Planning a first time metamour weekend visit/sleepover

[Geekymountainman]

Hi all.
So I’ll try and link on some of my past posts of that will help people, as our situation is a bit complicated.
A quick run down: My fiancé is polyamorous, I myself am not. We have been together a little over five years now, but she’s only been ‘actively’ poly while with me for the past year or so. She has been seeing a girl she meet at a um, house party of a particular theme, for about six months now. About three months ago, my fiancé and moved out of town and into our own place. We aren’t Moreno than two hours drive away from where we were but my fiancé and her girlfriend have been “long distance” since then. They’ve been able to see each other here and there on the occasion we’ve come back into town for vacation and holidays but they’d both like to start visiting each other with more frequency.
They’ve been talking about her coming up and spending a weekend here with her/us for some time now. And while all three of us are apprehensive and unsure what to expect, I’m feeling particularly anxious.
I just feeling like there are so many questions about my role in this. My fiancé and I have great and open communication, but this would be a first for both of us and some concerns nether of feel like we can really address without experience.
Things like; Do we all hang out together first? How are we going to pass the time if and when we’re all together? What’s the proper behavior and politeness level for having my fiancé’s girlfriend staying over in our apartment? She’s going to feel awkward too, what if anything can I do to help with that? What’s the protocol for when they want ‘alone time?’ Is it more awkward if I leave or they do or what? Should I try to kinda stay out of their way because this is the first change in a long while they’ve had to spend quality time together?
Just... so many question marks.
Things are very definitely not set in stone and this could potentially not happen for some while yet. But with how good their relationship has been going it’s going to happen sooner or later. I’d appreciate any advice I can get. Please ask me any questions and I will do my best to answer and clarify things.
Thanks so much!

 

[vinsanity0]

You and your fiance get to spend time together all the time, so I would let this be their weekend. You may feel a bit weird about this, but it's only a weekend, not a lifetime.

As far as logistics go, that depends on a lot of things. What sort of apartment is it? Studio, one bedroom, two bedroom? Is she going to stay there for convenience, or because a hotel isn't affordable?

Even though it's their weekend, you do live there too. They will have to make some concessions to make you feel comfortable. Of course, that doesn't mean you should sit there and stare them down...lol. Have the three of you hung out at all? What do you normally do when you hang out with friends? Watch a movie, play some games, eat, whatever.

 

[Magdlyn]

... I’ll try and link on some of my past posts, if that will help people, as our situation is a bit complicated.

A quick run down: My fiancée is polyamorous, I myself am not. We have been together a little over five years now, but she’s only been ‘actively’ poly, while with me, for the past year or so.

She has been seeing a girl she meet at a um, house party of a particular theme, for about six months now.

As you already said previously, it was a kink party.

About three months ago, my fiancée and I moved out of town and into our own place. We aren’t more than two hours drive away from where we were, but my fiancée and her girlfriend have been “long distance” since then. They’ve been able to see each other here and there, on the occasion we’ve come back into town for vacation and holidays, but they’d both like to start visiting each other with more frequency.

They’ve been talking about B coming up and spending a weekend here with her/us, for some time now. And while all three of us are apprehensive and unsure what to expect, I’m feeling particularly anxious.

I just feeling like there are so many questions about my role in this.

Again, as GG said, "feelings" and "thoughts" are 2 different things.

My fiancée and I have great and open communication, but this would be a first for both of us, and there are some concerns nether of feel [think] like we can really address without experience.

Things like:

- Do we all hang out together first?
- How are we going to pass the time if and when we’re all together?
- What are the proper behavior and politeness levels for having my fiancée's girlfriend staying over in our apartment?
- She’s going to feel awkward too. What, if anything, can I do to help with that?
- What’s the protocol for when they want ‘alone time?’ Is it more awkward if I leave, or they do, or what?
- Should I try to stay out of their way, because this is the first chance in a long while they’ve had to spend quality time together?

Just... so many question marks.

Things are very definitely not set in stone, and this could potentially not happen for some while yet. But with how good their relationship has been going, it’s going to happen sooner or later. I’d appreciate any advice I can get. Please ask me any questions and I will do my best to answer and clarify things.

