Hello from a "unicorn"!

N

nemmanem

New member
Hi!

I am a 40 year-old bisexual female newly in a triad with a MF married couple. Him and I started dating four months ago and I met his wife and started dating her/them together a couple months ago. She is bisexual, he is straight, and they've been together for about five years. Things have been going astonishingly well and we are all quite happy, and have been spending lots of time together and making future plans, but of course there is a fair amount of figuring things out. None of us have been in quite this situation before. They have been "open" (but not really poly) since they first met, which meant that they both occasionally dated other women casually and separately, and had a "do what you want but don't tell me about it" agreement. They have had two girlfriends together in the past, for only a month or two each, but told me that it wasn't very serious, and that this is the first time they've had a girlfriend that has been such a good fit and felt more serious. (They have been hoping/looking for a more serious GF for a while... classic "unicorn hunters", I guess, lol). I have wanted a triad relationship like this basically since I was 16, but I never pursued it because it seemed impossible/crazy/difficult and it was easier, but unfulfilling, to just go with monogamy or casual relationships/dating.

When him and I started dating, he wasn't expecting it to turn into anything serious or beyond a couple casual dates, but we had an immediate strong connection and he quickly realized that he wanted it to become something more, and thought that his wife and I would really like each other. I had a lot of reservations and concerns, but I decided "what the hell" and gave it a shot. I went over to their place on a Friday night just to have a drink and meet her... and didn't go home until Monday morning! Since then we've spent almost every weekend together, had lots of conversations about what we all want and why, our concerns, and talking about feelings a few times when her or I felt left out, and it has been really great and open, caring communication. He's very conscientious and attentive to us both, and we all just really enjoy being with each other and balance and support each other well. We have slowly started having one-on-one overnight dates with just me and her or me and him and that is also going well.

I think my biggest concern is just how much I will be an equal member of our relationship - like how much they will see it as "we're a couple, and inviting you into our relationship" rather than "this is a relationship equally between the three of us". Especially since they are married, and her family is very traditional/religious/homophobic and she is not out about being bisexual or poly, whereas he and I are both out and have already told our family and friends. I worry that there might be limits to how deep they will go with me. But they have also both shown in actions and words that they truly want an equal relationship with me, eventually. It's just a little tough for me because I see them being really lovey with each other, and having this well-established relationship with married couple rights and history, and I feel envious of that and sometimes it makes me feel kind of lonely at the same time as I feel happy for them and excited about our relationship. It's a confusing jumble of feelings! Everything I've read online about triads, and managing envy and jealousy etc., is about more established relationships. I can't find anything that talks about what it's like when you're just starting out with an established couple and are not at that stage yet of expecting certain things. I want to hopefully someday be considered just as loved and important as they are to each other, but right now it's a very new relationship and we're still getting to know each other! So how do I navigate this feeling of being... well... "secondary"? (For example, they live together and get to spend every night together, and I'm envious of all their time together.) I've talked with them a little about this but it always starts getting awkward because it's just too soon for any relationship, poly or mono, to be forcing it too much into future speculation. So I don't even know what to ask for or how to manage these emotions.

In any case, I'm really happy that we all found each other, and excited for what develops!
 
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That sounds exciting @nemmanem. Equality is hard to comeby coming into an established relationship. It is something I have struggled with in the past myself but as I have learned to be advocate for my needs like the last poly relationship I had, things went so much better. It is nervous to do that when walking into a relationship but I have found when it is all up front, people respond well. Granted I am not a unicorn so that could be harder.
 
I worry that there might will be limits to how deep they will go with me.

Fixed it for you.

Source: her family is very traditional/religious/homophobic


So, now I'll stop being all reddity and actually use sentences. You're all having a wonderful time right now, and more power to you for it. But sooner or later it's going to become an issue that her family would not accept her lifestyle and lovestyle choices. There may even be some concern about them disowning her. Probably not what she wants to actually experience in the long run. So there will be limits on your participation in their extended family lives. No Thanksgiving (if you're in that part of the world), no Christmas. Perhaps other holidays, too. Nothing where here family could catch wind of the situation.

