside of the relationship? Friends, hobbies...things to do that are not part of being a married couple? Not part of the stress...

Couples counselling would help with this I would think. But you could seek counselling on your own to stop the unhealthy habit of co-dependency :)

Good luck
 
Well, had a nice weekend. Had a nice long talk with K. She is gonna stay with me until the benefits kick in on my new career. Meanwhile she is looking for work in NV. I have suggested counselling, but K isn't willing. She keeps telling me the reason she is leaving has nothing to do with H. Somehow I dont believe it.

Started orientation and training today. 7 weeks! I dont think I have ever had so much training. But thats part of the new career.
 
racer812 said:
Well, had a nice weekend. Had a nice long talk with K. She is gonna stay with me until the benefits kick in on my new career. Meanwhile she is looking for work in NV. I have suggested counselling, but K isn't willing. She keeps telling me the reason she is leaving has nothing to do with H. Somehow I dont believe it.

Started orientation and training today. 7 weeks! I dont think I have ever had so much training. But thats part of the new career.
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Focus on that new career my friend! You've tried your best with K. Now think of the future and what might be instead of what was.

No matter what, it would be great if you stayed in touch with us :)

Take care
Mono
 
Even if I have to buy my own laptop, I will still post on this forum. Some how I have a bond with all who have posted on this blog.
I am focusing on my new career, lots to learn and remember. I am looking to the future. I am planning what I am going to do. I think I have an excellent opportunity with this company. My attitude and my limitations are all that can hold me back on advancement. I even have the ability to transfer. If I choose.

I think I ruffled K's feathers last night. Going thru all of the paperwork for my benefits and getting insurance setup. When K asked me about direct deposit to our joint account, I told her that I will open my own account. She didnt like that! What the hell? Did she think I was gonna give her free access to my money? Come on! How dumb does she think I am? I will go with my first paycheck and open my own account and remove myself from our joint account. I feel that it is the best thing to do, that way we are both protected.
 
racer812 said:
I think I ruffled K's feathers last night. Going thru all of the paperwork for my benefits and getting insurance setup. When K asked me about direct deposit to our joint account, I told her that I will open my own account. She didnt like that! What the hell? Did she think I was gonna give her free access to my money? Come on! How dumb does she think I am? I will go with my first paycheck and open my own account and remove myself from our joint account. I feel that it is the best thing to do, that way we are both protected.
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I'm glad you will stick around and also that you are looking after yourself. You're not doing anything wrong so be strong and stay focussed on your future :)
 
Well gee, what did she expect! I have a feeling this separation is going to be quite different than what she imagines.

Go you! I'm so glad to hear that you're excited about your new job!
 
I have to be! If I stay focused on the negative, I will go crazy! So i focus on my new career and my kids. We just finished a talk and I think the kids are going to stay with me. That is exactly what I would like. So when my training is finished I will request a shift that allows me the time that my kids will need me. K says she is going to live with her friend, but I know what she is planning. It makes me angry that she still wont be honest with me. But thats her choice and her loss. I am slowly moving our things apart, financial mostly. Getting my ducks in a row so to speak. Thank you all for the positive comments, they help.
 
Wow!! What a week. I only have 5 more weeks until I'm done with training. Lucky for me its getting better. Not so much death by power point! More hands on! I like that.
Personal life is still complicated. I want so badly to be the mean guy, kick K out on her ass, but I just can't lower myself to her level. I still love her, always will.
Eventually I will be able to move on and I hope I can find happiness. I know it will take time and I'm in no big hurry. Thanks for reading and any posts.
 
