Freedom, open relationship or self destruction ?

[Swann]

Hi,

I know polyamory isn't the same as openrelationship (as I understand it, it's about open sex relation ship, not love). I write it here, cause I don't know where I could do it elsewhere. I hope I won't bother anybody. But i just need to share it. Please, I need no judgement against me or anybody involved in that story.

I did shit this weekend.

I'm in a relationship for now about 6 years. We have passed through dark and light moments as any couple that last that long.

For a few months, everything has gone well. I mean, very well. We never disput, we just live. But sometimes, live starts to be just routine and I think we could live so many stuff out there. Life is short, I'm curious, I wanna discover many things and hope my loved ones could to do the same to enjoy life to its deepest. I'm someone very open minded and I started thinking about open relationship a few months before. Cause in my idealism dream, a relationship isn't defined by what happens in our bed and what happens in the bed don't define your feelings.

This week-end we get out, first time since a long time with my BF and some friends to an outside party. There was that girl, my BF starts to spoke to the night along, and at a time we were all drunk I don't know why, I watched them: she was pretty and I felt like she was a trustable person. They seem to please each other so I start telling my BF "well, if you want, you can have more with her, I'm OK". And I told him maybe 4 times. I almost litteraly threw him in her arms.

A few hours later I was so drunk my best friend put me into a taxi to get home.

The next morning I woke up and he, my BF, wasn't here next to me. So I started to understand. At that point, that didn't bother me. I told him I was OK and I was OK.

He came back in the afternoon. I asked him. He told me what I expected he had pass the night by her. Still it was OK. And then he started to cry, to feel deep anger. Saying he didn't understand why I said nothing, why I wasn't jealous. I told him what i thought and I told you. So then he started, always crying of anger, saying he has always been loyal and that his behaviour disgusted him, that it has never been him. I was drunk, in a goood mood and I wanted him to be happy. He was drunk and he thought that I told him to do whatever he wanted to provocate him. So at that point I understood I did shit. That I should have discuss that before with him. . That I should have seen it wasn't in his values. But still he did what he did, I know and I'm OK. I did the choice and did he as well.

But at that time we're lost. I know he loves me and I love him. But we've questionned ourselves all along the week-end. And not only about that night actually, but about many things in our couple, and also about simply ourselves, we hadn't discussed for a long time. He told me how he thinks he has the sentation to prevent me of moving forward, I told him how I think he makes me grow up. He told me how he's dealing with so many relatvies problems he never speak to me about. He only blames himself and so do I. We ended up tonight, he went back to his home and asked me to let him a few weeks of reflexions, not about us, but about him and what he's done.

Next to that, the girl was very embarassed for me, she called me to apologize, she was very confused through she knew (he told her) I was OK. And next to that, my bestfriend, through I explained her the whole situation, has started to fear for me and started get angry at my BF which hurted him more than I thought. It took huge proportions I feel very very stupid to havn't seen it coming. I did shit. What a dumbass I am. I don't understand what the fuck was the matter with me that night. Really. Please don't juge me, I already juge myself enough. And don't judge them, him and her, they already juge themselves enough.

And now, to top it all, I start feeling bad thinking at what happened between him and her. I can't even assume that choice anymore. I can't get the fuck why I did that. I thought about open relationship many times before, I did think that I wanted to discuss it with him but now I get haunted by the idea of her smell in my BF shirt the afternoon. I love freedom, for me and all the people I love I wish freedom and happyness.

This felt like freedom, in the paper, in my dreams, but now it feels more like self-destruction. What is wrong with me ? :'(

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Swann,

To me it sounds like all three of you (you, your boyfriend, and the other woman) are experiencing some of the effects of monogamous conditioning. That is, all three of you have been taught (since you were very young) that monogamy is the only kind of healthy romantic relationship, that nonmonogamy is always wrong, bad, evil, corrupt, unhealthy. I think all three of you are having a hard time letting go of that programming. You need a new relationship model in your minds, a model based on consent. That is, the rightness of a relationship is not based on the number of people in the relationship, but rather on whether there was consent by all the people involved in the relationship. In your case, all three people consented. You consented to let your boyfriend sleep with the other woman, your boyfriend consented to do it, and she consented to let him do it. So, you were all consenting. Ergo, none of you did anything wrong. But you have to be able to realize and believe that, and therein lies the difficulty.

