Need help off line in real life

IanK

IanK

New member
Hi,

I have posted befoe and have read all the materials, gone thew every post, done every excersize that was given to me but I need someone who has experienced jealousy and envy to talk to live in person on the phone or threw personal text or whatsapp. I have so many issues going threw my head and im affraid I will just be typing in circles but its not a real live person im talking to. Is there anyone that would be willing to councel me please.
 
I highly suggest posting here. Instead of 1 person giving advice based on their own experiences, you get multiple people with multiple experiences. Folks here are pretty patient unless you end up 1 - ignoring all advice/justifying poor behavior, 2 - lying/changing your story constantly (some mix ups are expected but I'm talking trying to cover your tracks to change the narrative kind of lying), or 3 - get defensive if you get told something you don't like.

If you avoid those behaviors, then the advice you get here will probably be awesome AND there's the added benefit of potentially helping people when they read the thread.
 
ok I have the other thrread going but I dont want to sound like a broken record and make people think Iam not heeding their advice. I am extremly jealous, I always want to know what my wife is talking to her bf about, I dont ask but feel like I want to. Ive gone over the new and shiny in the other post, Iam jealous he gets the lovey dovy soft voice whispering, giggling behaviour and I get the old shoe behaviour. She talks to him on the phone and thew messanger several times a day and what seems like ignoring me 80% of the time. How long does it take to get used to this new life style? how can I make it easier on myself? how can i learn to deal with it? how should I act? what should I say? this poly stuff goes against the grain that I was raised with. I want to make it work for the sake of our marriage, and our kids.
 
If you feel this post should go in the other thead I will move it there and you can delete this one.

thanks
 
IanK said:
If you feel this post should go in the other thead I will move it there and you can delete this one.

thanks
Click to expand...

You can still delete this thread yourself. You have until the original post is 12 hours old to edit it or delete the entire thread. You could delete it right now if you want to.

Just copy the text of the original post, paste it into the other thread, and click on Edit then Delete to remove this one. It will ask you "are you sure" etc. Say "yes".
 
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Hi Ian,

It seems to me that you could benefit from finding some polyamorists in real life, local to you. Then you could meet with them live, and pick their brains without having to wait around for their response. Here are some links that might help you look for a local poly group:

Also you could google "polyamory" with the name of your province or nearest major city.

As for this forum, you have the option of contacting other members via private messaging. You still have to wait awhile for their response, but this way you can talk with someone up close and personal. And of course, that way you can be selective about whom you share things with. For what it's worth, I would be willing to private message with you, if you think it might help.

For the record: it seems to me that you are trying to address the "problem" of jealousy, when actually in this case, there is good reason why you should be jealous. Namely, your wife is treating you unfairly. She is ignoring/neglecting you, making you do all of the childcare, and cooing and talking sweet to this fellow from Norway, while talking to you like you are some old shoe. NRE is probably driving her behavior, but that doesn't make it okay. My point is, it isn't the jealousy that needs addressing, it's her behavior that needs addressing. She needs to treat you like a husband, not like a dishwasher. Speak up for yourself. Tell her this. It's not up to you to make the entire poly arrangement work all by yourself. She has to do her part as well. Tell her this. She doesn't get to just have fun all the time, while you do all of the work.

And I know that you have good reason not to address her behavior. Namely, if you address it, she will leave you, or at least that's what you think she might do. She has already left you once. What's stopping her from leaving you again? Well ironically, that in itself is part of the bad behavior that she is dishing out to you. How cruel and unfair was it for her to leave you like that in the first place? It doesn't even sound like she was planning to return, she only returned as an afterthought. *You* are an afterthought to her. And now she is "back," but the way she is treating you is worse than how she was treating you when she was gone. At least then she was being honest about how little she valued you. Can you honestly say that she values you now? or does she take you for granted? and can she afford to take you for granted? Will you do anything to convince her to not leave you again? and does she know that?

You want to know what your wife is talking to her boyfriend about because you want to be included. Your wife is discluding you.

Anyway I am willing to continue this conversation with you, whether in this thread or by private messaging, or both. Whichever works best for you. And for as long as it takes. If you need to be repetitive, be repetitive. I won't complain. This is the kind of problem where you are being hurt in a similar fashion, over and over again. Of course you are going to sound like a broken record. Your wife has put a huge scratch in you. And your options are limited, you can't just do anything anyone advises you to do. You need to save your marriage. You want to save your marriage.

