The story of Spork.

Well, well.

I guess I'll be meeting with the girl's mother on Saturday, though she insists that she and my son be present. Interesting. And my reaction to her dramatic declarations being, "I need to speak to your Mother" did produce an interesting result.

She told my son yesterday that well....it's not ACTUALLY that urgent of a disaster, her parents aren't probably kicking her out, not really, before she can graduate, I mean...maybe for like a few days if they're really mad at her or something but not really... She said that her "Histrionic disorder" causes her to exaggerate (uh, lie, you mean?) about things and be overly dramatic, to garner sympathy and validation from others. Color me unsurprised. Essentially I called her bluff and she backed down.

This whole business is so absurd.

I keep hoping she will get wise to the fact that if she needs to use someone to get a foothold in life, she can easily find someone with more to offer than my son's got. Unfortunately I understand all too well why she won't be thinking that way.

When I met my ex, I thought he was a proper man, and he would stand by me, and so what if I was not passionately in love with him, I liked him well enough at the time and we were able to enjoy one another's company and at least he was not going to cheat on me or leave me. I felt secure about that. And he'd give his every resource, whatever that was, to my cause to deploy as I saw fit. He seemed like a good enough person in his own way. So when my relatives questioned why I would be with such a loser, living in poverty, when I could do so much better... I did not understand how I could actually do any better. I didn't have a lot of understanding of my own worth, and I scoffed at their concerns thinking "What kind of terrible woman would I be if I even was thinking about a man's money, it's not about money!" Well no, it isn't, not exactly. But at this point I understand that while I don't need a man to be wealthy, I do need him to not be a burden on me. I look back now and I realize that I could have found someone, at that time, who would have been a better partner to me, a better father to my children, and not have brought a whole heap of material struggle to add to the fact that I was a struggling young adult myself. I was as beautiful then as I was ever going to be. I did not need to compound my problems with another person who was nothing BUT problems. And if I'd been wise enough to see that then, it wouldn't have made me superficial or a bad person. Seeing your own worth, and not settling for an unworthy partner, would not have made me a terrible selfish human being.

But such are the follies of youth, I suppose. And such were the arguments I told myself, and my concerned relatives. It's hard to see things clearly from that perspective.

And I feel like my son's girlfriend is making similar mistakes. Nothing anyone could tell her about what a bad idea all of this is, will get through to her, because it's all "but I LOVE him"... She is so busy looking for mental health labels to excuse her harmful behaviors, and I swear, I SWEAR, she is capable of being more and better than this. It's such a tough subject we've got in front of us nowadays, combining how one raises children with how we see mental health issues. There just has to be a way to get people the help that will help them, without pandering to those who want ways to manipulate and dodge accountability. There's got to be a way to make people set aside the bullshit and get on with being real, without being an insensitive monster. But it's like these kids are not learning, growing up, that all this care your parents are giving you, the real world just is not going to keep giving you that. If you are harmful to your mate, your mate will leave you. Your employer and your landlord and your creditors and the grocery store clerk do not give a hot damn that you are "histrionic." Her parents managed to cozen to her ongoing mental health drama while at the same time making it worse by tearing down her self worth and self esteem. And now, she will engage in these petty games of manipulation, but she is not seeing the forest for the trees.

I remain thankful at least, that she is well protected from pregnancy. She has an implant, and it's worked well for her, and she plans to do another one when this one expires next year. Because about the only thing that could make this a whole lot worse, would be for her to get pregnant.
 
Whoa, Spork, good luck on that.
 
Tinwen said:
Whoa, Spork, good luck on that.
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Right?? Thank you.

Well the meeting with the girl's parents did not happen. They had some relatives make a surprise visit. She asked if she could give her father my phone number, and I said yes, and I already have her Mom's number. Right now I'm willing to abide (I do have other things to do with my time, after all) because the main reason I said "I need to talk to your parents" was served, in the fact that I called girl's bluff and she changed her story. She needs to know she can't just throw her manufactured crises into my face and expect me to dance to her tune. I will be checking up on her stories, before I do anything. And she cannot leverage my fondness for her into accommodation of whatever she wants.

