Open relation and having problems with one of the girls my bf is dating

[Bembem]

Hello everyone,

i am new to this forum, i did read some other threads first to see if i could get some usefull advice from answers there, but obviously every situation is different.

I will try to give enough details so i can hoply get some fair and honoust advice from more experienced people.

I am a girl in here late twenties, my boyfriend is close to mid 30. We have been together for almost 1,5 year now and started our relation as an open relationship allthough we both never had one. The situation wasn;t perfect from the start, because i was sick at the moment our relation started and more emotional then useall. However my boyfriend wasn't looking for an relation at the point we dated, but after 4 months we did notice that we wanted more the we had, So that was the point that we decided to have an open relation.

Ofcourse we both knew it would be easy and we we would get problems. That happened, but most problems we did solve by communicating a lot. Due to the fact i got more healt problems we even closed it for a while, because i was risking blindness on 1 eye, and didn't want to have the extra stress. My boyfriend was understanding about that.

we both agreed on the fact that we were okay with an open relation, but didn't feel the need to have 2 relations, so besides each other we could have short term contacts but also longer term contacts, as long as it wouldn't look like a relation and we would be open if there would get more feeling involved with another person, so it would be possible to end things with the other person.

My boyfriend had sex with several girls meanwhile, none of them have been a problem except 1.

He is already dating the same girl for about 12 months or so. They are seeing each other every 2 weeks. He was already with this girl when we closed the relations for a period, but they did see each other in the mean time without having sex or kissing. The idea was more that they meet up as friends in that time. After we opened things again, the continued seeing each other, but started to develop feelings. Since i already feel threatened by this for a few months we first discussed that they would continue as friends.

My boyfriend suggested this, but the other girl started to cry because she didn't want it. After my boyfriend told me about that i said that we could try to figure out what would be possible then. So i was looking for a way that i would feel safe in our open relation, but my bf and the other girl didn't had to quit having contact. Step 1 was that my bf would talk to the girl to ask what was going on and why it would be a problem to be just friends. Then the girl said that she didn't like to be painted into a corner and that she didn't like it that i had control over how they would have contact with each other.

From that point on i didn't get much more information about the situation untill i started asking about it. I also had no clue that they just went back to seeing each other every 2 weeks and having sex again. That i something i found out 2 months later. In the meantime we did continue talking about how to fix the situation. I suggested that they would see each other less. however that was also not possible because the girl didn't want to see each other less. Now me and my bf have been discussing this situation several times, but the girl only wants to keep what she has now. Yesterday i found out that girl recently also got emotional because she doesn't now what she has with my boyfriend and because she prefers to have more time with him. However i know that she also has problems with her health and some other personnel issues. So the outburst was probably a combination of dissatifaction on several points in her live

I strongly feel that something needs to change about this situation, because for me it looks like too much feelings are getting involved from both sides and i don't feel safe with that anymore. Besides that i find it very frustrating that i try to come up with option, but the answer on everything is no.

My bf did tell me that if we don't come to a sollution he would end things with the other girls, allthoug it will hurt her and him, but he doesn't want to loose me.

I would like to have advice on the above situation.

Perhaps also a tip about how to get less emotional when talking about this with my bf?

We also agreed that i will write a letter to the girl to explain my situation, any advice what i should and should not put in that letter?

Below i will give some extra details to hopefully get the situation more clear. And sorry for the long posts


Some additional information about the girl. She has never been in an open or polyamory relation, she did read about it and now she assured my boyfriend that she only wants to have an open relation with people from now on. She is seeing other guys, but feels less for the other guys because they already have a relation and others are not relation material in her eyes. She does believe that my boyfriend is relation material however, allthoug he also has a relation with me.

Some additional details;

- my bf also admitted that he sometimes gets jealous if she talks about the other man she dates. He never gets jealous for a long time, but the fact that this happens feels like he also has too much feeling for here

- allthough we agreed that dates would not meet his friends it did happen on accident. My Bf was out with friends and they bumped into each other. I can understand that in that situation he did introduce here to them. But then he hang with her and his friends, left his friends to spend the rest of the evening in bars with the girl and then at the end of the evening he went to here house. He never told me this untill recently. He does feel guilty about that though and nows it was wrong. I would have been more okay if he would just have had a conversation with here and the continued the evening with his friends. And it would have been better if he would have told it immediatly

- My bf and i do still feel like we can overcome this and still want to have a long term future with each other

 

[ElMango]

I've had meta issues...but Im not really sure where your issue with her is? She's new to poly but...what else? The only other reason I see are the fact you have some insecurities and fears. Like they're developing feelings for each other...that doesn't take love away from you.

