bf's relationship with ex bothering me

[polyboo]

My BF (Red) broke up with his ex (Kate) about a year and a half ago after he caught her cheating with his business partner (Max). Kate's mom (Toni) is also a business parter and runs a lot of the day to day operations. The whole thing nearly tanked the company, but Max and Red were able to work things out and maintain a civil working relationship. Toni and Red have always had a close friendly relationship, but she puts pressure on him to be friendly with Kate. There's still a lot of hurt and resentment there, and Kate is now in a relationship with Red's former best friend (Al), which only adds to the resentment.

Red and Al recently have reason to do some business together over the next couple months (which Toni kinda made happen), and so Red, Al, and Kate have started talking to each other again and they're rekindling their friendship. However, Red is very ambivalent toward the whole thing. He partly feels like he's supposed to be friendly with Kate because it makes Toni happy. I know part of it also is that, since they're going to have to see each other a bit over the next few months for business, he doesn't want to hold on to the negative feelings. But that hurt and resentment is still there.

I've tried to tell him that it he can be civil and let go of any animosity without having to be friends with either of them, but that didn't really sink in at all. I'm sick of hearing about Al and Kate and what happened between her and Red. I hate seeing those old wounds get poked at every time they talk. I hate that she's getting absolved of some of her guilt. And it makes me feel like he doesn't have enough self-respect. They're all getting together Sunday and I'm feeling angry and protective about it, so I needed to vent so I don't say something petty to Red or anyone else.

Insight, advice, or just kind words welcome.

 

[GalaGirl]

I hope you feel better for the vent.

Toni and Red have always had a close friendly relationship, but she puts pressure on him to be friendly with Kate.

Red and Al recently have reason to do some business together over the next couple months (which Toni kinda made happen), and so Red, Al, and Kate have started talking to each other again and they're rekindling their friendship. However, Red is very ambivalent toward the whole thing. He partly feels like he's supposed to be friendly with Kate because it makes Toni happy.

I could be wrong. But it sounds like Red needs better boundaries with Toni if they are going to be continue to be coworkers. Is it that TONI wants Red to be friendly with Kate so TONI can think "My kid isn't behaving THAT bad?" or "It's all healed now" or something?

If he's ambivalent, what stopped Red from telling Toni

"Toni, I don't want to do business with Al, my ex friend and Kate's current. Stop trying to make that happen. Or YOU handle that account. Not me. "

and/or

"Toni, don't push me toward Kate. I can be basic polite if we happen to bump into each other, but I really don't want to be friends or hang out extra with Kate. You have to come to terms with the fact she cheated on me with my business partner, it almost tanked the company, and I don't love that all this happened. Please respect my limit so our OWN working relationship can be good and so business can move forward without new extra problems."

I've tried to tell him that it he can be civil and let go of any animosity without having to be friends with either of them, but that didn't really sink in at all. I'm sick of hearing about Al and Kate and what happened between her and Red. I hate seeing those old wounds get poked at every time they talk. I hate that she's getting absolved of some of her guilt. And it makes me feel like he doesn't have enough self-respect. They're all getting together Sunday and I'm feeling angry and protective about it, so I needed to vent so I don't say something petty to Red or anyone else.

You might need to say that bold part to Red. And if he comes to you to talk some more about the Al and Kate stuff?

You could say "No, thank you. I need a break from all that. Please do not tell me more about them. You have to handle that on your own or considering seeing another friend and/or counselor to process with. I cannot be that person at this time. I'm full."

I'm with you. If he has to be civil/polite with these people because of work/business? Fine. But he doesn't have to hang out extra with them or be buddies.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hi polyboo,

There seems to be a string of dysfunctional connections here. First, Kate cheated with Max. What does that say about Kate that she would do something like that? Next, Red (to make Toni happy) is trying to be friendly with Kate. What does that say about Red, that he would be friendly with someone like Kate? Is he lacking in self-respect? And finally, there is the fact that *you* are maintaining a BF/GF relationship with Red. Does that say anything about you, that you would date someone who has so little self-respect? Is it possible that you, too, have a shortage of self-respect?

I don't mean to be mean to you or hassle you or try to put you down; what I mean is, there are three people here who have a say over what relationships they're in: Kate (who chose to be with Max), Red (who chooses to be friendly with Kate), and yourself (as you continue to choose to date Red). You have the power to sever your connection with Red, if you sense/feel that he is lacking in emotional health. That is something that you have power over in this situation. You don't *have* to keep seeing Red. You could have enough esteem for yourself to separate yourself from that crazy situation.