Hi, Geeky. I see you're back with more questions, after posting last May, in a very upset state, over the beginning of this relationship your (now) fiancee is having with her OSO, B.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?p=425419#post425419

You were pretty much just curled up in a fetal ball over their betrayal of you in May. And you talked about how you struggle with "sexual anorexia" to a certain extent. Your fiancee started up with B in a sketchy manner. You struggled deeply to trust either woman. You were "scared" to even see B, much less talk to her.

You said you'd be posting regularly and also contributing to the board, but you disappeared. So I just thought other members should read your back story before they jump to giving advice. You have a very difficult past with "polyamory."

And now you're engaged! You earlier said you two were "too poor to get married." Maybe the move you two made was for better jobs, and now your finances have changed? Congrats, if so.

As for this LDR person's proposed visit: a lot depends on how good you feel about the relationship now.

Are you still "scared" of B? Or have you spent lots of cool chill time with her since last May? Have you come to a comfortable place with their relationship? Do you feel secure? Have you had therapy, maybe? Meds? You're no longer frozen when they are on a date, and for a couple days after their date?

What makes you think you can cope with being in the house at all when B and fiancee are being intimate? By intimate I mean cuddles, long talks, not just sex.

I think ideally your gf should go to B's place. Unless B also has a primary who is a mess about her seeing your fiancee! I am afraid being around your fiancee and B for an entire weekend, while they are romantic, would be too much for you.

I am also assuming that them getting a hotel room for a couple nights is not affordable, even if they share the cost? That would certainly be easier on you. You did mention that as an option, that they leave if they want to have sex. So, I'd highly recommend your fiancee meet up with B at a hotel in your town, be intimate, be sexual, get that first rush out of their systems. Then, maybe you could meet them for lunch the next day or something. Then they could go back to their weekend date. You could have made pleasant plans for yourself to keep busy while fiancee was busy.

I've been with my poly partner (I'm also poly) for 11 years, and we have never subjected the other to an entire weekend visit from one of our OSOs. I think it would feel mildly awkward. In your case, reading how freaked out you were even by an evening date a few months ago, it could be rather devastating.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi GMM,

Based on what I have read of your situation in the past, my first thought is that you should keep your time together with your fiancée and her girlfriend down to a minimum. When they want "alone time," it would be better if you could leave. On the other hand, you could plan to spend time, just a little time, with all three of you. Like maybe all three of you could eat dinner together (at a nice restaurant). But after that, you would let them have most of the time for just the two of them. This would be for your sake as well as theirs. Make sure all three of you know that this is the plan. Plan some fun things to do on your own while they are off together. Remember that you are the mono partner here. A mono spending time with two polys is bound to get awkward now and then. Keep that time down to a minimum, and let them have their own time. On the other hand, make sure that this is not longer than a weekend visit. Otherwise, you will start to feel very uncomfortable, resentful even.

By the way, how do you feel about your fiancée having this relationship with her girlfriend? If this girlfriend is the same person (B) as the one you mentioned in your past thread, you felt pretty bad about being betrayed by them. Do you still feel that way? Has that problem been resolved? What about the idea of your fiancée being poly in general? How does that make you feel? The answers could affect how you could/should respond to their prospective weekend together. Mostly I think you should have access to your own domicile, and you could just be basically polite to them in passing. If they want extra alone time, they could go out somewhere by themselves. I can see you maybe going out one time to give them some privacy, but you going out over and over seems to be asking too much of you. Also, if you are still feeling feelings of betrayal, that could make things extra difficult for you, and maybe for them as well. You might want to resolve those feelings before their weekend together.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Geekymountainman]

Okay wow I just wanted to quickly thank everyone who’s chimed in, as well as apologize for my lack of prompt reply. We had a lot of serious drama the day after I posted this, a family member in the hospital, a sister with serious marital issues, sick pets, broken down cars, and unsafe apartments, to name a few. I’ll be perfectly honest in saying I forgot I even made my post back here until now.

 

[Geekymountainman]

You and your fiance get to spend time together all the time, so I would let this be their weekend. You may feel a bit weird about this, but it's only a weekend, not a lifetime.

As far as logistics go, that depends on a lot of things. What sort of apartment is it? Studio, one bedroom, two bedroom? Is she going to stay there for convenience, or because a hotel isn't affordable?