I'm sorry you're going through this.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
IanK said:
Hi,

I have posted befoe and have read all the materials, gone thew every post, done every excersize that was given to me but I need someone who has experienced jealousy and envy to talk to live in person on the phone or threw personal text or whatsapp. I have so many issues going threw my head and im affraid I will just be typing in circles but its not a real live person im talking to. Is there anyone that would be willing to councel me please.
Click to expand...

A therapist?
 
IanK said:
I want to make it work for the sake of our marriage, and our kids.
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Taking your other thread into account, I wonder if you want poly at all. Trying to keep a marriage together isn't a stable foundation for any open relationship, let alone poly. The partners have to want to explore this option and be getting something out of it for themselves as individuals. With a very few standout exceptions, pretty much everyone was raised with a monogamy model, so your jealousy isn't just about overcoming programming. Are you excited or even interesting about polyamory at all or are you just trying to do anything that will keep your wife happy? If you've agreed to a polyamorous marriage just to keep the marriage, you're very likely going to experience jealousy at every turn - and rightly so. An open marriage is just not what you want. Or??? You tell us.

Jealousy is not always something to overcome. Sometimes jealousy is valuable communication from your emotional guidance system, your internal GPS, if you will. Sometimes jealousy is communicating loud and clear that this situation is not what is best for you at all. Talking to one person and saying pretty much the same as you've told us here and in your other thread isn't going to make your jealousy evaporate. Jealousy, like anxiety, is often valuable communication letting us know that our values are being compromised in a big way. You tell us. Is polyamory an idea that gets you excited or is it something you're trying to shoe-horn into your life just to keep your wife around? What is your unrelenting jealousy telling you?
 
It doesn't even sound like jealousy, so much as envy. Norway Guy is getting something you wish you were getting.

It sounds to me like your marriage has been on the rocks for some time. And it sounds like your wife is troubled. You say she left you completely a while ago. It sounds like she abandoned her/your kids as well, then. That's pretty drastic. And now she's neglecting the kids anyway. She's not really back with you and the family. She's just benefiting from a familiar place, and all your work with the kids and around the house.

When are you going to put your foot down and make it clear she's not pulling her weight? Why are you letting her walk all over you like this? It sounds like you need therapy to help build your self esteem and help you determine your options.

Right now, this isn't really polyamory at all. She's not acting in a loving way to you (or her kids). She's just using you, it seems.
 
IanK --

I'm sorry this is poly hell to the max. I commend you on trying to be open minded about it. But there's stable poly and wonky poly. And if all your wife is offering you is "wonky marriage" or "wonky poly" ... maybe you just say no to wonky of any kind? Maybe you rather have "stable on my own" instead?

Kathy Labriola does a jealousy workbook for poly.

https://www.amazon.com/Jealousy-Wor...words=labriola+jealousy&qid=1590691095&sr=8-1

But before going down that route maybe pause to reflect? Can't be chasing ALL the poly things, ykwim?

This may not be "newbie poly probs." This may be "long break up of a marriage." Just a long circling the drain style of it. Have you considered that? :(

Some people try to use poly as a "soft exit" out of a marriage. Like line up the new person before dumping the old. Or assuage their guilt about checking out because hey, the partner "gets to date too" and maybe can find a new person. So then me checking out? I don't have to feel bad, right? Some weirdness like that.

Is that what is happening here? :confused:

I'm not trying to be mean here. :eek: I can appreciate you may be under deep stress and possibly in shock with all the crazy lately.

I just do not want to see you bend yourself into pretzels trying so hard to "learn to do poly" to "save the marriage" if that is not REALLY where your heart is at and not REALLY want you want to be doing in your life. Or you doing all this work and wife just kinda phoning it in or not even.

I get that you love your wife. I get that you hurt she may or may not still love you. I get that facing change can be painful. Esp when you don't even know what change this even IS clearly.

Is it changing to do poly?

Is it changing to move on to a divorce?

Some kind of change is happening here.

