I don't know what I did wrong

L

Lukeilton

New member
So I tried posting this to reddit but it not getting much attention so I am hoping y'all could help me with this issue. This is a long post and I do apologize but a lot has happened in the last 3 days, I hope y'all can help me understand this better.

This is going to be a long post so forgive the long story, I already posted two post on r/anger and r/anxiety to get support so I'm going to copy and paste the post and continue on from there.

"Hi so this is my first time posting on here so I'm hoping y'all could help me. There are aspects about me that I'm sensitive about, I'm not great with budgeting and that's something that triggers me and gets me angry. I also have horrible memory to the point where I have a hard time knowing what I said and did. I like to think I can ground myself with reality and I can determine what happened really happened, but I can't and it's something I'm very ashamed of because it makes me feel like I'm going insane. I yelled at my partner and my dear friend because they were trying to tell me a simple reality that I stubbornly wouldn't accept and I thought I was being attack even though they would never attack me and are just trying to help. I even yelled at my brother's and parents before because I felt like I was being attack even though they would never truly attack me."

"I think a lot of my anger comes from multiple things in my life that have happened, I use to be best friends with a incel who hated life and people. We were both angry people and our relationship was built off that anger. After 14 years I decided to cut him out of my life when I realized our relationship was incredibly unhealthy and I have no regrets doing that, when growing up I held in my negative emotions towards my family and friends because I saw having negative emotions as being unnecessary and I should only have good vibes only, I was friends with many people in highschool, I was popular but when graduation came and I decided to be more honest with myself and came out as gay to my friends but after they found out that I was gay and had issues of my own my "friends" unfriended me cause they didn't want to associate with me anymore. There were only less then a handful of friends that actually accepted me for who I am positive and negative. I was very grateful for that but I also felt so betrayed because not only did I thought we were friends, but I also helped them through really rough issues and was their for them when they were at thier worst. This isn't really anything to special cause so many are going through the same thing but I lost my job that I loved due to covid-19 and I never got unemployment even when I provided proof and did weekly certifications for literally months. October came around and I was out of money but I was able to land a job. But now I and my whole team of 45 members were let go due to the company being bought out and then they let go many teams to cut cost. I'm trying to find a new job but it's frustrating cause I can't comfortablely get a job outside of home cause of the pandemic so I'm working from home but I don't want to work from home I want to work with dogs again, but until things get safe again I can't risk it and my old job before covid said they would bring me back when business comes back up and it's safe. I also JUST got health insurance and in less then a week I lose my job and now I have no insurance and I have meds I take to function. But my meds with out insurance is so damn expensive, it's almost over 300 dollars. I'm angry I can't see my friends and family because of the virus, I use to do D&D on a weekly basis and it was awesome! But when the virus got bad we couldn't risk hanging out. We tried doing it online, but personally I couldn't do it, it just doesn't feel as personal and interactive as if we were doing it in person. Not only that but the majority of my week was just sitting in front of my computer doing the same thing 9 hours a day with two days off. I didn't want to use 1 of my 2 days off just sitting in front of the computer hours on end."

"There are other aspects that fuel my anger that happened in my past. But it's really detailed and personal so to just sum it up, I was sexually molested multiple times through my childhood. I was also cheated on multiple times through my relationships. I can't afford my therapist any more so I don't have that support. My partner told me I should try going on the anger sub reddit to get support and to just list down where my anger comes from and see if you can get people that can relate to my issues, I'm really hoping y'all can help because I don't want to be a angry person but once I get angry and since I don't want to hold them in anymore it just takes control. I would love to know y'all's thoughts so I can move forward and improve. If you want you can DM me if you want."