I guess my advice to you, is to start learning all you can about polyamory, from people who are living it. Your first and most obvious step would be, to read a lot of the threads on this forum, and post more of your questions along the way. You may also find the Poly FAQ page to be useful. I also want to recommend a couple of books. First, "Opening Up: a guide to creating and sustaining open relationships," by Tristan Taormino. And second, "Sex at Dawn: how we mate, why we stray, and what it means for modern relationships," by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá. Actually you may want to read Sex at Dawn first, it will do a good job of shaking you loose from all of that monogamous brainwashing. Humans are nonmonogamous by design, monogamy is a relatively new and artificial construct in the human experience. Sex at Dawn discusses that phenomenon, and may help you understand your own ideals and experience.

I'm sorry you're feeling down about yourself. I hope I can help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[FallenAngelina]

Please, I need no judgement against me or anybody involved in that story.
....Please don't juge me, I already juge myself enough. And don't judge them, him and her, they already juge themselves enough.

What kind of judgement are you worried about? What are your specific judgements of yourself? You mention this a number of times, so it's clearly a central concern for you. What is your specific fear?

 

[GalaGirl]

Sounds like you and BF discovered you have different thoughts, values, and ideas about intimacy. And maybe exploring "Open" while drunk is not the way to do it. I see you feel bad, and I'm not judging. Just saying if you both decide to try again... slow down and do some reading first. At minimum do the worksheets at

http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/

and do some reading about Open. (You seem to want Open more than Poly).

REALLY talk to each other. To me that is what jumped out. That even before this happened you haven't been talking about what's been going on inside.

He told me what I expected he had pass the night by her. Still it was OK. And then he started to cry, to feel deep anger. Saying he didn't understand why I said nothing, why I wasn't jealous. I told him what i thought and I told you. So then he started, always crying of anger, saying he has always been loyal and that his behaviour disgusted him, that it has never been him. I was drunk, in a goood mood and I wanted him to be happy. He was drunk and he thought that I told him to do whatever he wanted to provocate him.

Sounds like you thought you were being generous so he'd be happy. Is he unhappy? Or because you thought he'd return the gesture and that's waht you want to be happy?

Sounds like he didn't take it that way -- like a generous gesture. He also didn't take it calmly like "Thanks, but no thanks." He was angry you didn't seem to care, and then maybe pursued the woman from anger rather than from an actual desire to explore anything. And now is upset with himself and regretting it. Which in turn has you upset and regretting it.

But at that time we're lost. I know he loves me and I love him. But we've questionned ourselves all along the week-end. And not only about that night actually, but about many things in our couple, and also about simply ourselves, we hadn't discussed for a long time. He told me how he thinks he has the sentation to prevent me of moving forward, I told him how I think he makes me grow up. He told me how he's dealing with so many relatvies problems he never speak to me about. He only blames himself and so do I. We ended up tonight, he went back to his home and asked me to let him a few weeks of reflexions, not about us, but about him and what he's done.

Why has it been a long time since you guys really talked to each other?

Is this why you thought he needed to be happy? You observed him walking around gloomy? Not knowing he was dealing with heavy stuff on his own?

I wonder why he didn't he tell you what's going on with his family?

But sometimes, live starts to be just routine and I think we could live so many stuff out there. Life is short, I'm curious, I wanna discover many things and hope my loved ones could to do the same to enjoy life to its deepest. I'm someone very open minded and I started thinking about open relationship a few months before. Cause in my idealism dream, a relationship isn't defined by what happens in our bed and what happens in the bed don't define your feelings.

I also wonder why you didn't tell him about what's been going on with your inside life above? That you are getting kinda bored with the usual routine and have been wanting to consider open relationships.

Maybe now that you ARE talking more to each other you could continue and sort all that out? REALLY talk.

GL!
Galagirl