How about a deep breath and a step back and consider "what saves the people?" Because preserving a marriage just to preserve a marriage while the people INSIDE it are suffering? I don't think that would be healthy. It doesn't get you any less miserable than you are today. :(

You could give 200% super human effort but if in the end she's not giving too? No matter how hard you try to fly that kite, you will find it won't fly. And you will burn out. Even giving 100% of your effort is only 50% of what it takes to hold up a marriage stick. If she's not holding up her end of the stick and doing her fair share? If you start carrying both sides, then she's coasting on your work and there is no "shared partnership" marriage happening. You are doing all the work. And not like temporary -- because she fell ill for x months. But like permanent. Is that what you want in a marriage? You permanently carrying all the stick and doing all the work? For what? So it looks good for the relatives and neighbors?

You may have to sit with your own self first and do some soul searching. Decide why you are doing this. Do you want to do poly from a place a of joy? Because you really dig it or want to do it? Because you think it is a lovely way to live your life?

Or are you doing it so as to avoid divorce? Keep wife in your orbit because she already left once and abandoned the family. And she's back but you don't know for how long?

Be SUPER HONEST with yourself. What do YOU want in YOUR life and how do you want to live out the things YOU value? Is this life and this kinda living it? Life is not a dress rehearsal. You only get the one.

The things you feel are normal. Both jealousy and envy, and maybe even some anger and upset.

She IS doing "new shiny" soft giggly voice to New Dude. Because she's investing her time and energy there.

She IS doing "old shoe" to you because she's not investing much time or energy with you.

If she is only "back home" so she has a soft nest where you do most of the work with parenting the kids and whatnot? And her being here is becoming a drag on YOU? You may have to to tell her to make up her mind and get it together. She cannot stay here coasting forever. Decide if she's a part of the family here or not.

  • Pull her weight as a roomie who also lives here. Cuz she doesn't have to live here.
  • Pull her weight as a spouse and work on marriage repair. Cuz you don't have to stay married.
  • Pull her weight in the family as a coparent. Because even broken up, she's still the mom. So how involved does she plan on being with the kids?

Simply state which toggles are still "on" for her and which ones are not. And you state yours.

Like yes to coparent and no to marriage. Or whatever it is. So you can both be super clear on what this is now. Because to just "coast" while you do all the work here is not right. It's kinda fresh.

If this needs to be a different change than you learning to do poly? Like a divorce and her moving out and you both learning to coparent after divorce? Figure it out. Get on the correct train at this train station of your life. Not wasting time taking wrong side trip trains and having to circle back and get on the right train. That is EXHAUSTING.

I believe this:

  • jealousy = I have something I am afraid someone will take away
  • envy = someone has something I want for me.


I am extremly jealous, I always want to know what my wife is talking to her bf about, I dont ask but feel like I want to.
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Why? What's the fear behind the jealousy? What do you think they talk about? Do you fear her abandoning you and the family again to go run off to be with him again?

Ive gone over the new and shiny in the other post, Iam jealous he gets the lovey dovy soft voice whispering, giggling behaviour and I get the old shoe behaviour.
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So she's not courting you any more. She talks like "I want to repair" but her walk is "doesn't spend time with me doing anything -- neither dates nor repair." Is that it? Her talk and actions do not match? And this bothers you?

She talks to him on the phone and thew messanger several times a day and what seems like ignoring me 80% of the time.
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So she's not investing in the marriage or marriage repair. Is she doing the parenting chores and house chores? Is she using this new relationship for escapism?

How long does it take to get used to this new life style? how can I make it easier on myself? how can i learn to deal with it? how should I act? what should I say? this poly stuff goes against the grain that I was raised with. I want to make it work for the sake of our marriage, and our kids.
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Are you changing beliefs and now think poly is a good way for YOUR life? Or are you going against the grain of your life just to hang on to this partner?


And what is "it?" What other ways make "it" work? Cuz maybe you and and kids could make it work better with mom living somewhere else so stability in the house can return rather than more brouhaha. Because it sounds like mom is present in body only at this house. And not really HERE anyway. :(

I live with an adult child of divorce. He and his siblings saw the writing on the wall watching the parents fight. And they all say they wish the parents had just split sooner so their childhood could have stabilized sooner rather than "stay together for the kids" til my husband graduated HS. He was the youngest which meant MANY years of ugh. It simply meant more parent fighting and more brouhaha in the house for more years. Yeah, they stayed together "for the kids" til the last one graduated but the kids themselves would have been happier dealing with coparenting and shuttling between two calm adult households than enduring one fighting one for so long, trapped there.

