meeting a potencial metamour

I

inescarvalho

New member
Hello everyone,
I'm new here, this is my second post. And I'm very grateful so far, I feel like for me having a supporting community is key in handling all this.

So the other day me and my partner met with this person with whom he had only been on 3 or 4 dates. They're also in a long time open relationship which started off monogamous. The 3 of us had a nice time and it was good for me to meet them. But now I'm dealing with this super awkward feeling of putting them in this situation of meeting me. I feel like it was probably to soon for this kind of arrangement and that we might have scared them away.. I just thought that maybe if we all met and realized we were all on the same page it would be better for everyone involved including myself. I feel like such awkward noobie coming on so strong so fast. You know when you feel like you're being too honest too soon? I really don't want them to feel like they're already in a relationship with me even though they barely know my partner anyway! It's so embarrassing for me to feel that we were all talking about stuff that might not even come into being and pushing things that should've happened naturally.

So I've been dealing with these feelings and I noticed that I was doing so in such a binary way. I started telling myself that I should've played it cool. You know? As if nothing was happening, as if I should lie to myself and others about how I really feel about this. As if I should've pretended that everything was ok and I'm this super experienced free lover. Fuck that bullshit. That's the whole "you have to be normal", "you have to look like you've got your shit together", "you have to be so certain about everything and know exactly what you want", "you're not allowed to be weird" crap all over again. Hell no.

Layers and layers and layers of nonsense! I'm 23, I know shit. And at the same time I do know some stuff. And I'm glad I decided to meet her. Why am I so afraid of making mistakes? Why am I taking myself so seriously? Isn't that how you learn and grow? Isn't honesty a brilliant thing? So I was honest with everyone and I'm so proud of myself for having had the guts to do so.

Everything else is just how the learning curve works.

For so long this wasn't going anywhere just because I was afraid to reveal my less likable sides to others, to take risks and to be myself.

I decided to share this intense little drama (that happened pretty much inside of my head) with you guys.


Wishing you a nice week,
Inês
 
Hi Inês,

It sounds like you were second-guessing yourself at first, like you thought, "Oh no! What if I did something wrong? like I messed up everything!" whereas actually, what you did (meeting the potential metamour) was probably just fine. And it was fine of you to be yourself, even to admit your insecurities, if that's what came up in the conversation. You are right, it's better to just be yourself and be honest. I'm glad the three of you had a nice time together, and maybe the three of you will get together again sometimes in the future.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
There's a feeling I get occasionally, which I refer to as "post performance anxiety". I do some performance art and it comes up in that context for me. But I also experience a similar thing in my personal life from time to time, and sometimes at work, too.

It comes after a situation when I've been particularly vulnerable / unguarded. I've put myself out there. Afterwards I can get crippling anxiety, second guessing myself, self loathing, just wanting to hide. I feel like I've been boldly climbing a tree without concern, and then suddenly I look down and am alarmed by how far up I've gone. I'm on a precarious limb... Maybe too far out to come back safely.

I'm not sure if this is what you felt but what you wrote reminded me of that. How I work through it is to remind myself that my emotional reaction is a flipside of my decision to be vulnerable. I am grateful that I was able to be honest without fear; if I had (pre-)performance anxiety that could stop me from expressing myself at all. That would be harder to work through I think. Sometimes I also ask myself whether it would have been better for me to be guarded in that situation (cos for me, the feeling can be associated with somewhat spontaneous / impulsive self-expression - and that's not always a good thing!)

Sounds like you processed your feelings well. It was interesting to read your thought journey. If you want to share more along the way, there's a blog section on this forum which some members use for general life updates. But you need not use that section.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hi Inês,

It sounds like you were second-guessing yourself at first, like you thought, "Oh no! What if I did something wrong? like I messed up everything!" whereas actually, what you did (meeting the potential metamour) was probably just fine. And it was fine of you to be yourself, even to admit your insecurities, if that's what came up in the conversation. You are right, it's better to just be yourself and be honest. I'm glad the three of you had a nice time together, and maybe the three of you will get together again sometimes in the future.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Hello,
Thanks for being so reassuring, it really calmed me down.

