Need experienced poly advice please

N

NinaBrujah

New member
My husband and I have been together 15 years. We opened our relationship probably around 4 years ago, but no one acted on it until last year. I took on a VERY sporadic/part time secondary. In the past year and a half we've seen each other in person twice.
My husband and I have run the gambit of emotional discussions about jealousy, fears of losing eachother, etc. Our communication actually became better than it ever has been. He did still struggle with me having a secondary, and in the end it didnt work out between the secondary and me. and I was pretty upset about it.
Cut to now, my husband is just starting to see someone else. They've been on two dates in the last month.
We had previously agreed that there would be no house visits because of complicating factors like our child finding out.
Two days ago my husband and I got in a pretty heated argument. Yesterday we were still arguing and he had a date alresdy planned. He left, I took our child out to a play date, and returned home to him and the girl in my home.
My child knows something is up because there in an unfamiliar car in the drive. I tell him it's a friend, but my husband and this girl are holed up at the other end of the house with the door shut. My kid is getting upset, I'm trying to contact husband to ask him to cut the date short. I'm not getting a response, so I go to the other end of the house, and walk in on them naked, post coitus.
I feel extremely offended because I feel like the timing on his part was extremely wrong given that we had been arguing, and also because she was not even supposed to be at our house.
My feelings are extremely hurt. I feel like it was disrespectful on her part because she knew the entire situation. And on his part because of the arguing and our previous agreement about the house.
Am I wrong? I actually am really excited for my husband and this girl to have a relationship. I just feel kind of done wrong.
 
This is just my personal opinion.

Arguing with you should have no effect on what he can do in his other relationships.

However, he did break an agreement he had with you. Normally I am against rules, but that agreement seems reasonable enough. It's likely he was acting out due to the arguing.

Finally, I wouldn't blame the GF. She only knows what he tells her.
 
Well... just because he has an argument on this side of the V with you isn't a reason to cancel his plans with his other person.

We had previously agreed that there would be no house visits because of complicating factors like our child finding out.
Click to expand...

If that's the agreement? If they wanted to share sex, what's wrong with going to her place? :confused:

  • The kid doesn't see anything so no upset (win for kid)
  • The agreement of not bringing people here yet can be maintained (win for you, because no bonus parenting work dealing with an upset kid)
  • They get to share sex uninterrupted by parenting obligations. (win for them).

Over time this can change, but for now... what's wrong with keeping the agreement?

My kid is getting upset...
Click to expand...

And his response to this parent issue was what? :confused:

Or were you left holding the bag on that one? :confused:

I kinda get the vibe you were left holding the bag and that's why you are mad.

I actually am really excited for my husband and this girl to have a relationship. I just feel kind of done wrong.
Click to expand...

I find it easiest to pick and choose battles.

If there's a lot going on, just pick the top one.

Let the annoyance with GF go.

Let whatever the original argument thing go or postpone talking about that one a bit.

Could bring the focus down to 1 issue -- the parenting bit.

Could tell him you are excited about them having a relationship and happy for them.

Less excited about extra parenting work you did not sign up for ending up in your lap.

In your shoes, I'd be annoyed that he's broken agreement about people in the house. It sounds like it was made to not upset the kid since you aren't out to child just yet about poly dating. Like you guys wanted child's life and routines undisturbed. Is that true?

Sounds like Dad unexpectedly breaks the agreement and brings his GF here for sex. Result? Here's the kid all upset from seeing the GF car, no access to the dad in the other room, you on the phone maybe seeming weird trying to contact dad, etc. (How old is the kid? )

Dad was off with lover. So then you have to deal with the kid's upset? Is that what happened?

Aren't you already watching the kid? Isn't that enough work so he can have date night? If he watches kid on your nights out, fair enough. It's a swap.

But now you get to field this extra bonus work of upset kid by yourself? YOU didn't break agreement but YOU have to clean up the kid mess HIS actions caused? UGH. That would suck to me.

Does the agreement need to change? Are you two going to be out to kid now so people CAN come over to the house?

When the kid wants a parent who is with another partner in the house... how do you agree to field that?

Talk that out. Parenting doesn't stop just cuz you poly date.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
So you had a 'secondary.' It ended. Then your husband got a 'secondary.' Now there's a problem.