Had a very interesting conversation with one of my lady friends today. I will call her S, makes things easier to keep track of.
S and I have known each other for a really long time. I have always liked her and I will not lie I am attracted to her. It just so happened that we were/are both in relationships, so I never acted on my feelings towards her. Through my entire ordeal with K, S has been my rock. S has been the person that I have shared everything with, her incite has been so helpful. S has been in a relationship for about 4 1/2 years now. I received a call from S on friday nite, she said she needed to talk. So we talked, for a long time. S's current relationship is coming to an end, I feel for her. So to bring us to today, I swing by and check on S. Her soon to be ex is gone and her and I had a really nice talk. I now have a "date" with her. This is mostly for us to just get away from our pressures at home. Unwind a little. I am trying not to get my hopes up, but its hard to not get excited to maybe take this to the next step. Part of me wants to start the ground work for more. Part of me wants to stay back and remain friends. Tough decision. I think, after we get our home lives straightened out, I will talk with her and see if she has the same feelings. See if S might want to go to the next level, so to speak.
It makes me feel good to be around her, she is so honest. I know she will tell me what she feels, no lies, no half truths. Nice change of pace.
 
My roller coaster is at full speed! I have not held anything back from K. If she asks a question, I tell her my answer. Its that simple. K, on the other hand, is still playing her games, well, at least she is trying. I have come to the realization that she is leaving. There is nothing that I can do, say, or change to keep her. Ok. It hurts but its the truth. Had a long discussion about false hopes, all on my part. I was hoping that I could make her happy and she would stay. K would give me the impression that it was possible. Well, after catching her in another lie, I have decided that I will move on. So I have been talking to my friend, S, about all that has gone on in my life. Now S is having serious issues in her relationship. K has asked me about S and her options for changing her situation. K knows that I have a "thing" for S. Now all of the sudden, K is very jealous! I have not acted on my feelings for S, ever! Now that K realizes that I will move on and have "options" so to speak, she is changing her plans. K and I had another discussion and K throws the idea out that S could come and stay with us! What the! First K gets jealous. Then she wants S to move in? Am I that dumb? Does K honestly think that I dont see this trap? Just makes me wonder.
So there you go, another look into my crazy life.
 
WOW!! What happens in 3 days can change your life! Now outta the blue, K tells me she is staying:confused:. Now I'm so conflicted on what to do:(. I am/was ready to move on with my life and now K changes her mind. I asked for the reason why she changed her mind, and all I get is the same old crap about the kids and she doesn't want to lose what she has. What the hell?!
I know that something happened between her and H. But I can't get any answers. I am so afraid that this is just temporary. I feel that K has settled for me again when she can't get who she wants. I'm not even sure what I should do. Part of me wants to have her be a part of my life. The other part of me, the part that I probably should be listening to, is saying be cautious and get out! We went out last night, and just spent sometime together. It was nice. But in the back of my mind I think I should move on. Something doesn't feel right. I think I will plan on moving out. Give it sometime and see if K really wants to be with me. Time apart might just be what we need.
Thanks for reading.
 
Racer, I think that would be wise. This way, she can see if YOU are really what she wants. Sadly, she is still trying to see how much YOU want her. Anyway, good luck.
 
Well if K is trying to see how much I want her, she might just be surprised. Unless I bring up the subject, she acts like everything is normal. I don't trust her anymore, I don't believe anything she tells me. How the hell can you have a relationship if you dont have those 2 things? If we are going to rebuild, then things have to change. I think I am going to tell K that she must choose, perhaps she already has. But is this a permanent thing or just for now? These are all questions that I have and, I feel, that don't get answered honestly. I have caught her in so many lies that its very difficult to trust anything she tells me. K was suppose to go to Nevada for job interviews and to spend the weekend with H, I found this out by reading her text messages again, when I asked her about it she denied having any plans like that! Its very frustrating to have the answers in front of you and then someone that you are suppose to love and respect and trust, tell you something entirely different. On top of that, my friend S is going to stay with her guy and he is now calling me and playing the whole jealous BF bit. So now its hard to be able to talk to her about whats going on with my life.
Wow! I just read back thru my post and I kinda rambled. Sorry if it doesn't make much sense. I am just trying to get this stuff off my chest. Thanks for reading.
 
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