Advice needed on how to proceed please!

N

NeilMK

New member
Hi all, I'm Neil, 42, from the UK.

I identify as heteroflexible but need a little advice.

I've always struggled with the concept of one man, one woman (or man) although I've never cheated on a partner. I've always felt an abundance of love and desire to care for those around me, I love giving and seek to support everyone around me to be the best they can be.

So far the best way I can describe what I'm looking for is a four way monogamous couple. Two girls, two guys, all bisexual, all in love with each other, all equally fascinated by each other. NOT two couples that just live and play together.

Friends have said it's Poly but I know it isn't.

For me, people are so different and offer such different things and when I find someone truly awesome why wouldn't I want to share them with other people I love?

Where do I begin?! Am I being unrealistic? I know 'Thruples' are a thing. Help!

TIA 😋😚
 
Hello Neil,

The definition of poly, is, "relationships in which any one person is romantically involved with two or more other people, with their knowledge and consent." You can draw your own conclusions as to whether the four-way coupling that you seek counts as one kind of poly.

I don't know if you have tried OKCupid, it is a poly-friendly dating site that would be open to the kind of relationship that you want. In the meantime, you could continue to read and post on this forum, and learn as much as you can, about poly and about four-way couplings. What you want is quite specific, and might take awhile to form, so you will have to be patient. Also it is important that you explain exactly what you are hoping for to the people you date. This way there are no surprises later on down the road.

If you are open to the many diverse opportunities poly provides, you may be pleasantly surprised by what develops, you may find that what arises differs from what you originally had in mind, and yet that you are pleased by the result. Such is the nature of poly.

I hope this forum can help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Yes, that would be considered a type of poly relationship. I don't think it's realistic to think that is something that could happen quickly. It could happen but it would take forever. I mean, what are the chances of two bi guys and two bi women all liking each other enough to commit to such a thing?
 
I'm curious - what attracts you to this particular shape of relationship?

I think you should begin by deciding whether you would prefer to be in no relationship or to be in your ideal relationship / a relationship that's progressing towards that.

I agree with vinsanity that what you seek is highly unlikely. Yes, unrealistic. But you probably don't want to hear that.

It's okay to dream, but with multiple relationships, many people find that a healthy structure comes from the collective needs and desires of the people involved, rather than predetermined by one person.

Of course if you found the magical three other people who happened to have the same dream, were still single/had room for more partners and were holding out for the fantasy foursome, and were willing to date you and all the other three people, you'll be set.
 
It's called a quad and the "all in love with each other, all equally fascinated by each other" is the part that usually fails - real relationship dynamics is just much more complicated.
 
NeilMK said:
Hi all, I'm Neil, 42, from the UK. I identify as heteroflexible but need a little advice.
Click to expand...

Welcome, Neil.

I've always struggled with the concept of one man, one woman (or man) although I've never cheated on a partner. I've always felt an abundance of love and desire to care for those around me, I love giving and seek to support everyone around me to be the best they can be.

So far the best way I can describe what I'm looking for is a four way monogamous couple. Two girls, two guys, all bisexual, all in love with each other, all equally fascinated by each other. NOT two couples that just live and play together.
Click to expand...

2 MF couples "playing together" is more like swinging.

2 guys and 2 women that all love, desire and get along together enough to live together is a nice fantasy. The reality is, finding 4 bi people who all love each other and continuously desire each other exactly equally, forever and ever til death us do part, is just going to be extremely difficult to manifest. The chances are that one or more of the people will end their participation for one good reason or another.

Friends have said it's poly, but I know it isn't.
Click to expand...

A quad, or a triad, is a poly configuration. If it's "Closed," and all members only date each other (or live together), it's still poly. Sometimes people in closed triads or quads make a deal that all participants must vet any new lover and agree or not agree to add another person to the network. But this new person may not "fall in love" with all the established members. I mean, what are the chances?

For me, people are so different and offer such different things and when I find someone truly awesome why wouldn't I want to share them with other people I love?
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Sharing your partner implies you own them. In poly, anyone is free to share themselves with others. We are autonomous individuals.