Have a nice day,
inês
 
exactly!

fuchka said:
There's a feeling I get occasionally, which I refer to as "post performance anxiety". I do some performance art and it comes up in that context for me. But I also experience a similar thing in my personal life from time to time, and sometimes at work, too.

It comes after a situation when I've been particularly vulnerable / unguarded. I've put myself out there. Afterwards I can get crippling anxiety, second guessing myself, self loathing, just wanting to hide. I feel like I've been boldly climbing a tree without concern, and then suddenly I look down and am alarmed by how far up I've gone. I'm on a precarious limb... Maybe too far out to come back safely.

I'm not sure if this is what you felt but what you wrote reminded me of that. How I work through it is to remind myself that my emotional reaction is a flipside of my decision to be vulnerable. I am grateful that I was able to be honest without fear; if I had (pre-)performance anxiety that could stop me from expressing myself at all. That would be harder to work through I think. Sometimes I also ask myself whether it would have been better for me to be guarded in that situation (cos for me, the feeling can be associated with somewhat spontaneous / impulsive self-expression - and that's not always a good thing!)

Sounds like you processed your feelings well. It was interesting to read your thought journey. If you want to share more along the way, there's a blog section on this forum which some members use for general life updates. But you need not use that section.
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Hi!

Thank you for your reply. I identify so much with what you're saying. We actually talked about that after the date (me and my partner). I always only feel nervous afterwards. Before and during the events I'm super chill and available. Thanks for sharing your personal thoughts and your tools on how deal with this situation. It was super calming and useful, I'll definitely be coming back to your words in times of need.

Have a nice day,
inês
 
Kind of

SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
Do you feel like you forced the meeting on them?
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Hello!
Yes I kind of feel that way. Thanks for your question!

B - my partner
M - his date
C - their longterm partner

M and C have been in an open relationship for 2 years, so a lot longer than me and my partner.
Ever since B met M he was giving me all this positive feedback and telling me how well they were figuring things out. So C showed up spontaneously during M and B's video date. And B and C also met briefly during one of M and B's real dates. C gave a tomato plant to B. And M kept saying she wanted to meet me.
This is all very new to me and I was already feeling a bit rude - being the only one not participating at all, since everyone seemed so open and friendly.

So we invited her to meet for beer on a Sunday afternoon (last weekend). M was acting nervous and at some point I addressed the elephant in the room. Then I realized that M is dealing with a lot of anxiety and insecurity at the moment and that this situation was just too much for her. So she felt as if it was an interview. As if our gathering was about me approving her or not.
Such thing as never even crossed my mind. I was just open to meeting her. I don't think we have to be best friends or even relate to each other, as long as everyone is being treated in a kind and respectful way. And I did like her.

So she met us because of me. Even though she thought it was weird to have a date the 3 of us so soon and for so long, she thought that maybe this was what I needed and she wanted to give me that. Which is beautiful.

So yes I now feel that I forced it on her but I really didn't mean to and that's why it feels so bad. It was just a misunderstanding. We're all still getting to know each other and all the information I had was what B was telling me. So not directly what C or M said or felt but B's interpretation which apparently was not so accurate. That's understandable - we're all very different and don't know so much about each other.

Writing this helped me to understand the situation a bit better.
And that maybe we're all overthinking a lot and dealing with our own problems.

Thanks,
Wishing you a nice week

inês
 
Glad I could help.
 
It doesn't sound like a big deal. You got to meet her. Everything is cool. Now you can let B and M decide when to include you in the future, if at all.
 
Hey Ines,

I don't know if you'll continue to post here, but if you do, could you please choose nicknames for the other people? You may or may not be using your real name. But we recommend nicknames so everyone can be anonymous. You can choose something else, but you've got B, M and C. So for now I'm going to use Bear, Merida and Cook.

Initials are confusing and hard to remember. Look how much clearer this looks for your readers, with names.


inescarvalho said:
Bear - my partner
Merida - his date
Cook- Merida's longterm partner

Merida and Cook have been in an open relationship for 2 years, so a lot longer than me and Bear.

Ever since Bear met Merida, he was giving me all this positive feedback and telling me how well they were figuring things out. So Cook showed up spontaneously during Merida and Bear's video date. And Bear and Cook also met briefly during one of Merida and Bear's real dates. Cook gave a tomato plant to Bear. And Merida kept saying she wanted to meet me.
Click to expand...

