Tanking libido in response to change in metamour situation?

M

MsEmotional

Member
Has this happened to anyone else?

One of my partners (Ponytail) recently became sexually involved with two of the people he had been dating. Since the start of this shift, I have been feeling weirdly resistant to having sex with him. I will get all excited about it, but when we are actually together and the opportunity presents itself I will just kind of lose interest. I feel confused and shitty about it. In the past few weeks I have only had sex with Ponytail once and I was kind of pushing myself to do it because I thought that if I just did it things would feel normal again. But they didn’t....

I figured it was just stress but my sex life with my other partners has not been affected and so I am starting to wonder if it is about some feelings I am having around him being in these new relationships. Like maybe I am subconsciously anxious about my performance now that there are others to be compared to. Or maybe I feel like he is getting plenty of sex elsewhere. Or maybe I’m testing him to see if he will still love me.

I really started to worry yesterday. We literally went to a sex toy shop together and I was getting all turned on looking at and talking about the different products. Then we went out for a drink and my cocktail was really strong and so we were laughing and being all flirty and I thought for sure that we would have sex when we got back. But did we? Nope. As soon as we got to my bedroom all desire left me and all I ended up doing was talking about how I don’t understand why I don’t want to have sex anymore. Ponytail was very supportive, said I probably needed some time to process all the changes, that he would love to have sex with me whenever I am ready....weirdly my internal reaction to that was, “oh of course he would say that. He is already having so much sex he doesnt care if you ever have sex again.”

I *know* that’s not true — I know he still really *wants* to have sex with me, but wants to be respectful of my feelings. I know that he still finds me sexy and I truly believe that it is better for our relationship as a whole for him to have other partners and so I am happy that this is the place we have gotten to.

And yet that’s where my brain went. and so it feels like I am dealing with some issues that are coming out in weird ways.

Has this happened to anyone else?
 
Hi MsE,

It kind of sounds like on some subconscious level, you are feeling demoted by his new sex partners, like you lost your position of his *only* sex partner, and now on some level you suspect he is no longer turned on by you. If this is what is going on in your subconscious, it would go a long way toward explaining why you are not wanting sex with him. You need to know that you are important to him, that you are exciting to him. Can I ask, what/how much do you know about his new sex partners? Could this be some kind of fear of the unknown, or is there something you *do* know about them that rubs you the wrong way? Either way, you need to do some digging to figure out what is going on in your subconscious. Heck, this could all be coincidental, like it might actually be a wearing off of NRE, and it just happened to occur at the same time as when he acquired these new sex partners. Or it could be a combination of things.

Hopefully it's just temporary, but who knows.
Sympathetic regards,
Kevin T.
 
I've had this happen with Hubby before. It was when I did not care for the person he was with, so it was totally my negative feelings about that. Like I felt like I was having sex with someone I didn't like when I was having sex with him so I totally just lost interest.
 
I've had this happen with two of Blue's previous partners. In my case it was a combination of feeling demoted and not feeling validated by my partner. I try to give my metamores consideration but in these two cases it wasn't reciprocated (as in they didn't want my partner to call or text me when he was with them but would call and text incessantly while I was with him, etc. ) I know that was really a boundary issue with Blue and it is not necessary for metamores to be considerate of one another, but I prefer polycules where everyone is respectful of one another.

Ultimately, the issue was with Blue and that's why I didn't want sex with him. We actually broke up for several months after the first one.
 
MsEmotional said:
I am starting to wonder if it is about some feelings I am having around him being in these new relationships. Like maybe I am subconsciously anxious about my performance now that there are others to be compared to. Or maybe I feel like he is getting plenty of sex elsewhere. Or maybe I’m testing him to see if he will still love me.
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It does sound like some kind of jealousy or insecurity.
To me it's interesting that it only happens once you get into the bedroom - but maybe it's not weird at all, because that's where the possibility gets real.
What exactly are you feeling? That's something only you can answer. Give it dedicated introspective time.

I once read about an imaginative exercise to identify jealousy triggers: It consisted of imagining the other on his date, going through all the details (that you imagine) - him calling the other, getting ready for the date, being there, talking, laughing, kissing, having sex ... and just noticing what thought or image makes you jealous. Maybe you could use this practice - either as proposed, or maybe going through your own date and having sex with Ponytail in your imagination, to see where exactly the trigger is.

When you introspect, it could be intense. Be prepared to cry or otherwise get in touch with the underlying emotion.
 