I laughed and told Zen, "Your girlfriend is a horrible person, my love. It is the manipulator in me, seeing the manipulator in her, and frankly I sort of view this entire mess as kind of a game at this point." It is part of the reason that I take no real offense to her antics, and I don't hate her.

Meanwhile I have now unenrolled my son from high school, and we've got him registered for a GED prep class next month. He's just been floundering in school, wasting time, and he is eager to get on with adulting. So eager he is, to jump into the struggle...poor kid, he has no idea really. But that's ok. I'm thinking that we get him his GED and his driver's license both hopefully by about June, and as soon as he can find a job, he can be saving up for a car, and once he's got that sorted, hopefully we can get him enrolled in community college once he's 18, which is in September, or thereabouts. The goal to get him out on his own this year isn't looking too bad. I wanted both boys out on their own in 2019 if possible, but even so, I think I'd like to plan to stay in Colorado Springs until fall of 2021. This gives me time to save up and prepare for the move to Phoenix, and time for the boys to hopefully find their footing in the world a bit, with something of a safety net there if they falter. It is important to me that they not only get out on their own but to be OK, at least semi-stable even if things are tight. I am not telling them that I'm there to backstop them a bit if they find themselves in real hardship, I will try and let them think that they are really on their own...but we all know who they will call if they have some kind of an emergency.

I was the manager on duty for a women's only party on Friday night. I was thankful that there were a couple of other qualified MOD-type ladies there who knew I might want to leave early, because I did. I didn't really want to be there, my energy was just not in it. I was feeling very disconnected for some reason. I just wanted to be at home. And there was a big gang bang at the Swinger's party on Saturday (which I didn't attend)...I was scoping out Fetlife looking to see if anyone had comments about how it went. I haven't heard anything. I hope everyone had a good time, it was an unusual thing. There were something like 40 guys involved in this thing, if I remember correctly. I'm happy because that is an awful lot of income for the club. Anything that helps the place keep on keepin' on makes me happy!
 
Hey all, sorry I haven't been around lately. Hope everyone is well.

Figured a lot of things have happened, and one thing of vaguely poly-ish interest in particular, so...

But first a recap on the family! My older son is 20 now. It's freaking me out. I shall have to update my sig. So Ninja had been sent off to Job Corps in Montana to learn welding and get his driver's ed and driver's license, after a year spent sitting on ass around my house doing a whole lotta nothin'. He got there and decided welding wasn't much fun so he switched to Culinary Arts. Which seemed to me like a terrible choice and I told him so, after all, we had really well paying gigs lined up for him as a welder, and this training was...the right training to get him a job in a school cafeteria? Waffle House? Whatever. So he was away for some time. Then in February he was really struggling, they had still not got him into driver's training and I could hear a note of misery in his voice on the phone. He wanted to come home for a visit, which I'd have had to pay for a plane ticket...and I decided, how about we just pull the plug on this experiment instead, and they will send you home on their dime, and I'll use that money instead to just put you into a driver's ed school here. They don't teach it in high school anymore, and it's not cheap...but hey, about what I'd pay for a plane ticket! So we did that.

He is most of the way through that, and he has his first job interview at a restaurant across the street from our house tomorrow. So I'm slowly but surely nudging him toward the edge of the nest. And I've been giving him and his brother both, plenty of drive time lately. I'm stepping up my Mom game. I want to try and get them both out of my house by the end of the year.

Which brings me to the younger son, Q, who is now 17 and will be 18 in September. He was in a terrible relationship but they've been broken up for a little over a month now. He's recovering well, has reclaimed a lot of things that got sort of lost during that time. He has learned and grown a great deal. He finished his GED, and he is learning to drive and applying for jobs now.

Zen and I are still going strong. We were both really sick for about a month, January/February...we had a flu that for me became a vicious sinus infection and for him became pneumonia. It was awful but we got through it. It took a little while for our sexual activity to recover after we did, but we're back with it now, I think. I've been having a wonderful time with him. It never stops being magical, having such an attentive and skilled lover in my life.