So she wanted to meet you. Meeting for one beer sounds like a great way to meet a metamour!

This is all very new to me, and I was already feeling a bit rude being the only one not participating at all, since everyone seemed so open and friendly.
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Actually, that's not rude at all. There is no need for metamours to meet. It's completely a matter of choice. If everyone meets and gets along, that's great. It's called "kitchen table poly," KTP. If people don't want to meet, much, other than in passing, it's called "parallel poly."

So we invited Merida to meet for beer on a Sunday afternoon (last weekend). She was acting nervous, and at some point I addressed the elephant in the room. Then I realized that Merida was dealing with a lot of anxiety and insecurity at that moment, and that this situation was just too much for her. She felt as if it was an interview, as if our gathering was about me approving her or not.

Such a thing had never even crossed my mind. I was just open to meeting her. I don't think we have to be best friends, or even relate to each other, as long as everyone is being treated in a kind and respectful way. And I did like her.

So, she met us because of me. Even though she thought it was weird to have a date the 3 of us so soon and for so long, she thought that maybe this was what I needed and she wanted to give me that. Which is beautiful.

So yes, I now feel that I forced it on her, but I really didn't mean to, and that's why it feels so bad. It was just a misunderstanding. We're all still getting to know each other, and all the information I had was what Bear was telling me, not directly what Cook or Merida said or felt, but Bear's interpretation, which apparently was not so accurate. That's understandable - we're all very different and don't know much about each other.
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So, now you're saying Merida did NOT want to meet you, but Bear thought she did? Oh well. What's done is done. There's no need to meet her or Cook again and hang out. And I get that she felt like it was an interview for approval, even if it wasn't. It can feel intimidating to meet a metamour. It's very common to feel that way. It's like "meeting the parents" when you do that in mono dating.
Writing this helped me to understand the situation a bit better. Maybe we're all overthinking a lot and dealing with our own problems.
Click to expand...

Things sound good. Just let it all unfold. My advice is asking Bear not to overshare about Merida. Most of his interactions can stay on that side of the V. Or he can tell understanding friends about Merida stuff. Likewise, he shouldn't be oversharing YOUR private stuff with her. Think about what you'd rather not have him tell her. Each dyad has a right to their privacy.
 
Hey Ines,

I don't know if you'll continue to post here, but if you do, could you please choose nicknames for the other people? You may or may not be using your real name. But we recommend nicknames so everyone can be anonymous. You can choose something else, but you've got B, M and C. So for now I'm going to use Bear, Merida and Cook.

Initials are confusing and hard to remember. Look how much clearer this looks for your readers, with names.
Click to expand...

Hi Magdlyn,

Of course! Thanks for being so welcoming :)

So, now you're saying Merida did NOT want to meet you, but Bear thought she did? Oh well. What's done is done. There's no need to meet her or Cook again and hang out. And I get that she felt like it was an interview for approval, even if it wasn't. It can feel intimidating to meet a metamour. It's very common to feel that way. It's like "meeting the parents" when you do that in mono dating.
Click to expand...


You're right, what's done its done and it was an opportunity for growth. In the end I'm happy that we all met. Yes I can understand that "meeting the parents" thing, I thought about that. Thanks for helping me to see Merida's side better.

Things sound good. Just let it all unfold. My advice is asking Bear not to overshare about Merida. Most of his interactions can stay on that side of the V. Or he can tell understanding friends about Merida stuff. Likewise, he shouldn't be oversharing YOUR private stuff with her. Think about what you'd rather not have him tell her. Each dyad has a right to their privacy.
Click to expand...

That's definitely an issue for us. Because I value my privacy a lot, in any given circumstance. But Bear has this weird thing that he wants to say everything in order not to feel like a liar. Does this make sense? It's hard for him to understand the difference between dishonesty and privacy.

So there was this thing that I think he overshared, like I said I value my privacy. Everything was getting a bit confusing between us and we decided to limit the number of people that we could see (super short term situation). The idea was to take a little step back and start with a little. Steady.

Bear shared this agreement with Merida. And he has overshared with me in the past. Little details that are.. well.. private. Most of the times it might not even be a big deal. But it's just unnecessary. There's this weird feeling to it. So we're also trying to figure this one out, which we will.

