Heartbroken. Girlfriend of two years broke up with me to be monogamous. So hurt.

J

JacobTV

New member
I’m married to my wife for 5 years, had been with my girlfriend for 2.

She just broke up with me to explore a romance with someone she just met a few weeks ago at work. I’m so heartbroken right now. I almost can’t stand it. I tried so hard with her. I offered and gave her everything besides that stupid piece of paper. Reasons why she broke up with me:

-she wants to get married someday. I told her so many times we couldn’t get married legally, but could do a commitment ceremony or binding. It would be so meaningful to us if not the rest of the world, which is what really matters. We’d even have kids and she’d move in.

-she feels like there is a hierarchy because I’ve known my wife longer and were married. It’s true, our lives are more intertwined, but that doesn’t make my gf second to me. I loved her so much. I spent so much time with her. I’ve shown her more affection than I ever have anyone (including my wife). Still she felt second.

-she’s worried about being in the closet. I’m already out to all my friends and family. They know about her. She worries about people that don’t matter like from my job. There is some secrecy there, but I don’t care about those people at all. I’m just protecting my job.

I don’t know what I did wrong. She says she loves me, but this other guy at least has the potential to marry her and give her a normal life where she can be completely free and open. I worry it’s my fault. I wanted her to move in so bad and be a family. I was scared of losing her so I didn’t want her dating anyone else... now she’s left me anyway.

Was my love so bad and unfulfilling? I really tried to hard, everyday to make her happy.
 
Polyamory isn't for her...

You cannot offer her something important to her. Let her move on with her life and search for her happiness.
 
I'm sorry to hear about the break up. Those are never fun.

She says she loves me, but this other guy at least has the potential to marry her and give her a normal life where she can be completely free and open.
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She says loves you. It's just that she wants things you cannot provide like legal marriage. Also sounds like she prefers monogamy from your title.

Love alone is not enough to sustain a relationship. There must be other things for deep compatibility. If you want polyamory and she wants monogamy? It a fundamental incompatibility. It's just not going to lead to deep compatibility.

But even when necessary it still stinks to break up, and I can imagine things are very hard for you right now.

I hope in time you find healing and start to feel better. :(

Galagirl
 
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JacobTV said:
-she wants to get married someday. I told her so many times we couldn’t get married legally, but could do a commitment ceremony or binding. It would be so meaningful to us if not the rest of the world, which is what really matters. [...] she’s worried about being in the closet. I’m already out to all my friends and family. They know about her. She worries about people that don’t matter like from my job. There is some secrecy there, but I don’t care about those people at all.
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She left because those things *do* matter to her, even if they don't matter to you. I'm wondering if minimizing those things also made her feel minimized in general, especially because she wasn't supposed to date and find those things elsewhere.

At any rate, I agree with Dagferi. She wants something you aren't able to give. Time to let her go.
 
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I'm sorry, I'm going to be harsh, because this is personal to me.
JacobTV said:
I don’t know what I did wrong. She says she loves me, but this other guy at least has the potential to marry her and give her a normal life where she can be completely free and open. I worry it’s my fault. I wanted her to move in so bad and be a family. I was scared of losing her so I didn’t want her dating anyone else... now she’s left me anyway.
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Do I understand it right that you wanted her to move in with you AND YOUR WIFE and consider that starting a family? Did you try to mould her to adapt to your life, not even considering whether you are adapting to her life to the same extent?

You had a wife yourself, and you were not okay with her dating? Were you expecting her to accept you being polyamorous, while forbidding her to try the bright side of polyamory herself? How is that double standard okay?

And you don't know why she left?

Dude, it's not your fault, but you should at least try to see her point of view. If she wants a traditional relationship, how is your offer advantageous to her?
 
Yes you could have a commitment ceremony but that wtill does not give her the legal protection that comes with legal marriage. If something were to happen to you she would have no leg to stand on regarding your estate.

I have had to jump through some big legal hoops to protect Murf in the case of my death. Even then there could be a chance of Butch wanted to be a dick he could make things ugly since my state is a community property state.

Why should she move into you and your wife's home? It would never be her house. She would never get a say in decoration and etc. I like my house to be to my tastes not live with someone else's rules or preferences.

I won't even get into the kid issues due to differing parenting styles. How would you cover the children on your insurance?

You need to see beyond the rose colored glasses.
 
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Hello JacobTV,

I am really sorry to hear that your girlfriend is breaking up with you. Two years is a lot to just throw away. I can't imagine the pain you must be going through right now. You deserve better than this. Your girlfriend deserves better, she could have had so much if she just would have stayed with you. I know she has reasons why she left, but they seem like poor reasons in light of your explanations about them. Is there maybe some other reason why she is leaving you, something she hasn't disclosed? It's no wonder that you worry if it is your fault. That just makes the breakup even more painful.

