How to cope with lovesickness as secondary

[polycurious84]

I’m very new to the poly world.

I’m kinda a secondary to a girl who’s having a primary relationship for two years.
I’m seeing her for one month and everything went fine. I accept and respect her relation with her primary and everything was fine till that weekend.

We have been appointed for two weeks and her primary was okay with that.
Until a day before. Than he was not feeling well of her seeing me. And so she cancelled our date one hour before we were meeting out of nowhere. And spent the time with her primary and caring for his wellbeing.

Now I’m completely destroyed and crying for the third day.
Cause she said she will do it always like this, if he’s not fine.
And that I have no rights towards her.
This leaves me in an very unpleasant position.
I want to commit in this relationship and she kinda too. But her primary wants her not commit too much.

What makes things worse, I’m pretty infatuated, I’m moving away in a 2h distant city, I’m little depressive even without this.

I totally respect her primary, but don’t want to be left destroyed like that.
I said a compromise would be much better the next time.
I would have been fine spending the time in a threesome with them.

I’m completely lost howto cope with that. And my feelings are totally through the roof and almost unbearable (I’m kinda highly sensitive person).

Break up immediately to end my suffering and protect myself?
Wait a few weeks how things turn out?
Fight for some rights which is likely to end up in a breakup by her?

 

[vinsanity0]

I would break up with someone who told me that's how it is. Obviously she is not looking for a serious relationship. The best I would offer a person like that is an occasional booty call if I wasn't too busy.

 

[vinsanity0]

Oh, and what you need to cope with is figuring out why you would get so broken up over sometime you barely know. Not everyone you meet is going to be the one, or one of the ones.

 

[GalaGirl]

I would break up.

Cause she said she will do it always like this, if he’s not fine.

She's basically said he always comes first. And if he complains she will dump you on short notice -- even one hour before your date.

To me breaking a date like that? Unless it is a sudden emergency like a car crash? Standing you up is HER being rude to YOU.

And that I have no rights towards her.

Correct. You do not own her.

But you do own YOUR choices. And you can decide you want to be treated well. And if she stinks at treating you well? She's rude to you a lot? She doesn't meet your personal dating standard for how you want to be treated? You can end it with her and move on. You don't have to keep hanging around with people who treat you poorly. You can stop.

What makes things worse, I’m pretty infatuated, I’m moving away in a 2h distant city, I’m little depressive even without this.

It's ok to be bummed out. It's a crap way to be treated. Take the time you need to heal.

Move to your new town. Take the time to get to know the place, make new friends, and when you are ready to date again, date.

If you know you are a highly sensitive person? Raise your standards to match. Take longer to vet people and decide you do NOT put up with people who treat you poorly.

Break up immediately to end my suffering and protect myself?

Yes. Because she puts her BF first no matter what and treats you poorly. If he calls, she goes running, breaking dates with you just an hour before the date. That's bad manners. You deserve better manners than than from a dating partner.

Wait a few weeks how things turn out?

For what? You are moving anyway.

End it so you can move fresh and start over fresh. You only dated her a month. It's not a long investment.

Fight for some rights which is likely to end up in a breakup by her?

If all she can offer you is scraps, why beg for them? Easier to move and start over with someone who can offer you more.

I want to commit in this relationship and she kinda too. But her primary wants her not commit too much.

Why?

Why do you want to commit to the relationship when you don't know each other well, have only been dating a month, the BF doesn't really sound like he wants to do poly, and she treats you poorly?

It's ok to be highly sensitive, but you don't have to get attached so fast or wear your heart on your sleeve. In fact, if you ARE sensitive, maybe better to take more time and go slower? So you don't get dinged?

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hello polycurious84,

There is something you need to read, it is called, Secondaries' Bill of Rights. As a secondary, you still have rights, and she is not respecting that. Her breaking her date with you (for less than an emergency) is totally uncool. And now she is telling you that it's always going to be like this. You deserve better. Fight for your rights and if she refuses to acknowledge them, break up. You are moving two hours away anyhow; might as well get a fresh start. That's my opinion anyway.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[polycurious84]

Why do you want to commit to the relationship when you don't know each other well, have only been dating a month, the BF doesn't really sound like he wants to do poly, and she treats you poorly?

