Help

[jcatx]

Okay... I have been married for almost 3 years. I have always been monogamous, but something has always felt missing for me. This is my second marriage.

I have kind of fallen for one of my husband's good friends. Being the type of person who cannot keep secrets, and can't stand lying, I told my husband about my feelings. After talking for a while about polyamory, he gave me permission to talk to his friend.

Well, it has been really rocky. His friend lives a couple hours away, so we have yet to have a 'date,' and I'm not sure if it will ever get to that. My husband is on and off about his feelings with the whole thing, but he always ends up giving me permission to keep talking to him. I am starting to develop feelings for him, but have decided to break things off a few times because it just seems so complicated. My husband got really angry one day and was completely against it, then the next day he changed his mind and called his friend and told him it was ok with him that we talk. I am unsure of what to do. I am really crazy about this friend, but I love my husband dearly. We have a two-year old and we get along well.

Would you feel it's ok to continue, or should I cut things off and try to stop thinking about this other person?

 

[Derbylicious]

Take things slowly. This probably isn't something that your husband ever expected to happen. It's likely going to take some time. It sounds like you'll be moving two steps forward and one step back while your husband figures out how he feels about things. It sounds to me that your husband wants you to be happy. Touch base with him daily and ask him how he's feeling. Let him know how you feel too. Work on things as they come up, one issue at a time, and know that likely just talking about any given issue once won't solve it. This isn't an easy path to take, and anyone who tells you otherwise is full of baloney!

 

[redpepper]

What Derby said is very valid. I would also suggest that your hubby write on here. There are a lot of people who could empathize and offer support. You could both read and see that you are not alone, that others have been through similar situations and made it work, or not.

 

[jcatx]

Thank you so much. That sounds like some good advice. He does really want me to be happy, but I want him to be happy too. It's strange to me that he has never wanted anyone else except me, when I thought it was normal to find other people attractive, and always wondered how other relationships would be-- without losing what we have.

I also feel a lot of times that something is wrong with me for being like this. How do you get over that?

 

[Derbylicious]

He does really want me to be happy, but I want him to be happy too. It's strange to me that he has never wanted anyone else except me, when I thought it was normal to find other people attractive, and always wondered how other relationships would be-- without losing what we have.

I also feel a lot of times that something is wrong with me for being like this. How do you get over that?

If you want each other to be happy that's a really good place to start. How you get over feeling like there's something wrong with you is to keep talking about it and finding other people who feel the same way that you do, and that it isn't just you.

 

[redpepper]

There is nothing wrong with you. You are just unique, like the rest of us. We were all taught that we were not normal if we didn't follow what is supposed to be normal. It's just what you have been taught. Over time, it becomes your own normal and others seem wrong. Sometimes people sway so far over to the other side of what society thinks is normal and judge that they are the ones that are right. It/s important, I think, to realize that we are all unique, yet all different, and have a right to create in our lives what works for us.

 

[jcatx]

There is nothing wrong with you. You are just unique, like the rest of us. We were all taught that we are not normal if we don't follow what is supposed to be normal. Its just what you have been taught. Over time, it becomes your own normal and others seem wrong. Sometimes people sway so far over to the other side of what society thinks is normal, and they judge that they are the ones that are right. It's important to realize that we are all unique, and have a right to create in our lives what works for us.

That makes me feel a lot better, not like such a freak.

How do you keep from feeling guilty when you know the other person is monogamous, though? Knowing that the way you are hurts the other person? I have tried to interest him in maybe seeing or dating another person, but he is very introverted. I am too, but much more than me. He has chatted some with a few other girls, but I think he's doing it to please me more so than he is interested. I have concluded he is just not into anyone else at all.

 

[MonoVCPHG]

Knowing that the way you are hurts the other person?

Regardless of whether you are monoamorous or polyamorous, it's not who we are that might hurt our partners, it's what we do. If we find out that we can't do the things we need and want to do without hurting our partners, then there is probably no healthy partnership to begin with.

There might be limits to what you will be able to achieve, because of your different natures, but you should always be able to achieve a state of happiness for both.