"This was my original post on r/anger. I wanted to see if they could be of help but unfortunately they haven't helped. Like the original post said, I lost my job due to being let go suddenly because of a company change and budget cuts. It's been two day and I'm so anxious, I have applied to 62 jobs in the last two days and I'm still applying now as we speak. I lost my health insurance due to this and my meds are 446 dollars (I know I said 300 in the original but I wasn't 100% sure how much all of them were together without insurance) and I need these meds to function. I finally created my own family, I have a amazing SO, a amazing friend, great pets but if I don't find a job or get unemployment by April I'm afraid I'll have to move back home. I love my blood family but so many traumatic things happened to me in the house and I don't ever want to live there again, but I honestly don't know what to do. I know I have time, but I got VERY lucky getting this job cause I was looking for work while trying to file for unemployment and I never got unemployment and I never got any response from the other jobs when I was looking for work. A recruiter found me by chance and I'm afraid no matter how much I try I won't be able to get another job in time. Normally I would just get a normal job, but I can't risk putting myself in danger from the virus when both my SO and dear friend are doing the same thing. I'm so anxious I can't really eat, I'm tired and scared and I don't know what to do."
 
So this is day three and my SO decided to kick me out of the apartment because they feel that because I yelled at them that they felt hurt and betrayed, even though I apologised, made a apologise letter and was giving them space. I didn't argue but we did talk a little. They keep telling me that on a monthly basis I need to barrow money because I am not good with money and can't make necessary payments like rent and bills. Normally if this was the case I would understand. But I honestly think I have been doing great with getting better with my financial situation. I was one thousand dollars in debt a few months ago but now I only am at 250, I have been able to pay for rent and bills on time. There were times they both would buy me food or cover a payment like a product or weed and I would pay them back in just a couple days. I could understand if it took me weeks to pay them back but thats not the case. When I would ask for some examples to help me understand what I was doing wrong and where to improve, they would only come up with one example and then say that they can't name exact times but it has happened. The original fight honestly was really stupid to. We went out to get some weed, and getting there is a 15-20 minute drive and I was ten dollars short. Now I'll admit I should of checked my money before we went, but when we got home my friend said "I do realize SO had to spend all their money on my part tonight" I didn't even know SO did that nor did I ask them to and I simply said I think next time we should all look at our money before going out to get weed. And then my friend acted like I just insulted their mother or something and I even tried rebuttal myself to clarify that I wasn't blaming any of them and I have been paying them back on a quick basis and I literally get paid the next day so I was confused where all this anger was coming from. I got upset because my friend was making what I said in a calm collected voice that I was being aggressive/passive aggressive and was blaming them, when that was not what I acted like. There were small things that happened over time that I should of noticed red flags.

The first red flag was for the first 3 years we were living together, there were no issues, no fights and I honestly thought the relationship was going well. But then my friend was moving to NC and was wondering if she could live with us since she was also my partners partner. Now I never met this girl and only heard about her here and there. So I was a little nervous about bringing someone who was important to my partner that I never met in a two person apartment. I wanted to make a good impression but when she moved in every single fight was instigated by her. I would even cry and stress that Alissa didn't like me when I was trying my best to be her friend and over time she said we were but I'm honestly have been having doubts lately. The first fight was something that we both remember differently. I remember when we were hanging out I said that I thought nipples were weird, like I know it's a weird thought but I just think they look weird on both men and women, I think it'd look more natural if they weren't there. She says I said I nipples on breast were weird. I honestly don't remember saying that at all and she got upset and left suddenly and then I was told that I apparently made her feel like I was judging her or something and that I need to apologise. I didn't think I needed to but I did anyway cause I just wanted our relationship to improve.

The second red flag was me, my SO and my friend were talking about, planning, and we're making preparations about getting a rv truck and living in it while traveling the country. But one day I went for a walk to call mom to tell her our plans, I was excited to tell her too, but then Aaron called right before and told me to come home and that we need to talk. I asked about what and they avoided telling me. So naturally I thought something was really wrong so I ran all the way home to just be sat down and was told that they both decided without even talking to me about it that they would go on the trip with out me and I could do what ever I want. If you want to read the whole story I provided a link.
https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/hvyikb

The 3rd red flag was a couple months ago my SO told me to stop publicly showing affection to them, that means hugs, kissing, holding hands, snuggling. Nothing extreme like making out or sex and it was not to be in front of Alissa. They said they wanted to just have me to them self in private and I agreed reluctantly. And when ever I wanted to just show love they would take me in blind spots so Alissa couldn't see. But I would walk out of my room seeing them snuggling, or kissing and hugging and they even sleep in the same room together and have been since the beginning.