Did he have his side dish while you had yours? Or did he only get her after you broke it off with yours?

What was the argument about? It seems this might be important to the whole story and yet you've left that part out.


I agree that just because you and he argued doesn't mean he should treat his 'secondary' like a second class citizen who can just quietly accept that her relationship and her plans can be canceled and switched around last minute any time you're upset. To do so tells her that this is not poly AMORY (ie, love) but poly...play thing? It is to reduce her to a set of golf clubs that wouldn't even think to object when it's tossed back on the shelf last minute and told, 'Now's not a good time.'

You agreed to poly amory. This means agreeing to treating other people like HUMAN BEINGS and treating other relationships like REAL RELATIONSHIPS.
 
Even if she did know about your agreement, it isnt her responsibility to keep it. Some people would say that dismissing his permission to come to his home to abide by your wishes is disrespectful to him because it ignores his autonomy.

It's irrelevant if you agree with this philosophy or not but it's wise to be aware that some people see things this way and trying to convince them to not only see an opposing view but agree with it can be challenging at best. That goes for both your husband and her. He might agree that he had an obligation to uphold your agreement (as do I) but accepting that she had an obligation is a different ball game.

I do think he should have kept the agreement but I'm very much an advocate of considering how things might change a) over time and b) if the way you decide to go doesn't work out. I'm not sure if you have heard of Unicorn Hunters but what often happens with those couples is that one party genuinely desires intimacy with other people and that unicorn hunting is not the easiest way to achieve that. Maybe they can't get off the ground with anyone or maybe they have but that person only desires intimacy with one half of the couple.

The reasons why they agreed to date as a might have been focused around their priorities like children or having adequate quality time together but they reevaluate those priorities when it becomes clear they can't do both. Not that way, at least.

Was your child becoming upset because you were visibly upset? I'm not judging. But I've always found it helpful to think how a situation could have been changed if my actions were "perfect". Not because "perfect" is a realistic goal but because it helps you understand your power in a situation and over time, it does seem to influence your actions "in the moment". For me at least.

If I were you, I'd wonder if my child would have been less affected if I just said that Daddy was fixing something in the room with a friend and distracted them with something quickly rather than attempting to contact him or entering the room.

Again, I can understand why you did those things. You were shocked and upset. But if you didn't do them, what would have changed?
 
Hello NinaBrujah,

Your husband definitely broke your agreement (no taking dates to your house), so he is in the wrong. If he wanted to change the rule, he should have given you notice of that fact ahead of time (and gotten your consent). I don't know if his new girlfriend knew about the rule, but even if she did, the onus still falls on his shoulders. He's the one who agreed with you to keep that rule. So yes he has done you wrong. You are not wrong to think so.

It kind of sounds like he might have broke the rule deliberately, just to spite you, because of the arguing, like he was acting out. If so, that's a double bad on his part. But maybe he feels he's in the right because he was on the "right" side of whatever argument you and he were having. Either way, he definitely broke the agreement that he made with you. Being in an argument with you (about something else) does not change that.

Now you have an upset child, and you are of course upset as well. The onus is on your husband to rectify both situations. I don't know whether you can hide your open/poly agreement from your kid at this point. Are you comfortable coming up with a more elaborate web of lies in order to keep your kid in the dark? If yes, then the onus is on your husband to come up with those lies. He should talk to the kid.

Do you think that part of your upset is due to you having lost your secondary partner, while your husband has just gained his secondary partner? Like, maybe there is some jealousy on your part? I think it's possible to have jealousy and compersion both at the same time. Especially when you had to walk in on them and see them like that. Even if your jealousy was just a trace amount, that could have aggravated it.

I hope you and your husband can work this out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Would you have been as upset if your son wasn't there? It sounds like one of the main things upsetting you is that your child got ignored by their father for sex.
 
ElMango said:
Would you have been as upset if your son wasn't there? It sounds like one of the main things upsetting you is that your child got ignored by their father for sex.
Click to expand...

From the sounds of it, Daddy was meant to be out anyway. I didnt see any description of the child trying to get their father's attention and then the father dismissing them. What part of the OP did you see the child ignored by their father?
 
