SEASONEDpolyAgain
Well-known member
Weird situation between some friends. Asking for thoughts.
I have a friend who has recently moved a lot closer. Let's call her Mary. Mary is single but polyamorous. She wanted to move but was worried about the first few weeks somewhere new and wanted to keep really busy. She went out to a few local poly, kink and singles nights.
Before she came out, she was speaking to Joseph and they had plans to meet. No firm plans to "date" as such but it wasn't excluded from possible outcomes. He was interested in helping her find local events and friends. They were meant to meet at a local event but Joseph had to cancel that day. Joseph regularly attends the event they were going to meet at. It's a munch.
Mary still attended the munch and she randomly met David there. David and Mary really hit it off and swap contact details. They stay in touch. Go for coffee. Go for lunch. All within a week.
Turns out David and Joseph are good friends. David tells Joseph that he and Mary have met and hit it off and have plans to stay in touch and see each other again. David and Joseph have known each other for long enough to know that it's less awkward when they have different love interests. Joseph is also engaged and soon to be married. Joseph decides not to pursue anything but friendship from Mary and therefore decides not to meet away from events. Joseph speaks to David about this but opts not to speak to Mary about it unless she pushes for a date over a meeting.
Joseph and Mary continue to talk over text as they've always done but Joseph doesn't suggest an inperson meeting though he knows they will likely meet at some point. He just doesn't want it to be a date between the two of them. Mary does suggest they go for dinner though. At this point, Mary has told Joseph she met David and is aware of the guys' friendship. Joseph tells her that David is a great guy etc but only brings up the discussion about not dating Mary he had with him when she says that she is excited to date friends and jokingly hints at group sex opportunities.
Joseph then tells her that he and David have decided that dating or being intimate with the same person isn't in their best interests and explains that he is giving space for David and her to see if they want to "date" and in all honesty, it probably wouldn't be the ideal time to take on new commitments with his upcoming wedding and existing partners.
Mary thinks this is unfair and sexist. She feels like someone called "dibs" on her and she is expected to just follow through. I see it as two friends making an agreement not to see the same woman. I think Mary shows entitlement that she should get to pick what guy she wants rather than Joseph deciding not to date her and giving space to whatever she wants to pursue with David.
I've tried to say to Mary that Joseph gets to opt out of dating her for any reason he likes. I used the "messy people" term. She really feels that them deciding not to have the same partner is oppressive to others. I've said to her that she doesn't have to date David or anyone and she is entitled to her feelings but they are entitled to make agreements between themselves to preserve their friendship.
Mary is very much into feminism and promoting social equality. So am I. However, I do think this is where one can be so "woke" that they are manipulative and oppressive themselves.
Thoughts? Sadly I know this will backfire on Mary should she feel the need to tell people what went on. These guys are relatively popular locally and as the new woman in town, Mary is disposable at this point. Sadly. I don't want her misplaced outrage (in my opinion) to obstruct her from the local kink and poly community.
I have a friend who has recently moved a lot closer. Let's call her Mary. Mary is single but polyamorous. She wanted to move but was worried about the first few weeks somewhere new and wanted to keep really busy. She went out to a few local poly, kink and singles nights.
Before she came out, she was speaking to Joseph and they had plans to meet. No firm plans to "date" as such but it wasn't excluded from possible outcomes. He was interested in helping her find local events and friends. They were meant to meet at a local event but Joseph had to cancel that day. Joseph regularly attends the event they were going to meet at. It's a munch.
Mary still attended the munch and she randomly met David there. David and Mary really hit it off and swap contact details. They stay in touch. Go for coffee. Go for lunch. All within a week.
Turns out David and Joseph are good friends. David tells Joseph that he and Mary have met and hit it off and have plans to stay in touch and see each other again. David and Joseph have known each other for long enough to know that it's less awkward when they have different love interests. Joseph is also engaged and soon to be married. Joseph decides not to pursue anything but friendship from Mary and therefore decides not to meet away from events. Joseph speaks to David about this but opts not to speak to Mary about it unless she pushes for a date over a meeting.
Joseph and Mary continue to talk over text as they've always done but Joseph doesn't suggest an inperson meeting though he knows they will likely meet at some point. He just doesn't want it to be a date between the two of them. Mary does suggest they go for dinner though. At this point, Mary has told Joseph she met David and is aware of the guys' friendship. Joseph tells her that David is a great guy etc but only brings up the discussion about not dating Mary he had with him when she says that she is excited to date friends and jokingly hints at group sex opportunities.
Joseph then tells her that he and David have decided that dating or being intimate with the same person isn't in their best interests and explains that he is giving space for David and her to see if they want to "date" and in all honesty, it probably wouldn't be the ideal time to take on new commitments with his upcoming wedding and existing partners.
Mary thinks this is unfair and sexist. She feels like someone called "dibs" on her and she is expected to just follow through. I see it as two friends making an agreement not to see the same woman. I think Mary shows entitlement that she should get to pick what guy she wants rather than Joseph deciding not to date her and giving space to whatever she wants to pursue with David.
I've tried to say to Mary that Joseph gets to opt out of dating her for any reason he likes. I used the "messy people" term. She really feels that them deciding not to have the same partner is oppressive to others. I've said to her that she doesn't have to date David or anyone and she is entitled to her feelings but they are entitled to make agreements between themselves to preserve their friendship.
Mary is very much into feminism and promoting social equality. So am I. However, I do think this is where one can be so "woke" that they are manipulative and oppressive themselves.
Thoughts? Sadly I know this will backfire on Mary should she feel the need to tell people what went on. These guys are relatively popular locally and as the new woman in town, Mary is disposable at this point. Sadly. I don't want her misplaced outrage (in my opinion) to obstruct her from the local kink and poly community.
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