Was she told you have veto power? Because if not then yeah, i can really understand her feelings about this. My V has zero veto power; we will talk about it and the decide our own actions. Even with J i voiced my opinion and then let their relationship do its thing. It wasn't easy or fun but we all learned from it.

Why are you writing a letter?

My sense is that you all have insecurities and issues you need to work on long before you're able to judge how compatible and functional this will be.

Things sound really tangled and messy on a personal and interpersonal level.

 

[PinkPig]

The thing is, you can't control how other people feel (nor should you try.) The hormones released during sex are designed to generate feelings and promote attachment...this is why many of us (myself included) can not regularly have sex with someone without developing attachments. This is one of a few reasons why I don't engage in casual sex. It doesn't work for me.

Now that it's happened, you're in a tough spot. You can certainly play the veto card and require that he break up with her. But breaking up won't stop the feelings he has for her...and it will likely cause resentment which will affect your relationship with your bf. Plus, it won't prevent him or the other women he's intimate with from developing feelings in the future...so you're likely to end up in this same position with a new girl.

That leaves the option of closing your relationship and becoming monogamous...but there again, that may cause resentment because (1) your bf is losing someone who is obviously important to him (the other girl) and (2) someone who prefers non-monogamy may not be happy long-term in a mono relationship.

Another option is that you can work on your feelings and stop trying to control their feelings. Root out the reasons why you find this girl particularly scary, examine them and see if you can work through them. If you're really ok with a sexually open relationship, it's quite possible that with some work, you may find that this other girl really isn't all that scary.

 

[Bembem]

I've had meta issues...but Im not really sure where your issue with her is? She's new to poly but...what else? The only other reason I see are the fact you have some insecurities and fears. Like they're developing feelings for each other...that doesn't take love away from you.

Was she told you have veto power? Because if not then yeah, i can really understand her feelings about this. My V has zero veto power; we will talk about it and the decide our own actions. Even with J i voiced my opinion and then let their relationship do its thing. It wasn't easy or fun but we all learned from it.

Why are you writing a letter?

My sense is that you all have insecurities and issues you need to work on long before you're able to judge how compatible and functional this will be.

Things sound really tangled and messy on a personal and interpersonal level.

Hello, thank you for your reply.

I think i am having a problem with this girl because she did tell my bf that she wants more contact between them. She knows about the fact that we have issues about this at the moment and told him that she think it is not ethical to hope that we break up. and for that reason she is not hoping that we break up. However it feels like she is hoping that she will get a relation with him while my bf and me said from the beginning that we would not have other serious relations, but more friends with benefits. He promised me that if too much feelings would get involved he would stop a contact. I agree that it is really hard to see where te line of too much is.

Might be good to say that we agreed upon an open relation for now, but we both feel that it might be too difficult to continue if we start living together, so we will probably close it then.

I am not sure if she knows i have veto. I also prefer to work it out with my boyfriend instead of forcing him to choose i guess

I am writing the letter to see if we can get more understanding for each other. Maybe if i explain how i am feeling and she does as well we will find out that the problem is not as big as it feels for me. Also write the letter so my bf doesn't have to explain my feelings to here, since he finds that difficult.

I agree insecurities and fears are a problem as well, but i am not sure how to overcome that while i am dealing with the fears and also dealing that i get sick again because of the stress it causes at the moment ( I have been sick for 3 years, and at the moment some problems are coming back again)

 

[Bembem]

The thing is, you can't control how other people feel (nor should you try.) The hormones released during sex are designed to generate feelings and promote attachment...this is why many of us (myself included) can not regularly have sex with someone without developing attachments. This is one of a few reasons why I don't engage in casual sex. It doesn't work for me.

Now that it's happened, you're in a tough spot. You can certainly play the veto card and require that he break up with her. But breaking up won't stop the feelings he has for her...and it will likely cause resentment which will affect your relationship with your bf. Plus, it won't prevent him or the other women he's intimate with from developing feelings in the future...so you're likely to end up in this same position with a new girl.