Which brings me to a story of last weekend. We had our parameters set at "no genital contact with anyone outside of our relationship without checking in and discussing it first" as far as I knew. I generally figured that I wouldn't have a problem if Zen wanted to play with another woman, up to and including some ethical non-monogamy if he were wanting to. But I feel like despite our best efforts (I thought) to communicate well on this, maybe we didn't communicate well enough. We'd had a great day Saturday full of lots of play, we were at a party at the club, and we'd wrapped up a great scene with impact and manual stimulation of me (he's learned some really good techniques for this, and was happy to show them off.) I'd gone out to smoke, and when I came back, he had his fingers in a pretty young woman that I know he's been perving on for a while and wanting to play with. It was a very unexpected thing to walk in on, and I needed to go outside and sort of check in with myself.

So I sat in the cool quiet outside for a little bit, and I poked around to see if I had any particular feelings about it... Run a line of code, analyze for emotional response, sort of exercise. She is much younger and hasn't had kids, is there a "she is more attractive than me" problem? Nope, I'm ok. Zen is doing something he wouldn't want me doing with other men, and that isn't very fair, is that a problem? I mean logically... But I sat there trying to imagine any kind of play with other guys parts and the thought just did not appeal to me. I realized, I just don't feel like I am missing out on anything. My needs are profoundly well met. And I've had a lot of experience in my lifetime, enough to convince me that a lover who pleases me so well is a rarity. Others just...don't really interest me much. I don't feel like I'm wanting parity in this. So fussing about "fairness" does not make a ton of sense if I don't even want what I'm asking for, now does it? No, overwhelmingly I was feeling one thing. Compersion, I suppose, I was just very happy for Zen for getting to have a fun experience like this.

Now I did want to have a word with him because I did feel it would have been a little better if I weren't feeling slightly ambushed by the unexpectedness of this. But that was a very minor concern. I just was not upset.

We talked, and I think everything is fine, though our discussion of it made me wonder about something. He said he didn't think of it as a "sexual act" necessarily, he was just scening and showing off skills, but then he contemplated it after we talked and he was very apologetic and felt he had mis-stepped. Well. I mean, I guess the only thing that fusses me was...I think we need to be very on the same page about what our expectations are here.

I manage some discomfort where it comes to comparing myself to other women who get Zen's attention. I don't want to feel like it is just this blanket "one penis policy" situation where no other men are allowed because the Zen-comparing-himself-to-others and feeling threatened and insecure, is a thing we've all got to live our lives around, but Spork is not entitled to any consideration of those feelings at all. My feelings, my problem, your feelings, also my problem. Your problem? Nothing, do whatever you want. It is only THAT which makes me feel...not considered. So it felt far more equitable to think, "We will not have genital contact with others outside of our relationship without a negotiation, even a quick one, whatever is needful." If that means that he winds up playing with another woman because he wants to, and I don't wind up playing with another man because I don't want to...well, that's ok. At least we both have the space to have our feelings considered.

So that was really the only disconnect, and it seems to me just...a little too ephemeral to get worked up about honestly. So while I like the talking and making sure we're on the same page, I've tried really hard to make sure that Zen knows, I'm not mad at him.

Really I think that right now I'm just in a pretty stable headspace, so I can do negotiation of all this from a fairly intellectual position. What I want to avoid, is leaving it unexamined in my head, where the minute my hormones or drop or something acts up, it will leap out of the shadows and sucker punch me.
 
I think I just heard you say that Zen unilaterally blew off your agreement, and you're jumping through mental hoops to be okay with it. Maybe I read it too fast.
 
ref2018 said:
I think I just heard you say that Zen unilaterally blew off your agreement
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Yup. Spork, it sounds like you're ok with the act itself, but this is the part you were angry about - not sure if that was resolved. Also, the agreement needs some revisiting.
 
Tinwen nailed it, and Fallen Angelina is correct also. ref2018 is sort of right.

My main thing is, I'm not sure if we were both understanding our "agreement" as being the same thing, so we need to talk about that and make sure we're clear.