But there are certainly ways to enjoy each other in that "secondary" capacity. First, let's address the time together. You deserve to spend quality time with each of them separately. Plan some dates that are just two of you. Try and ensure these are balanced between both even if it's not strictly turn about. Get to know them both as individuals and learn what things that different about them so that you see them as Him and Her, not Them. They will also see slightly different aspects of you because everybody interacts with different people slightly (or more) differently.

As for feeling secondary, you are right now and that's simply because it's all brand new. And you'll always have known them less time than than have known each other, but one day that won't seem like such a big gap to bridge and you'll have your own memories with each and both, and own anniversaries with each and both, and so on.

I truly wish you all the best because a working triad is a wonderful thing.
 
Greetings nemmanem,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like you need help managing your feelings about being the newcomer in this triad, and feeling like you're the secondary partner. Like, you can't change the situation, so you just want to know how to feel okay about it. Does that sound about right? I wonder if this couple would mind if you moved in with them? Then you'd have more time with them, even though you still wouldn't be their equal. The wife would probably tell her family that you are just a friend, but at least you'd know that she was willing to make you somewhat more equal. In the meantime, you could develop some thankfulness around what you have, like it is really cool that this couple is willing to go outside the normal bounds of a monogamous relationship for you. Your own attitude can make a huge difference (in how you feel).

You do seem to be happy with this triad relationship overall. It's just this irritating little thing, this one little irritating thing that sometimes bothers you. Make a list of all the things that are good about this relationship. All the good things this couple does for you, all the things you like. For instance, you mentioned that he is very conscientious and attentive to you both, that is a wonderful thing and is something you could put on your list. All of the good things. The positive things. Like the fact that this is something you've wanted since you were 16. Things like that. You might be surprised by how many things there are, and this will help you feel that thankful feeling.

Keep in mind too, that even if you're a secondary partner *for the moment,* you still have rights. Don't just settle for any treatment, let this couple know that you expect to be treated like an equal, even if you're not equal yet (if that makes sense). Stand up for yourself, and don't fall into the trap that unicorns normally fall into, which is to kowtow to the couple's every want and need, and ask for nothing in return. It's not like you did something wrong by not marrying them. *You* are a good person. *You* deserve to be treated well. Don't settle for anything less.

I hope things will keep going good with your triad.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
tdh said:
That sounds exciting @nemmanem. Equality is hard to comeby coming into an established relationship. It is something I have struggled with in the past myself but as I have learned to be advocate for my needs like the last poly relationship I had, things went so much better. It is nervous to do that when walking into a relationship but I have found when it is all up front, people respond well. Granted I am not a unicorn so that could be harder.
Click to expand...
Thanks for your reply @tdh ! I'm not even sure what to ask for. Sometimes something bothers me, but I can't decide if it's just an emotion I need to deal with myself, or if there's something specific I could ask for. For example, I have noticed that when they video call me together from home, and are hugging and kissing each other while talking to me, it makes me feel jealous and left out, and annoyed that they don't seem to even think about how things like that might make me feel. I wouldn't call her and do that when he and I are alone together. But I don't know if it's reasonable to ask them not to be affectionate over video when they're talking to me? It all feels like a lot to navigate.
 
kdt26417 said:
Greetings nemmanem,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like you need help managing your feelings about being the newcomer in this triad, and feeling like you're the secondary partner. Like, you can't change the situation, so you just want to know how to feel okay about it. Does that sound about right? I wonder if this couple would mind if you moved in with them? Then you'd have more time with them, even though you still wouldn't be their equal. The wife would probably tell her family that you are just a friend, but at least you'd know that she was willing to make you somewhat more equal. In the meantime, you could develop some thankfulness around what you have, like it is really cool that this couple is willing to go outside the normal bounds of a monogamous relationship for you. Your own attitude can make a huge difference (in how you feel).

You do seem to be happy with this triad relationship overall. It's just this irritating little thing, this one little irritating thing that sometimes bothers you. Make a list of all the things that are good about this relationship. All the good things this couple does for you, all the things you like. For instance, you mentioned that he is very conscientious and attentive to you both, that is a wonderful thing and is something you could put on your list. All of the good things. The positive things. Like the fact that this is something you've wanted since you were 16. Things like that. You might be surprised by how many things there are, and this will help you feel that thankful feeling.