Even though it's their weekend, you do live there too. They will have to make some concessions to make you feel comfortable. Of course, that doesn't mean you should sit there and stare them down...lol. Have the three of you hung out at all? What do you normally do when you hang out with friends? Watch a movie, play some games, eat, whatever.

It’s a two bedroom and she’d be staying for both factors of convenience and cost. None of us are exactly rolling in cash and they both kinda want to experience just a casual domestic weekend together, rather than a vacation.
The three of us have spent time together, gradually more so lately. I’m fact we all hung out a good bit over the holidays and that went well so it’s not like it’ll be like having a complete stranger in my apartment.

 

[Geekymountainman]

As you already said previously, it was a kink party.



Again, as GG said, "feelings" and "thoughts" are 2 different things.



Hi, Geeky. I see you're back with more questions, after posting last May, in a very upset state, over the beginning of this relationship your (now) fiancee is having with her OSO, B.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?p=425419#post425419

You were pretty much just curled up in a fetal ball over their betrayal of you in May. And you talked about how you struggle with "sexual anorexia" to a certain extent. Your fiancee started up with B in a sketchy manner. You struggled deeply to trust either woman. You were "scared" to even see B, much less talk to her.

You said you'd be posting regularly and also contributing to the board, but you disappeared. So I just thought other members should read your back story before they jump to giving advice. You have a very difficult past with "polyamory."

And now you're engaged! You earlier said you two were "too poor to get married." Maybe the move you two made was for better jobs, and now your finances have changed? Congrats, if so.

As for this LDR person's proposed visit: a lot depends on how good you feel about the relationship now.

Are you still "scared" of B? Or have you spent lots of cool chill time with her since last May? Have you come to a comfortable place with their relationship? Do you feel secure? Have you had therapy, maybe? Meds? You're no longer frozen when they are on a date, and for a couple days after their date?

What makes you think you can cope with being in the house at all when B and fiancee are being intimate? By intimate I mean cuddles, long talks, not just sex.

I think ideally your gf should go to B's place. Unless B also has a primary who is a mess about her seeing your fiancee! I am afraid being around your fiancee and B for an entire weekend, while they are romantic, would be too much for you.

I am also assuming that them getting a hotel room for a couple nights is not affordable, even if they share the cost? That would certainly be easier on you. You did mention that as an option, that they leave if they want to have sex. So, I'd highly recommend your fiancee meet up with B at a hotel in your town, be intimate, be sexual, get that first rush out of their systems. Then, maybe you could meet them for lunch the next day or something. Then they could go back to their weekend date. You could have made pleasant plans for yourself to keep busy while fiancee was busy.

I've been with my poly partner (I'm also poly) for 11 years, and we have never subjected the other to an entire weekend visit from one of our OSOs. I think it would feel mildly awkward. In your case, reading how freaked out you were even by an evening date a few months ago, it could be rather devastating.

I honestly had no idea how much detail I should have gone into about my last posts but hank you so much for the reference point!
I did mean it sincerely when I said I wanted to be more active on here, but, well, life happened. We moved, got our first apartment, I got a new job, promptly left because it was dangerous and awful, got a new job, got engaged (largely unofficially, as were so low on cash, but we’ve just decided to refer to our relationship as ‘engaged’ because we’d be married yesterday if we had the cash). And honestly keeping up with the polysemy stuff sort of took a backseat for a while.
But to catch up, in reference to your questions:
-My initial reaction was warranted, and both my fiancé and her partner have recognized such. They have apologized, recognized that they were both caught up in NRE, and we’ve discussed it at length and while it was definitely tough we’ve come out better via loads and loads of renewed emphasis on communication.
-I am no longer frozen on date nights, at worst I’m a bit skidding if I have to lick her up from B’s home. But we have all actually been able to spend a bit of ‘normal’ time together just hanging out and it’s gone light years towards reducing my anxiety and I can honestly say I am much more comfortable in B’s company whether that’s with my fiancé included or not. We have like gone to parks and gone out to eat and just stayed at home and hung out a good bit all together at this point.
-I’m not entirely unused to seeing the two of them being intimate, casually or explicitly. So while that prospect is still a bit strange it’s not utterly alien and panic inducing.
-As for arrangements, yeah we can’t afford a hotel unfortunately. And my Fiancé is unable to drive a car so her going back down to B’s place isn’t really an option. And they both just kinda want this. I gather from a lot of the feedback I’ve gotten on here that a lot of metamours don’t often interact on this level. But given the circumstances of all our meeting and how things have progressed, honestly this is just kinda the way this is going. And I am okay with that. We’ve discussed it at length. With how we all know reach other it’s silly an inconvenient for B and I to pretend we each don’t exist. It feels more natural for us all to be working on being friends. Friends who occasionally may come over and stay for a weekend and we can all hang out and balance their own private time.