That leaves the option of closing your relationship and becoming monogamous...but there again, that may cause resentment because (1) your bf is losing someone who is obviously important to him (the other girl) and (2) someone who prefers non-monogamy may not be happy long-term in a mono relationship.

Another option is that you can work on your feelings and stop trying to control their feelings. Root out the reasons why you find this girl particularly scary, examine them and see if you can work through them. If you're really ok with a sexually open relationship, it's quite possible that with some work, you may find that this other girl really isn't all that scary.

Thank you for your explanation. I think you named several of my fears indeed. Allthough we do agree that we might go back to a closed relation later on. I think at the moment he is still in a position where he needs the open relation. Only doubt is we might be in the open relation for the wrong reason. He was sick for more then 10 years, so he felt like he missed the part of just dating around etc. that is the main reason.

Just wondering how you mean you are not into casual sex? How do you do it then?

Any kind of tips and tricks on how i can start controlling those feelings?

 

[GalaGirl]

I am going to call the other lady “Red” like a generic color. I have a hard time writing with no names. (If you want another name, I am happy to go with what you pick.)

I'm sorry you struggle.

I mean all this kindly ok?

I could be totally wrong in my impressions. I had a hard time following your posts for chronological order of happenings. FWIW?

• I'm not sure Red really wants to be doing open relationships or poly at all. You seem worried she's a cowgirl.

• You sound like you are only up for (Open to casual sex partners) not (polyamory). And even then it sounds like that's a concession to him wanting to just date around right now. Like at the end of it, you want a Closed relationship with just him. Is that true?

• You are trying to do all this with a BF who makes you feel unsafe in the relationship because he doesn't keep his agreements or keep his Word. You don't come right out and say it that way, but it sounds like he cheated on his agreements with you. Did he?

Those are the main problems. The additional problems I can see?

• He hasn't told Red you and him practice an Open primary-secondary model with a veto. (Why not?)
  
• He overloads you with his Red problems. You aren't dating Red. Why do you have to hear all about his Red stuff? Esp when it stresses you?
  
• You have a medical condition that gets worse with stress... and here's all this stress.

I also wonder if maybe you are putting it all on Red rather than on BF behavior where it belongs? Maybe because it's easier to think of her as the “outsider” and the source of the problems because you hear Red this and Red that from BF oversharing stuff?

Rather than taking a step back see how BF himself is behaving poorly and his behaviors are the main source of your stress?

From what I understand, you and BF both agreed to something like this:

• We are in an Open relationship.
• We are BF & GF -- we share love and sex with each other.
• We can have other short term or long term partners for sharing causal sex/ friends with benefits stuff.
• If it becomes more than FWB, we agree to end it with the outside partner.

I'm not into that, but if that is what you guys are into and agreed to? All your other partners are aware and good with that? That's the agreement then. IS Red good with that? She sounds like no.

What happened next?

I get a little lost on the time order of things but it basically sounds like the agreement with you and BF was Open, then Closed and then Open.

Two months into the second phase of "Open" is when you discovered he had been seeing her behind your back and against the agreements. He saw her when it was supposed to be Closed. He was supposed to give you a heads up if things were “getting emotional” and break it off with her. He didn't really do either.

From that point on i didn't get much more information about the situation untill i started asking about it. I also had no clue that they just went back to seeing each other every 2 weeks and having sex again. That i something i found out 2 months later.

Sounds like he lied to you and cheated on agreements. If that is true? No wonder you don't feel safe in the relationship then. He let you down. He's not keeping his Word and not being trustworthy.

Sounds like he's been telling you some stories -- like say one thing, do another.

Do you wonder if he is telling her stories too? Making agreements with each of you, saying whatever to keep you both around, and not keeping ANY of them?

Cuz right now it sounds like Red is getting upset with YOU for intruding on their side of the V... rather than at him for maybe not telling her that HE practices primary-secondary and she's not his primary. Or maybe not keeping his Word to her.

And you are getting upset with RED... rather than at him for not keeping his Word to you.

My bf and i do still feel like we can overcome this and still want to have a long term future with each other

How do you plan to do that if he doesn't keep his Word or agreements?