I think you said in another post that he was being sneaky about when he was on dates. You'd text him and he wouldn't answer in his usual time frame, but you wouldn't find out until later that he was on a date with someone and didn't want to answer his texts.

I would bet this is just part of that whole thing. It sounds like growing pains over this new idea of Ponytail going from being mono with you, to being poly. Work on negotiating more. Having less desire for him seems like a symptom of this transitional phase, which is uncomfortable and unfamiliar to both of you.
 
Thanks everyone. Yeah, it feels like growing pains around the change in our situation. We had a good night last night though. I think it will be okay, we just need time.

I’ve used that jealousy visualization exercise that Tinwen mentioned before. I think where I get stuck is the literal moment when I imagine them having sex. Like the moment I imagine him getting an erection with someone else.

I also get really frustrated with myself because I will catch myself “reassuring” myself with the thought that he describes these other relationships as not being very intense. I will think, “MsEmotional, you don’t need to worry. He can have these other great relationships and yours can still be the most important.” And then I get angry at myself because obviously I don’t feel like that is “ok” for me to think — I want to be okay with the reality that these or any other relationships that Ponytail has could become very important and even more important that his relationship with me. And that should be okay, right?
 
Well, it is understandable that you would have anxiety about the possibility of becoming *less* important to him than somebody else. You have gotten comfortable with the idea of being the *most* important person to him, now you are trying to cope with the idea of that changing.
 
MsEmotional said:
... I know that he still finds me sexy and I truly believe that it is better for our relationship as a whole for him to have other partners and so I am happy that this is the place we have gotten to.

And yet that’s where my brain went. and so it feels like I am dealing with some issues that are coming out in weird ways ...
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What I see here is a lack of interrelatedness. That means there's an imbalance that has left you feeling excluded. So your feelings are perfectly natural. As this relates to polyamory, I'd start here: Interrelationships
 
MsEmotional said:
I’ve used that jealousy visualization exercise that Tinwen mentioned before. I think where I get stuck is the literal moment when I imagine them having sex. Like the moment I imagine him getting an erection with someone else.
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Glad it was useful.
The trigger is understandable. What's so horrible about that thought? What do you make it mean?

Can you have a close look at the emotional charge you assign to the image, and after you've lived it, attempt to let it go?
Is there a genuine need of yours in danger, is there something you need to take care of or ask your partner for?

(Feeling special or cared for or desired is also a need.)

The second line of questioning might be - and I have no idea if it's useful - why does the image come? Why can you, for most of the evening, forget about his other partners, but at some point, you're reminded?
 
Tinwen said:
Glad it was useful.
The trigger is understandable. What's so horrible about that thought? What do you make it mean?

Can you have a close look at the emotional charge you assign to the image, and after you've lived it, attempt to let it go?
Click to expand...

I think that it is a matter of not feeling as special anymore. Part of it is our D/s dynamic. When he looks in my eyes and says that he belongs to me, it feels false -- or, at the very least, it feels different....and different in a way that feels like I have lost something. He says that to him, it doesn't feel any different. That he doesn't feel any less "mine" -- but I know that that can change as he grows closer to other partners, and that makes me feel weird and unsexy. Like I feel like I want to throw our D/s dynamic out the window because it feels like it is preventing him from having truly authentic relationships with these other partners....but I understand that *he* doesn't see those other relationships as inauthentic.....to him they feel completely authentic for what they are....he just still feels like he will always belong to me.

Part of it is that he doesn't prioritize sex as highly as I do.....or rather, to him sex is an enjoyable thing to do, whereas for me it is emotionally-charged and intense. If we're talking about intercourse, I've only had sex with Glasses, Ponytail and Whiskers -- three partners that I am still with now. If we're talking about a broader definition of sex, the list only grows to about 7-8 partners ever. So for him to tell me that he belongs to me, and yet have sex with someone else? It kind of breaks my brain.


The second line of questioning might be - and I have no idea if it's useful - why does the image come? Why can you, for most of the evening, forget about his other partners, but at some point, you're reminded?
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It comes at two different times:

1. It comes when he is out with them and it is late and I want to call him to talk before bed, but I know that he is still out late with another partner. The reason it bothers me then is that I feel like I need something from him (attention, affection) and it isn't available. It hurts a little, but I can recognize what's going on and it doesn't really affect the rest of our relationship. I can respect the fact that he is entitled to time with others and that I want him to enjoy a social life beyond me.

2. The more problematic time that the image comes to me is when we are about to have sex. It usually happens when he is touching me or telling me that he belongs to me. Then an intense train of thought takes over . . .