You are absolutely right to raise the questions and points of concern you do in light of how I came into this forums and described what was happening.
I am happy to say it’s worked out for the better. And my reservations and nerves are more owed to my long and very complicated history with my own sexuality than it is with any fear or mistrust of my Fiancé or her relationship with B.

 

[kdt26417]

I'm glad to hear things are going better between the three of you, it sounds like you could hang with them quite a bit during their weekend visit. Although as vinsanity says, they don't get much time together so make sure they have quite a bit of time alone together during their weekend visit.

 

[Geekymountainman]

I'm glad to hear things are going better between the three of you, it sounds like you could hang with them quite a bit during their weekend visit. Although as vinsanity says, they don't get much time together so make sure they have quite a bit of time alone together during their weekend visit.

Tentatively that’s kinda the plan. It helps to know that everyone involved is just as nervous as me.
We’re thinking that we’ll all meet up at first, maybe get food or something. Then I’ll go off and do “Something” else for a good couple of hours and give them a chance to catch up and have sex in private and just relax together for a bit. Then I’ll come back and we might play a game or watch a movie or go out and do something different. Kind repeat this process for the proceeding days. It’s a loose plan but it’s what we’ve got so far.
She’ll be sleeping in the guest room as far as I’m aware. And we’re all just going to try our best to have fun and make the most of the visit.

 

[fuchka]

She’ll be sleeping in the guest room as far as I’m aware.

If you haven't explicitly talked about this, don't assume it. I reckon you should ask.

Also maybe be clear on exactly how long you'll be away for if you're leaving the house, if you have any concerns about walking in in the middle of something.

Sounds like you've got a good plan for the visit, though. Hope it all goes well!

 

[Magdlyn]

I honestly had no idea how much detail I should have gone into about my last posts, but thank you so much for the reference point!

You're welcome. You were in a very bad state in May, we tried to help, and then you just disappeared!

I did mean it sincerely when I said I wanted to be more active on here, but, well, life happened. We moved, got our first apartment, I got a new job, and we got engaged (largely unofficially, but we’ve just decided to refer to our relationship as ‘engaged,’ because we’d be married yesterday if we had the cash).

So, there's no ring and no date set. You just feel engaged now. How does the gf (Bree) feel about her gf (Amy) being engaged to another? Has she mentioned that? Does she feel left out, demoted, lesser?

And honestly keeping up with the polysemy stuff sort of took a backseat for a while.

I think you mean polyamory, and that was a spellcheck!

But to catch up, in reference to your questions:

- My initial reaction was warranted, and both my fiancée and her partner have recognized such. They have apologized, recognized that they were both caught up in NRE, and we’ve discussed it at length. While it was definitely tough, we’ve come out better via loads and loads of renewed emphasis on communication.

- I am no longer frozen on date nights, at worst I’m a bit skittish if I have to pick her up from B’s home. But we have all actually been able to spend a bit of ‘normal’ time together, just hanging out, and it’s gone light years towards reducing my anxiety. I can honestly say I am much more comfortable in Bree’s company, whether that’s with Amy included, or not. We have gone to parks and gone out to eat, and just stayed at home and hung out a good bit all together at this point.

- I’m not entirely unused to seeing the two of them being intimate, casually or explicitly. So while that prospect is still a bit strange, it’s not utterly alien and panic inducing.

Discretion is confusing. You've watched them have sex?

- As for arrangements, we can’t afford a hotel, unfortunately. And Amy is unable to drive a car, so her going back down to Bree’s place isn’t really an option. And they both just want this.

