Ex's are back and I'm ecstatic but....

G

Gria2004

New member
My ex boyfriend and his wife have come back into my life right around the time I'm having some female medical problems. Which is great. Now let me tell you why we didn't work last time to fill you in. He lives a hour away in a hour difference time zone so if it's 10 here it's 11 there. He was running his own tech company working very many hours. I was working both second and third alot. So we just could not get our times right to meet. He didn't have that much time to give. So we parted ways.

Now that he is back he has closed his tech company and working mornings and just a interview for a great paying job with benefits 40 hours days and I'm working just nights four and three days weeks.

With that said here is some more background information he is out to his parents poly and I am not. I'm super close to my parents. We talk once day and see each other once a week or sometimes more. With me going to visit them and them coming to visit me I don't know what to say. Last time we started to see each other after chatting alot my parents were in Arizona so it was easy to see them though time didn't allow it.

I really want this to work. We talked about see each other after I know more about my medical problems as I'm waiting to see doctors and get results. They gave been great because his wife went though this before. We also talked about wanting long time good. Lots of good communication. Like when we get serious and I'm ready to tell them then he will be by side if I like him to. I just don't know what to tell parents when I'm gone and will we have time to give to each other? Not really sure what I'm asking just maybe to talk because only one person in my life know about them.
 
Sounds like the changes in work schedules might help make this more doable this time around.

I really want this to work. We talked about see each other after I know more about my medical problems as I'm waiting to see doctors and get results. They gave been great because his wife went though this before. We also talked about wanting long time good. Lots of good communication. Like when we get serious and I'm ready to tell them then he will be by side if I like him to. I just don't know what to tell parents when I'm gone and will we have time to give to each other? Not really sure what I'm asking just maybe to talk because only one person in my life know about them.
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How about not getting ahead of yourself?

Solve your medical things first.

When you go visit/date him? Make space to call the parents daily like usual. Dial the visiting back to once that week. Because you are spending time with him.

If they notice and ask, say you are dating someone, but it isn't serious yet. So you will let the know if/when it is. When it is? THEN deal with bringing him around.

It is ok to have some space away from your parents. Close doesn't have to mean enmeshed.

Galagirl
 
Hi Gria,

It sounds like the time is right, the situation is right, for you to get back together with your exes. You are just wondering what to say to your parents. You can just tell them you are seeing someone, you don't have to tell them you are poly unless you are ready to say that. Can I just observe, hiding your poly from your parents has been a sore spot for you for quite some time? Maybe you'd feel better if you just told them, so that you don't have to hide it anymore. Otherwise you will go on feeling like you have to lie, right? I know you are worried that your parents won't accept you, but you also have your conscience to consider. It's up to you, I just thought I'd throw that out there.

I'm happy for you that your exes are back.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thank you. You both have given me things to think about and great advice. The time is not right to tell them but your right about me feeling that way.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hi Gria,

It sounds like the time is right, the situation is right, for you to get back together with your exes. You are just wondering what to say to your parents. You can just tell them you are seeing someone, you don't have to tell them you are poly unless you are ready to say that. Can I just observe, hiding your poly from your parents has been a sore spot for you for quite some time? Maybe you'd feel better if you just told them, so that you don't have to hide it anymore. Otherwise you will go on feeling like you have to lie, right? I know you are worried that your parents won't accept you, but you also have your conscience to consider. It's up to you, I just thought I'd throw that out there.

I'm happy for you that your exes are back.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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I would love to tell them but I doubt that they would understand. I think I'm going to get though this medical stuff first then visit and see how it's goes. Conversations right not is great. Then maybe I will tell them. I won't say hiding my poly is sore spot but more like I'm not being honest, lieing, and keeping something from them. Yeah maybe it is. I know soon I will visit them and then the hiding starts because I know mom will ask what you do today, how are you, well you should of did this if I answer not much. If they drive by which I don't know if they do my car will be gone. Others in my apartment building will be asking where have I been. I don't know what to say. But might just say the first response answer.