He does this with them too. He's lying about belonging to me. He isn't lying, it's just that he doesn't feel the same way about them that he feels about me. Why do I take solace in that? I'm such an asshole. He should love them just as much as he loves me and I should be happy, damnit.
 
For what it’s worth, it’s possible to have sex with multiple people and only feel like you _belong_ to one. And that’s actually very weird in a poly circumstance too, I’m pretty sure I’ve talked about that - there’s a particular flavor of D/s tinged connection, almost ownership, that I only feel with Artist despite sex with Knight and others, and sometimes that feels unfair to Knight. I’d never tell Knight I belonged to him when I wasn’t feeling it - in fact I rarely say the words at all to Artist.
 
This is a very deep question regarding M/s dynamics. I am sure if you brought it up on certain groups on Fetlife, you would get a broad range of opinions from non-mono 24/7 lifestyle Masters, Mistresses and their slaves or pets.

In polyamory proper, each person is their own master or mistress, and their own primary. It might feel fun and exciting and even feel safe, to believe one is owned by another, or owns another, but in polyamory, we are individuals in charge of ourselves.

What are you afraid of, really? Any autonomy at all from Ponytail currently upsets you. Yet earlier you felt he was too dependent on you.
 
Magdlyn said:
This is a very deep question regarding M/s dynamics. I am sure if you brought it up on certain groups on Fetlife, you would get a broad range of opinions from non-mono 24/7 lifestyle Masters, Mistresses and their slaves or pets.

In polyamory proper, each person is their own master or mistress, and their own primary. It might feel fun and exciting and even feel safe, to believe one is owned by another, or owns another, but in polyamory, we are individuals in charge of ourselves.

What are you afraid of, really? Any autonomy at all from Ponytail currently upsets you. Yet earlier you felt he was too dependent on you.
Click to expand...

I think it isn’t so much a feeling a fear so much as it is just general discomfort and....annoyance? I suppose maybe those are masking feelings of fear, but the way that it plays out in my head is more of a feeling of frustration that he still wants to say that he “belongs” to me when there is such hard evidence that that just isn’t true.

It’s kind of like (I imagine) how it would feel for a mono couple where one partner wants to get married and the other just wants to live together. To the partner who wants to get married, hearing the other talk about “my spouse” or “my better half” or other phrases traditionally associated with marriage would probably feel phoney and annoying.

That’s, I think, how it feels to me when Ponytail talks about belonging to me. It feels like a charade, whereas before it felt more legitimate (even if, I know, he was never technically “mine”).

His happened before too....at other times when he has become interested in others....it has felt like the D/s aspect is hard for me to reconcile.
 
Ah! So it sounds to me as though it is the meaning of "belong" that gives trouble. Maybe you can think about that and see if there are ways that he can demonstrate belonging? Also, berating yourself in the momment is unlikely to help your mood.

Leetah
 
MsEmotional said:
I think that it is a matter of not feeling as special anymore. Part of it is our D/s dynamic. When he looks in my eyes and says that he belongs to me, it feels false -- or, at the very least, it feels different....and different in a way that feels like I have lost something. He says that to him, it doesn't feel any different. That he doesn't feel any less "mine" -- but I know that that can change as he grows closer to other partners, and that makes me feel weird and unsexy.
Click to expand...

Leetah said:
Ah! So it sounds to me as though it is the meaning of "belong" that gives trouble. Maybe you can think about that and see if there are ways that he can demonstrate belonging? Also, berating yourself in the momment is unlikely to help your mood.

Leetah
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Exactly. Damn, this has been our topic too - can we keep a feeling of ownership if I date others? We haven't found quite a satisfactory answer, or rather, I don't date much and I feel a little more "mine".

It sounds like you might need to discuss the meaning of belonging, the changing DS dynamics, but also the parts that aren't changing - in which ways are you still special and are likely to stay special?
Your personality and your flavour of dominance stays unique, even if he does the exact same things with others. But knowing that, feeling how your relationship and sex life is unique, that's not always easy!
 
Tinwen said:
Exactly. Damn, this has been our topic too - can we keep a feeling of ownership if I date others? We haven't found quite a satisfactory answer, or rather, I don't date much and I feel a little more "mine".

It sounds like you might need to discuss the meaning of belonging, the changing DS dynamics, but also the parts that aren't changing - in which ways are you still special and are likely to stay special?
Your personality and your flavour of dominance stays unique, even if he does the exact same things with others. But knowing that, feeling how your relationship and sex life is unique, that's not always easy!
Click to expand...