Thank's for addressing this issue. Even if this is a bad example I can see how this could be a problem in the future.

Have a nice weekend!

inês
 
vinsanity0 said:
It doesn't sound like a big deal. You got to meet her. Everything is cool. Now you can let B and M decide when to include you in the future, if at all.
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Hi!

Yes, all is good :)
 
Re (from inescarvalho):
"Bear has this weird thing that he wants to say everything in order not to feel like a liar. Does this make sense?"
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Sort of like, if he leaves anything out, he thinks that he's lying by omission. Right?

One thing about that is, there are some things that don't affect the situation for the person he is telling. Like it's something that person doesn't *need* to know. And if they don't need to know it, why tell it? That's how I look at things. Especially if what you're telling compromises someone else's privacy.

Just a thought.
 
inescarvalho said:
You're right, what's done its done, and it was an opportunity for growth. In the end I'm happy that we all met. Yes, I can understand that "meeting the parents" thing. I thought about that. Thanks for helping me to see Merida's side better.

That's definitely an issue for us. Because I value my privacy a lot, in any given circumstance. But Bear has this weird thing that he wants to say everything, in order not to feel like a liar. Does this make sense? It's hard for him to understand the difference between dishonesty and privacy.

So there was this thing that I think he overshared. Like I said, I value my privacy. Everything was getting a bit confusing between us and we decided to limit the number of people that we could see (super short term situation). The idea was to take a little step back and start with a little. Steady.

Bear shared this agreement with Merida. And he has overshared with me in the past. Little details that are.. well.. private. Most of the time, it might not even be a big deal. But it's just unnecessary. There's this weird feeling to it. So we're also trying to figure this one out, which we will.

Thank's for addressing this issue. Even if this is a bad example, I can see how this could be a problem in the future.
Click to expand...

I'd highly recommend Bear learn to be more discreet. After all, there are things you might tell your best friend, or your trusted brother or sister, that you wouldn't tell your mom, your great aunt or your pastor, right?

Merida doesn't need to know how you sound when you cum, or what your favorite position is. Eek! She also doesn't need to know every detail of your marriage and its ups and downs. I'd feel kinda violated if my metamour knew too many intimate things about me.

It sounds like maybe Bear is a person with little to no "filter." Whatever is on his mind just flows out of his mouth. This is concerning.

We have another guy here who just showed up to say his gf is mad at him because he spent about $200 on his wife's birthday present (pre-pandemic) and he "only" spent $70 on her present just recently. No one needs to know that!
 
Sort of like, if he leaves anything out, he thinks that he's lying by omission. Right?

One thing about that is, there are some things that don't affect the situation for the person he is telling. Like it's something that person doesn't *need* to know. And if they don't need to know it, why tell it? That's how I look at things. Especially if what you're telling compromises someone else's privacy.
Click to expand...

Yes, I've been trying to tell him that. But it's a process for him and I guess we need to have a real talk about it.
Thank you
 
I'd highly recommend Bear learn to be more discreet. After all, there are things you might tell your best friend, or your trusted brother or sister, that you wouldn't tell your mom, your great aunt or your pastor, right?

Merida doesn't need to know how you sound when you cum, or what your favorite position is. Eek! She also doesn't need to know every detail of your marriage and its ups and downs. I'd feel kinda violated if my metamour knew too many intimate things about me.

It sounds like maybe Bear is a person with little to no "filter." Whatever is on his mind just flows out of his mouth. This is concerning.

We have another guy here who just showed up to say his gf is mad at him because he spent about $200 on his wife's birthday present (pre-pandemic) and he "only" spent $70 on her present just recently. No one needs to know that!
Click to expand...

I know.. I completely agree with you. But Bear somehow doesn't get any of this and he means well but he gets very confused. For example, just because I asked him not to reveal certain details of our relationship he decided not to talk about it at all, not even with his friends.

I don't think this is the best way to deal with this issue because it's not solving anything. We just need to have a real talk about it, and it shouldn't be so hard.

Thanks :)
 
Yeah, it sounds like discretion is a confusing topic for him. You need to explain to him that there are some things that are okay for him to share with his friends, even if you wouldn't want him to share it with your metamour.
 
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