The 4th red flag is I have a hard time expressing myself because I have dyslexia, a lot of people think that means that I just see words backwards, but my dyslexia is I get meanings of words mixed up all the time and my SO knows this from the very beginning. They pride them selves that they want to work with people with special needs, even possibly in law but I have been trying to understand my negative feelings and it's something new to me, I don't have a grasp on it and I take a little longer to learn things then the average person, my therapist in the past even told me to start exploring these feelings and not to hold them in. So when I feel like saying something that goes out of the norm of the conversation, desion or subject I'm seen as being difficult, argumentive and stubborn. Now I am a stubborn person so I just figured I was and I would apologise and shut up and never bring it up cause it seems like I can't say what I want to say without offending Alissa.

The 5th red flag is my SO admitted to lying about what I said and my friend would say to please both of us, but it just put us against each other more. They were lying to us for literally years the only excuse they could give was that they have this idea that our family needs to feel complete and happy and no conflicts that they want to build this perfect relationship so they would lie about what I would say about particular issues and vise versa with my friend.

I know this is my side of the story and there are 3 sides of the story but this isn't the first time I felt like I was being tossed to the side and even though I love my SO I can't help but feel I deserve better then this. I'm currently at my folks place and I don't want to be in this damn house. I love my family so much, my mom, dad and my brothers and dogs but I was molested in this house multiple times and had a lot of bad memories in my room. I even considered my room as my cage. I don't know what I did wrong and I am just waiting for my SO to contact me, they didn't say when they would need, maybe a few days but no set date. I can't bring my cat home, a animal I took care of as a baby, she was found in a bag in a dumpster with her siblings. They all died except her and her sister, I took care of her infection, I fed her, paid her medical bills and shots and watched her grow. But my family is allergic and they said they would take my cat and that I could come over sometimes to help take care of her. I can't help but feel like I was just divorced and I tried to improve and thought I was, I even looked through my bank history and the only times I had issues with money was when first lived together I was working a job that paid 8.50 a hour and it was a 45 minute drive to there and I wasn't making much money. Now that was a issue and I should of gotten a better job, a closer job or ask for a raise I will completely admit I messed up and Aaron had to pay my portion of rent. I was able to pay them back about a year later but Alissa still holds that against me cause during arguments she would bring it up multiple times even though that happened once and I paid my SO back. Then the virus happened and then I lost my jobs that paid 11.50 and 11.25 (I had two jobs) and I suddenly had to get new work and I got a stay at home job that paid 9 dollars a hour and I was making shit money, so there was a little delay in how quick I usually pay them both back, but only by at most a week extra instead of a few days. Then I got a better job and was making 13.50 a hour and around the holidays I spent a little to much. I was 50 dollars short of rent and I admitted that that was my bad, this was my first Christmas where I was making good money and I could afford to get multiple gifts. I wanted to get my SO and my friend a bunch of gifts that I have wanted to get them a while. But other then those times that was it. Yes I messed up but my SO is making it out like it's every month and so is my friend/partners partner.

I'm not expecting y'all to give me a definite answer cause at the end of the day we are at a cross roads where I have to decide if this relationship is worth it. I'm tired of feeling like a 3rd wheel, I'm tired of feeling like I can't express myself or explore my feelings for the first time, I'm tired of feeling like no matter how much progress I have made it's never enough. This is something I need to decide but since this is my first REAL relationship and also my first polyamory relationship and I'm sure there are a bunch of y'all with LOTS of experience so maybe you can give me some advice.

Again I'm sorry for the long read but as you can see, this has been a long issue. I look forward to hearing from yall.
 
That is a LOT of material. I hope you feel better airing some of that out. Let me repeat the main points that stick out to me in my own words to make sure I get it how you mean it.

Blue just to visually block it off.

PEOPLE

  • You are in your first serious relationship which is also your first polyship with Aaron (the hinge) and Alissa (your friend who is also dating Aaron)
  • Alissa recently moved into the flat all three were living in. The lease is up in April.