So reflect. "For the kids" means WHAT in your household... REALLY? What do you want to teach? In my husband's case, I think it would have been healthier for him to skip the dysfunctional family part and bonus years of fighting. And go with "Ok, kids. Not all marriages make it. THIS is what respectful divorce and respectful coparenting after divorce looks like in case it happens to you as an adult."

I am just guessing. I might be guessing wrong. I do see your pain and your struggle though. I'm sorry for that. :('

I encourage you to think about getting a counselor for extra support. Take advantage of telemedicine in pandemic if that's what you have to do . There are lists for poly-friendly counselors. But to me it doesn't sound like poly per se. It sounds like a "losing interest" wife who won't come right out and say "divorce" yet. :(


https://www.polyfriendly.org/list.php?category=Psychotherapists - Licensed or Registered

I am hoping I am totally wrong. I am hoping she gets her NRE lala under control and you are able to make the repairs together.

If not, then I hope you can find peace and healing one way or another however it is this all turns out.

I wish I could say something to alleviate your burden some. :(

Galagirl
 
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Pay attention to what these people are telling you. Maybe you thought you would come here and all of us poly people would give you some magic formula for becoming poly. It doesn't work like that.

The problem isn't your jealousy. The problem is that you don't want poly. Putting up with something just to keep a partner will never work. It doesn't matter if it's poly or something else. It will always be a major point of unhappiness for you.

Have you made your feelings known to your wife? Her behavior needs to change if this has any chance of working at all. But even if she cleans up her act, there will still be problems from your side. There is no way you can control her relationship enough to make you completely comfortable.

You guys need some couples therapy. If she wants to make it work with you, she needs to put the other guy on hold to work on your relationship. You can't fix a broken relationship by piling more broken on top of it. She clearly hasn't focused on you enough to mend your relationship.
 
vinsanity0 said:
Pay attention to what these people are telling you. Maybe you thought you would come here and all of us poly people would give you some magic formula for becoming poly. It doesn't work like that.

The problem isn't your jealousy. The problem is that you don't want poly.
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But this isn't poly, this is checking out and only being there bodily.

Putting up with something just to keep a partner will never work. It doesn't matter if it's poly or something else. It will always be a major point of unhappiness for you.

Have you made your feelings known to your wife? Her behavior needs to change if this has any chance of working at all.
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Her behavior doesn't "need" to change. No one needs to change for someone else. Ian can change what he is doing. If he changes, speaks up, tells her he's done, she will have to change as a result.

But even if she cleans up her act, there will still be problems from your side. There is no way you can control her relationship enough to make you completely comfortable.
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Ian has no right to "control" his wife's relationship with Norway Guy! If she's done with Ian and has moved on, she can damn well get out of the house.

You guys need some couples therapy. If she wants to make it work with you, she needs to put the other guy on hold to work on your relationship.
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Again, she doesn't need to do anything. Ian would definitely benefit from individual therapy. He could request couples counseling but I'm guessing Wifey will refuse. She's on easy street until he makes some serious moves on his own.

You can't fix a broken relationship by piling more broken on top of it. She clearly hasn't focused on you enough to mend your relationship.
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Ian,

As I have continued to think about it, I think I may have come to a better appreciation of the extent of your dilemma. I will state what I have observed, and perhaps you could correct me if I got anything wrong.

The components of your dilemma seem to be:

  • You want/need to save your marriage no matter what it takes.
  • Under no circumstances would you ever want to leave your wife.
  • Your wife left you once, and you need that to never happen again.
  • You're afraid she'd leave you if you objected to any of her behaviors.
  • She is doing things that hurt you, but you can't object to her about that.
  • You need her to stop doing the hurtful things, without asking her to do so.
  • Either that or, you need to find out how to not be hurt anymore by her actions.
The list above outlines the only alternatives that can be acceptable for you. I hope you'll let me know if I'm mistaken about any of it. One solution is, to get reassurance that what you're experiencing (poly wise) is normal (to the process), and it will pass. I actually see that as your only way out. It has been speculated that your wife is mostly acting the way she is because of NRE. NRE is a temporary state, so the theory at least is that she might start treating you better after the NRE wears off. The bad news is, NRE lasts longer in an LDR, and her other guy is in Norway, so I don't know how long it'll take, I hope no longer than three years. If you can hunker down and endure her actions for the next three years, there is some hope that you will get some relief after that. Now we just need to figure out how to get you through those three years.