We came together as one experienced poly woman with multiple partners, who could get partners very easily for whatever...and a relatively inexperienced man who was ok with the original poly situation, but after I broke it off with my other group, and it was just us, he had a clearly stated preference that I not have sex with other men. I think he's somewhat laboring under a misconception I've found frequently in heterosexual people of both genders. This being that a person who is bi or pansexual, has "needs" for both sex-with-males and sex-with-females and that while they might satisfy their needs for one gender, they won't be able to satisfy the other one. This leads some straight folks to assume that a bi person would be more likely to cheat in a monogamous/hetero relationship because they aren't getting the same-sex lovin' they need. I've run into it on another relationship forum frequently. And that thinking is so incorrect, as most bi and pan people know...because for the most part, with practically every one I've met, it's more a matter that they are into the person and the genital configuration just isn't a huge priority. They are not more or less likely to cheat at all. And in a poly situation, me wanting another man, doesn't mean that Zen is failing to fulfill needs he could be fulfilling. It would just mean I was interested in another human also. Now that "likely to cheat" mindset isn't what Zen is thinking. It's just that when he thinks of me with another woman, that's hot...thinking of me with another man, feels troubling on a few different levels. I on the other hand, don't really necessarily feel threatened by him being with whoever. But I think we both ASSUMED that if one of us was very likely to be in the position of sexual activity with another person happening, it would be me and not him.

So my thought is that maybe he understood our agreement as one thing (me not being with other men, but either of us being authorized to be with other women) and I understood it as another (neither of us having genital contact with another person without the prior negotiation and our partner's consent.) If both of us ASSUMED we knew the rules but we were assuming two different things... That's a fine recipe for confusion!

So I'm not at all mad, I just want to make sure we're both understanding our agreements and that our expectations are reasonable. I would also personally like to feel that it is fair to both of us, in terms of our feelings being considered.

Mind you I don't believe that me being with another man is 100% off the table if I wanted to. But there lies the crux of the matter. Do I? Not really. Based on a previous piece of processing we did over another situation in the past, I think that WHO the hypothetical other guy is would matter, and there are possibilities Zen would be willing to consider if I wanted him to. I just...don't feel enough desire for sexual play with another man to want to do that. The return on investment isn't high enough. Most of my male partners have been not good, or at best "meh." A handful, including my former poly partners, were excellent lovers in their own right, but didn't hit a particular button in my kink needs...one that is pretty important to me. Only one other than Zen had all the right ingredients for an awesome sex experience (for me specifically) but the "good partner" aspect was completely lacking and I haven't seen him in years. Zen though? Hits every note just right. So knowing that, I'm not going to put us through the work of processing for it.

What about other women, though, for me? I know Zen would be thrilled with that. I'm vaguely open to the idea, especially once I get my kids out of my home and I've (hopefully) got more bandwidth in terms of time. But I've been with very few women because while I get crushes on them all the time, I always feel a little shy about expressing desire...and they don't tend to do so either. Men make it easy. They will make their desires known and put the effort into making it happen. I feel like every time I've wanted a woman, both of us have stood around waiting for someone to "be the man." Which is absurd, but there it is. And of the few I've been with, most seemed more centered on the male or males in our shared sex lives, not the connection between us, and that was never really satisfying for me.

What I can say with absolute honesty is that I have emotional cravings that are centered around women I meet and women I know...for love, for friendship, for quality time. Whether play or sex comes into it, doesn't feel extremely important to me, but I'm open to it.

Anyhow, yeah, Zen and I don't have conflict over this, which is good since neither of us likes conflict, but we do need to talk and make sure that our agreements and understandings are clear and known. Sometimes you THINK they are and then find out...not so much. It's human. It happens.

I know some people who would look at this and say, "You are justified in being upset, I would be upset, so you should be upset." Nah. If I'm not feeling it, I'm not going to make myself feel it. I'd really rather not! I consider the fact that this incident didn't get my emotional gremlins all worked up to be a wonderful and slightly surprising blessing actually.
 
Oh and another thing that happened over the weekend which was heckin' great...

I got to go hiking with Fire and her girlfriend and another woman from the scene. Four of us, girl time, hell yes. Somehow despite being a smoker, I held my own, and I'm working on breaking in some new hiking boots (Ariats! I've wanted a pair since I was 15. Finally treated myself to them, now need to put some miles on 'em!) We walked about 3 miles. It was great!