Keep in mind too, that even if you're a secondary partner *for the moment,* you still have rights. Don't just settle for any treatment, let this couple know that you expect to be treated like an equal, even if you're not equal yet (if that makes sense). Stand up for yourself, and don't fall into the trap that unicorns normally fall into, which is to kowtow to the couple's every want and need, and ask for nothing in return. It's not like you did something wrong by not marrying them. *You* are a good person. *You* deserve to be treated well. Don't settle for anything less.

I hope things will keep going good with your triad.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
Click to expand...
Hello Kevin @kdt26417 ! Thanks for your reply. You summed it up really well! I'm finding it difficult to know what's "reasonable" to ask for or want in this relationship, because it's so different from anything I've had before or know anyone in. I have been being pretty clear with them from the very beginning that I'm not interested in a relationship where I am seen as an "extra" or anything less than an equal partner to them both. You're right to point out the dynamic of being "treated like an equal, even if you're not equal yet", and I do think they try really hard to do this with me, and are receptive to things I discuss with them. Also, they have actually brought up the idea/fantasy of maybe one day us all moving in together, like wondering if I'd want something like that potentially when the time comes. I think that would be a big step towards feeling truly equal. It's hard knowing they're home together all the time, without me, even though I do enjoy and need my alone time.
 
Evie said:
I worry that there might will be limits to how deep they will go with me.

Fixed it for you.

Source: her family is very traditional/religious/homophobic


So, now I'll stop being all reddity and actually use sentences. You're all having a wonderful time right now, and more power to you for it. But sooner or later it's going to become an issue that her family would not accept her lifestyle and lovestyle choices. There may even be some concern about them disowning her. Probably not what she wants to actually experience in the long run. So there will be limits on your participation in their extended family lives. No Thanksgiving (if you're in that part of the world), no Christmas. Perhaps other holidays, too. Nothing where here family could catch wind of the situation.

But there are certainly ways to enjoy each other in that "secondary" capacity. First, let's address the time together. You deserve to spend quality time with each of them separately. Plan some dates that are just two of you. Try and ensure these are balanced between both even if it's not strictly turn about. Get to know them both as individuals and learn what things that different about them so that you see them as Him and Her, not Them. They will also see slightly different aspects of you because everybody interacts with different people slightly (or more) differently.

As for feeling secondary, you are right now and that's simply because it's all brand new. And you'll always have known them less time than than have known each other, but one day that won't seem like such a big gap to bridge and you'll have your own memories with each and both, and own anniversaries with each and both, and so on.

I truly wish you all the best because a working triad is a wonderful thing.
Click to expand...
Hi @Evie , thank you for your reply! She has actually been talking a lot about how to come out to her family, both as bi and about her/their relationship with me, which is really cool! I think that me talking about how I am open with friends and family has been inspiring her. We'll see what happens, but I'm glad she's at least thinking about it and wanting to do that.

Feeling secondary when it's brand new... yeah, that's challenging. Thank you for pointing out that that will be different someday after enough time. It makes me feel hopeful.
 
That's really exciting that she's mentally working through coming out and talking about it with you both. I wish you and her and him all the best with that. It was super liberating when I started to do so.
 
Hi nemmanem,

I think it would be reasonable for you to ask them to not do PDA's during their video calls with you. That at least would ease your mind until the time comes for you to move in with them. Can I ask, what's stopping you from moving in with them right at this moment? Is it because she's not out to her family yet? Is it because it just seems too soon? Something else? a combination of things?

Hopefully you can work things out with them.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hi nemmanem,

I think it would be reasonable for you to ask them to not do PDA's during their video calls with you. That at least would ease your mind until the time comes for you to move in with them. Can I ask, what's stopping you from moving in with them right at this moment? Is it because she's not out to her family yet? Is it because it just seems too soon? Something else? a combination of things?

Hopefully you can work things out with them.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Click to expand...
Thanks for the validation on it being reasonable to ask for that. It's only been a couple months, so for me it's too soon to be thinking about moving in together, plus we have leases and stuff. But they have brought up the idea of doing so at some point.
 
It sounds like you are getting things worked out a little bit at a time. I think the three of you can get things worked out eventually, like you said it's only been a couple of months, so things are still in the early stages.
 
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