I don't know how relevant it is, but I want to ask, why did your wife leave you in the first place? I know she did it so she could be with the guy in Norway, but did she have other reasons in addition to that? I mean, leaving was a pretty extreme course of action for her to take, especially because she was leaving her kids. Were there problems in the marriage before she left? Is it possible that the situation now is an extension of those earlier problems?

The one other thing I want to say (at this time), is, to strongly echo what others have said about seeing a therapist. I think seeing a therapist would help you; I would encourage you to do it if you can. With the Covid-19 crisis, you may have to meet with a therapist using Zoom or Skype. But do it if you can. You have a prickly situation on your hands, I don't think any of the answers will come quickly or easily. And that's why I suggest getting a professional to help you troubleshoot the problem. There's nothing wrong with you, it's the marriage that's in trouble, and you need as much expert advice as you can get.

Hopefully I'll think of other insights as our conversation continues.
With sympathy,
Kevin T.
 
HI everyone, I have been reading and trying the best way to answer all your questions. I will get it to it tonight and give you feedback and answers. I just have to gather all the info and write my answer. I truley appreciate everyones responses, itws been a great help to me, and will need comtinued interation with you all as I get threw this.

Thank you everyone
 
I'm glad if I could help; I'll look forward to your pending post/s.
 
kdt26417 said:
Ian,

As I have continued to think about it, I think I may have come to a better appreciation of the extent of your dilemma. I will state what I have observed, and perhaps you could correct me if I got anything wrong.

The components of your dilemma seem to be:

  • You want/need to save your marriage no matter what it takes.

    That is correct I want to save this marriage no matter what it takes, We have been together 26 years this Aug and lover her so much I feel like I cant live without her
  • Under no circumstances would you ever want to leave your wife.

    Never. I will do wahtever it takes to keep her with me and me with her.
  • Your wife left you once, and you need that to never happen again.

    Correct. It scares me that she did it once, she can do it again.
  • You're afraid she'd leave you if you objected to any of her behaviors.

    Yes, I am affraid if I do she will get upset and leave me.
  • She is doing things that hurt you, but you can't object to her about that.

    We are talking it out now. we just started talking about it so its in the early stages.
  • You need her to stop doing the hurtful things, without asking her to do so.

    Yes, but that is being addressed by my wife including me in the calls with the guy from Norway. We were friends before she left, and agreed to be friends even brothers since she came back, and agrees to this Poly relationship.
  • Either that or, you need to find out how to not be hurt anymore by her actions.

    Read above
The list above outlines the only alternatives that can be acceptable for you. I hope you'll let me know if I'm mistaken about any of it. One solution is, to get reassurance that what you're experiencing (poly wise) is normal (to the process), and it will pass. I actually see that as your only way out. It has been speculated that your wife is mostly acting the way she is because of NRE. NRE is a temporary state, so the theory at least is that she might start treating you better after the NRE wears off. The bad news is, NRE lasts longer in an LDR, and her other guy is in Norway, so I don't know how long it'll take, I hope no longer than three years. If you can hunker down and endure her actions for the next three years, there is some hope that you will get some relief after that. Now we just need to figure out how to get you through those three years.

I don't know how relevant it is, but I want to ask, why did your wife leave you in the first place? I know she did it so she could be with the guy in Norway, but did she have other reasons in addition to that? I mean, leaving was a pretty extreme course of action for her to take, especially because she was leaving her kids. Were there problems in the marriage before she left? Is it possible that the situation now is an extension of those earlier problems?

The one other thing I want to say (at this time), is, to strongly echo what others have said about seeing a therapist. I think seeing a therapist would help you; I would encourage you to do it if you can. With the Covid-19 crisis, you may have to meet with a therapist using Zoom or Skype. But do it if you can. You have a prickly situation on your hands, I don't think any of the answers will come quickly or easily. And that's why I suggest getting a professional to help you troubleshoot the problem. There's nothing wrong with you, it's the marriage that's in trouble, and you need as much expert advice as you can get.