BACKGROUND

  • In the past, you were sexually molested.
  • You have a history of struggling with anger and anxiety.
  • You have dyslexia.
  • You struggle with making a personal budget.
  • You struggle with memory and knowing what you said and did
  • You like to think you can ground yourself in reality and can determine what really happened, but sometimes feel ashamed you can't.
  • You struggle with receiving feedback from others on these things
  • These things are triggering for you
  • COVID means you lost your job and while you have taken a temp job, you do not love working from home on the computer all the time and you don't have health insurance
  • This means you don't have your meds you need right now
  • You also don't have your social friends D&D group during COVID like before since it is not safe to meet in person.
  • You don't like doing D&D online
  • Some of these stressors play into current problems.
RECENT PAST
  • Aaron asked you to stop PDA with him where Alyssa can see in the flat.
  • But you have to witness their PDA all around the flat.
  • Your therapist wants you to work on emotional expression, but at home in the flat? You can't express yourself without it offending Alyssa somehow or Aaron doing _____.
  • Like you have to do all these Alissa accommodations. But nobody makes accommodations for you.
  • At times either Aaron or Alissa have loaned you money for bills and things. You pay them back as soon as you can. Both of them bring up past debts that have been cleared up already during arguments to hold it against you.

CURRENT PROBLEM
  • All three had planned to get an RV and live the nomadic lifestyle. You were excited about it.
  • Without telling you, Aaron and Alyssa decided they were going to do it by themselves because trimming it down to a 2 people RV for them gives them more options than finding a 3 people one.
  • You are expected to petsit for Aaron's cat while they take off.
  • You told them you felt betrayed because they made a major decision without you and they didn't even consider that you should be part of the conversation.
  • They apologized, but aren't changing the plan. They still are going without you.
  • The lease ends in April for the flat you all share. You don't want to live alone there while they are off.
  • You work a lot of hours and don't have the money, time, or energy to figure out how to get a vehicle of your own or new place of your own. You would like to leave the state.
  • At this time, you moved back with family of origin for now for a few days waiting to hear back from Aaron.
  • While you love the family, you don't love being in the house were you were molested. And you miss your cat.

EXTRA LAYER OF PROBLEMS

In all this mess, it came out Aaron had been lying to both you and Alyssa for YEARS. Basically doing triangulation stuff where Aaron tells Alyssa you said A, when really you said B. And then tells Alyssa you said C when really you said D. Aaron thinks the "perfect family" would never have any conflict so was basically lying to tell people what he thought they wanted to hear.
  • You and Alyssa lost trust in Aaron.
  • You do believe Aaron loves you both.
  • You do believe Aaron will try to change his behavior moving forward.
  • So all are trying to forgive and move forward in a better way.

BOTTOM LINE
  • You don't know if all this is still worth it.
    • You often feel "tossed to the side" and not really considered in this V
    • You love Aaron, but can't help but feel you deserve better treatment then this.
    • For you "moving forward" might mean ending this relationship.
If this is the case? Then I'm sorry so much has happened to you.

I think if you are leaning toward being done here? That's probably the right call to make. Give it a few days and if you don't hear from Aaron? Could contact Aaron and tell them you are ending things.

If this relationship is no longer worth the bother? And you aren't even considered in it? You can bow out. Stop participating here. You don't have to wait for it to finish circling the drain.

Take some time to heal, get back on your feet with work and a new place to live. Then move on to poly date more considerate and more compatible people. People who want you to be honest, authentic, and express yourself fully. Not want you go around with things bottled up inside because they don't know how to listen or they don't know how to do healthy conflict resolution. Maybe you want to date and be with people willing to learn those skills together with you.

My father has a lot of anger stuff, and some of it is due to anosognosia. Anosognosia is a condition that makes it hard for the patient to perceive things accurately. I'm not saying you have it, but you might mention it to your doctor/therapist when you next get the chance. Having health conditions doesn't make you a bad person. But if you have health things, you might want your dating partners to know what they are. Like a diabetic would want their partner to know what to do if a blood sugar thing happens. Or a panic/anxiety person would want their partner to know what to do if a panic attack happens. YKWIM?

I hope things get better for you in time.

