I got a "am I crazy?" moment re.

[jacQues]

First of all; I don't use Facebook and am so glad to find this forum.

I see myself as a kitchen table poly person. So I don't have casual sex. Recently my reality was shook because I have the opposite view on something than my love interest (trying to avoid the word "girlfriend" lol). She's not quite kitchen table, but loving and respectful, which is absolutely fine for me. For this question, I am going to try to bring it as objectively as possible and without emotions. My goal is to understand what other poly people view this matter, as I don't have poly friends to ask. Basically, we're both dump struck at the other person's vision and I would like to find out if I came in too strong.

Guy 1 says to her: The idea of you having sex with guy 2 is revolting to me.

Is this sharing your thoughts, obviously you should be able to share to your partner without a filter in place. Or is this 'not done', bordering on behavior correction and guilt building.

 

[Magdlyn]

Did you say that to your gf? "The idea of you having sex with Guy 2 is revolting to me."

 

[vinsanity0]

I have no problem with sharing thoughts. I do have a problem with that wording. That is not conducive to a healthy discussion. The guy is basically calling his gf disgusting. No person is going to react well to being called disgusting.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello jacQues,

I think it's fine to share your thoughts, you just need to mind how you word things. Rather than, "The idea of you having sex with Guy Two is revolting to me," try, "It is a struggle for me to be okay with it when you have sex with Guy Two."

My 2¢,
Kevin T.

 

[JaneQSmythe]

First of all; I don't use Facebook and am so glad to find this forum.

Glad to have you! I, too, am not a frequenter of FakeBook and have greatly appreciated this forum. (And I find it interesting that your UserName is very similar to one which I use on a different site.)

I see myself as a kitchen table poly person. So I don't have casual sex.

I am curious as to why you feel that these are mutually exclusive? We tend to be very KTP by default (if one of us is seeing someone that prefers parallel poly that is fine too) - but that doesn't preclude those of us interested in casual sex from pursuing that (safer sex and COVID-19 precautions aside) - as long as they leave me some COFFEE in the morning!

Guy 1 says to her: The idea of you having sex with guy 2 is revolting to me.

Is this sharing your thoughts, obviously you should be able to share to your partner without a filter in place. Or is this 'not done', bordering on behavior correction and guilt building.

I think it does depend on the context - was this an unsolicited statement out of the blue or part of a longer conversation? I agree with vinsanity that the wording is problematic.

Is this a case, however, of TMI? Dude is a fan of sharing sexual details - I am not a fan of hearing them, especially if it a.) involves someone that I don't particularly like or find attractive (like Jane2) and/or b.) involves a sexual act (like anal sex) that is a turn-off for me.

It is one thing knowing that someone has a sexual relationship/encounter - it's another thing to be exposed to details that you would prefer were kept private (NOTE: private =/= secret). Common courtesy is important even (especially) in intimate relationships - one can be perfectly honest while phrasing things (filtering) in a way that is less offensive. For instance: "I prefer not to hear intimate details about your sexual relations with others, it makes me uncomfortable." Now, if a person truly finds the very idea of their partner having sex with another person "revolting" - then then may want to examine if poly is the right relationship structure for them to participate in.

 

[jacQues]

Did you say that to your gf? "The idea of you having sex with Guy 2 is revolting to me."

I deliberately didn't state what side I'm on, as I want unbiased answers. I'll give it a few days and then provide more 'reading material'.

 

[jacQues]

Glad to have you! I, too, am not a frequenter of FakeBook and have greatly appreciated this forum. (And I find it interesting that your UserName is very similar to one which I use on a different site.)

I feel welcome; thanks! It actually is my real name. Yes, I did read the advice when signing up. Everyone around me knows I'm poly and it's never been a problem in any way. And being poly is not the most 'deviating' about me.

I am curious as to why you feel that these are mutually exclusive? We tend to be very KTP by default (if one of us is seeing someone that prefers parallel poly that is fine too) - but that doesn't preclude those of us interested in casual sex from pursuing that (safer sex and COVID-19 precautions aside) - as long as they leave me some COFFEE in the morning!

You are correct. They are not mutually exclusive. In fact, both of us did have casual sex in the past and don't rule it out in the future. More that we dislike the empty feeling afterwards and therefore prefer sex within loving relationships. By the way, what does "KTP" stand for?

I think it does depend on the context - was this an unsolicited statement out of the blue or part of a longer conversation? I agree with vinsanity that the wording is problematic.

Part of a longer conversation. But that by itself doesn't provide context.

Is this a case, however, of TMI?

This has nothing to do with TMI.

Now, if a person truly finds the very idea of their partner having sex with another person "revolting" - then then may want to examine if poly is the right relationship structure for them to participate in.