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
From the sounds of it, Daddy was meant to be out anyway. I didnt see any description of the child trying to get their father's attention and then the father dismissing them. What part of the OP did you see the child ignored by their father?
Click to expand...

"My child knows something is up because there in an unfamiliar car in the drive. I tell him it's a friend, but my husband and this girl are holed up at the other end of the house with the door shut. My kid is getting upset, I'm trying to contact husband to ask him to cut the date short. I'm not getting a response..."

Husband broke an agreement causing mom to stress and kid to stress. Leaving mom to deal with stressy upset kid. The ignoring happened when the contact was not returned. Ignoring that your kid needs you when it's your partner telling you is no better than doing it when the kid is directly trying to get your attention.

I have no kids, but I firmly believe that if you have them they should be your priority. If you're being told "the kid is upset where are you/come here." Then...you go figure out what's wrong with the kid.

A common thought process for many people is "If they ignored for this, then what would have happened had it been something more dire/an emergency/etc?"
 
ElMango said:
"My child knows something is up because there in an unfamiliar car in the drive. I tell him it's a friend, but my husband and this girl are holed up at the other end of the house with the door shut. My kid is getting upset, I'm trying to contact husband to ask him to cut the date short. I'm not getting a response..."

Husband broke an agreement causing mom to stress and kid to stress. Leaving mom to deal with stressy upset kid. The ignoring happened when the contact was not returned. Ignoring that your kid needs you when it's your partner telling you is no better than doing it when the kid is directly trying to get your attention.

I have no kids, but I firmly believe that if you have them they should be your priority. If you're being told "the kid is upset where are you/come here." Then...you go figure out what's wrong with the kid.

A common thought process for many people is "If they ignored for this, then what would have happened had it been something more dire/an emergency/etc?"
Click to expand...

I was envisioning this in my home. My home isnt particularly large but a child, or even just a regular person, could be "holed at one end of the house" and not even hear what is going on in the main communal areas. You could tell the child that Daddy is out with a friend and they have left their cars and unless they are being very loud, nobody would really guess they are in that part of the house.

My guess from the information provided is that the child was responding to the parent's emotional state rather than a closed door and a strange car.

Breaking an agreement is a problem. I find mothers' in heterosexual co-parenting relationships often feel they need to use the child's emotional welfare to draw quite reasonable boundaries. And I don't mean reasonable as in "some people might not like it but it's still okay", I mean reasonable as in "that's how it probably should be in that situation".

I've found this can extend to exaggerating the child's feelings or oversharing with the child in order to feel justified about whatever circumstance or incident has upset them. It's a symptom of women feeling as if their feelings are secondary but it's not healthy for children.

As for the emergency thing - I have 2 friends in the medical profession. They often say that in an emergency for their kids, it would be near impossible to get hold of them so they just hope for the best. They're also quite realistic in that most emergencies would not be helped by them as they aren't in emergency medicine and would be too emotional to make sound decisions.

If you're going to date and stuff, you will be more or less off radar for at least short periods of time while you do that. Even if your phone is on silent or vibrate, you might not hear a call for some time. You might be having sex so even not hear the ring. It happens. Parents aren't perfect and it's usually wise for them not to try to be.
 
I see a lot of people’s solutions involve lying to the kids- since when has that been either a good idea or a fair thing to ask of someone?

It was really disrespectful to not have given you a heads’ up they were there. A discussion, even.

To have had to field this when you were already upset sucks.

The healthy mature thing might be to decide regardless of what happened— do we have sex with kids in the house? Do we give the parenting partner warning if we’re going to? What will we do to make this easiest on the kids? Is it being out or maintaining our agreements on separation of locations?

It’s kind of an important thing that each person dating get to be in the others’ territory for them, but coordination needs to happen. And is it important to you to have your home be just your home?
 
I got kinda stuck on the kid thing. Why would the kid be upset if a parent was in another part of the house hanging out with a friend? Are you guys that closeted that people don't normally come over to your house and so the child expects you to be immediately available for anything?

I agree that it sounds like the mother's upset is getting reframed as the child's, or that the child saw the mother agitated and it went from there. I can't see there being a valid reason for the child to actually be upset, especially since in this case it sounds like the father wasn't expected to be there anyway.