Galagirl
 
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PS (My edit window ran out of time... I wanted to add this...)

Having health conditions doesn't make you a bad person. But if you have health things, you might want your dating partners to know what they are. Like a diabetic would want their partner to know what to do if a blood sugar thing happens. Or a panic/anxiety person would want their partner to know what to do if a panic attack happens. YKWIM?

I don't get the vibe that Aaron or Alissa make space for your health things, your COVID job loss, and you trying your best.

Just with Aaron lying to you for YEARS? That's reason enough to leave without all the other inconsiderateness added to the list. You have dignity, worth and value. You don't have to put up with shenanigans.

You could raise your personal standards and decide that in future relationships? You get out after 1 red flag. Not stick around for 4 or 5 more.

Sometimes some people act out and pick fights just to make the OTHER person be the "breaker upper" so THEY don't have to be the one to it. They don't want to be the "bad guy" so they make things so weird the other person gets fed up and takes off.

Is that happening here?

If so? You don't have to stay if you want better relating than this.

Galagirl
 
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GalaGirl said:
PS (My edit window ran out of time... I wanted to add this...)

Having health conditions doesn't make you a bad person. But if you have health things, you might want your dating partners to know what they are. Like a diabetic would want their partner to know what to do if a blood sugar thing happens. Or a panic/anxiety person would want their partner to know what to do if a panic attack happens. YKWIM?

I don't get the vibe that Aaron or Alissa make space for your health things, your COVID job loss, and you trying your best.

Just with Aaron lying to you for YEARS? That's reason enough to leave without all the other inconsiderateness added to the list. You have dignity, worth and value. You don't have to put up with shenanigans.

You could raise your personal standards and decide that in future relationships? You get out after 1 red flag. Not stick around for 4 or 5 more.

Sometimes some people act out and pick fights just to make the OTHER person be the "breaker upper" so THEY don't have to be the one to it. They don't want to be the "bad guy" so they make things so weird the other person gets fed up and takes off.

Is that happening here?

If so? You don't have to stay if you want better relating than this.

Galagirl
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Thank you so much for replying, honestly I'm in shock and I feel my heart breaking and I want to cry but I just can't. This is someone who I wanted to spend my life with but I just feel like at this point my SO needs to make a choice and that's either my SO chooses me or Alissa. I don't want to be that guy, I don't want to make my SO make such a hard choice cause I know they love Alissa but honestly I feel like this is just abuse at this point and I just can't see things get better as long as my partner partner is still around. I honestly am convinced at this point that Alissa has been trying to make this polyamory relationship into a monogamous relationship. There is nothing wrong with monogamous relationships but this is a poly relationship, I knew Aaron would have other relationships and has had past relationships but it's just been conflict after conflict and if my SO can't make this decision, then I will make it for them and end the relationship. I'll give them time I don't expect my SO will be able to choose off the bat, I'm even expecting that I won't be chosen and my SO will choose Alissa, I wanted to make things work, I tried so damn hard and tried being the perfect boyfriend, the perfect friend, I was supportive, I was loving, I listened, I was patient, I tried improving, I looked into resources, communites online, therapy, forums and I even forgave all the shit that I went through so it can move on and we can thrive as a family. They say the common denominator of the issues is me, but I honestly think the issue is both my SO, love them I may, they have no back bone, they just role over when Alissa would get argumentive and Alissa cause I generally believe she just wants a monogamous relationship or just to be the top dog. If my SO chooses Alissa then fine, they made thier choice and I if that's the case I hope they are happy but I felt like I was kicked to the curb when I have been trying my best to be a good boyfriend. I even remembered that when the new year began I asked if everything was ok, to generally check on them to see if I needed to improve and my SO said "everything is fine" and now that is one time I yelled at them,
(note I did not insult them, call them names, I did with Alissa but that's because I feel like she sets me up as this horrible person when ever conflict happens)
I'm obviously a horrible hurtful boyfriend that deserves to be kicked out of the apartment not knowing where I'd go for a good while. The only other time I yelled at them was they invited me into the very first apartment we lived in during the time we were transitioning to the new apartment and said I was being manipulative and they were afraid this relationship wasn't going to work. I just got back from a hard day of work and was told I was being manipulative and that I was going to lose someone I truly love. I was upset, heartbroken and I yelled, not out of anger but pure pain and heartache. I'm still admittingly coming up with what I'll do when we meet up again and I am leaning to just ending things if Aaron can't choose. I feel Aaron is being childish for having a high expectation to make a perfect family that if we argue or disagree it's Aarons failure. No matter the relationship there will always be fights or disagreements but the point of a good family is to try to move forward with the issue and talk about it. Not tuck your tail in and run away and not talk and then kick the person out after literally two days after the argument. Anyway I really do appreciate the advice you clearly read the whole post and you were spot on with the blue comments.
 
