How does a triad work? Potneitlaly with children from both male partners?

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MrsS85

New member
Hello, Completely new to poly. Have found myself considering a poly triad after my husband of 20 years wanted a 3some and I've fallen for the guy! We actually haven't had the 3some but have spent months talking to the guy and I really really like him. Have spoken to my husband about it and he is on board to try the 3 of us in a poly relationship. I already have 3 children with my husband and I know the other guy wants kids too. I am happy to consider more children in time but wonder how to introduce this to my other children. The biggest thing is that my husband and I are both Caucasian and the other guy is black so it will be very obvious whose baby it is.

Would really like to make a go of this but completely new to poly relationships and want to make sure the children I already have continue to have a loving and stable home, the other guy is completely aware that we have children and that they are my priority when embarking on this new chapter of our lives.

Also how do people go about introducing the a different partners in conversation and telling friends and family as I already know some will be completely in accepting of the relationship.

Thank you in advance for any advice.
 
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MrsS85 said:
Hello, I'm roxanne. Completely new to poly. Have found myself considering a poly triad after my husband of 20 years wanted a 3some and I've fallen for the guy! We actually haven't had the 3some but have spent months talking to the guy and I really really like him. Have spoken to my husband about it and he is on board to try the 3 of us in a poly relationship. I already have 3 children with my husband and I know the other guy wants kids too. I am happy to consider more children in time but wonder how to introduce this to my other children. The biggest thing is that my husband and I are both Caucasian and the other guy is black so it will be very obvious whose baby it is.

Would really like to make a go of this but completely new to poly relationships and want to make sure the children I already have continue to have a loving and stable home, the other guy is completely aware that we have children and that they are my priority when embarking on this new chapter of our lives.

Also how do people go about introducing the a different partners in conversation and telling friends and family as I already know some will be completely in accepting of the relationship.

Thank you in advance for any advice.
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One thing I'd like to suggest is that if you all haven't already seen the movie Professor Marston & The Wonder Women, get together and check it out. Then when broaching the subject with those you would like to share it with, you can use it as both a conversation starter and to test the waters. It is really nice to see alternate relationships being portrayed on the big screen rather than the monopoly ( pardon the pun in there ) that Disney has had for so long on the traditional mono stereotype.
 
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Hi Roxanne,

You can find a really good video on coming out at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MJ-8ocmtb_8

As for the kids, I think you said it, what matters the most to them is that they'll continue to have a loving and stable home. I don't know how many months you've been talking to the new guy, but you might want to give it a year, to make sure this new relationship is going to stick. If you are going to have children with this guy, you should probably consider having him move in with you at some point. But as I said don't rush it, just have him over for an hour or two at a time, then maybe some overnights, gradually increasing to multiple nights in a row and then maybe a few weeks at a time. This way you can find out whether he'll get along with you as a roommate, as well as a boyfriend. One little step at a time.

As for telling the kids, I think you should approach it an age-appropriate fashion, and as I said, when you do talk about it with them, assure and reassure them that this won't mean huge changes in their lives, they'll still have the same loving and stable home they've come to rely on. If they're super young, you might want to introduce the new guy as a friend at first, then give them time and opportunity to get to know him. And be ready to answer any questions they may have ... frankly, directly, and honestly. But as I said, before the kids meet this guy, you should try dating him for about a year, to make sure that relationship is going to stick. NRE makes you want to rush and when there are kids involved, you can't afford to do that. Hopefully that makes sense.

I encourage you to read and post a lot on this forum, there is so much to learn about poly, and this is a great place to do it. Just let us know of any questions you have as you go along, and keep us up to date on your situation as it evolves. Good luck!

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
My advice is to go slow. How old are the kids? Young ones adjust fairly quickly. But you aren't going to just jump into a triad living relationship and start pushing out kids, right? Right now you are just discussing having a threesome. Going further will require a more in n depth discussion that is not clouded by NRE.
 
Thank you for the replies.

My children are 9,5 and 4.. No not just jumping in and pipping out babies. We have been talking for 4 months and all consenting to a poly relationship.
I will look at the videos, thank you. I really want this to work so will definitely be taking my time. It's all very new I have been with my husband since I was 15 so have never dated as an adult and it's all new and exciting. My husband and the other guy are friends already so that seems to be helping as well because they get along.

I will let you know how things go.
 
Sounds good. You might want to sit down separately with each of your children, as what's age-appropriate for one might not be for another. There's quite a difference even between the four-year-old and the five-year-old. And there's a child's unique personality to consider. The way you introduce the topic (of poly) differs with each child.

But it's probably a little early to be involving the kids at all at this stage. Can I ask, have they met your new boyfriend yet? Do they know about him at all at this point? If not, I might be inclined to say let's leave it that way for awhile. Continue dating the new guy, but wait and see if this is a relationship that is likely to stick.