Where do I begin?! Am I being unrealistic? I know 'Thruples' are a thing. Help!

TIA ����
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I personally hate the word throuple. Triad is a better word.

But V's are much much much more common than triads or quads. One person can have several partners, but there is no requirement for all of one's lovers to be lovers. It's great if they are friends, but even that is not required in a good solid V.
 
Friends have said it's poly, but I know it isn't.
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Natural Hedgehog might argue that this is the *only* "true" definition of poly... perhaps excepting the fact that it ends at four people.
 
Re:
"Natural Hedgehog might argue that this is the *only* "true" definition of poly ... perhaps excepting the fact that it ends at four people."
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:D

This due to the infinity sign (which must not be spoiled) on the infinity poly heart.
 
ref2018 said:
Natural Hedgehog might argue that this is the *only* "true" definition of poly... perhaps excepting the fact that it ends at four people.
Click to expand...

kdt26417 said:
Re:


:D

This due to the infinity sign (which must not be spoiled) on the infinity poly heart.
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Neil, don't mind them. This is kind of an "in joke."
 
Thanks for this Kevin!

kdt26417 said:
I don't know if you have tried OKCupid, it is a poly-friendly dating site that would be open to the kind of relationship that you want. In the meantime, you could continue to read and post on this forum, and learn as much as you can, about poly and about four-way couplings. What you want is quite specific, and might take awhile to form, so you will have to be patient. Also it is important that you explain exactly what you are hoping for to the people you date. This way there are no surprises later on down the road.
Click to expand...

This is super useful, friendly and mature. I'm very grateful! I've now downloaded OKCupid and will check it out. Thanks Kevin!
 
vinsanity0 said:
Yes, that would be considered a type of poly relationship. I don't think it's realistic to think that is something that could happen quickly. It could happen but it would take forever. I mean, what are the chances of two bi guys and two bi women all liking each other enough to commit to such a thing?
Click to expand...

I'm in no rush, this isn't a gimmick or a fad so happy to be patient. I assume it would start with me dating a bi girl (or guy) then together finding a third, building that relationship then when we're ready, finding a fouth.

Of course if the journey changes direction due to where we all sit and agree then so be it!

I think the chances are quite high personally. Let's assume I'm dating a bi girl, the chances of us both fancying the same woman, enough to try dating her are solid although 'love' may be considerably harder if not impossible however forming a solid 'Quad' that are friends and housemates as much as lovers is much more reasonable and achievable.
 
NeilMK said:
I'm in no rush, this isn't a gimmick or a fad so happy to be patient. I assume it would start with me dating a bi girl (or guy) then together finding a third, building that relationship then when we're ready, finding a fouth.

Of course if the journey changes direction due to where we all sit and agree then so be it!

I think the chances are quite high personally. Let's assume I'm dating a bi girl, the chances of us both fancying the same woman, enough to try dating her are solid although 'love' may be considerably harder if not impossible however forming a solid 'Quad' that are friends and housemates as much as lovers is much more reasonable and achievable.
Click to expand...

Of course the chances are high that you and a future bi person would find someone you are both interested in. The question is will they have feelings for both of you. Then add a fourth into that mix. It's good that you are willing to be patient lol.

Many couples start out looking for a mutual partner. It usually falls apart when the third doesn't quite have equal feelings for both. Often they put up with sleeping with one to get to be with the other. This leads to resentment.

I believe you are well intentioned. I'm not saying that what you seek is impossible, but there is a reason triads and quads aren't all that common in poly. They are extremely difficult to achieve, especially long term. I wish you luck.
 
NeilMK said:
I'm in no rush, this isn't a gimmick or a fad so happy to be patient. I assume it would start with me dating a bi girl (or guy) then together finding a third, building that relationship then when we're ready, finding a fouth.

Of course if the journey changes direction due to where we all sit and agree then so be it!

I think the chances are quite high personally. Let's assume I'm dating a bi girl, the chances of us both fancying the same woman, enough to try dating her are solid although 'love' may be considerably harder if not impossible however forming a solid 'Quad' that are friends and housemates as much as lovers is much more reasonable and achievable.
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I actually disagree strongly that it is likely to meet someone you and a hypothetical future partner would both be into AND have that person be into both of you.

