An Unexpected Reaction

[dingedheart]

Thanks for the clarification on a few things. The picture I got was Ben living there full time all the time and with that kitchen table poly would most likely include notification of young people in the house ? How old is your daughter now ?

 

[Al99]

Thanks for the clarification on a few things. The picture I got was Ben living there full time all the time and with that kitchen table poly would most likely include notification of young people in the house ? How old is your daughter now ?

Our daughter is under ten - and, due to her young age as well as a number of other considerations - both pragmatic and philosophical, we have decided it is best not to discuss the polyamorous nature of our relationship with her - and we are all careful to be appropriate around her. She is soundly asleep by nine on school nights, and the adult situations occur after that.

Having followed a number of the discussions here on this subject, I know that many others would decide otherwise in this situation, but for us - with no judgment as to those who choose differently - we believe that our choice is best for our family.

Al

 

[icesong]

Obviously (as I’ve expounded on at length in various posts here) we’ve made different choices with our 8year old, sometimes to good effect and sometimes ill. No judgement here either and I totally get the practical reasons you might make that choice, but I am _very_ curious as to your philosophical ones.

 

[Al99]

Obviously (as I’ve expounded on at length in various posts here) we’ve made different choices with our 8 year old, sometimes to good effect and sometimes ill. No judgement here either and I totally get the practical reasons you might make that choice, but I am _very_ curious as to your philosophical ones.

The issue for us is that the pragmatic and philosophic are somewhat intertwined - due to such factors as family background, demographics (very conservative part of the country), and career. For example, we are fortunate in our careers to be able to do some genuinely good work for some of those in need - but being openly poly could potentially negatively impact that ability. If we were in a more liberal area, that might be less of an issue.

And for myself, I do believe that if you tell your children, one has to be prepared to be fully open. It seems to me that is both unrealistic and unfair to expect children to "keep family secrets".

But again, this is just us - based our current situation. And, as our daughter gets older, and depending our relationship situation, that might change. But again - with no judgment as to those who choose otherwise - depending on their situations.

Al

 

[icesong]

I agree that if kids know, you have to assume the whole world will eventually! Or at least be prepared for it.

 

[Vicki82]

I am not sure that has to be the case- worrying about kids talking- but I guess it depends on the kid.

We talked to our (now ten year old) son and described it to him as privacy, not as secrets. We talked about things in his life that were true and nothing bad, but that they were family stuff and not public stuff. I think he understood the distinction because it's been close to a year now and there have been no repercussions. He really enjoys spending time with Charles, who comes over once a week while Kiddo is awake and we have dinner and play board games as a family before Henry goes out for his weekly night with friends, Kiddo goes to bed, and we have our date night.

 

[LBeyond]

[Veaux] honored the veto, but said that the pain was so great for both of them, that it ultimately led to the marriage ending in divorce - thus pointing out the danger of the veto . . . veto power over a partner's choices is a bad idea. Advice to those considering poly: don't include it in your contract - no matter how logical or safe it may seem to be - it can only lead to hurt for all involved.

It's been a few months over a year since I've been on these forums... One of the last things I said in an update was:

At this point, looking at the whole of things that's happened, I find myself struggling to handle loving my wife. Not struggling to love her, but... the demands she put on me during our triad, the things she said and told me, it hurt our friend and I a lot.

My wife and I are still struggling to repair the damage done. I've met up with our ex (U) only once since, with permission, to discuss and apologize for what I felt I'd done to her during the break. I'd been riddled with daily guilt over it until then, just this October. I could finally put that guilt to rest. The conversation reminded me how respectable and kind woman U is, and allowed me to really heal from the event. I just wish I could help my wife move forward.

The mere notion that I loved (and honestly, still love) U destroyed my wife's concept of a soul mate; that loss often puts her into depressive tailspins, where our entire relationship becomes a sham, a lie, and should be ended sooner rather than later. Again, my wife suffers from schizoaffective disorder with plenty of paranoid delusions and vocal hallucinations egging on these ideas, and the thoughts themselves are not always present... the most extreme versions of this mindset exist 2-3 times a month, wavering between that and a midground, with a few days each month where the whole ordeal seems practically forgotten. I am still making every choice I can for her, but my God, it has gotten so difficult for the both of us to just maintain that closeness we've had, and get intermittently between these episodes.

In the off-and-on year I took reading up on poly before any attempt, I never read about vetos. I certainly didn't anticipate falling as hard as I did, coupled with the NRE, and losing it so suddenly. I feel like I should have anticipated my wife's long-term reaction, but then my therapist says I don't know what would've happened if I chose to deny my wife the chance at exploring her bisexuality... Not really seeking advice on all this, or trying to hijack; just further backing your statement on vetos since I'm still trying to work through the aftermath of one. What a coincidence that yours was the most-recent thread when I finally made it back to these forums.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi LBeyond,

I remember your earlier dilemma from last year ... that was a very sad situation, one where your wife (M) thought she could handle poly, but then it turned out to be too much for her. The thing is, once you start poly, you can never completely put the lid back on that jar. Your marriage with M has been permanently altered, both for you and for M. Presumably, the two of you will remain monogamous for the rest of your lives, but you will never stop yearning for poly, nor will you be able to forget U, and M will always remember that you loved U, and that will hurt M's self-esteem, her feeling of specialness, and her faith in the marriage. You can only hope that in ten or twenty years, things will have improved a little.

I do think your post here in this thread is very relevant, and will help anyone who reads the thread. Especially people who are struggling, they will know that they're not alone. Thank you for sharing your difficulties, I know it can't be easy. As for your wife's veto, I'm not sure you had much choice on what to do. Would you have wanted M to divorce you? I don't think so. So sometimes a veto just is, even if you never agreed to veto power ahead of time, your wife can still put down an ultimatum, and most people do not want a divorce. Even if their marriage isn't perfect, there are many things they love about their spouse, and they would not want to end that. In that sense, the possibility of a veto is always lurking in the background.

Polyamory is not without its risk factor, I think the moral here is that one must investigate the risks as much as possible, before moving forward with poly. Al99's story is an example of when poly works out for the best for everyone -- after certain hurdles are surmounted. Your story provides a counterpart to that -- an example of when the hurdles prove too high, and the consequences of pursuing poly in that scenario. People often hear about poly and think, "Oh awesome! What could possibly go wrong? As long as we (have veto power, and) always put the marriage first ..." Sure you can go back to monogamy if the poly doesn't work, but there is a real danger to both individuals' self-esteem, and to the marriage itself. You can't just blithely forage ahead because poly sounds good.

In your case, M realized she was bisexual, and without polyamory, she would not have been able to explore that. So that is a case where not exploring poly is also a risk. How would she feel in ten or twenty years if she had never given her bisexuality a chance? Sometimes you have to try polyamory before you can really know whether it will work. And in your case, there is a fine balance to be had between the dangers of polyamory and the need to explore one's bisexuality. To be honest, I almost wonder if M won't eventually want to try again, perhaps not in a triad situation but more like a V. If that time ever comes, you will have to decide if you are willing to take that risk, and if you are willing to be one of the two partners who only has M as a partner.

Your case is one in which you, too, were subjected to an unexpected reaction.
With sympathy,
Kevin T.