Really good question, I have to think about that.
Because being infatuated makes me wanna commit in a relationship.

It's ok to be highly sensitive, but you don't have to get attached so fast or wear your heart on your sleeve. In fact, if you ARE sensitive, maybe better to take more time and go slower? So you don't get dinged?

It’s been like that for a long time. I guess I really need to try to go slower. Not sure how to yet.

 

[polycurious84]

Hello polycurious84,

There is something you need to read, it is called, Secondaries' Bill of Rights. As a secondary, you still have rights, and she is not respecting that. Her breaking her date with you (for less than an emergency) is totally uncool. And now she is telling you that it's always going to be like this. You deserve better. Fight for your rights and if she refuses to acknowledge them, break up. You are moving two hours away anyhow; might as well get a fresh start. That's my opinion anyway.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

Thanks for the link and your input

 

[polycurious84]

Oh, and what you need to cope with is figuring out why you would get so broken up over sometime you barely know. Not everyone you meet is going to be the one, or one of the ones.

That’s a good point too. We met six times.
The longest time almost 24 hours and a second time 13 hours.
That’s quiet some time. And it felt better from time to time.
The primary/secondary thing worked also quiet well till now.
There was even a threesome cuddling once.

But you are kinda right. I don’t know her very well.
But how to tell your heart to not get infatuated?

 

[SenatorBinks27]

But you are kinda right. I don’t know her very well.
But how to tell your heart to not get infatuated?

You can't really control how you feel, but you can control what you do with those feelings. You decide whether you ignore the pain and accept things as they are, or whether you leave it behind and find sonething better suited to your needs, or worse actions I won't talk about because I do not reccommend and only mention to drive the point home that feeling does not necessarily have to dictate action.

Whatever else you may be feeling, it almost certainly includes New Relationship Energy (NRE). Now I'm a newbie like you - even worse off being currently partnerless - and those who have been living poly longer and more completely can go into more detail on how it specifically effects poly groups and relationships. But the basic concept I would argue is pretty damn universal (and thank you folks for giving it a name). When you're with a new person, that newness spices everything and makes each interaction that much more euphoric, that pull and drive much stronger.

And it is okay to enjoy it, but one needs to keep in mind that sooner or later it fades and it can fade at different times for different people - and that's when the underlying strength of the relationship is most important and most telling for its future. And if two people aren't on the same page, that pleasure can turn to pain real damn quick.

So recognizing that as a potential source of the intensity might help you keep a cooler head in order to decide. whether or not this arrangement is right for you.

 

[GalaGirl]

Because being infatuated makes me wanna commit in a relationship.

Then that cannot be the only "ruler" you go by if you want to go slower.

It’s been like that for a long time. I guess I really need to try to go slower. Not sure how to yet.

Could change your personal standard.

From simply "I feel infatuated" to some other criteria. Like... and I quote just to visually box it off....

Before I allow myself to get attached?

1) I must feel attracted/infatuated with the person.

2) X months must have gone by WITH Y dates so we know each other better

3) The person must treat me well with good manners and respect consistently. If we have disagreements, we work it out respectfully, not mean.

4) I need to feel safe in this relationship and can trust the person

What other things would you list? Could raise the bar on your personal standard. It could be more than just "infatuated."

Galagirl

 

[FallenAngelina]

Fight for some rights which is likely to end up in a breakup by her?

In addition to all of the great comments, I'd add that any time a person feels that she needs to "fight for some rights," there is already so much going off the rails, the least of which is whatever the other person is dishing out. If you are living in such great fear of abandonment (by someone you barely know, as has been pointed out) were you to present your terms for further intimacy, then you have a lot to unpack about that fear. The fear you feel has little to do with these people and everything to do with your internal landscape. An emotionally healthy thinking person would not be drawn to such a situation in which her own needs and wishes were irrelevant. This situation with relative strangers is so charged, not because this woman is so magical, but because you bring a lot that is internally unresolved. Indeed, why do you become so infatuated and so attached and so committed so quickly? That's the central question here, not all of the drama around this woman and this couple.

What can you get out of this opportunity to take a closer look at how you approach intimacy?