Allthough we do agree that we might go back to a closed relation later on. I think at the moment he is still in a position where he needs the open relation. Only doubt is we might be in the open relation for the wrong reason. He was sick for more then 10 years, so he felt like he missed the part of just dating around etc. that is the main reason.

Well.. ARE you doing it for the wrong reasons? What's that mean to him? To you?

What would be the "right" reasons? To him? To you?

If you and BF are doing Open for the wrong reasons? You could decide to stop participating in this because it's wrong to you. He can keep on doing wonky Open or wonky Poly on his own. You don't have to be there.

She has never been in an open or polyamory relation, she did read about it and now she assured my boyfriend that she only wants to have an open relation with people from now on. She is seeing other guys, but feels less for the other guys because they already have a relation and others are not relation material in her eyes. She does believe that my boyfriend is relation material however, allthoug he also has a relation with me.

Did she know she was participating in an Open relationship from the beginning? Or she thought it was something else?

I am not sure if she knows i have veto.

He didn't tell her that you guys practice Open with a veto? That's a pretty big thing to leave out.

I cannot see you or Red feeling happy about him not mentioning that. Does he leave things out a lot?

SUGGESTION

At this time? Do NOT move in with your BF. Maintain your own home space.

I am writing the letter to see if we can get more understanding for each other. Maybe if i explain how i am feeling and she does as well we will find out that the problem is not as big as it feels for me. Also write the letter so my bf doesn't have to explain my feelings to here, since he finds that difficult.

Do not write Red letters. Let BF deal with his Red problems himself.

If the bottom line is that you do not want to practice poly, and he's changed the whole deal on you? Don't sign up for the new deal. Your consent to participate belongs to you. If you do not want to take a trip in this new direction? He is free to go without you. That's not making him choose. That YOU choosing what bus ride YOU want be riding on. Don't write letters to the other passengers. Just get off the bus.

I agree insecurities and fears are a problem as well, but i am not sure how to overcome that while i am dealing with the fears and also dealing that i get sick again because of the stress it causes at the moment ( I have been sick for 3 years, and at the moment some problems are coming back again)

Make your health and well being your #1 priority. Reduce your stress.

Dating a BF should not be making you so stressed out you get sicker! That's not a healthy approach to relationships. If he stresses you out this so much, stop picking him out to date.

My bf did tell me that if we don't come to a sollution he would end things with the other girls, allthoug it will hurt her and him, but he doesn't want to loose me.

I would like to have advice on the above situation.

Well... since you asked? I think that's a cop out. He already had that agreement with you. That if things got too heavy and involved with another partner, he'd dump them. Still not dumping Red. Just dragging it out. It's not nice to dump her like that, but it's not nice to make and then cheat on agreements with you either. Easier just to not make them in the first place and tell you "No. I'm not promising to Close and no, I'm not promising not to have other GFs. I want poly."

You all sound like you want different things. Rather than trying to keep it going by force? Maybe become more ok letting go. Esp if going around in circles is stressy and affecting your health.

I don't know what you have and you don't have to say on the internet, but almost going blind in one eye sounds serious. So please take care of you!

Galagirl

 

[Dagferi]

The other gf is not the problem. Your boyfriend is and you need to focus all your angst on him not her.

He is the one breaking your agreements and allowing his other relationship to bleed into yours. He is the problem not her. You are an adult and need not have anything to do with her or hear about her if you wish. She is not in a relationship with you and does not owe you a thing. She doesn't have to play by your rules imposed upon her without her consent and she is allowed to ask for changes and considerations in HER relationship. It is up to your boyfriend if he wants to change things. If this upsets you, you are able then to decide whether you want to continue your relationship with him.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Bembem,

From what you have said here so far, I gather that you and your boyfriend originally agreed that you would see and have sex with other people without developing feelings for those other people (FWB at the most), and that if either of you did develop feelings for someone, you would break up with that person. Then your boyfriend developed feelings for the new girl, but did not break up with her as he had originally agreed to do. As a compromise, you suggested that he could continue to share feelings with the new girl, but as platonic friends. However, when he presented that suggestion to her, she cried because she still wanted the sex and romance, so that idea was blown out of the water. And now you are in a state of limbo where he is continuing to see her and have feelings for her, despite his original agreement. In fact she is asking him to see her even more often (than once every two weeks).