Then when I do tell them I want him there with me but do I have them meet him first or do just bring him along like he said he be there for me. His parents were so understanding. That part gets me more. So much. It would be some what easier if they lived here.
 
Re:
"Then when I do tell them, I want him there with me, but do I have them meet him first, or do I just bring him along, like he said, he'll be there for me?"
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You seem to be asking whether to have your parents meet your boyfriend in a separate meeting, before the meeting where you tell them that he is your poly boyfriend. So there would be a first meeting where you told them, "This is my boyfriend," and then, there would be a second meeting where you told them, "This is my poly boyfriend," do I have that right? If so, I would tend to say go ahead and do it in two meetings like that, you seem to be reluctant to tell your parents right away that he's poly.
 
I'm not sure what the problem is, but maybe it's a language or cultural barrier confusing me...

You want to date a married poly man?

You're not romantically involved with his wife?

He's poly, wants to be a hinge between you and his wife?

You're monogamous, and only date him?

Your parents don't want you to date at all?

You're embarrassed to even tell them you're dating/have a bf?

They don't need to know he's poly... ever.

They could be told he is after you get serious with him.

If they drive by and your car isn't there, you can say you were out with friends or a friend. You're an adult. They don't need to be all up in your business. Sure, you're in the habit of telling them everything, but you don't have to continue this. Most adults do NOT tell their parents "everything." You wouldn't tell them every detail of when you masturbate. Or how many times your orgasmed the last time you had sex. Or how many tampons you use on a heavy period day, right? Your romantic and sexual life doesn't need the knowledge and approval of your parents.

You're not poly unless you're being romantic with more than one person at once. Do you want to date more than one person? Or are you looking to find Mr Right and settle down, marry, start a household? Or do you see a long time arrangement where you're his gf, and he's married, and you maintain your own home? Or do you, and they, want a "sister wife," even if group marriage isn't legal, where you all share a home?
 
kdt26417 said:
Re:


You seem to be asking whether to have your parents meet your boyfriend in a separate meeting, before the meeting where you tell them that he is your poly boyfriend. So there would be a first meeting where you told them, "This is my boyfriend," and then, there would be a second meeting where you told them, "This is my poly boyfriend," do I have that right? If so, I would tend to say go ahead and do it in two meetings like that, you seem to be reluctant to tell your parents right away that he's poly.
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You got it right. The two things that got me is that time was not our friend the last two times and telling my parents.
 
Magdlyn said:
I'm not sure what the problem is, but maybe it's a language or cultural barrier confusing me...

You want to date a married poly man?

You're not romantically involved with his wife?

He's poly, wants to be a hinge between you and his wife?

You're monogamous, and only date him?

Your parents don't want you to date at all?

You're embarrassed to even tell them you're dating/have a bf?

They don't need to know he's poly... ever.

They could be told he is after you get serious with him.

If they drive by and your car isn't there, you can say you were out with friends or a friend. You're an adult. They don't need to be all up in your business. Sure, you're in the habit of telling them everything, but you don't have to continue this. Most adults do NOT tell their parents "everything." You wouldn't tell them every detail of when you masturbate. Or how many times your orgasmed the last time you had sex. Or how many tampons you use on a heavy period day, right? Your romantic and sexual life doesn't need the knowledge and approval of your parents.

You're not poly unless you're being romantic with more than one person at once. Do you want to date more than one person? Or are you looking to find Mr Right and settle down, marry, start a household? Or do you see a long time arrangement where you're his gf, and he's married, and you maintain your own home? Or do you, and they, want a "sister wife," even if group marriage isn't legal, where you all share a home?
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Yes I want to date poly. We have dated poly before all three of use go out, I spend the night we all have sex. I spend time with him sexually and non sexually alone and spend time non sexually alone with her. If things change when I get to know her better great. If not I'm ok too. They are looking for sister wife down the road. I also get the feeling she wants a another guy too but is not actively seeking.

I don't know what to say about my parents.
 