Hopefully I'll think of other insights as our conversation continues.
With sympathy,
Kevin T.
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Ok, heres the story. I would say about 10 years ago, I was lazy and was getting my wife to do all the work, take the kids to and from school, shop, cook, clean, and I wasnt much of a help, this was the root of the problem. Fastforward to 2 /12 years ago, my wifes suffered a catastrophic brain injury when she slipped and fell and hit her head on some ice outside a shop.

She has had many falls since and suffered multiple concussions which perhaps is contributed to behavioural changes along with other health issues along side of this. I was there in the hospital everytime she got sick, and was by her side making sure she was ok. She has been in the hospital for various physical reasons. It was draining on me, and it got the point she didnt feel I cared about her anymore and was getting fed up. But I did care and there was a miscommunication that got the ball rolling to her leaving. With this injury she has had a drastic change in her personality and memory.

My wife left me after I left for work, she took off to Norway wihtout telling a soul leaving us in shock and awe. about 4 weeks later she messaged me saying it was a mistake that she left and I welcomed her back home. When she got home she will still talkking to this guy lying to me at every turn about it saying she was torn and confused. She wanted to me when she was in Norway and wanted to be with him when she was here.

After several lies I caught her in about talking to him and messages she was sending to a friend saying she was planning on leaving me again, and she did it once and can do it again, and a fake account she was using to talk to him, we had a huge fight.

My daughter who knows a Poly family suggested because my wife couldnt decide which one of us she wanted to be with and didnt want to leave either one of us, we decided to have a poly relationship. I figured this was the only way I would be able to keep her, and have her not leave me again, which was my biggest fear.

Since then the issues I meantioned which I thought are issues are slowly being resolved, but the feeling I have are still fresh and bother me. I want this to work. I get excited by the thought of another man being with my wife, I thought about it in the past (becareful what you wish for you might just get it) We have had sexual activity wth her here and him on video at the sametime. I still get twnags of jealoussy and feeling that she isnt spending enough time with me. She is going to Norway at the end of Aug if covid is gone or eases up for a month. Then in Feb the two of us will go up to see the northern lights which has been on my bucket list.

Is this moving to fast? I dunno. Being new to Poly everythig is foreign to me and sometimes upsetting. I can hold on for 3 years for the NRE to wear off, I am willing to be with her no matter what. I am no saint either, I cheated on her 15 years ago.

Thank you so much for listening and helping. Its been a great asset to my getting to know about being Poly and working threw the rough parts. I look forward to your responses, suggestion, ideas, and help. If you want look deeper and get more of the story, Iam willing to share if it helps in this transition.
 
Hi Ian,

Thanks for your new post, it clears up a lot and helps illustrate why things have gone the way they've gone, and what might be possible in the future. It is really good news that you have been able to start a dialog with your wife about the things that were bothering you. That gives me hope that the two of you can come to a compromise on some of the issues that have maybe been driving you apart. And it sounds like you are on good terms with the guy from Norway; that is also a hopeful sign.

I'm thinking about the therapist thing, and I actually think it might be helpful for you and your wife to talk to a therapist jointly. The therapist could act as a sort of mediator, allowing the two of you to dig even deeper into the issues that have plagued you as a couple, and as well, the therapist could help give the two of you ideas on how to rectify some of your sticking points. Naturally I hope we'll be able to do that on this forum as well, but add the support of a professional is what I mean.

Since you are new to poly, there really is hope that some of the things that are plaguing you now will fade (or become more tolerable) in the future. I don't necessarily think you're moving too fast, but I do think it would help a lot if you and your wife could get in the habit of doing even more communicating. I almost want to say you can't communicate too much, to go ahead and go into communication overload, but I won't go that far. I just want to stress how important communication is.

Your wife has health issues, which makes it easier to understand why maybe she does things that seem insensitive. I have heard elsewhere about the effects of catastrophic brain injury, and I know it can be quite bad, it can cause the person who suffered the injury to act in ways that we would think would be inexcusable if done by someone who did not have such an injury. So, I feel safe in saying it makes sense to be very patient with your wife, she is doing the best she can with the tools available to her.