Based on your original agreement, I am thinking that the best solution -- given that you and your boyfriend want to continue with each other -- is for your boyfriend to break up with the new girl altogether. Not even be platonic friends with her, just erase her from his life. This solution will make neither him nor the new girl happy in the short term, but in the long term there is a chance that they'll both get over it. Again you are saying that you want to have a long-term future with your boyfriend, and in order to do that, you have to overcome the situation with the new girl. It is a complicated situation, with no easy answers. Things can't just continue as they are because it stresses you out and endangers your health. Unless you can become okay with your boyfriend having feelings for someone, the simplest and thus best solution is for him to cut the ties completely.

Of course, this will only work if your boyfriend agrees to it. In the past, he has agreed with his mouth, only to then disagree with his feet. While still pretending to agree, of course. Not telling you the truth. You have to consider, is it possible he will agree to cut the ties with her, then continue seeing her, having sex with her, and sharing feelings with her, behind your back? How long will that go on before you find out? and what will you do when you do find out?

I feel bad; I know you were probably hoping for a solution that would have been agreeable to both you and him. I have racked my brain trying to think of such a solution, and I have not been able to come up with anything. There's not a lot of middle ground between having feelings for someone and not having feelings. And even if there was, what would you do? ask him to erase *some* of the feelings he has for her? How would he do that? There's no simple solution here.

I hope you and he can overcome this together.
Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[vinsanity0]

I might be the only one who thinks the problem is you.

You can't control other people's feelings. You shouldn't treat people as disposable.

The gf is acting as a normal person would.

Your bf is doing a bad job of negotiating, but then again your demands are not all that reasonable. Please don't take that personally. I don't think you are a bad person. You are just making the classic newbie mistakes.

In the end your bf and his gf obviously want to do poly and you don't. I urge you to explore the reasons behind why you are having problems with this arrangement.

 

[ElMango]

I totally agree that your bf should have not gone behind you're back. That's not cool.

QUOTE=Bembem;427851]I think i am having a problem with this girl because she did tell my bf that she wants more contact between them. [/quote]
She is allowed to voice these feelings; in fact, I think it is good she did. It is up to HIM to use all of the things he knows about both relationships to decide what he WANTS to do and discuss with both parties that.

She told him that she think it is not ethical to hope that we break up. and for that reason she is not hoping that we break up. [/quote]

I mean this kindly, and with experience feeling like this; but it isn't a feeling you want to ignore that you want them to break up. I've been there, and it honestly just poisons your relationship with your bf. Feelings are valid and good to acknowledge; actions are our choice.
When I felt it, I know the reasons why. It was valid to feel that way and I acknowledged why I felt that way. I also had to look at things from my partners POV, and work to understand why he did pursue that relationship. I did not have to be happy about the person he was with; but I did have to understand, for my own well-being, his choices. He cared about this person; they had been friends for a decade. And, his feelings gave him some horse blinders.

In the end, we have to let our partners make their own choices. And they have to let us make our own choices. If he stays with her, you need to decide your own choices. Will you leave him, or will you work to cope? How will you go down the road of processing and growing? Will he help you?

it feels like she is hoping that she will get a relation with him while my bf and me said from the beginning that we would not have other serious relations, but more friends with benefits.

Feelings can change. With B and I we literally started out only going to be FWB. That is it. But...as the friendship grew so did the feelings. Love grew. Emotions deepened. Z was amazing during this process; there are definitely times where he knows me better than I know myself and called me out on how I felt and encouraged me to embrace it. We also talked a lot about what it would mean for our relationship. This is an important discussion for all couples opening up to have. People are jjust that...people. Biologically we want and need human connection. Sometimes planned, sometimes not.

He promised me that if too much feelings would get involved he would stop a contact. I agree that it is really hard to see where te line of too much is.

I'm proud of you for acknowledging that the feelings line can get blurred! I know sometimes that is hard to see, especially when our feelings of insecurity and fear run high.
And just like her feelings can change...so can his. Romantic feelings are much harder to break away from than lustful ones. Breaking hearts hurts.

Might be good to say that we agreed upon an open relation for now, but we both feel that it might be too difficult to continue if we start living together, so we will probably close it then.

Will he be good with closing it? Will you? How will closing it affect your relationship?
The mono and closed relationship you started with has been changed and is effectively gone. Even if you close it again you will have to both process those changes.