I talked to Fire about the situation with Zen (it had just happened the night prior to the hike) and she already knew because her husband was also playing with the same young woman at the club that night, and has played with her before. Zen is of the vague impression they might be "hooking up" or something. Which reminds me, I kinda want to check in and make sure that Hefe isn't feeling a disturbance in his force because of Zen's participation in that scene. Given that I parted company with he and Fire and wound up exclusively with Zen, and now Zen wants to play with someone else he is enjoying time with, I can sorta imagine there being some ripples spreading out in that direction. I definitely do care about Hefe and do not want his feelings hurt or disregarded.

Anyhow though...Fire had some concerns based on her poly past, and I do think that they are valid thoughts, regarding feeling that things were not on equal footing for a while. I'm not sure that they apply directly at this time, but I filed the information. I guess mainly what I hope I conveyed to her is that I really am ok, everything really is fine, I'm not just saying that, and I see this as just a valuable sort of communication opportunity, a chance for Zen and I to exercise and improve relationship skills in negotiation and so on.
 
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Zen and I did quite a bit of talking last night. Both the things that were said, and the fact that we felt comfortable saying them to one another, made us feel super bonded and very happy with where we were at. I can think of a couple of items I want to revisit, but they are not conflict so much as "so when you said this, and I answered with that, this was my understanding and what I meant, just to make sure we're clear..." kinds of thoughts.

Oh and the only part of the responses here that is not accurate was the "jumping through mental hoops trying to be ok with it" part. I expected to not feel ok with it. But I inspected my thoughts and feelings and found to my surprise that I really was ok with it. Sometimes what we expect to feel and what we really feel can be two different things I guess. Feelings being funny like that. And all.

So Ninja's job interview went really well. He didn't get hired on the spot because the manager said he's got a number of openings and wants to go back over his applicants and make sure he's hiring people into the right spots, but he'll hear from him soon. So that's cool! Q and I went driving the other night, and Q is really doing very well with it. It's exciting to teach him because he really enjoys it, and he's got the spirit of wanderlust I sometimes feel, he wants the freedom to just get in a car and GO. Ninja is learning because I'm making him...he'd rather not if he didn't have to...but Q is doing it because he loves it. It's really enjoyable to teach to that.

Zen and I have a convention this weekend. Should be...interesting. We have a couple of friends of his that we usually spend time with and they will be there and I really want to spend time with them. But he's got another friend...I think we called him Tantrum Man or something like that the last time I talked about him here. I decided not to be friends with him for various reasons of my own. Mostly that he was in the beginning of the end, a messy end it seemed it would be, for his marriage. It hadn't been so long since I was divorced and not only did I not want to hear about that, kinda triggery for me...but I felt I kept projecting my own stuff onto him and his wife and that was unfair. Then there was the fact that he wanted to control who I talked to (his wife/friends) about what and to put the final nail in the coffin, when I told him politely that I didn't want to spend time with him, but I respected the friendship he shared with Zen and encouraged them to hang out...just without me... He went ballistic and called me a coward and said I didn't understand what true friendship means and a whole bunch of stuff like that. Demanded we get together and sort it out, which I refused, being disinterested in a lecture from some man on how I needed to be his friend and he was right about everything and my thoughts and feelings don't matter. Um, yeah, pass on that. So we have not talked in a long time. After that whole...deal. The divorce has now happened, and he'll be attending the convention with his son.

So I'm going to have my "coolly cordial" face on this weekend. And hope to be able to spend more time with the couple that I like...and less time with this other fella. We will see how that goes.

But hey. William Shatner will be there though.

Speaking of geekery. Shows! So Zen has recently introduced me to Father Ted, which I love. And we have been watching The Magicians, which just broke my heart with the season finale last week. And we've been working our way through Season 4 of Farscape, slowly but surely. And of course...the big tamale, the one we've been waiting for...Game of Thrones!

Anybody else watching any of this? Wanna geek out? Feel free to geek here!
 
Hey, a spork has a starring role in the upcoming Toy Story 4 :)


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LOL Angelina!! You know sometimes, that little spork right there is a pretty good illustration of how I feel about life!