I gather from a lot of the feedback I’ve gotten on here that a lot of metamours don’t often interact on this level. But given the circumstances of all our meetings, and how things have progressed, honestly, this is just the way this is going, and I am okay with that. We’ve discussed it at length. With how we all know each other, it’s silly an inconvenient for Bree and me to pretend we each don’t exist. It feels more natural for us all to be working on being friends, friends who occasionally may come over and stay for a weekend. We can all hang out, and they can balance their own private time.

You were absolutely right to raise the questions and points of concern you did, in light of how I came into this forums and described what was happening.

I am happy to say it’s worked out for the better. And my reservations and nerves are more owed to my long and very complicated history with my own sexuality than it is with any fear or mistrust of Amy or her relationship with Bree.

OK. Progress has been made. That's great!

I am going to call your fiancee Amy and her friend Bree. We ask that you choose nicknames; it makes reading your story less confusing, and it's more respectful to the other players.

So, you still don't have much money, and Amy doesn't drive. Are there plans for her to get her license, and save for a second car, if necessary? It really helps to try and be more independent when you're poly and dating someone. It's not fair to you to have to go pick up a grown woman from her dates with another person, especially if it causes you pain. Or maybe Bree could arrange to at least pick Amy up and drive her home.

Since you first posted this thread, it sounds like you went ahead, as responsible mature adults, and made decent plans for the weekend. I guess you're just naturally full of nerves and anxiety about life in general, since I don't see any need for being super nervous about this visit. You all know each other fairly well at this point, and are well on your way to "kitchen table poly." Yet, all 3 of you are nervous, you say. Or maybe you're the nervous one, and are projecting.

 

[Geekymountainman]

You're welcome. You were in a very bad state in May, we tried to help, and then you just disappeared!
So, there's no ring and no date set. You just feel engaged now. How does the gf (Bree) feel about her gf (Amy) being engaged to another? Has she mentioned that? Does she feel left out, demoted, lesser?

Rings may or may not be being actively researched and saved up for (shh).
From what I know, which is a combo of secondhand information and firsthand conversations, Bree is actually surprised we haven’t gotten married sooner and perhaps is even a little exasperated with us, in a kind of ‘omg you guys are clearly going to get married why haven’t you gotten on with it already?!’ Kind of way. Bree was very aware of our relationship status, very aware that we were each other’s Primary, and very aware of our intent to marry each other at the outset of this venture. So this isn’t something that’s exactly a surprise for her. It’s a known factor, so while it does admittedly make things a bit more confused for me (that’ll be another post) it’s not something I am worried about making things more complicated. But the answer to those direct questions is no, it doesn’t make Bree feel left out or demoted.

I think you mean polyamory, and that was a spellcheck!

You caught me.

Discretion is confusing. You've watched them have sex?

So... I’m honestly still a little unsure how explicit I can get on here. So I’ll keep it as simple as I can. I have not yet watched them having sex (We have come close, but my Fiancé decided against it at the time) but that topic has been discussed as a future possibility and is apparently something of a strong interest to them both, as they both tend to be more domme-y (Bree in particular). I have watched them doing sexy stuff in the context of us all three playing together once or twice. But there was no active penetrative sex during those encounters. Because of the complicated nature of how we all met at a kink party, the interplay of sex and intimacy across the three of us is a bit blurred. So there’s isn’t a clear and definite line of ‘our’ intimacy and ‘their’ intimacy. But again that is constantly and consistently being discussed as things develop.

OK. Progress has been made. That's great!

I am going to call your fiancee Amy and her friend Bree. We ask that you choose nicknames; it makes reading your story less confusing, and it's more respectful to the other players.

So, you still don't have much money, and Amy doesn't drive. Are there plans for her to get her license, and save for a second car, if necessary? It really helps to try and be more independent when you're poly and dating someone. It's not fair to you to have to go pick up a grown woman from her dates with another person, especially if it causes you pain. Or maybe Bree could arrange to at least pick Amy up and drive her home.