GalaGirl said:
EXTRA LAYER OF PROBLEMS

In all this mess, it came out Aaron had been lying to both you and Alyssa for YEARS. Basically doing triangulation stuff where Aaron tells Alyssa you said A, when really you said B. And then tells Alyssa you said C when really you said D. Aaron thinks the "perfect family" would never have any conflict so was basically lying to tell people what he thought they wanted to hear.
  • You and Alyssa lost trust in Aaron.
  • You do believe Aaron loves you both.
  • You do believe Aaron will try to change his behavior moving forward.
  • So all are trying to forgive and move forward in a better way.
Click to expand...
@GalaGirl Great break down as usual to help catch things I sometimes miss in posts.

@Lukeilton This is the part that really caught my attention. Triangulation in a family dynamic is about control and sometimes is a repetition of the abuse cycle. You did state you were abused. When you are in that relationship it is hard to see it and usually stems from a family history of it. It's more subtle than outright abuse but repeats a lot of the same cycle points. I also have personal experience with this so know it is hard to break it.

Lukeilton said:
I'm obviously a horrible hurtful boyfriend that deserves to be kicked out of the apartment not knowing where I'd go for a good while. T
Click to expand...
This too is a part of the abuse cycle and could be other things. It is okay to just be sad without judging yourself. Judging yourself in these harsh tones can also be part of the abuse cycle you might have internalized.
Lukeilton said:
but honestly I feel like this is just abuse at this point and I just can't see things get better as long as my partner partner is still around
Click to expand...
This goes back to my earlier point. While it may not be out right obvious abuse, it still fills that cycle and is hard to break.

Really working with your therapist is going to be one of your best bets here. Learning how to break the cycle(s) is a long journey and won't happen overnight. Baby steps is one thing that might help which could just be giving yourself a little hug and saying you are worth love.
 
tdh said:
@GalaGirl Great break down as usual to help catch things I sometimes miss in posts.

@Lukeilton This is the part that really caught my attention. Triangulation in a family dynamic is about control and sometimes is a repetition of the abuse cycle. You did state you were abused. When you are in that relationship it is hard to see it and usually stems from a family history of it. It's more subtle than outright abuse but repeats a lot of the same cycle points. I also have personal experience with this so know it is hard to break it.


This too is a part of the abuse cycle and could be other things. It is okay to just be sad without judging yourself. Judging yourself in these harsh tones can also be part of the abuse cycle you might have internalized.

This goes back to my earlier point. While it may not be out right obvious abuse, it still fills that cycle and is hard to break.

Really working with your therapist is going to be one of your best bets here. Learning how to break the cycle(s) is a long journey and won't happen overnight. Baby steps is one thing that might help which could just be giving yourself a little hug and saying you are worth love.
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I do apologize but I'm a little confused on your advice, could you elaborate? Could you explain triangulation? Also I was abused in the past by other people but when you mean it stems from family, do you mean like my blood family or my family (my SO and Alissa)?

Also everyone is different and I'm mainly asking cause it might help me understand better and know what to look for, but how did you deal with the cycle? Not trying to pry and if it's personal or private you don't have to tell me.

