This seems so fast, but doesn't feel wrong

[Eris]

So, I've looked through pages of posts and not really seen anything to address what I'm wondering about. I seriously apologize if this is long...but I will try to make it as short as I can.

I have always known I was Poly, that is not up for question and I used to identify as Bi as well. I had a lover and then met my soon to be ex husband. Got married and for a while our relationship was open. For a decade everything was ok, I thought. Then life stresses happened, he got hurt, went back to school, just stuff. And things changed. He became so much more angry and hateful and just...it was bad. But we had 3 kids, so I stick it out, defend him...all that stuff I have told people not to do when you find yourself in an emotionally/mentally abusive relationship. Of course, I did not see it for what it was at the time...
So, after a year of begging for counseling, and our friends trying to help us and talk us to a better place...I jumped. I asked for a divorce and this time I didn't back down. The kids were teens, so he couldn't threaten me with taking them away...yes, it means I am without income...but I did it anyway.
So, within 2ish weeks, he and my youngest moved out (she chose to go live with him) and my oldest moved to college and it's just me and my middle kid here at the house. My house is clean, and not stuffed full of the things he hoarded...it's a new feeling. I felt like chains were taken off...I could visit my family or go see them with no guilt or worries...I didn't have to make excuses.
Ok...there's the backstory!
So, seeing as my marriage was basically over for a decade, I felt like I wanted to look for someone to spend time with...someone who would let me talk and let me be me and so on. So, I joined OK Cupid and I met a few people I talked with online. About a month ago I sent a message to J, cause he sounded like a nice guy I'd like to get to know. So, I messaged him and it was like this instant connection. I cannot even fathom it...never felt like this in my life...ever. So, we go out, spend a nice day...make out in the car. Then we go out on and I meet his wife and she's so sweet...and I feel this pull again. I feel insane. I have only talked to T online, but she seems super nice too and she and I both have epilepsy... so it's nice to talk to someone who understands that.
I'm terrified because I'm falling hard for these people...for J and S for sure. It feels like it's too fast, and I'm trying to hold back and slow myself down...but that feels unnatural. This whole thing feels natural...and that's what scares me. It feels effortless, like a puzzle coming together. J is constantly making sure he's not being to pushy, because he's afraid I'll run. He is very, very considerate of how I feel and understands I'm skittish as hell. S is too. I'm demi, and I've never ever felt connections this fast...this strong. I wonder if I am going crazy, or if it's just that he is actually not an abusive person and all that.
Any insight? I do not wanna mess up anything...with my life or anyone else's.

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi Eris,

I saw elsewhere, where you said you are forming a "quad" with people you have barely met, or not even met in the flesh yet.

Yes! You are moving way too fast. This excitement you are feeling is infatuation. In poly circles we call it "new relationship energy." It might be particularly strong with you since you have spent many years in an abusive relationship lacking in loving behaviors. Even, it seems, cut off from your family, other than husband and kids. No wonder you feel starved for attention.

NRE is a strong hormonal state, and indeed, makes us kind of crazy, irrational, obsessed.

Please be wary of getting in over your head in your excitement. You are tender and vulnerable. These people may be good candidates for a relationship but it's impossible to tell so soon, even though it all seems so natural. First attraction does not always lead to long term compatibility.

Maybe take it one person at a time. Focus on the guy as a romantic partner. Just establish a casual friendship with his wife. Hold off on romance and sex with her until you see how it goes with the guy. Give it time. A few months at least.

As for the woman's other lover, keep them at arm's length for now. It sounds way way too complicated for a person who hasn't recovered from abuse yet.

Your new potential partner could indeed be an abuser who is love bombing you. There are plenty of them out there. Watch out for red and yellow flags. Take care of yourself.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Eris,

When you try to hold back and slow yourself down, that feels unnatural. What about the idea of trying to hold back and slow down just a little? not a lot, but just a little. Then even if it feels a little unnatural, it's not like you're throwing away a precious opportunity. You're not going crazy ... I, too, think that he seems like a nice man. Who wouldn't want to go for such a rare opportunity? I can relate.

You've only known J for about a month. Give yourself some time before you draw any conclusions. You are just coming out of a bad marriage, and are probably vulnerable to a rebound relationship. Pursue this, but do it conservatively. Good luck!

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Eris]

Magdlyn and Kevin, thanks for the advice. I tend to think in terms of the future...so yeah, I'm always thinking forward. I've met his wife, she's nice, I'd like to be friends with her...and T seems nice, but it will be a month or more before I meet her in person.
You've given me several things to think about and ways to look at things. I appreciate it!

 

[MayDecember]

I did an awful lot of reading before entering poly.

I was surprised at the surveys, but I looked specifically for them and discovered they're happier in their relationship when they're in a consensual poly.

So I read books, articles, and listened to speakers. I was most fascinated by poly relationships in remote, hostile environments where isolation is important as a life choice. Because it was relevant to me.

Whereas you are a woman, you have your own history and environment, quirks and interests.

I suppose one warning, and that is manipulative people are instantly the exact people you would want the most because they mirror whatever you tell them.