Yeah, to me, there is no way for him to belong to me while he has independent relationships. But every time I bring up the idea of doing away with the D/s dynamic and focusing on egalitarian polyamory, he says that he sees no inconsistency and feels just as much “mine” as he ever does — even when he is with someone else. It breaks my brain.
 
What I don't understand is where is the reciprocal nature of this "belonging" feeling you describe. If you only feel like he belongs to you if he is sexually monogamous, what feelings are you giving him, since you're having sex with two other people? I understand that it's the other half of the dynamic, but if the power given and received doesn't balance out, it feels like something is off to me. Especially if you're the one that views sex as such an intimate/emotional part of the D/s connection.

I view D/s and M/s differently, but that doesn't make you wrong. My husband and I are 24/7 D/s. We've drawn those boundaries that his interactions with others don't intrude on our connection in terms of D/s (i.e. even if he had a Dom play partner that they could not make rules affecting him at home without my consent) and that I don't make rules affecting his interactions with others, beyond stating my boundaries with regards to safer sex and the like. Picture a very clearly delineated map!

Or, if it helps, I joke that he is still mine, but that doesn't mean I don't share him. To boil it all the way to extremes, if I loan a friend a book, it can still be my book while they're using it. I just expect to have it returned in reasonable condition ;)

It works for us. You'll have to find a way that works for you.
 
MsEmotional said:
Yeah, to me, there is no way for him to belong to me while he has independent relationships. But every time I bring up the idea of doing away with the D/s dynamic and focusing on egalitarian polyamory, he says that he sees no inconsistency and feels just as much “mine” as he ever does — even when he is with someone else. It breaks my brain.
Click to expand...

Maybe it's worth comparing to a parent/child relationship. Sure, your kid is YOUR kid, you take care of them, you're the parent in charge, but they are also an autonomous human being. They're going to make plenty of their own decisions and as a good parent, you're going to respect that.

Such is with D/s and poly that there has to be an understanding that while yes, someone "belongs" to you, the fact that you have a mutual agreement as part of your relationship that they have autonomy in their outside relationships doesn't mean they don't belong to you anymore. It just means that they belong to you in a way that you have both agreed to.

I haven't read it yet, but it's on my to-read list: the book is Power Circuits: Polyamory in a Power Dynamic by Raven Kaldera. I can't give any reviews, but it was referenced in a different poly book a read recently and just made a note of.
 
Vicki82 said:
What I don't understand is where is the reciprocal nature of this "belonging" feeling you describe. If you only feel like he belongs to you if he is sexually monogamous, what feelings are you giving him, since you're having sex with two other people? I understand that it's the other half of the dynamic, but if the power given and received doesn't balance out, it feels like something is off to me. Especially if you're the one that views sex as such an intimate/emotional part of the D/s connection.
Click to expand...

I don’t really understand what you mean. To my mind, there is an inherent one-sidedness to ownership. I give him a lot, but I have never given him monogamy because that has never been part of our dynamic. He has always wanted me to have control over him sexually — orgasm control, etc — and so this is a totally new playing field for us. I feel like he still wants me to control him but it’s like..... pretend now.

I view D/s and M/s differently, but that doesn't make you wrong. My husband and I are 24/7 D/s. We've drawn those boundaries that his interactions with others don't intrude on our connection in terms of D/s (i.e. even if he had a Dom play partner that they could not make rules affecting him at home without my consent) and that I don't make rules affecting his interactions with others, beyond stating my boundaries with regards to safer sex and the like. Picture a very clearly delineated map!

Or, if it helps, I joke that he is still mine, but that doesn't mean I don't share him. To boil it all the way to extremes, if I loan a friend a book, it can still be my book while they're using it. I just expect to have it returned in reasonable condition ;)

It works for us. You'll have to find a way that works for you.
Click to expand...

Yeah, I have thought about it from the “sharing/loaning” perspective, but it doesn’t really help in this circumstance because I have never met these people. He has a friend who he has a crush on who I have met and get along great with — if it were her that he was involved with? I would reconcile it as that I am happy to share him with her and call it a day. But I have never met these women and so that doesn’t work for me.

I have tried to think of it more generically too — like running a library instead of lending a book to a friend. I might never even know the people who take out the books, but I expect them returned to me....that kind of thing. But at the end of the day, what kind of librarian lends their personal books to strangers? And if they are public domain books then they aren’t really mine, are they?

Yeah, I get lost in the analogies.
 
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