I agree with Gala, don't move in yet. Not until you work and solve these issues.

I am not sure if she knows i have veto. I also prefer to work it out with my boyfriend instead of forcing him to choose i guess

Having veto is not something I want. Yesterday B told me he thought I had it all along! So he gave me a lot of credit for not pulling a veto with J. While I totally didn't know he felt that way.
My belief, especially now, is that vetos cause more pain than gain. It breeds resentment. It breeds hurt. It hurts you as well. It sounds like you don't want veto power. It sounds more like you want to feel safe and cherished no matter what happens more than ending their relationship.

I am writing the letter to see if we can get more understanding for each other.

Write the letter for you for you to help process things. Write it, sleep on it, read it. Do it again and again until you can fully explain and understand your feelings for yourself. Then, talk about it or give it to your boyfriend for him and only him to read. Then, if he reads it, talk about it with him. Talk about what you both want to share with Red (using Galas name for her). Get him to ask Red if she wants to have a sit down as a group. But only do this once you have your feelings, and he has his, sorted. Your issues are not hers to deal with. Problem solving and finding a collaboration for issues may be an option if she is comfortable with it.

I agree insecurities and fears are a problem as well, but i am not sure how to overcome that while i am dealing with the fears and also dealing that i get sick again because of the stress it causes at the moment ( I have been sick for 3 years, and at the moment some problems are coming back again)

I am chronically ill physically, with generalized anxiety and eating disorder recovery. For me, the feeling, the insecurity, I have is that B will find someone with less 'problems' than me and replace me with a 'newer' model. This is something my negative and irrational thoughts are causing. I have never been given evidence that this is true. I call my negative inner voice Susan. Susan is a complete lying bitch. If Susan were not in my head I would tell her to fuck right off. So, I work on telling her to fuck right off if that makes sense.

These are my feelings to deal with. Not Z, not B. Not a meta. It is up to US to find solutions to our own issues. And say these thoughts of mine WERE based on truth and evidence...I'd have to decide if that is something I WANT a relationship with. I hope this example is helpful!

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

You don't have a veto. Veto only works if your partner agrees to it.

To me it's obvious that your boyfriend doesn't want his other relationships controlled by you. You need to decide if you can be in a non monogamous relationship where you do not have control over other people including your partner. Some people can only do this if they make an agreement where they control the other people by insisting they know details or are asked permission under the guise of information sharing.

These people are rarely happy in non monogamy unless they successfully create a situation where they have multiple relationships but obstruct their partner from the same.

 

[Bembem]

Thank you for all te reactions.

Since my healt has been decreased rapidly i don't feel good enough to reply on every single part.

However, untill so far all the reactions how been helpfull.

Especially the long post from i think galagirl was very interesting and eye opening.

I think the problem is mainly cause by mistakes my bf and me both made. And by mistakes red and my bf made as well.

Guess we all need to think first what we actually want and accept from the open relation before we can decide if we continue anything of it.

I do understand that i tried to control feelings, i guess this comes from the mistakes we made and continued to make.

Most important now is to decide what i can handle at the moment. My bf needs to decide what he wants and so does red. If that is all completely different then the only thing is to accept that we are not right for each other at this point in life.

I will reply later and will do more thinking about it.
You guys already have been so helpfull in identifying the problems.

 

[opalescent]

Bembem,

I think you are on your way to sorting things out. I hope that goes well.

I did want to ask why feelings generate insecurity and fear in you? Is it fear of stress that can harm your health? Fear you will 'lose' your boyfriend? Other things?

Nailing done the fear behind the insecurities generated by this situation can help you figure out what you are doing to do.

Also, I wanted to mention that if poly or open relationships consistently impact your health negatively, you have every right to not be in such relationships. You can't make your boyfriend agree to being monogamous so this may be an unsolvable incompatibility. It's not a great choice but it's one you can and should make if you feel it's best for you.

 

[GalaGirl]

Since my healt has been decreased rapidly i don't feel good enough to reply on every single part.

Glad responses helped you. But remember your health matters the most... don't worry about responding to each post. Please take care of you!

Guess we all need to think first what we actually want and accept from the open relation before we can decide if we continue anything of it.

Yes. It's ok that newbie mistakes happened along the way, but CONTINUING them doesn't help anyone.