That aside, breaking agreements isn't cool. Was the door where they were not locked? Because THERE I can see an issue. What if the child was the first one into the room and saw them naked together? Since this wasn't supposed to be a possibility, that could definitely have happened.

I would plan for a long conversation and revisit your agreements. Is the house rule not working for him, and if not, why? What kind of changes does he want? Do you want changes, and do your desires align? If not, how will you handle this?

I agree with the others; don't displace blame on your husband's partner. If you're upset with him, be upset with him. Your relationship is with him, not with her.
 
1234567 said:
I see a lot of people’s solutions involve lying to the kids- since when has that been either a good idea or a fair thing to ask of someone?

It was really disrespectful to not have given you a heads’ up they were there. A discussion, even.

To have had to field this when you were already upset sucks.

The healthy mature thing might be to decide regardless of what happened— do we have sex with kids in the house? Do we give the parenting partner warning if we’re going to? What will we do to make this easiest on the kids? Is it being out or maintaining our agreements on separation of locations?

It’s kind of an important thing that each person dating get to be in the others’ territory for them, but coordination needs to happen. And is it important to you to have your home be just your home?
Click to expand...

Parents always have sex with their kids in the house. That's how they make new ones! They lie to them too.

I agree that it isn't something you want to do all the time but in this situation, I could see the mother making a huge deal about having to tell a lie that Daddy is out but feel fine telling them the numerous other white lies parents tell kids to makethe day easier and smoother.

My mother told me they only make ice cream between May and September.
 
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
Parents always have sex with their kids in the house. That's how they make new ones! They lie to them too.

I agree that it isn't something you want to do all the time but in this situation, I could see the mother making a huge deal about having to tell a lie that Daddy is out but feel fine telling them the numerous other white lies parents tell kids to makethe day easier and smoother.

My mother told me they only make ice cream between May and September.
Click to expand...

It's a little less problematic to have your kids walk in on you and their other parent having sex. And it's not like we don't hear of that happening all the time. But seeing a parent with someone else? That could cause a lot of damage before you can clear it up, depending on the age of the child.

And frankly, I am not a supporter of lying to children, especially stupid stuff like your comment about when they make ice cream :p I don't think that teaches children anything good whatsoever.
 
Vicki82 said:
It's a little less problematic to have your kids walk in on you and their other parent having sex. And it's not like we don't hear of that happening all the time. But seeing a parent with someone else? That could cause a lot of damage before you can clear it up, depending on the age of the child.

And frankly, I am not a supporter of lying to children, especially stupid stuff like your comment about when they make ice cream :p I don't think that teaches children anything good whatsoever.
Click to expand...


Yeah well it happens. Tooth fairy, santa, easter bunny.

And as for walking in, that's why the adult in the situation (OP) distracts the child and keeps them away from the bedroom.
 
Vicki82 said:
But seeing a parent with someone else? That could cause a lot of damage before you can clear it up, depending on the age of the child.
Click to expand...

The kid didn't walk in on anything, the mother did after she went looking for the couple. The kid apparently freaked because there was a new car in the driveway. :confused:

NinaBrujah said:
My child knows something is up because there in an unfamiliar car in the drive. I tell him it's a friend, but my husband and this girl are holed up at the other end of the house with the door shut. My kid is getting upset, I'm trying to contact husband to ask him to cut the date short. I'm not getting a response, so I go to the other end of the house, and walk in on them naked, post coitus.
Click to expand...
 
FallenAngelina said:
The kid didn't walk in on anything, the mother did after she went looking for the couple. The kid apparently freaked because there was a new car in the driveway. :confused:
Click to expand...

Yes, I think you missed the context of what I was saying. I'm aware the kid didn't see anything so I expressed that it seems rather odd that the kid was upset without any influence towards that behavioral state by the mother.

I was responding with the quoted comment to seasoned, who said that parents have sex with kids in the house all the time. There's a big difference between a kid catching their parents and a kid catching parent + other person. So I think it's not a similar thing to say that since parents have sex with kids home that there should be carte blanche for parents to have sex with lovers in the home unless everyone agrees to that.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top