So Zen's been talking with the gal he played with at the party and more activities are on the radar involving both of us at future things. I reminded him that I have the privilege of using the club when nothing else is going on there if I want to...and he was all excited and said that since he's got Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday off this week maybe we could set something up, huh, huh?

lol

I asked him to sorta calm his tits because we had a convention last weekend and Thursday we are flying to Phoenix to visit his father, and in the few days in between I have to work, and my sons might need my time in those evenings, not to mention that I will need to do some cleaning and packing and so on...besides which I would seriously like to take a little time to wrap my head around the changes going on before we dive in head first.

Seems now that he has another woman interested in play, he is thinking about things and more willing to open our relationship up somewhat and not only play with other women, but be ok with me playing with other men as well, or having group sex activities. And that's really a lot for me to take in. I'd put my brain firmly into "not on the market" mode and wrapped all of my sexual investment in him...as evidenced by my previous sentiments... And in my life I've only been in one of two possible modes of sexuality. Either I was "available"...in which case I was averaging like 10 new partners per year or so, and struggled to find a reason to say no (because I need one somehow? I dunno.) Men would put a little pressure on, and if I could even imagine them sexually I'd just go for it. They wanted it. Why not? And that led to SO MANY really unsatisfying sexual pairings. I just don't want to be doing that. Doing whatever, just because other people want me, and having little idea of what I really want but just being agreeable to people in the hopes I find it. The other "mode" of operation is "taken" where I have the shield of monogamous relating to raise up and deflect all of that interest...

And I've made such a...thing...of Zen and I having this "no genital contact" rule at the club... What he did at that party was bound to raise questions in a lot of minds, and if I let it be known that I'm available... I'm honestly afraid that a whole lot of men I don't really want to play with are going to be barkin' up my tree. What possible excuse do I have now, for not wanting them, that doesn't make me look like a jerk?

And of course, there's a little insecurity there, too. Which doesn't surprise me honestly. And knowing that Zen and I have some...disconnects? Struggles? I don't even know what to call it...when it comes to me feeling that way and what I need/want in terms of affirmation. I'm remembering a night where he felt I might be thinking about hooking up with the Worm King again (I wasn't really, but he had that impression) and he asked me "Am I not enough? Do I not make you happy?" I feel that way, at least a little. And I reassured him as thoroughly as I could that I was very, very happy with him and had no intentions or real interest in that sector. But now I feel kinda not enough, and he's all hoppin' with a sort of pre-NRE excitement for new opportunities and I'm trying to keep the compersion and happy-for-Zen and optimism in the front of my head...it's there, it's part of the picture too, for sure... But I'm also trying to process my own insecurity a bit. And I did ask for some reassurance, but he thinks it's disingenuous to be telling me I'm pretty all the time...which makes me feel like "Yeah I shouldn't be asking you to kiss my ass, you're right" but also feels like "I asked for what I needed and got shot down. Guess other people can need stuff and I can't." And no, I don't need to be told I'm pretty all the damn time. I just wish I felt attractive, and between one thing and another, I often don't. It's just, he gets awful excited about far more beautiful women, and I feel like the closest I've ever come to being exciting like that to anybody is "she isn't a hideous troll and she'll give up the sex." I'm nothing special but I'm good enough. When I'm down on myself like that I strangely feel like running away from everyone and everything. I wouldn't, but that's the impulse. Like maybe if I were alone and didn't have to worry about other people and what excites them, I could be good enough for ME.

But it's got me thinking...what am I afraid of? That look in Zen's eyes and enthusiastic sexual interest, I am afraid of losing that. I'm afraid I may find out I was kind of meh all along and the only reason, once he's got more exciting partners available to him, that he'll still want to be with me is that I'm a sensible life partner choice, and he feels some obligations. I'm afraid that what I thought was...IT...that magical thing, where for the first time I'm safe to be in love because my partner is also in love...will eventually become just like any other time I was in love, and my partner's interest in me faded and I got hurt. I'm scared of that.