I want to go back to a therapist but I don't have health insurance and I don't have a job anymore, I was looking for work like crazy the past two days. I literally applied to 70 jobs in the last two days after hours and hours of looking through many job websites. But now I'm unsure what my set up will be, I don't even know if I'm going to come back to the apartment. I was kicked out and Aaron didn't have the legal right or moral right to do that, but I knew tensions were high and if I stayed it would just cause more issues so I left, I didn't want to but I honestly had no choice. But when ever we get in touch things will get resolved and I can focus on getting things in order again for my meds and therapist.
 
honestly I feel like this is just abuse at this point and I just can't see things get better as long as my partner partner is still around.
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Then stop participating. You could walk away and focus your own health and well being.

Maybe Aaron wakes up and maybe Aaron doesn't. His well being is his job.

But YOUR well being? That is your job. You could do what you have to do so YOU can be free of abusive things.

I don't know if this helps you any.

This is the cycle of abuse.

en.wikipedia.org

Cycle of abuse - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org en.wikipedia.org

This is the cycle of abuse OVER TIME. Like the spins on the merry-go-round happen faster than the blow ups become bigger and bigger.


This is the power and control wheels and then the healthy relating wheel.

Power and Control – YWCA Spokane

ywcaspokane.org ywcaspokane.org

I think nobody deserves abuse. I think everyone deserves to be treated well.

They say the common denominator of the issues is me, but I honestly think the issue is both my SO, love them I may, they have no back bone, they just role over when Alissa would get argumentive
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Then Aaron has no back bone. It is what it is. Shenanigans is all you get here. You could decide you are not up for shenigans. You could decide you like a more stable home life where you aren't gonna be kicked out at the drop of a hat over some small argument. You could change your "staying-ness." And walk away.

Him being a chronic liar for years and having no backbone? That might make you lose respect for Aaron or lose love for Aaron over time.

It's hard to come to terms when you love someone and you realize that they do less than loving behaviors toward you. There's going to be a period of grief. And yes, the love you used to have? It will fade over time.

I generally believe she just wants a monogamous relationship or just to be the top dog. If my SO chooses Alissa then fine, they made thier choice and I if that's the case I hope they are happy but I felt like I was kicked to the curb when I have been trying my best to be a good boyfriend.
Click to expand...

It's ok to grieve the loss. It's ok to be sad that this did not end up the way you hoped for. But having seen how it is here and believing it abuse that won't get better? It's NOT ok to keep you in it.

Even when you love someone? You have to be able to say "I love you a whole lot. But not even for you will I do stuff or stay in stuff that hurts me."

Because you have to love you too.

I'm obviously a horrible hurtful boyfriend that deserves to be kicked out of the apartment not knowing where I'd go for a good while.
Click to expand...

Haven't you had enough abuse in the past? And then in this situation?

Why do you have to be your own self bully and add to the pile?

I think you could be kinder to yourself. In stead of saying to yourself in your head "I'm horrible, I deserve to be kicked out" you could change your mind. Could start saying "I deserve better treatment than this. I deserve kindness."

I don't know who abused you in the past and I don't know when you will make it back to a therapist. I hope you do. And I hope the therapist can help you listen for YOUR deep inner voice and not be listening to "leftover record player" voices from the past abusers. It can take a long time to heal from past abuse.

I'm still admittingly coming up with what I'll do when we meet up again and I am leaning to just ending things if Aaron can't choose. I feel Aaron is being childish for having a high expectation to make a perfect family that if we argue or disagree it's Aarons failure. No matter the relationship there will always be fights or disagreements but the point of a good family is to try to move forward with the issue and talk about it.
Click to expand...

I think YOU could just choose. Not leave it up to Aaron. You don't even have to meet up again really -- other than getting your stuff out of the flat. Remove your name from lease if it is on there. Or just let the lease run out.

I do not know why Aaron has the unrealistic "perfect family never argues" thing going on but you know what? That's HIS baggage and HIS problem to solve.

You have enough on our own plate without taking other people stuff on board too.

I want to go back to a therapist but I don't have health insurance and I don't have a job anymore
Click to expand...

A friend of mine without a job or insurance would go to Al- Anon and now online Al-Anon to get to have something akin to group therapy for free.

Another would check in with the local collages --- because the psych students would do free counseling hours for the practice.

Check your local resources. It may not be the IDEAL like having health insurance and getting back to your regular therapist, but maybe it helps patch the gaps?