The way she seems to talk is very monogamous. A marriage is no good unless it's written on a piece of paper. If the other woman has that piece of paper then it's a hierarchy. Being out to friends and family is no good unless one is also out to one's coworkers. All of this adds up to wanting a marriage with all of the traditional monogamous trimmings. Perhaps the bottom line is she just didn't want to be poly, she didn't want to be in a poly situation/relationship with anybody. And maybe she didn't realize that at first, but two years of attempting a poly life brought it home to her.

I'm sorry, I know this is the very thing you tried to prevent, it is like your worst fears coming true. Since you are polyamorous, it makes sense that it would be hard for you to understand her monogamous thinking. Try to understand it as best you can, don't let this breakup leave you bitter inside. You're going to hurt a lot for a long time, that part is unavoidable, but try not to let that hurt turn into bitterness. You loved her, try to continue to love her, and wish her the best, in whatever way she needs to pursue that for her. It's like Sting says, "If you love somebody, set them free."

With sympathy,
Kevin T.
 
Thank you, everyone.
I do need to hear some of this.
I just can’t understand why she couldn’t value my love. She would say that she felt like I was embarrassed of her because I wasn’t out at work and didn’t have any pictures of us on Facebook. I just don’t post a lot. There are some of my wedding in there, but that’s it. I’m not completely out but I need to earn a living. She’s the most beautiful woman I’ve ever been wth... I wish I could show her off more. Other men have come up to me and said I’m lucky to have her and I knew it was true.
I loved her SO much and tried to make up for this in other ways.
Spoiling her. Cooking for her all the time. Being extra affectionate.

It hurts so much because t seems like it was all worthless to her. My love was worthless just because I was married.
I’ve had that problem before wth girlfriends treating me as less than because I’m married.it really hurts. I’m a human being.

Sorry I’m just miserable right now.
 
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People value different things. It sounds like she valued things that you don't. That doesn't make either of you wrong, it just makes you incompatible.

It's not wrong of her to want to be out everywhere. If that's important to her, and you can't provide it, then ultimately she won't be happy.

It's OK for her to want to have a monogamous relationship that might lead to marriage. It's OK for her not to want to just move in with you and your wife.

I'm sorry you're hurting. You should think about what Tinwen said, though. Denying her the ability to date others when you yourself had two partners, out of fear? Not cool.

But honestly- if you genuinely can't understand and accept that she values things differently and that it is okay for her to do so, I suspect you're going to continue to have problems in future relationships. Not everyone is like you, and that's what makes the world such an interesting place. What you offered had value, but that doesn't mean it's going to overcome a fundamental relationship style difference!

The melodrama isn't going to help you heal, either. Your love wasn't worthless to her or I'm sure she wouldn't have stayed with you for two years. It's that she realized that ultimately the relationship doesn't meet her needs, and she was honest with you about that. Respect her for taking care of herself, and work on healing your heart.
 
I get that you are sad from breaking up.

Could still step back and listen to how that sounds:

I loved her SO much and tried to make up for this in other ways.
Spoiling her. Cooking for her all the time. Being extra affectionate.
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All she wants is a brownie. You cannot provide that. Try to make it up to her by providing vanilla milkshake and oatmeal cookie. Extra hugs.

Doesn't make her want brownie any less. Now she just has stuff she might not even want or be into. Or stuff she likes too... but it is still not brownie.

It hurts so much because t seems like it was all worthless to her. My love was worthless just because I was married.
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It's not worthless. She TOLD you she loves you. BELIEVE her.

Just no brownies here in this situation. So she has chosen to change her situation.

Rather than make yourself crazy like its your fault for not being enough or her fault for not valuing what you offer... could call it what it is. A personal limit reached because you guys ultimately want very different things. And what you can offer each other doesn't entirely line up.

Initially compatible, but not deeply compatible. Went as far as it could go and then came to the end of the road. Limit reached.

I’ve had that problem before with girlfriends treating me as less than because I’m married.it really hurts. I’m a human being.
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She is not your other girlfriends. She is HER. Just because she's come to a personal limit and needs to part ways doesn't mean she's treating you less than.

Or maybe she IS treating you less than, and that adds to the incompatibility.

Only you know. YOU are the one there.

I was scared of losing her so I didn’t want her dating anyone else... now she’s left me anyway.
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Why scared of "losing" her? Do you get some sort of relationship anxiety? Are you good at breaking up and taking care of yourself post break up? :confused:

Whether dating mono or poly... some don't even make it to a second date. Some are initially compatible, but not deeply compatible. Not all of them are going to be long haul runners.