This is indeed the case. But as for the relationship structure part, guy 1 also has another partner (12 years now, in fact) and had other relationships during that period (so at the same time) in the past. Guy 1 leaves her free to explore and have other relationships and are together for 2 years now. Now I'm no expert and simply don't know what's out there. But I don't think that guy 1 is anything else than poly.

 

[FallenAngelina]

Guy 1 says to her: The idea of you having sex with guy 2 is revolting to me.

Lots of poly people don't want to hear about or even really think about their partner being sexual with another. Compersion is not a requirement of poly, but being OK with the basic structure is a requirement for emotional well being and stability. I'd be interested to know if this comment came out of the blue as an accusation or criticism, or whether it came up in response to having been asked during a discussion. Someone sharing his honest feelings when having been asked about them is different that someone hurling a judgement out of nowhere. What was the conversational context? There are very few poly-friendly people who would just hurl this out of nowhere. Context is everything.

 

[Tinwen]

I deliberately didn't state what side I'm on, as I want unbiased answers. I'll give it a few days and then provide more 'reading material'.

I understand why you might want to do that, but I don't think it's the way to get the most out of this forum. People are good at giving personalized tips, both on behaviour and dealing with feelings. And interested in people's stories. Yes, sometimes the mirror the forum provides is crooked and biased, but you won't help that much by having us guess on what side you are, what the context is, or what your actual struggle is. I suggest you be more specific sooner rather than later - you might loose interest of people who opened the thread now, but perhaps won't when you give the update.

I don't even know what to comment on in your situation. Sounds like the guy who said it is rather monogamish.

 

[jacQues]

Lots of poly people don't want to hear about or even really think about their partner being sexual with another. Compersion is not a requirement of poly, but being OK with the basic structure is a requirement for emotional well being and stability.

TMI I get. But I never considered compersion not to be a requirement, to be honest. Sounds logical when you write it, I simply never gave it a thought and assumed (yes yes) that it is present in all poly people. In my own defense, I know only few.

 

[jacQues]

I don't even know what to comment on in your situation. Sounds like the guy who said it is rather monogamish.

Definitely not the case.

I understand why you might want to do that, but I don't think it's the way to get the most out of this forum. People are good at giving personalized tips, both on behaviour and dealing with feelings. And interested in people's stories. Yes, sometimes the mirror the forum provides is crooked and biased, but you won't help that much by having us guess on what side you are, what the context is, or what your actual struggle is. I suggest you be more specific sooner rather than later - you might loose interest of people who opened the thread now, but perhaps won't when you give the update.

I wanted to avoid subjective reactions, based on the kind gesture of 'helping out' the topicstarter. As I look at the poll, this seems a case of...

In any case, I'm guy 2 and when she told me about it I was gobsmacked about the remark my metamour made to her, as well as her reaction about it to me ("What's the problem?"). It felt like I lost reality.

As for context, I wasn't present so cannot reliably answer that. But to my personal opinion, the fact that such a remark afaic is 'not done' overrules any context (unless it was a joke, which it was not). I always operate using "loving support", but this felt more like a boycott.

P.S. Don't fret. We're good. <3

 

[kdt26417]

KTP = Kitchen Table Poly.

 

[FallenAngelina]

I never considered compersion not to be a requirement

This seems to be one of the major misconceptions of polyamory. Compersion certainly gets a lot of press and air time when poly is portrayed in the media, but it is definitely not a requirement for a good poly relationship. Lots of long time poly people are not interested in hearing about the sex life of their partners. Call it disinterest, call it revolting, as your mystery man said, or call it icked out - any way you slice, it, it's perfectly acceptable and common in poly for partners not to cross pollinate with sex talk or ask their partners to imagine them with others. Poly simply means that you're OK with your partner's partners, not that you get turned on hearing about them.

 

[vinsanity0]

Definitely not the case.


I wanted to avoid subjective reactions, based on the kind gesture of 'helping out' the topicstarter. As I look at the poll, this seems a case of...

In any case, I'm guy 2 and when she told me about it I was gobsmacked about the remark my metamour made to her, as well as her reaction about it to me ("What's the problem?"). It felt like I lost reality.

As for context, I wasn't present so cannot reliably answer that. But to my personal opinion, the fact that such a remark afaic is 'not done' overrules any context (unless it was a joke, which it was not). I always operate using "loving support", but this felt more like a boycott.

P.S. Don't fret. We're good. <3

Why on Earth would she tell you about it? Was it to say "so and so was a real asshole, he said this and I broke up with him"? Sounds like the wife is playing games.

