My partner likes my best friend

[exabement]

My girlfriend and I are fairly new to polyamory, the first few years of our relationship were monogamous. She has dated other people before and I currently have another partner, in these situations we hadn't met eachothers partners beforehand.
My girlfriend recently admitted to me that she has feelings for my best friend of 6 years and it really shocked me. I can't pinpoint exactly why but I feel uncomfortable with the situation. I'm worried if something goes wrong I'll be torn between them, and for the first time ever, I feel slightly jealous.
Has this ever happened to anyone else? How did it make you feel and how did it pan out?

 

[Inaniel]

This happened to my wife and I, although poly was not very organized in our life at the time. I would say it didn't go particularly well for us. Ever since, I have established a personal boundary not to pursue my wife's friends. She relies on her friends for emotional support and I don't want to disrupt that equilibrium. In your particular situation, you mention that you have not met one another's partners. This would be a big divergence from normal I take it? Does it diverge from any specific rules or boundaries the two of you currently have in place?

 

[kdt26417]

Hello exabement,

Some people have a "messy list," it goes like this: something like, "Do not date coworkers, relatives, friends, etc., people with whom things could get messy if things turn south. There's plenty of people to date in this world without going for the messy ones." You should tell your girlfriend that you have a messy list, and that your best friend is on that list. It's nothing personal, it's just that you feel uncomfortable with her dating someone so close to you. You do not consent to her dating that one. In poly, you have to have your partner's consent, so, since your girlfriend does not have your consent, she will have to forgo dating your friend. She can crush on your friend all she wants, and can enjoy that feeling, she just can't tell your friend that that's how she feels.

Hopefully that makes sense and helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[icesong]

In poly, you have to have your partner's consent, so, since your girlfriend does not have your consent, she will have to forgo dating your friend.

That's a pretty... absolutist definition of poly. Some of us don't believe we have "right of approval" on our partners' partner choices. There is no "have to" here - she's a free person, if she chooses to pursue your friend she can. You don't have to like it or remain in a relationship with her, and she should know that that's a possibility (I mean, if either of my partners told me they'd be wildly uncomfortable with me pursuing someone that I was merely crushing on I wouldn't do anything about the crush - there's no calculus that would result in "possibility" being more important to me than "person I love and have a serious relationship with".) But I emphatically don't think that a veto-level amount of control is required in order for something to be considered poly.

I'm worried if something goes wrong I'll be torn between them, and for the first time ever, I feel slightly jealous.
Has this ever happened to anyone else? How did it make you feel and how did it pan out?

My philosophical disagreement with Kevin aside, I agree that if you're feeling like a relationship between the two of them is too messy, it's definitely something you should discuss with her, as in my opinion that's emotionally not terribly different than trying to turn a "V" into a "triad". I haven't had the "friend" problem, but I have had crushes and relationships with my metamours which... that got ugly enough that I *mostly* avoid such things now. Mostly. (haha!) Your instinct that that can lead to a lot of jealousy and mixed feelings is entirely valid - I'm not saying that's it's an absolutely bad idea, but it is definitely something to be careful with..

 

[AlwaysGrowing]

Hello exabement,

Some people have a "messy list," it goes like this: something like, "Do not date coworkers, relatives, friends, etc., people with whom things could get messy if things turn south. There's plenty of people to date in this world without going for the messy ones." You should tell your girlfriend that you have a messy list, and that your best friend is on that list. It's nothing personal, it's just that you feel uncomfortable with her dating someone so close to you. You do not consent to her dating that one. In poly, you have to have your partner's consent, so, since your girlfriend does not have your consent, she will have to forgo dating your friend. She can crush on your friend all she wants, and can enjoy that feeling, she just can't tell your friend that that's how she feels.

Hopefully that makes sense and helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

I came here looking for someone mentioning the messy list.

I love messy lists. They are EXTREMELY helpful. That said... She could choose to ignore your comfort and do what she wants (especially since you hadn't made a messy list before she admitted feelings). It's reasonable to tell friend that you are uncomfortable with the idea of them dating and why. Ideally they would respect you enough to decide to crush on each other without acting (assuming it's reciprocal - if it's just your wife crushing, it doesn't really matter right now). If they don't respect you in this... Well then they don't respect you, and you will need to decide if you want to continue such intimate relationship/friendship with someone like that.

 

[Magdlyn]

This is a tricky one for you and your gf. Let's give them nicknames. Carol and Rick. If Carol and Rick spend a lot of time together, since he's your friend, and he shares some of the qualities you have, as her bf, as he probably does, it's only natural for Carol to like him a lot. And when there's like, and the right gender, and much time spent together, crushes or even romantic love can happen.

If y'all were mono, Carol would probably try to hide the crush, and probably experience guilt and shame. Since y'all are poly, she can admit to you she's crushing, and still try not to overtly act on the crush (getting physical/sexual, and/or going on one on one "dates"). It's not easy though. Depending on the severity of the crush, it can be quite difficult.

I once crushed on a neighbor who was a friend of both my (ex) husband and me. I think I'd call it love. I never really got over it. He will always have a special place in my heart. He figured large in my sexual masturbation fantasies for a long long time, to be quite honest. But I'm a very sexual person.