Age difference

A

AZpolyT8R

New member
Do any of you have a certain cutoff in age? As in, no more than 10 years younger, etc? I'm chatting with someone right now who seems interesting but she's 20 years younger, not much older than my son. Not sure whether to give it a shot or not
 
I think as long as the people considering a relationship are consenting adults, that age doesn't matter much if there is compatibility. And that can only be figured out by the people involved.

My partner is 14 years older than me. We share a lot of similar feelings concerning various topics and interests, we enjoy each other's company, we enjoy similar activities, so it works for us.
 
AZpolyT8R said:
Do any of you have a certain cutoff in age? As in, no more than 10 years younger, etc? I'm chatting with someone right now who seems interesting but she's 20 years younger, not much older than my son. Not sure whether to give it a shot or not
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In the end it's a personal choice that very much so depends on where we are in our lives.

The difference between 50-60 is not a huge 10 years. Between 10 and 20...that's pretty huge.

Half my age + 7 is that cultural standby. So if you're 50, 32 would be the lowest age.

I personally wouldn't be up for someone much younger than me; I'm 28, I don't want to be with a 20 year old. We're at different parts in our lives. But, B is 35...so he's 7 years older than me but WE'RE at the same spot in our lives.

My question is, how do YOU feel about being with someone your sons age?
 
I would say, take it slow and don't dive head first into sex or other kinds of encumbrance. Give it a minute, get to know each other, find your common interests, and just enjoy the association.

There is less risk in "taking a shot", when all you're doing is spending time and becoming acquainted.
 
I don't have an official cut off age, but at 56 it is doubtful I would have a lot in common with someone much younger than me. I've had relationships with women around 15 years younger. I doubt anyone younger would be interested lol.
 
When I was 18, my bf was 49. In hindsight, he was very wrong for instigating the relationship. There were good parts, and some terrible parts. But there were also health issues on his end. I wouldn't recommend significant age gaps.
 
I'm 41; Moonlight will be 71 in the fall.

The 30 year gap sometimes is challenging. For instance, she has health problems that limit the things we can do or how we do them. There are also nearly two generations between us, so we occasionally have very different view points about various issues. She's retired and has more freedom to travel, while I'm in the midst of my career and can't take off as much time as she would like. Finally, sometimes I have to call her out because she's treating me more like her daughter (who is a couple of years older than me) than a partner.

For the most part, however, we're very happy and have been together for 7 years. I don't think this would have worked as well if I was 25 and she was 55, but at this point in our lives it's good.

I would be open to having a relationship with someone significantly younger than me, but it would depend on the person and what sort of relationship it might turn into. I think values, goals, and personality are more important than age, but how old you are and when and where you grew up certainly impact those parts of people.
 
While a man 20 years younger and myself may have things in common our lives are at totally different places. For example I love music and going to concerts and I love doing new adventurous things. But I am done having kids. I have roots. I enjoy staying in.

But I could date a man 20 years older my age and it would work a lot better. My kids are older and independent. My financials are stable. I have a career and own my own home. I am looking towards retirement at 45. I have the freedom to travel.
 
I agree that it's more about life stages than the actual number of years difference.

I will admit that I occasionally am bothered by the fact that my boyfriend is ten years younger than I am, but I feel like I did a lot of changing in my mid to late twenties, and I worry (although try not to) about how time will change things. I'm 36.

Love doesn't conquer all, but if you have some good compatibility grounds and similar wants and desires for the scope of the relationship you're seeking (I mean, I'd feel very differently about a casual FWB type relationship versus dating versus long term dating) then I think it can definitely work.
 
AZpolyT8R said:
Do any of you have a certain cutoff in age? As in, no more than 10 years younger, etc? I'm chatting with someone right now who seems interesting but she's 20 years younger, not much older than my son. Not sure whether to give it a shot or not
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Lots of good posts here. With polyamory, age is less of an issue because if it is a consideration, then partners are free to get involved with someone whose age isn't a contentious issue while keeping the relationship with the one where it is.

That being said, there are still the practical considerations of large age differences, and children can be a major concern whether they come with the package or are something the younger partner wants.

Heterosexual men are hardwired to be perpetually attracted to younger women capable of childbearing, and the consequences of that aren't simply the huge financial responsibility, but the physical demands, as well as the psychological impact for a younger mother and child who will be growing up and most likely ending-up without a partner and a father.

For these reasons, although I am very attracted to younger women and would even still love another child. I also know it's not really fair for them, so when it has come down to the moment of decision for me in the past, my feelings of paternal protection always kick-in, and instead of having sex, I end-up giving them a kiss on the forehead and letting them swim happily away.

There is a scene in American Beauty that dramatizes this quite effectively. Ultimately what we as poly people should be instilling in our partners is love, trust, appreciation, and respect, and, at least for me, not getting involved with someone inappropriately young means that I haven't compromised any of those things.

Ultimately however it's a call best made between the two of you. If you can both do it on a clear conscience after carefully considering the variables, then best wishes for a happy future.
 
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Hi AZpolyT8R,

My opinion is that it is probably fine for you to pursue things with the younger person, but I am kind of biased, as my late wife was 25 years older than me.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Not my intention ... I sorely miss my wife.
 
Elements Of Humor 101

powerpuffgrl1969 said:
Polynatural, what did you mean by that remark to Kevin? "You're funny?"
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Although humor is highly subjective, there are several elements that either alone or in combination, can create an atmosphere in which humor is more likely to manifest within the human psyche. Have a look at these examples and try to see which one(s) might apply in this situation: https://www.ahschools.us/cms/lib08/MN01909485/Centricity/Domain/4715/Elements of Humor new.pdf
 
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PolyNatural said:
Although humor is highly subjective, there are several elements that either alone or in combination, can create an atmosphere in which humor is more likely to manifest within the human psyche. Have a look at these examples and try to see which one(s) might apply in this situation: https://www.ahschools.us/cms/lib08/MN01909485/Centricity/Domain/4715/Elements of Humor new.pdf
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tbh now would be a good time to just say sorry for being accidentally very hurtful and tactless.
When making a joke is harmful, it's not a joke. I read the PDF, and it provides no explanation or excuse. No atmosphere for this humor was ever present. Making fun of the death of someone you do not know; especially to their loved one is inappropriate.

Kevin is always very kind and sincere. Please return how treats others in how you treat him.
 
ElMango said:
tbh now would be a good time to just say sorry for being accidentally very hurtful and tactless ...
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Actually, now would be a good time for me to do something more constructive than continue this pointless conversation with you. No. Wait. I take that back. The entire weight of your opinion lies in your subjective filter, which interpreted the comment I made in your own negative light, and subsequently, without sufficient evidence judged and sentenced me in a public forum to be someone of ill character. I don't appreciate it, and would prefer that you go fling your mud on someone who truly deserves it.
 
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