Again... I'm very sorry you are hurting. I hope in time you start to feel better.

Galagirl
 
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Im sorry you're in pain, break ups suck.

I hope my advice isn't too blunt.


-she wants to get married someday. I told her so many times we couldn’t get married legally, but could do a commitment ceremony or binding. It would be so meaningful to us if not the rest of the world, which is what really matters. We’d even have kids and she’d move in.
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I understand the feeling of it feeling important. I get sad when I can't legally (or, even where I am, no paperwork filed marriage is still not legal) to B. We're doing a very private handfasting (in a different dang country) anyways because it's what we can do, and the emotions matter to us more. But it still sucks that that is denied to us. Especially because it means we can't actually have the whole shebang of a wedding. While we on one hand are okay with not having the whole big deal, we both kinda do want it. The ceremony, the aisle, the everyone there to witness. It makes it too risky legal wise. But sometimes you WANT the pictures and the fanfare at least even on a tiny scale.

Not to mention, in many places, a legal marriage provides a lot of protection for people financially and in family law, etc. Ignoring the legal protections alone is something that isn't fair to shake a stick at. Your ex had her reasons for it being important.

My question is, why did she start dating a married person if she wanted legal marriage?

she feels like there is a hierarchy because I’ve known my wife longer and were married. It’s true, our lives are more intertwined, but that doesn’t make my gf second to me. I loved her so much. I spent so much time with her. I’ve shown her more affection than I ever have anyone (including my wife). Still she felt second.
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Firstly, WHY did you show her more than anyone? Why does anyone deserve to be second? Why should your wife feel okay with being second instead of equal? That seems pretty unfair of you. And then to say "she'd move in we'd have kids" makes me question how your wife fits into this dynamic? If you can make her basically it appears a secondary, then maybe it could have made your gf thing that you'd en up doing the same to her (and any future kids) too?

She says she loves me, but this other guy at least has the potential to marry her and give her a normal life where she can be completely free and open. I worry it’s my fault. I wanted her to move in so bad and be a family. I was scared of losing her so I didn’t want her dating anyone else... now she’s left me anyway.
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She's a mono person and that's okay. That is no ones fault. There were red flags it sounds like you BOTH ignored that pointed to this.
Poly can't or won't make her happy. That is a fundamental incompatibility.

She wasn't wrong for doing what's right for /her/.
 
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Yeah, Jacob, when you mentioned that you didn't want your girlfriend to date anyone else, and you also mentioned that you basically treated your girlfriend better than your wife, you lost me.

What possible reason would your girlfriend want to come live with you and your wife? You didn't mention anything about a triad. Plus, you didn't say anything about how your wife would have felt about this. Would you be as accepting of your wife moving in her boyfriend? If not, why?

Yes, it hurts, but it's painful to watch you denigrate your former girlfriend's feeling towards you, and you are really painting her in a bad light. Relationships end all the time by just running their natural course.
 
powerpuffgrl1969 said:
...you also mentioned that you basically treated your girlfriend better than your wife, you lost me.

What possible reason would your girlfriend want to come live with you and your wife? You didn't mention anything about a triad. Plus, you didn't say anything about how your wife would have felt about this. Would you be as accepting of your wife moving in her boyfriend? If not, why?
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Also, tbh, it really sounds like you DID make a hierarchy but in a very unhealthy way. You shoved your wife to second place in affection...and in how beautiful you view her. Like...I dunno. If either of my partners didn't value how I look and scaled it as "person X is more beautiful that you or anyone" I'd be hurt. Like it's all well and good to say "they are both beautiful in their own ways and thus their variation makes them BOTH beautiful" or even adding in that you valued both of their time and selves equally is different... but to simply be like "here is my trophy girlfriend she's amazing and the hottest ever" as well as paying her the most attention....Your wife has a patience I absolutely do not.

Maybe instead of focusing on how much you're heartbroken; look at what DID go wrong, what you did do wrong (it sounds like you were very insecure and that you wanted her to move in to simply not leave you.), being unable to have a fair split of affection (hierarchies change. But this sounds less like an evolution everyone would have been okay with) which leaves at least on partner out in the cold, sympathy/empathy for another partners concerns and emotions (she had wants/needs/concerns and it doesn't sound like they were addressed or valued)...go through your end and evolve and improve and grow. Reconnect with your NP and strengthen that relationship.

Seeing a person with strong relationships makes me want to trust them more. Because if they can be happy and healthy and strong in those relationships it really paints that picture that we can have the same if we're compatible.

