How do I say this?

O

openmarriage42

New member
My husband was the first to bring the idea to the table. He told me he wanted to be with someone other than me. That felt hurtful, but over many months of talking, I have come to terms with it.

I would love for him to experience life outside our house. But how do you go about doing this? Most people know we are married and the ladies don't want any part of it.

As for me, I am bi-curious and don't mind the idea of swapping. But again, same issue. People want single people.

So my question is: how do we go about finding couples or individuals who are interested in the same things we are?
 
openmarriage42 said:
My husband wanted to be with someone other than me... How do you go about doing this? Most people know we are married, and the ladies don't want any part of it. I don't mind the idea of swapping, but again, same issue. How do we go about finding couples or individuals that are interested in the same things?
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There is a thread:

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2835

It has a lot of great tips for finding people.
 
That's great. But I guess what I am looking for are clubs or something that we can go in and meet people in person, face to face. We have tried the websites, and they all seem to be players of a sort, saying they'll meet, then standing you up.
 
openmarriage42 said:
I am looking for clubs, [where] we can meet people in person. We have tried the websites... they say they'll meet, then stand you up.
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That is in that thread too, somewhere, but your best bet is to try:

1. Find a local poly group
2. Find a "lifestyle" club. These come in many forms. There can be mixed clubs for polyamorists, swingers, BDSM practitioners, etc., so you have to search.
3. This one is rarely mentioned. Hit up a local sex toy shop and see if there are any hidden groups in your area.
4. Fetlife.com, a BDSM site, also might have strong poly groups in some areas. You might find a "poly munch" available to go to.
5. Go out to a bar, or socialize together, meet and talk to new people. Let them know your interest, make new friends, and go from there.
 
TruckerPete said:
*mind blown* This never even crossed my mind. Thank you!
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My pleasure. Like I said, I don't think many people think of it. If they don't know of poly, they might know closed swingers groups or open support groups. I found one in town, but, umm... the age range was a little older than my desires.
 
TruckerPete said:
*mind blown* This never even crossed my mind. Thank you!
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It wouldn't cross my mind, either. I certainly wouldn't go looking for a poly group at a sex shop. I used to manage an adult shop. We had folks from the fetish community in, we had folks from the swinging community in. We had no folks from any poly group come in, of which I'm aware (and any requests to post info, yada yada yada had to have my approval).

I have to say I wouldn't visit any poly group that had posted info in a sex shop. That suggests to me the folks in it are more interested in meat-market dating, looking for hookups, and I'm not interested in that.
 
I guess I just see a lot of crossover in the area. Most poly people I have met now are non-monogamous, or ex-swingers, or still swingers.
 
AutumnalTone said:
It wouldn't cross my mind, either. I certainly wouldn't go looking for a poly group at a sex shop. I used to manage an adult shop. We had folks from the fetish community in, we had folks from the swinging community in. We had no folks from any poly group come in of which I'm aware (and any requests to post info, yada yada yada had to have my approval).

I have to say I wouldn't visit any poly group that had posted info in a sex shop. That suggests to me the folks in it are more interested in meat-market dating and looking for hookups, and I'm not interested in that.
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I have to agree not into the meat-market type dating, but maybe they list social clubs and such like in there, or know of some in the area. I guess, like I said, I have tried the websites, to no avail, have gotten nowhere. So I was hoping there was a way to locate clubs via the board. Unfortunately not, as I have got the run-around on here also. Guess I'll just shelve this and put it aside.
 
AutumnalTone said:
It wouldn't cross my mind, either. I certainly wouldn't go looking for a poly group at a sex shop. I used to manage an adult shop. We had folks from the fetish community in, we had folks from the swinging community in. We had no folks from any poly group come in, of which I'm aware.

I have to say I wouldn't visit any poly group that had posted info in a sex shop. That suggests to me the folks in it are more interested in hookups, and I'm not interested in that.
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That wouldn't be my first reaction. I would think someone is trying to get word out in a place that is already accepting of a wide variety of alternative lifestyles. But yes, the hookup thing could be true.
 
What sites are you on? OKCupid has proven to be the most poly-friendly I have known. Most of my poly community here (on this forum), and in my area, are on there. Plentyoffish is the second, but is more for hookups and "open relationships" (casual sex).

Never say never, though. I met my bf Mono there. He hadn't heard of polyamory when we first met. Sometime a whole lot of educating is needed first, before meeting.
 
Ariakas said:
Most poly people I have met now are already non-monogamous.
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Every poly person I've met has been non-monogamous! :p

And most I've met have not done any swinging. To be precise, they haven't mentioned any, and I imagine openly poly folk aren't going to be in the closet about other non-monogamous things. There may be some few who would admit to one and not the other, though I can't say as I'm aware of any.
 
In my life in general, I've found that being vocal about everything I am interested in has rewarded me.

I'm openly poly in my life. I'm a political activist and don't mind talking about my philosophy. Both of those things are important to me so I mention them to friends, family or anybody else in my life who cares about me enough to have the conversation.

There are "closet cases" everywhere. I've had people that I totally didn't expect respond to my discussion of poly. I have a knack for finding people interested in poly (and in BDSM for the same reason) or open relationships.

It's very likely that people around you are, or are considering, an open relationship who are too uncomfortable broaching the topic. To all of those people you look like the "dedicated mono couple" that you're ruling out because you don't know. :)
 
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