Hell I was at the convention over the weekend, standing with a friend of ours that I really like and respect, and hearing him evaluate various women. He was mocking one woman because of the shape of her nose, and I said, "I can't judge, I've got a brain tumor on my nose" (It's a small benign tumor and one of the flaws that really jumps out at me every time I look in a mirror.) He said, "That's just a live-with-it kind of thing." Whatever that means? It's the fact that if I TRY to be beautiful, if I dress up a bit or whatever, you've got guys like that standing on the sidelines evaluating every detail and... Yeah ok I'm not perfect, and if you're not, then somebody will show up to tear you apart if not to your face, then behind your back. So why try? If I nerd it up and run around in baggy clothes at least I won't have anyone saying, "She thinks she's all that, just look at her, but that nose, and that flat ass, and she can't really pull off that top" and whatever. I've spent enough of my life feeling like other people look at me and want me to be something I'm not. It sure would be nice to feel that I'm really fucking alright just as I am.

And Zen, well...he said last night on the drive home that he thinks most people find me sexually attractive. I don't necessarily get that vibe but I realized something a little while ago. So the people I KNOW find me attractive, that I worry about having to turn down because I'm not into them, the main reason I'm not into them is that they have pushed my comfort boundaries at some point. You make me feel like shrinking away because you're taking liberties or acting on assumptions, and you just really never will come back from that in my eyes, especially if I expressed a boundary and you didn't respect it. The many others that I might be interested in, but I don't know if they are into me...the main reason I have no idea if they find me attractive or not, is they do act in respect of my boundaries. They knew I was not really putting myself on the line for activities with other people, so they didn't push. They are cordial, but I don't get the sense that they find me sexy.

So I have no idea anymore. I don't know if I should feel as safe in my relationship as I did before, but I'd sure like to think so. The idea of playing with certain others is kinda hot. And scary at the same time. The only man I can think of at the club that I know I would consent to play with, because I trust him, is Hefe, and I have no idea if he would even want to go there at this point.

I've honestly had some struggles with self esteem and this has led me to isolate myself from friendships and not really post here so much because I always think that others will find this stuff tiresome. Whatever anyone thinks about the rest of me, people like confidence, so when I sort of stride through the world with "fuck it, who cares, I'm going to rock being me whatever anyone thinks" I get better social reactions to that. The weaker side of me... Well let's just say I have not had the best results with asking for what I need or want...I wind up sitting there watching other people get it and feeling unloved because I asked and no one cared. My best defense was "I don't care. I don't need anything. It's fine." So this...even thinking about what I want, or am I just going along with what Zen wants me to want, or what the hell and if I want something how do I ask, and if I ask, will anyone care...? It's confusing. Sometimes I wonder who I would be if no one needed me to be anything for them. If a Spork falls in the forest, and no one is there to hear, does she make a sound?
 
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So on a much lighter note...

The convention went pretty well. I didn't find Zen's friend to be too insufferable, I still don't see wanting to be besties with him or anything but since a huge reason I didn't want to be friends with him before, was where I was at in divorce-recovery, and where he was at getting ready to wade into the beginning of the end... And now we're in very different places... I was able to deal with and talk to him and it was ok.

I ran into one of the coolest people I barely know, a young woman from Denver who is a clown, a balloon artist, a magician's assistant, a model, and a kinkster of sorts, and I've enjoyed being barely-acquainted Facebook friends with her for a few years now. It was her first convention and we repeatedly ran into one another and chatted. She's fun. Made a few other new acquaintances. Saw some good talks. Apparently Ben Browder from Farscape really needs a job, he's spending way too much time home on the internet talking about politics...and it shows. Peter Macon (Bortus from The Orville) is super nice, I think it was his first convention and he was out talking to random people all over the place. And then there was Shatner.

I didn't get an autograph or photo with Shatner, but I went to his talk and he was really a lot of fun. Very entertaining and enjoyable to listen to. I will tell everyone, if you ever run into him somehow, at an event or out in the world, there is a thing you should say. "No shit! Shatner!" He was pulled over by the police for speeding, and the cop had him get out of the car and get into the patrol car, and they turned on the interior dome light (it was night time) and the cop said, like, three times "No shit! Shatner!" and let him off with a warning. So it was sort of a running joke thing. He seems to be holding up pretty damn well for 88 years old.
 
OK I wasn't going to do any more of this...