She has a license, but not a second car. She’s working on getting more mobile but basically she didn’t really start driving at all until quite recently, and is still quite intimidated by longer drives and highways. But we’re working on getting her to the point where she can make those kinds of big trips on her own. She has and does stay at Bree’s place on occasion when we happen to be back in town. And I’m not always on pickup duty, Bree does drop her off about half the time. And on that note, spending more ‘casual’ time with Bree on my own and with Amy has made the prospect of picking her up after a date night much less anxiety inducing.

Since you first posted this thread, it sounds like you went ahead, as responsible mature adults, and made decent plans for the weekend. I guess you're just naturally full of nerves and anxiety about life in general, since I don't see any need for being super nervous about this visit. You all know each other fairly well at this point, and are well on your way to "kitchen table poly." Yet, all 3 of you are nervous, you say. Or maybe you're the nervous one, and are projecting.

I like that term, kitchen table poly. Feels accurate. Things have been slowly but very deliberately progressing and it’s been nothing if not interesting to see what the next steps are. We’re all a bit nervous as this will be something of a first for all three of us, but I am definitely the most nervous and am doubtlessly prone fly a bit but I’m fully aware of that.

 

[17642990gk294]

Hey, I don't have a lot of experience, but something that I think has not been mentioned explicitly yet and that I would consider is talking to both woman about how sleeping arrangements will be:

Would you be alright with your gf (Amy) sleeping in the guest room with her gf (Bree)? Or do you expect her to return to your bed at some point?

I am someone who e.g. would feel used if i went somewhere to see my partner, get some quality (and also sexy) time, but would be "left" for the night. I know others might not feel like that, but especially with secundary relationships I feel it is important to make sure the secundary partner isn't treated or feel like they are treated like sex toys.
On the other hnd you should also consider if you are emotionally able to get a healthy night of sleep while knowing that your gf (Amy) is right next door doing whatever with her gf (Bree). I have seen quite a few people who didn't usually feel jealous become very insecure over this - and I would advise you to very, very seriously consider if you aren't putting too much on your plate, if you have struggeled not too long ago.
Just talking about it and making sure everyone has the same idea about what is gonna happen and noone's expectations get disregarded could help staying clear of that path.

This discussion imo also ties into the blurred line of intimacy - intimacy is not just sexual, there's a lot of ways in which it can be expressed or fostered. For me, innocently sleeping/cuddeling is more intimate than sex. I think the way you describe the situation shows that you are very aware and open and have healthy communication about this, and I don't wanna lecture or so in any way; this is only meant as a little impulse because I immediately got reminded of a situation I once was in that could have used that insight.

 

[Geekymountainman]

Hey, I don't have a lot of experience, but something that I think has not been mentioned explicitly yet and that I would consider is talking to both woman about how sleeping arrangements will be:

Would you be alright with your gf (Amy) sleeping in the guest room with her gf (Bree)? Or do you expect her to return to your bed at some point?

I am someone who e.g. would feel used if i went somewhere to see my partner, get some quality (and also sexy) time, but would be "left" for the night. I know others might not feel like that, but especially with secundary relationships I feel it is important to make sure the secundary partner isn't treated or feel like they are treated like sex toys.
On the other hnd you should also consider if you are emotionally able to get a healthy night of sleep while knowing that your gf (Amy) is right next door doing whatever with her gf (Bree). I have seen quite a few people who didn't usually feel jealous become very insecure over this - and I would advise you to very, very seriously consider if you aren't putting too much on your plate, if you have struggeled not too long ago.
Just talking about it and making sure everyone has the same idea about what is gonna happen and noone's expectations get disregarded could help staying clear of that path.

This discussion imo also ties into the blurred line of intimacy - intimacy is not just sexual, there's a lot of ways in which it can be expressed or fostered. For me, innocently sleeping/cuddeling is more intimate than sex. I think the way you describe the situation shows that you are very aware and open and have healthy communication about this, and I don't wanna lecture or so in any way; this is only meant as a little impulse because I immediately got reminded of a situation I once was in that could have used that insight.