 

[jacQues]

This seems to be one of the major misconceptions of polyamory. Compersion certainly gets a lot of press and air time when poly is portrayed in the media, but it is definitely not a requirement for a good poly relationship. Lots of long time poly people are not interested in hearing about the sex life of their partners. Call it disinterest, call it revolting, as your mystery man said, or call it icked out - any way you slice, it, it's perfectly acceptable and common in poly for partners not to cross pollinate with sex talk or ask their partners to imagine them with others. Poly simply means that you're OK with your partner's partners, not that you get turned on hearing about them.

Makes sense. Thank you!!

Funny how those things work. Feels like when I first fell in love with someone other than my partner, whilst still being very much in love with her. Options are to ignore my new feelings, have a secret affair or 'switch' right? Yup, that's it! But since I tell my partner everything, I decided to tell her before making up my mind. Well, suffice to say, she was not happy. But because we talked and stayed talking, very slowly a new option occurred to me. One that wasn't there before: have a (side) relation but not secret. We didn't take that route, but my world was broadened and the next (monopoly) relationship I kept talking. It felt like the only right thing to do. But I also strongly felt I didn't want just more/other sex and I wanted her consent. So I didn't feel like I wanted an open relation. At that time I had never heard of polyamory. When someone told me about polyamory, it was a revelation. Yet another option. But this time, it felt the right one for me personally. Unfortunately, my partner kept vetoing everyone. Lots of things to learn... I've got a lot of compersion (but do not need to know intimate details). I simply wish her all the best. So I hope they have that good thing called sex when they are together. I assumed (yes, pitfall) that's how it works for all poly people. Now I know there are more options.

 

[jacQues]

Why on Earth would she tell you about it? Was it to say "so and so was a real asshole, he said this and I broke up with him"? Sounds like the wife is playing games.

Because we tell each other everything (except TMI stuff). Also, she wouldn't hurt me and simply wasn't aware it would. For her, it was just and only his opinion, nothing more. So no games, just honesty.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

Sounds like she's playing games to me

 

[fuchka]

Because we tell each other everything (except TMI stuff). Also, she wouldn't hurt me and simply wasn't aware it would. For her, it was just and only his opinion, nothing more. So no games, just honesty.

Ok so for you, is this TMI? You'd prefer she hadn't shared it?

Do you believe she had no idea this would hurt you?

Do you think he shouldn't have said it? She shouldn't be ok with him saying it?

"We tell each other everything (except TMI stuff)" sounds like the problem here, maybe. TMI is pretty subjective.

If she made a genuine mistake about what to share with you, can't you just chalk it up to a misunderstanding / mismatch in TMI tolerances? Now she knows where a line is for you. She didn't think it would be there. You believe she's not playing games. You still trust her, you forgive her, you move on

Or - she's unforgiveably careless. You break up.

Or you can't be with someone who would be ok with a meta saying that about another partner. If it's a deal-breaker, you break up.

Or you can't be with someone who can't see how this is a problem. Game over.

I guess I'm not seeing where exactly your block is and what insight you're hoping to achieve via this forum's input.

I'm glad you found the compersion discussion helpful. Good points from FallenAngelina there.

Maybe you just wanted to sound out other people's thoughts on this, to work through your own ideas. Fair enough. But what we think is not as relevant to the situation as what you think and what your partner thinks and what you both think about what the other person thinks and what you want to do about it now

Good luck

 

[DarthSidious]

In my humble opinion being in poly relationship and being jelous at the same time is hypocritic. That's all.

 

[Magdlyn]

Because we tell each other everything (except TMI stuff). Also, she wouldn't hurt me and simply wasn't aware it would. For her, it was just and only his opinion, nothing more. So no games, just honesty.

There's no need to have an understanding that one couple who practice poly will tell each other EVERYTHING. Good communication is important. Honesty and transparency about one's own feelings and decisions that affect your partner(s) is important.

But a hinge should be tactful. And there are things one partner says or does that a hinge shouldn't share with her other partner(s). Hell, even mono people won't tell their mom everything their lover says or does. They might tell their bff something intimate about their lover or spouse, but that can get sticky. I know I've felt uncomfortable around friends' husbands because my friend told me intimate or unpleasant things about him.

What your gf's OSO says or does should be between them. Telling each other EVERYTHING only concerns what you two personally think or feel.

Your gf should be asking her OSO for consent about what is OK, or not, to share with you, just as she should be asking you what is OK for her to share with him. Maybe he wouldn't find you gross if she wasn't oversharing about you with him.

Telling you that he finds the idea of her fucking you nauseating did no one any good. It wasn't helpful. If anything, it should make her rethink how much to tell you about her other relationships. You didn't need to hear it. If anything, she could have said something more general, like, "My OSO struggles with the idea that I am poly (and so maybe he's not right for me)."