If the kids do already know about him, then it might make sense to tell them (for now) that he is a friend ... and that he might become more than just a friend in the future. And reassure them that whatever happens, you and their father will continue to be there for them, and will love them as always. That is usually a child's top concern.
 
MrsS85 said:
Thank you for the replies.

My children are 9,5 and 4.. No not just jumping in and pipping out babies. We have been talking for 4 months and all consenting to a poly relationship.
I will look at the videos, thank you. I really want this to work so will definitely be taking my time. It's all very new I have been with my husband since I was 15 so have never dated as an adult and it's all new and exciting. My husband and the other guy are friends already so that seems to be helping as well because they get along.

I will let you know how things go.
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The 9 yo is probably getting some idea of how the world works. The younger ones still look to you for cues.

Glad to hear their is a friendship involved. That makes it easier to know that he knows what's going on. He probably won't try and cowboy you away. Looking forward to seeing how it goes. The best triad relationships sort of just happen organically like this.
 
MrsS85 said:
We have been talking for 4 months and all consenting to a poly relationship.
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Before you jump into telling your kids and your family, slow down and wait to see how it goes, especially once sex is involved. Just as in a monogamous relationship, there's usually a very long time between dating and hanging out as a duo - and involving other people. See how it goes with this man you just met four months ago. From the sounds of it, there has been no sexual contact yet? Slow down and experience things among the three of you before concerning yourselves with how to be official. Sex brings up a lot that will need sorting long before you make any announcements.
 
MrsS85 said:
Hello. I am completely new to poly. I have found myself considering a poly triad after my husband of 20 years wanted a 3some, and I've fallen for the guy!

We actually haven't had the 3some but have spent months talking to the guy and I really really like him.
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Have you even met this guy yet?

By the way, we suggest you choose names for your spouse and partner(s) on our board. It makes it easier for members to read and respond.

I'll use Yul for your husband and Matt for the potential bf, but you can choose others, of course.

I have spoken to my husband Yul about it, and he is on board with trying the 3 of us in a poly relationship.

I already have 3 children with Yul and I know that Matt wants kids too. I am happy to consider more children in time, but I wonder how to introduce this to my other children. The biggest thing is that Yul and I are both Caucasian and Matt is black, so it will be very obvious whose baby it is.
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That's not really the biggest thing, but it's a thing.

We would really like to make a go of this, but are completely new to poly relationships.
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If you are new to poly, and as you say below, have never dated anyone other than Yul, there's a whole world to discover! It sounds like Matt lives long distance. Please clear up whether you've actually met him in person yet.

Talking online, and meeting and hanging out in person are two wildly different things. You must establish a dating situation first. Whether it's just you and Matt dating, or Yul and Matt dating, or all 3 of you dating remains to be seen.

It's generally not recommended to introduce new lovers to your children right away. Dating has a way of not working out.

Initial attraction does not equal long term compatibility. Triads are the least viable forms of poly dating. The huge majority do not work out long term.

Your male unicorn may not like each of you equally (even if it seems like he does right now). He may prefer one over the other, over time. Maybe you'll really like him, but the guys don't end up getting along, or vice versa.

Triads are not only a threeway relationship. They are 3 V's stacked up.

You+Yul
You+Matt
Matt+Yul

And then there's also the group dynamic.

Have you and Yul disentangled yet, or do you think you need to poly date as a unit? This usually does not work. Most poly couples date independently.

Considering having kids with a guy you barely know, and have not even met (?) in person, much less had sex with, either one on one, or in a group, is the least of your worries, at this point.

Are any of you able to come out without losing your job, messing up things for kids at school, harming relationships with family and friends?

Is Matt already considering moving to be nearer to you two, or are you considering moving to be near him? Whatever you do, don't just have him move in until you've dated at least a year, and very regularly.

I want to make sure the children I already have continue to have a loving and stable home. Matt is completely aware that we have children and that they are my priority, when embarking on this new chapter of our lives.

Also, how do people go about introducing new and different partners in conversation, and telling friends and family? I already know some will be completely un-accepting of the relationship.

Thank you in advance for any advice.
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And there you go. People will be upset if you tell them there's another man in the lives of an established married couple. They won't understand. Is Yul bi? Is he out as bi?
 
Yeah, this really seems like putting the cart before the horse. How can you be thinking about kids when you have to build a relationship in the first place? I mean, if you were mono, I assume you wouldn't be talking about kids before you even had sex with someone :p

Why not take things slowly and see how it goes before even considering introducing this person to your kids, let alone talking about having kids with him ?!?
 
As the other seasoned poly people have said... Take it slow!

If you were mono dating, after 4 months (even if you had been having sex) you don't really know the person. They are, and you are, still on your best behavior at that point in a relationship. Even after one year you are likely to still be getting to know the real person.

If you were to consider scrambling your DNA with a new BF you would probably wait several years.

At this point the journey is all theory. Once sex gets in the mix, NRE and some level of jealousy will be issues, then it will get a lot more real.

It sounds really lovely to be contemplating I must say, so all the best
 
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