All solid advice, thank you. We have discussed sleeping arrangements at length at this point. Bree will be sleeping in the guest room and while we aren’t exactly planning out a cuddling schedule, it’s generally understood that my fiancé will be coming to sleep with me in the main bedroom.
I’ll be waking up early and making everyone breakfast, as that’s something I genuinely enjoy doing and it’ll help break any ice that may still be floating around.
Also as of this point in our planning, I’m planning on setting up at least one ‘thing’ for me to be out of the apartment and doing for at least a good few hours to give them sometime alone. Bit also as you said, we want to avoid their intimacy feeling ‘scheduled’ or limited to that time slot, so they’ll be free to cuddle/hug/kiss/whatever on the pre agreed upon condition that I’m not left out entirely and that we all check in every so often to see how we’re all doing/feeling.

 

[Geekymountainman]

Okay so we’re getting down to the wire here. Just wanted to say again how much I appreciate everyone’s input.
Tomorrow my Girlfriend and I are going to sit down and very meticulously talk about the upcoming weekend. Plans, schedules, hopes, anxieties, fears, points of concern, points of excitement, expectations, everything. We don’t want to put too much pressure on the visit or to make it feel ‘scheduled’ but we also want to make sure we’re all super clear on where we stand and what we expect.
Some of our more definite details thus far:
-Friday we’ll all meet up at the apartment and give a tour.
-Afterwards we’re headed out with a group of my Girlfriend’s friends (who are aware she is poly and has a girlfriend) to hang out and get dinner and a drink or two.
-Bree will be sleeping in the guest bedroom. My girlfriend may cuddle in there with her a bit but she’ll be coming to actually sleep with me. This is because A, it’s just a bit less awkward for me. And B, Bree apparently has a hell of a snore lol so my girlfriend will actually get some sleep in our own bed.
-I’ll be making everyone breakfast! It helps me calm down and feel like I’m contributing.
-I’ll be heading off in the midday to occupy myself with other activities for a good few hours. I have a list of things, from errands to run to trails to walk to groups to meet up with. My girlfriend will check in with me every so often to see how I’m doing/feeling.
-We’ll meet back up for dinner and a movie.
-The next day is largely unplanned but well see how we feel about things.

Another ‘rule’ will be to keep in constant communication (that goes for all three of us), and to kinda go with the flow. This is a first for all of us so it’s new territory all around. We’re just going to have to do our best and enjoy ourselves.

 

[kdt26417]

Sounds like a good plan. Let us know how it goes.

 

[Evie]

Just a word on the "constant communication"... please be aware that there may be some delays in responding to your texts. Do the mental/emotional work ahead of time about this.

 

[Magdlyn]

Just a word on the "constant communication"... please be aware that there may be some delays in responding to your texts. Do the mental/emotional work ahead of time about this.

I agree. I never insist on constant communication when my partner is on a weekend date. That disturbs the flow for her of doing whatever with her bf. I don't even insist on a good night text. I just assume she's doing fine unless I hear otherwise. And why wouldn't you be fine if your gf is busy for a few hours with anyone, lover or friend?

You could work more on disentangling, it seems to me.

 

[Geekymountainman]

Just a word on the "constant communication"... please be aware that there may be some delays in responding to your texts. Do the mental/emotional work ahead of time about this.

I agree. I never insist on constant communication when my partner is on a weekend date. That disturbs the flow for her of doing whatever with her bf. I don't even insist on a good night text. I just assume she's doing fine unless I hear otherwise. And why wouldn't you be fine if your gf is busy for a few hours with anyone, lover or friend?

You could work more on disentangling, it seems to me.

‘Constant’ perhaps was the wrong word to use. I mean to say we’ll be actively trying our best to check in and see how we’re all doing.
I used to have a mild to moderate panic attack if I didn’t get an updated from her every hour or so. I’m well past that at this point, all I ask is the occasional check in message when I won’t be with her, that’s all. And as for when we’re all three together, honestly it’s always been Bree so far who has championed checking and and pacing ourselves with our feelings. She’s the one who in prior newish situation both casual and sexual has called for everyone to take a breath and check in with how each person is feeling before anything proceeds. So that’s kinda going to be the baseline for how we’re going to try and make this weekend work.

 

[FallenAngelina]

I used to have a mild to moderate panic attack if I didn’t get an updated from her every hour or so. I’m well past that at this point, all I ask is the occasional check in message when I won’t be with her, that’s all.

Is this a turn of phrase or did you actually have anxiety and panic? How did you change this?