Again, thanks for sharing more details. It helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thank you for more background info. It helps "color in" more of the picture of what you are dealing with. Wife with a brain injury explains some things. Not an excuse for poor behavior, but it helps shed some light. I have to sit with it and think on it.

I'm not sure what to add right now other than be careful of this:

You want/need to save your marriage no matter what it takes.

That is correct I want to save this marriage no matter what it takes, We have been together 26 years this Aug and lover her so much I feel like I cant live without her

Under no circumstances would you ever want to leave your wife.

Never. I will do wahtever it takes to keep her with me and me with her.
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That sounds like latching on to a person really heavily like they are your woobie person. They may find it suffocating.

And you? You need to be able to say "No,thanks. I love you a whole lot. Like my fav person to love! But not even for YOU will I do stuff that hurts me. I have to love me too. So I pass on that one. No, thanks. "

It is not healthy nor reasonable to expect yourself (or her to expect you to) throw yourself under a bus and do stuff that hurts you just to still be in some kind of relationship with her. I get that it is hard to imagine something else, something different if you have clocked decades being here as her spouse. But that doesn't mean you have to become resigned, subsume yourself to the relationship, and not speak up for yourself or your own needs.

You have to be able to feel safe, and feel good participating here too.

I get you want this to work out. I hope she does too and shares that want.

I get that you are willing to wait out NRE to see if this calms down and need help hanging on through the NRE period. I hope she is willing to see past the rosy colored NRE glasses to see how her behavior affects the household. She can't be doing "old shoe" to you and taking your for granted if she wants this to be a healthy marriage through the transition to poly. Some NRE blind people take established partner for granted and are surprised when established partner gets fed up and walks out. Poly hell pitfalls.

But I hope you will NOT put you or the children through HARM just to "save the marriage." Some costs are too great. It's ok to hurt some as some changes take getting used to. But HARM -- that's something else. Right?

And also -- stress management! I do encourage you to arrange a counselor to talk about all this stuff.

  • Why you cheated in the past. What (if anything) was done to repair.
  • Why you kinda checked out and left all the work to her for a while. What (if anything) was done to repair.
  • How the brain injuries have changed wife's behavior/personality and coping with that big stress.
  • How dealing with wife cheating/abandoning the family and coming back is stressy.
  • How dealing with considering poly is stressy.
  • How to improve marriage communication. That seems to be an underlying theme through a lot of the above.
  • Whatever else may be happening in pandemic time that is stressy.

You might event want to look at the Holmes and Raye stress scale. I mean, you have been clocking some BIG number stresses there.

https://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/newTCS_82.htm

Do your best to take things one day at a time. Make "pockets of normal" if possible -- like making dinner, paying bills, watching a movie. It's cannot all be "go go go!" on this stuff ALL the time. Even if all you have time for is a 5 min break? Maybe some breathing. Small, but doable. YKWIM?

Square breathing or breath to an animation.

Don't let this big stress ball overwhelm you.

Hang in there.
Galagirl
 
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Hi Ian,

I was just wondering if there were any updates on your situation. I know it's only been a few days, but I just wanted you to know that I've been thinking about you, and hoping things were still slowly improving for you. Has your wife made some efforts to pay some more attention to you? to spend some more time with you? to talk a little sweeter to you? I hope so.

Post again soon if you get the chance.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hi Ian,

I was just wondering if there were any updates on your situation. I know it's only been a few days, but I just wanted you to know that I've been thinking about you, and hoping things were still slowly improving for you. Has your wife made some efforts to pay some more attention to you? to spend some more time with you? to talk a little sweeter to you? I hope so.

Post again soon if you get the chance.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Click to expand...

Hi Kevin,

Things are getting better. Lines of communications are opened up. I still get those jealousy pangs. Thinking about her going to Norway for a month at the end of august is giving me bubbe gut. My wife has made more of an effort. I found keeping busy during the day and not looking over her shouldder all the time has helped. I am reading that book and doing the excersizes and its helping a little. Still a ways to go to get where I am comfortable. I want her to be more affectionate and talk sweeter to me, still aways to go to get that where I want that to be too, but we are working toward that. Instead of having the 3 of us together with him on video has stopped for now. It excites me and dont know why he wanted to top it. I plan on having another chat with my wife today. I will keep you updated. Thank for thinking about me.
 
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