Most important now is to decide what i can handle at the moment. My bf needs to decide what he wants and so does red. If that is all completely different then the only thing is to accept that we are not right for each other at this point in life.

Yes. Figure out what YOU can handle, at a place where your health isn't taking a ding. Don't pick out stressful or high energy relationship models if what you need to be healthy is something less stressy or more low key energy.

If it comes down to everyone wanting different things now? I think accepting that and parting ways is kinder to all 3 even if sad. Some sad would still be better than to keep on going with it even though doing that is making all 3 feel super upset they aren't getting what they really want PLUS making you very sick on top of it.

If all the choices stink, pick the one that stinks the least.

There's lots of people in the world to date. You only get one YOU. So if your health is poorly, that might be where you put your main attention.

I hope your health improves in time.

Hang in there!
Galagirl

 

[Bembem]

Well at least i have a bit more clearity at this moment.

My bf agreed dat he only wants friends with benefits on the side.

Where i was afraid he was right that i filled in the blank spots myself it turns out that i was afraid with a good reason.

My bf did tell red that it would never turn into a relation,somehow she still hoped and expected that if she did everything right. My bf would break up with me, so he could be with here. She was very emotional about the fact that she had to realize things with my bf wouldn't turn into a relation.

Think i still need to do a lot of talking with my bf,but at least there is a better understanding of the situation now.

 

[kdt26417]

Sounds like Red was engaging in a little bit of cowgirling. I'm glad to hear that you got that part cleared up, and that there is a better understanding of the situation.

 

[Marcus]

... as long as it wouldn't look like a relation and we would be open if there would get more feeling involved with another person, so it would be possible to end things with the other person.

What you are describing is clear, strict hierarchy. You two are at the top, and any poor bastard who gets into a relationship with you is secondary (at best).

I hope this poor girl moves on and seeks out an association that is healthy. Being used as a convenient chew toy for a couple sounds like a torturous situation.

 

[vinsanity0]

Well at least i have a bit more clearity at this moment.

My bf agreed dat he only wants friends with benefits on the side.

Where i was afraid he was right that i filled in the blank spots myself it turns out that i was afraid with a good reason.

My bf did tell red that it would never turn into a relation,somehow she still hoped and expected that if she did everything right. My bf would break up with me, so he could be with here. She was very emotional about the fact that she had to realize things with my bf wouldn't turn into a relation.

Think i still need to do a lot of talking with my bf,but at least there is a better understanding of the situation now.

It's interesting how you are wording things. In poly one does not have to break up with one partner in order to have a relationship with another. And what is your husband's plan now? To bag 'em and dump 'em? Even FWB requires some level of relationshipping beyond a casual one-nighter.

 

[Bembem]

It's interesting how you are wording things. In poly one does not have to break up with one partner in order to have a relationship with another. And what is your husband's plan now? To bag 'em and dump 'em? Even FWB requires some level of relationshipping beyond a casual one-nighter.

I understand you, however we are in an open relation not poly. We agreed om having a relation where we could have fwb on the side. Not on a poly relation and after talking we are both usre that we don't want to go into that direction.

Probably things between red and my bf are going to end indeed. Allthoug how you phrase it sounds rather hard. However the situation is that he can not give here what she wants. She doesn't want to be a secondary or so, she wants a full relation with my boyfriend. She already spend a half year of hear life on hoping that he would end thing with me to be with here, so i don't think iy would be healthy for here either to continue this way.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

I understand you, however we are in an open relation not poly. We agreed om having a relation where we could have fwb on the side. Not on a poly relation and after talking we are both usre that we don't want to go into that direction.

Probably things between red and my bf are going to end indeed. Allthoug how you phrase it sounds rather hard. However the situation is that he can not give here what she wants. She doesn't want to be a secondary or so, she wants a full relation with my boyfriend. She already spend a half year of hear life on hoping that he would end thing with me to be with here, so i don't think iy would be healthy for here either to continue this way.

But even with friends you wouldn't just break up because of a relationship unless the relationship was very unhealthy.

I sincerely doubt your boyfriend will end things with her. Even if he does,her presence will linger in your relationship for a long time.

All the agreements in the world will not prevent chemistry and passion fueling feelings of love and intimacy. You can call it FWB but they will still have a connection that will be unique to yours.