Hubby and I have been together since high school. I'm bi. We have found plenty of women we would both enthusiastically fuck. But every women I develop feelings for, he feels friendly towards at best. Every woman he develops feelings for, I feel friendly towards at best.
 
Hi Neil,

I'm glad you were able to download OKC, now you will be able to search for suitable matches in your area. Good luck!

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Hi Fuchka, thanks for posting.

fuchka said:
I'm curious - what attracts you to this particular shape of relationship?
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Great question! Here goes... The odds of finding any one person that can be everything I want and need in a relationship puts a huge amount of pressure on that person. I might be lucky to find someone that can match my sexual appetite but they might not enjoy deep conversation, or sports, or video gaming etc. By having multiple partners I get very different things from each relationship and therefore the pressure to be 'perfect for me' is reduced. I want my partner(s) to feel relaxed about who they are and who they want to be, not trying to be everything to me and forgetting who they are, something I've done a lot of in relationships prior (pleasing others at my own detriment).

When I'm in a monogamous relationship I also feel trapped somewhat, I want more, but this could come from not finding someone who can give me everything I need.

And finally on a rather more crude note, who wouldn't want threesome and foursome playtime regularly with boys and girls?!

fuchka said:
Of course if you found the magical three other people who happened to have the same dream, were still single/had room for more partners and were holding out for the fantasy foursome, and were willing to date you and all the other three people, you'll be set.
Click to expand...

Surely finding a bisexual girl isn't too hard. Finding one that wants a gf as well as myself surely wouldn't be too hard. Wanting us to play together might be harder but not unreasonable and adding an extra male to help fulfil their fantasies too still sounds reasonable! We all win!

;)
 
AlwaysGrowing said:
I actually disagree strongly that it is likely to meet someone you and a hypothetical future partner would both be into AND have that person be into both of you.

Hubby and I have been together since high school. I'm bi. We have found plenty of women we would both enthusiastically fuck. But every women I develop feelings for, he feels friendly towards at best. Every woman he develops feelings for, I feel friendly towards at best.
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Hi Growing!

I think one thing and perhaps a difference between us might be that I value sexual intimacy a massive amount. I generate huge amounts of fulfilment from incredible sex. To me a great sex life represents openness to share something so intimate, no boundaries, no distractions. To share that experience with others is super important to me.

To find four people that become incredible friends as you put it, that all 'enthusiastically fuck' would still be an incredible experience for me because I'd get so much out of it beyond a physical experience.

I have a strange relationship with people's energy. I can almost feel aura's if that makes sense. When I touch, not even rudely, when I sit close, engage in conversation at a deep level I feel it.

Does that make even a tiny bit of sense?!
 
vinsanity0 said:
Of course the chances are high that you and a future bi person would find someone you are both interested in. The question is will they have feelings for both of you. Then add a fourth into that mix. It's good that you are willing to be patient lol.

Many couples start out looking for a mutual partner. It usually falls apart when the third doesn't quite have equal feelings for both. Often they put up with sleeping with one to get to be with the other. This leads to resentment.

I believe you are well intentioned. I'm not saying that what you seek is impossible, but there is a reason triads and quads aren't all that common in poly. They are extremely difficult to achieve, especially long term. I wish you luck.
Click to expand...

I'm a sucker for the hard road! The best things are always worth an incredible amount of effort! One religious quote I love (I'm not religious) is Jesus stating 'I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it.'

:p
 
kdt26417 said:
Re:


:D

This due to the infinity sign (which must not be spoiled) on the infinity poly heart.
Click to expand...

Hehe, that's why I'm not convinced I'm poly. I don't need or want a potentially unlimited amount of connections. Just two women and one guy will do! Any more than that and I'd probably die from exhaustion :D

Of course I'm being flippant, but I like monogomy, just in a triad or quad! Although I guess we could still invite in people for playtime? See! Confusing?!
 
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