But dammit, I'm having a bad day. I'm falling the fuck apart.

I can't believe I made myself so fucking vulnerable, invested, let myself believe in the fairy tale.

I have now been told by Zen a few times, when trying to express that I just need some affirmation that I'm attractive to him, because his excitement about the young hot girls makes me feel kinda insecure. Especially after going through the time when we were both sick, I felt very un-sexy. I've been told that it would be crass, to be telling me I'm pretty all the time, and be disingenuous empty flattery. Which I tried to tell him yesterday, really seemed a lot to me like, "I don't have anything to say, you aren't actually hot to me anymore, and I won't lie to make you feel better." It made me also feel like I was being needy and pathetic, and that no one cares about my needs. I told him YESTERDAY that I felt I would ask for things and then watch my partners give it to someone else but not me.

Today? After being told again he wasn't going to do that... I see where he's BLASTED his new sex interest, with compliments on Fetlife on a bunch of photos about how hot she is. He did that a few days back and then reiterated to me that he does not feel comfortable being expected to affirm my appearance.

OK message fucking received.

You like that I'm a sensible partner who saves you money and cleans your house and isn't a pain like some women might be, but you want to chase young and hot and you don't find me hot anymore. I'm not marrying that. I thought I had something I didn't, clearly.

I have never felt so completely disregarded and not thought of at all. I feel like my world is falling apart. This HURTS.

I don't even want to go home. I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm so not ok right now.
 
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Oh wow! I'm so sorry to hear this! You deserve so much better regard from him.

Leetah
 
And another thought, (don't care, it's MY blog) is...

I wonder if he thinks that other people tell me I'm hot all the time? That I get lots of attention on Fetlife or anything like that? I really don't. The only comment on my pictures in months, was a painting I did of the TARDIS, some rando came along and asked, "Are you bigger on the inside?" An insult, really.

I should have known, early on, that he was only settling for me, and wishing he could have better. That I needed to pay attention to how excited he got about "young and pretty" and that I was not safe in this relationship, from heartbreak.

Well, no relationship is safe from that. I should know. I did know. I came into it kind of cynically realistic, knowing that if I fell in love, I'd get hurt. I let him convince me otherwise. God damn it.

Just a "nurse with a purse" after all. Useful, but kinda boring.

I dunno. I have a lot of knowledge about poly stuff from being here a while, from my community, from books I've read. But I don't know how anyone is supposed to handle having a partner tell them they can't or won't give them something that is asked for...then see them turn RIGHT around and give it abundantly to someone else. It hurts, a whole damned lot.

I kind of wish I'd just stayed solo, living by my own rules. Better than letting someone put restrictions on me based on HIS feelings, and accepting them and reworking my lifestyle around them, then "Woops, hey, I feel better about opening our relationship now" the minute he finds somebody else he wants to play with, and feeling disregarded multiple times in the process.

I wish I had somewhere to run to. It's weird how I can feel like I have so many friends and yet at the same time, none at all.
 
Leetah said:
Oh wow! I'm so sorry to hear this! You deserve so much better regard from him.

Leetah
Click to expand...

Thank you Leetah. I don't feel like I know what, if anything, I deserve anymore.
 
I'm sorry, Spork. You are enough, just as you are. If Zen has forgotten that, then that is his loss. Don't question your worth because of his poor behavior. ((Hugs))
 
LOL I guess if nothing else, I've figured out where a line is.

Walking in on him violating our agreement...I felt alright, and we could talk and work through that.

Having him suddenly decide that we could open up our relationship, after I closed myself off to others and centered my sexual lifestyle around him for years, just because he's got an opportunity he wants to explore... Well, we can talk about it. Give me a minute. Maybe it will be fun.

But repeatedly telling me why I shouldn't ask for what I feel I need, and it doesn't feel right to him to give me that... Not being willing to reassure me really, and that being such a struggle...then turning around in his excitement and publicly blasting this (yes, much more attractive and much younger) woman with exactly that sort of thing...? Knowing full well how I've been feeling? You just can't say, "Yeah you're right, you're getting older and I'm just maintaining this relationship because I've got a pretty good gig and all, but god, spare me the maintenance..." any damned louder.
 
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