So if you love dogs they just think dogs are the greatest thing on earth. But when you actually investigate, they've never owned a dog and used to eat dogs in SE Asia on human trafficking runs, their favorite dish.

So these people could very well be your dream come true, I really hit it off great with my first mistress, she and my wife were a great pair. Best one we ever had.

The last one, lol. Not my thread but you can have that new relationship experience being fanned by con men who have experience. Bad people practice at mimicking good people.

But in time the truth will out. So there's no hurry. You don't need to run off to Spain together, right? Sign mortgages, take out joint credit cards, give them your security code and promise them the moon.

Just fu8k them. Good and hard. Lol. Just kidding.

No big decisions. Ease into the pool.

 

[Eris]

An update, for anyone who wishes to read it. Things are good. J and I are dating, S and I are dating...so that'd be a triad. I really like S's bf...he and I get along great and have all the markers of great partners in crime, lol. Still have not met T as she cannot come visit for a while, but I talk to her online.
I'm happy. We see each other at least once every 2 weeks, which is great. S and I are going so much slower, cause I just am kinda not as comfortable with girls as with guys...I always feel awkward...idk.
My house burned, and in a few weeks I'll be in a new one, and they've all been super supportive and when my dad was in ICU J came out and sat with me. Our kids have met and get along and that's really cool, my youngest and their oldest are a year apart and they get along really well. All in all I feel life is going well.
When I joined OK Cupid, I was looking for friends...I got a lot more, and I got friends to! I've met several people through them that I get along with so well, who I can be me around and just laugh and talk. It feels great. Someone mentioned sharing bank accounts in a post...that will not happen. lol I'm not looking to ever marry again either...not saying it won't happen...but it's very unlikely. All the advice on this site is great and it's helped me as I lurked and read. I'm actually finding I'm ready to admit things about me I've never wanted to before and it's helping me a lot.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Eris,

Thanks for that update, it sounds like things are going well in general, that's good to hear. Sorry to hear about your house burning, I am glad you'll have a new house in a few weeks. My best wishes to you and all of your loved ones!

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[SenatorBinks27]

I'm so glad it's working out as much as it seemed like it would so far. Stay vigilant, but enjoy!

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi, Eris, I just saw your update. I am going to name your new friends. In our Guidelines, we ask you to come up with nicknames, as they make your story much easier to read.

An update, for anyone who wishes to read it. Things are good.

Jon and I are dating. Sienna and I are dating. So, that'd be a triad.

I really like Sienna's bf too. He and I get along great and have all the markers of great partners in crime, lol.

I have still have not met Terri, as she cannot come visit for a while, but I talk to her online.

I'm happy. Jon and I see each other at least once every 2 weeks, which is great.

Sienna and I are going much slower, because I just am not as comfortable with girls as with guys. I always feel awkward. Idk.

It doesn't sound so "triadish," because you are taking each person as an individual, which is a good thing. So many newbies think a triad has to be this kind of Borg thing. But it isn't. It's 3 V's stacked up. You're a hinge in 2 V's, and your metamours are also your lovers.

You're also moving fairly slowly, unlike the giddy rush in your last post. You're only seeing Jon once every 2 weeks, and Sienna even less often. That's a nice moderate pace.

How is dating women different for you, than dating guys? What is awkward? It's funny. I'm bi or pansexual. I was married to a guy for over 30 years. When we split, the universe had my next long term partner just waiting for me. A woman. I find it so much EASIER to be in relationship with a woman than a man. In my case, it's because we ARE both women, we get each other in ways no guy has ever gotten me. Like, my platonic gfs always got me better than any man did, shared more interests, communication styles and skills, but Pixi and I just have the added benefit of sex.

My house burned...

Oh my gosh! I am so sorry you lost your house! You seemed so happy to be there with it all cleared out. I guess you and your kid are OK? My goodness, that just seems so much more important than all this dating stuff.

In a few weeks I'll be in a new one, and they've all been super supportive. When my dad was in ICU Jon came out and sat with me.

Your house burned down, AND your Dad was in ICU? Yikes. I'm glad your new friends have supported you. That's the test of a relationship, the support you get through hard times, that they're not just there for the good times, the sex, the fun dates.

Our kids have met, and get along, and that's really cool. My youngest and their oldest are a year apart, and they get along really well. All in all, I feel life is going well.

When I joined OK Cupid, I was looking for friends. I got a lot more, and I got friends too! I've met several people through Jon and Sienna, that I get along with so well, who I can be me around and just laugh and talk. It feels great.

I am glad you are making a new circle of friends through them. Just something to watch out for, if you end up breaking up with one or both of them, you may lose your other new friends too.

Someone mentioned sharing bank accounts in a post. That will not happen. lol I'm not looking to ever marry again either. I am not saying it won't happen, but it's very unlikely.

All the advice on this site is great, and it's helped me as I lurked and read. I'm actually finding I'm ready to admit things about me I've never wanted to before, and it's helping me a lot.

I wonder what those things are, and how they help you navigate being newly single and newly poly.