Also remember

I also remember why we didn't work in the past. I think I was just pushing that down and not remembering when we started talking again. since Thursday we have not communicated except for the occasional text message that he sent me while he was at work sorry I've been busy. he does communication great for a while and then he just does not communicate well and that really did not work before and is very frustrating. right now I am feeling very forgotten, very small, and not cared for or like this is not going to even work. I know we don't need to chit chat everyday 24 hours a day but we have to communicate more than just oh I'm sorry we're busy. I had all the time in the world to communicate this weekend and he may have not have but still text me or a five minutes phone conversation on the way home from work would have been suffice.
 
Well, if you are going to try again, it could help if you write down the minimums you need to feel happy in a relationship. Then ask if he can meet those.

Sounds like you want a text or 5 min phone call to check in. How often? Daily? Weekly?

What about the rest of the things you would like?

Maybe this sheet helps you articulate your stuff?

http://openingup.net/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/Creating-Authentic-Relationships-OU.pdf

Or the other ones?

http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/

Work schedule changing is part of what is needed for it to be more doable... but if you all are still not compatible because of other reasons? Best to figure that out sooner rather than later.

Galagirl
 
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Gria2004 said:
I also remember why we didn't work in the past. I think I was just pushing that down, and not remembering when we started talking again.

Since Thursday we have not communicated except for the occasional text message that he sent me while he was at work: "Sorry, I've been busy." He does communication great for a while, and then he just does not communicate well, and that really did not work before, and is very frustrating. Right now I am feeling very forgotten, very small, and not cared for, or like this is not going to even work.

I know we don't need to chit chat everyday 24 hours a day, but we have to communicate more than just "Oh I'm sorry, we're busy." I had all the time in the world to communicate this weekend, and he may have not have, but still text me, or a five minutes phone conversation on the way home from work would have been suffice.
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OK, so despite what they may call it, it sounds like a fun sex thing for them. To sort of use you as a sex toy when they feel like it, and put you up on a shelf when they are "too busy." They may be baiting you with this idea of "a sister wife sometime in the future." This, as it is, is not poly. This is a sex thing, a playtime threeway.

"Dating poly" does not mean dating 2 people who are also involved with each other. You may enjoy threesome sex, but most poly people do not do threesome sex. Most people date multiple people independently.

If you want to have sex with a partnered couple, fine. Keep it light. Don't expect a serious commitment. Consider it an experiment which is fulfilling sexually, perhaps, but not a real gf/bf/gf kind of thing.

You sound young and confused. And very much mother and father's little girl. Why not branch into a more independent adult life more gradually than headfirst into menage a trois land?

But it's up to you to decide. I only offer advice from my interpretation of your brief posts.
 
Galagirl

GalaGirl said:
Well, if you are going to try again, it could help if you write down the minimums you need to feel happy in a relationship. Then ask if he can meet those.

Sounds like you want a text or 5 min phone call to check in. How often? Daily? Weekly?

What about the rest of the things you would like?

Maybe this sheet helps you articulate your stuff?

http://openingup.net/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/Creating-Authentic-Relationships-OU.pdf

Or the other ones?

http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/

Work schedule changing is part of what is needed for it to be more doable... but if you all are still not compatible because of other reasons? Best to figure that out sooner rather than later.

Galagirl
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Hi I would like contact every day. It doesn't always have to be alot just something little like how's your day. You want to chat sure I will honor that. Some days we will have more time for each other then others I know that, but to not try and talk to me since Thursday is hard because I wanted to chat. I was available and if I wasn't I make time if he needed to chat. I need alot of chat right now to know for sure this is going to work and we are trying to see if we still match. I hope that last part makes since I wasn't sure how to word it.

I will think of things yes and I will check out the links thanks. Sounds like a good idea.
 
Magdlyn said:
OK, so despite what they may call it, it sounds like a fun sex thing for them. To sort of use you as a sex toy when they feel like it, and put you up on a shelf when they are "too busy." They may be baiting you with this idea of "a sister wife sometime in the future." This, as it is, is not poly. This is a sex thing, a playtime threeway.

"Dating poly" does not mean dating 2 people who are also involved with each other. You may enjoy threesome sex, but most poly people do not do threesome sex. Most people date multiple people independently.