We can only control ourselves and our actions and behaviors. Wallowing is okay for a bit. It can be therapeutic to wallow a bit and let ourselves feel BAD because breakups HURT. But you are also an adult with another partner who is there to love and support you and you are there to love and support them; we are all at the stage of the game where we can't fall apart because we have adult lives and responsibilities. Please remember that.
 
Re (from JacobTV):
"It hurts so much because it seems like it was all worthless to her. My love was worthless just because I was married.

I've had that problem before with girlfriends treating me as less than because I'm married. It really hurts. I'm a human being."
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You make a good point ... getting married is not a crime. You don't deserve to be punished. Your feelings count. Yet, punishment is what is happening to you. You are being treated as if your love was of no worth. As if marriage is the only thing that matters.

Please know that you have value. You have worth. You are a worthwhile human being. You deserve some happiness in life. If your girlfriend cannot see that, maybe others in the future will.

That is my hope for you.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I am sorry that you are hurting.

Like some of the others, I wonder if your objection to her dating others (and all the baggage that implies) was your undoing. That would be a deal-breaker for me...

The "piece of paper" is important to some people - there are "real-world" consequences - both legal and social.

"Moving in" is not the same as "having a home together" - perhaps having a "shared custody" model would have been more attractive? (a separate home with girlfriend and another with legal wife)

Perhaps you were "trying so hard" but NOT in the ways that mattered to her...only in the ways that YOU felt were important? I get the sense that what "really matters" to you and to her are not the same!?
 
Hi Jacob,

I've been thinking about your situation, and I've realized that you've done a lot for your girlfriend. Here are just some of the things:

  • You offered to do a commitment ceremony with her. It would be meaningful to you and her and that's what matters.
  • You offered to have kids with her.
  • You offered to have her move in with you.
  • You wanted so badly for her to move in and be a family.
  • You loved her a lot.
  • You spent a lot of time with her.
  • You tried really hard, every day, to make her happy.
  • You've shown her more affection than you ever have anyone else. Including your wife.
  • You're out about her to all of your friends and family. People from your job don't matter.
  • You'd show her off more if you could.
You've done all of the above for her, and the only kind of thanks she has given in return, is, to dump you. To break your heart. All because of one little thing. A piece of paper.

She treats you like you've done something wrong. Like your love was bad, unfulfilling, and of no value. It's unfair. It's completely unfair.

And then, while you are here suffering, she is over there having a blast with her new beau. All because he *might* marry her.

Am I understanding your situation correctly? What will you do about it? What *can* you do about it? Is there a way to make things fair again? I know you still love her. How can you show her your love?

I have to admit, I'm a little worried. We haven't heard from you in quite a few days. Are you still with us? Are you hanging in there? What is going on right now? Can you give us an update?

I'm very sorry that you're still hurting.
Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
You've done all of the above for her, and the only kind of thanks she has given in return, is, to dump you. To break your heart. All because of one little thing. A piece of paper.

She treats you like you've done something wrong. Like your love was bad, unfulfilling, and of no value. It's unfair. It's completely unfair.
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I dunno Kevin. I agree with a lot of what you say but I don't think this is fair at all to the OP's ex girlfriend. If it's not a "little thing" to her, then why is that not valid to you? Isn't she allowed to have her own values for what is important in her life and what she wants out of her own relationship(s)?

I feel like the way you are trying to validate the OP is most certainly reinforcing that it was not in fact okay for the ex girlfriend to want something different out of her life, because she isn't fitting into the box OP made for her in his life, and that feels icky to me to be honest.

We also haven't seen that she's actually treating the OP like his love was bad. Just that she wanted something different. I don't see how her having her own wants and desires is unfair.
 
I can't disagree, Vicki, you're making good points. The (ex-) girlfriend's perspective may be totally different from that of the OP, we don't have any posts from her here (and only two posts from him). The real sticking point seems to be that she values marriage a lot more than he does, and as far as that goes I am neutral, but I wanted to express an understanding viewpoint.

This is purely hypothetical, but I wonder if Jacob would be willing to divorce his wife, in order to make himself available for marriage with the girlfriend. Obviously that would depend on how thrilled his wife would be with that proposition ...

But if marriage really doesn't matter ...

(or does it)
 
The OP was actually treating his wife like the second-class citizen. I think he just came here to vent and get some sympathy. Since things didn't turn out that way, he disappeared.
 
Why is the GF's feelings valid and the OP's not?

This is one of the pitfalls of dating monogamous people. They don't always take the relationship seriously. For some it's just a placeholder until a more traditional possibility comes along.

I'm not going to search it out but we had a thread here awhile back where a woman convinced herself that her relationship with a married man couldn't go anywhere. Because of that she refused to put any effort into the relationship.
 
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