Of course you also have the option of trying to convince Red to stop being so friendly with Kate. And you've tried; you've told him that he can be civil and let go of any animosity without having to be friends with her ... but as you said yourself: it didn't sink in. So what can you do? Are there other words that you can use to convince him, words that would be more powerful? Maybe you could tell him that you are beginning to question your relationship with him due to his apparent lack of self-respect. Maybe that would snap him out of it? But even then, you are claiming that part of the situation over which you have control.

In the end, it is 100% up to Red what kind of relationship he will maintain with Kate (and Al). He has the power to decide whether to absolve Kate of some of her guilt. You can try to reason with him, but he still has the power to decide whether he'll listen to you. The only part you really control, as far as I can tell, is whether you'll keep dating him in spite of his wishy-washy treatment of himself. I don't know what words would be powerful enough to convince him to stop being friendly towards Kate (and Al); perhaps such words exist but I don't know what they are. That's why I suggest considering the possibility of breaking up with him.

You do of course have the option of continuing to see Red even if Red continues to act friendly towards Kate. If you can live with that, I suppose that's what you should do. Perhaps it would help if he would stop talking to you about Kate. Kate is his problem to figure out, not yours; you are not obligated to hear about Al and Kate and what happened between her and Red. I know you are just trying to be supportive of him, but it is driving you crazy. Of course, you can also vent here and that alone may make it so you can continue to hear about Kate and Al without feeling angry about it. And that's okay. I don't mean to hassle you, I am just stating a few possibilities, in case that might help.

I hope you are able to work things out with Red; I do sympathize.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

My BF (Red) broke up with his ex (Kate) about a year and a half ago after he caught her cheating with his business partner (Max). Kate's mom (Toni) is also a business parter and runs a lot of the day to day operations. The whole thing nearly tanked the company, but Max and Red were able to work things out and maintain a civil working relationship. Toni and Red have always had a close friendly relationship, but she puts pressure on him to be friendly with Kate. There's still a lot of hurt and resentment there, and Kate is now in a relationship with Red's former best friend (Al), which only adds to the resentment.

Red and Al recently have reason to do some business together over the next couple months (which Toni kinda made happen), and so Red, Al, and Kate have started talking to each other again and they're rekindling their friendship. However, Red is very ambivalent toward the whole thing. He partly feels like he's supposed to be friendly with Kate because it makes Toni happy. I know part of it also is that, since they're going to have to see each other a bit over the next few months for business, he doesn't want to hold on to the negative feelings. But that hurt and resentment is still there.

I've tried to tell him that it he can be civil and let go of any animosity without having to be friends with either of them, but that didn't really sink in at all. I'm sick of hearing about Al and Kate and what happened between her and Red. I hate seeing those old wounds get poked at every time they talk. I hate that she's getting absolved of some of her guilt. And it makes me feel like he doesn't have enough self-respect. They're all getting together Sunday and I'm feeling angry and protective about it, so I needed to vent so I don't say something petty to Red or anyone else.

Insight, advice, or just kind words welcome.

Why don't you hate that he has a "civil working relationship" with Max? If he wanted to start going out for beers and golf with Max, would you object as Max betrayed him in the past? Or is this specific to someone who is a romantic/sexual "threat"?

 

[polyboo]

Why don't you hate that he has a "civil working relationship" with Max? If he wanted to start going out for beers and golf with Max, would you object as Max betrayed him in the past? Or is this specific to someone who is a romantic/sexual "threat"?

Just to be clear, it only bothers me when I see him unhappy because of Kate. It's not like I feel threatened at all by her. I get angry and protective because she and Toni both seem to be totally emotionally manipulative, and I don't care what kind of history is there, or who they are, if someone is being manipulative and s**tty to someone I love I'm gonna be mad about it.

 

[Marcus]

They're all getting together Sunday and I'm feeling angry and protective about it, so I needed to vent so I don't say something petty to Red or anyone else

I think it's pretty normal to want to keep our loved ones safe from harm. However, they are still adults must be allowed to make their own choices. How they willingly choose to live their life is not something you can "protect", which is a very good thing.

The only part of this that sounds like it's any of your business is how much and what type of information is coming to you. It sounds like he is using you as his sounding board, which you let him do, and it stresses you out.
I suggest you take responsibility for your own health and let him know that the kind of information coming your way needs to be adjusted. "It's stressing me out to always hear about this, so I can't be your sounding board for hurt feelings about her any longer"