If you want to have sex with a partnered couple, fine. Keep it light. Don't expect a serious commitment. Consider it an experiment which is fulfilling sexually, perhaps, but not a real gf/bf/gf kind of thing.

You sound young and confused. And very much mother and father's little girl. Why not branch into a more independent adult life more gradually than headfirst into menage a trois land?

But it's up to you to decide. I only offer advice from my interpretation of your brief posts.
Click to expand...

Hi maybe you are right about the sex toy thing. Only time will tell on that one. I'm not young and confused. I know what I want. I want them in a relationship just like we talked about. If this doesn't work then I want to date a girl or someone open. I'm 35 by the way live on my own, pay my bills, and go to work. I have poly relationship that worked out well at the time. Don't know what else to say.
 
Hi got answer back to text that I sent him early. Do you want this to work?? I need more communications. His sponce was Ok, yes I do, yes I am busy. I was hoping I didn't have to chat everyday. I have a show that a few of us do as a podcast and this has been taking up time . Also, we have an old friend that is back in the area and we all get to talking. This wont work if it is going to be like this that is for sure.
I feel like ones none of this going in. Didn't know the friends were back, that he even had a podcast, that he didn't want to talk everyday. I did tell him I wanted to communicate every day a little we talked about that.

Do I have the wrong idea of what relationship should be? Am I just to sit around not knowing if we will talk, see each other, or if we're still doing this? I thought in a relationship to make it work you needed to communicate every day not alot some days but a check-in to see what's up, how I'm doing but I guess not. This not first guy that said this.

Magdlyn I think your right. They want me but not to put in the work just put me on a shelf.

It sucks looks like I'm back to online dating which never worked for me. Most guys up here are not as open and women don't respond back. Any ideas on this?
 
I feel like ones none of this going in. Didn't know the friends were back, that he even had a podcast, that he didn't want to talk everyday. I did tell him I wanted to communicate every day a little we talked about that.
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Maybe the friends just did a surprise visit... but it sounds like he doesn't actually have the time. His job hours changed, but he picked up this podcast thing. And he doesn't want to talk daily.

Maybe closer fit than before, but STILL not a fit.

Do I have the wrong idea of what relationship should be?
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You know what YOU want from YOUR relationships. You get to have your personal standard. Just like everyone else gets theirs. It's not "wrong" to want what you want. It also doesn't have to be what other people want. Ex: I like and have to stick close to home with eldercare. I wouldn't work with a world traveler right now.

Go seek someone who wants same things. So what if other guys you dated don't want that? That's the point of dating isn't it? To find the ones who ARE compatible. And not everyone you date will be a match.

It sucks looks like I'm back to online dating which never worked for me. Most guys up here are not as open and women don't respond back. Any ideas on this?
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Then don't online date for a bit. Do something else. Ask friends to introduce you, go join stuff and do stuff you like. Be it volunteering or sport or hobby. Mingle. Get out there. Then if you try online dating again -- change where you online date or how you do your profiles. Mix it up some.

But first things first -- attend to your medical stuff.

Hang in there.

Galagirl
 
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Update

We have been over since I posted that. He didn't want to talk everyday but could not tell me when we would so it ended. Since then I re-uploaded my profile to online dating site. Since then I have two guys interested in me. One farther away and one only about 30 minutes from me. It's crazy because I go from no bits to lots and two I'm excited about. The one closet we might have a date on Sunday morning since I work nights and will have a crazy week with extra famy In town. The only reason I say might is because when texted him Sunday coffee/tea in one message and was typing another message about the two other nights that might work and I'm going to bed for work. He text messeged really close after saying we can. So I asked him which one would work. I didn't hear anything by the time I got up for work it 10 pm I messaged him how about coffee/tea 8am a place by me that makes great chai teas. Chai tea his favorite. We will see when he wakes up. So nervous and excited. He is close to perfect.
 
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Hi Gria,
So glad you have a new prospect, I hope he will go for the chai tea thing, keep us posted.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Sorry to hear about the break up.

But glad to hear you have moved on to promising potentials.

GL!
Galagirl
 
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