I wanted to make things work, I tried so damn hard and tried being the perfect boyfriend, the perfect friend, I was supportive, I was loving, I listened, I was patient, I tried improving, I looked into resources, communites online, therapy, forums and I even forgave all the shit that I went through so it can move on and we can thrive as a family.
Click to expand...

In future? You know that YOU cannot do all the work to sustain a relationship. In a three people thing? You giving 100% of your effort to hold up that leg of the stool? Means nothing if the other people aren't holding up their legs of the stool. You could hold your leg up A LOT with super human 200% effort, but all that happens is you burning out, one leg held up REALLY GOOD and... two other stool legs flopped over. Still not a solid stool to sit on.

In future? You know it is ok NOT to forgive shit. It's better to walk away from shit than just sweep it under the rug to "keep the peace" or whatever. It's not real peace. It's just backlog shit piling up under the rug. Usually sooner or later it comes tumbling back out.

I am sorry this happened and I do hope things get better for you.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
GalaGirl said:
Then stop participating. You could walk away and focus your own health and well being.

Maybe Aaron wakes up and maybe Aaron doesn't. His well being is his job.

But YOUR well being? That is your job. You could do what you have to do so YOU can be free of abusive things.

I don't know if this helps you any.

This is the cycle of abuse.

en.wikipedia.org

Cycle of abuse - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org en.wikipedia.org

This is the cycle of abuse OVER TIME. Like the spins on the merry-go-round happen faster than the blow ups become bigger and bigger.


This is the power and control wheels and then the healthy relating wheel.

Power and Control – YWCA Spokane

ywcaspokane.org ywcaspokane.org

I think nobody deserves abuse. I think everyone deserves to be treated well.



Then Aaron has no back bone. It is what it is. Shenanigans is all you get here. You could decide you are not up for shenigans. You could decide you like a more stable home life where you aren't gonna be kicked out at the drop of a hat over some small argument. You could change your "staying-ness." And walk away.

Him being a chronic liar for years and having no backbone? That might make you lose respect for Aaron or lose love for Aaron over time.

It's hard to come to terms when you love someone and you realize that they do less than loving behaviors toward you. There's going to be a period of grief. And yes, the love you used to have? It will fade over time.



It's ok to grieve the loss. It's ok to be sad that this did not end up the way you hoped for. But having seen how it is here and believing it abuse that won't get better? It's NOT ok to keep you in it.

Even when you love someone? You have to be able to say "I love you a whole lot. But not even for you will I do stuff or stay in stuff that hurts me."

Because you have to love you too.



Haven't you had enough abuse in the past? And then in this situation?

Why do you have to be your own self bully and add to the pile?

I think you could be kinder to yourself. In stead of saying to yourself in your head "I'm horrible, I deserve to be kicked out" you could change your mind. Could start saying "I deserve better treatment than this. I deserve kindness."

I don't know who abused you in the past and I don't know when you will make it back to a therapist. I hope you do. And I hope the therapist can help you listen for YOUR deep inner voice and not be listening to "leftover record player" voices from the past abusers. It can take a long time to heal from past abuse.



I think YOU could just choose. Not leave it up to Aaron. You don't even have to meet up again really -- other than getting your stuff out of the flat. Remove your name from lease if it is on there. Or just let the lease run out.

I do not know why Aaron has the unrealistic "perfect family never argues" thing going on but you know what? That's HIS baggage and HIS problem to solve.

You have enough on our own plate without taking other people stuff on board too.



A friend of mine without a job or insurance would go to Al- Anon and now online Al-Anon to get to have something akin to group therapy for free.

Another would check in with the local collages --- because the psych students would do free counseling hours for the practice.

Check your local resources. It may not be the IDEAL like having health insurance and getting back to your regular therapist, but maybe it helps patch the gaps?



In future? You know that YOU cannot do all the work to sustain a relationship. In a three people thing? You giving 100% of your effort to hold up that leg of the stool? Means nothing if the other people aren't holding up their legs of the stool. You could hold your leg up A LOT with super human 200% effort, but all that happens is you burning out, one leg held up REALLY GOOD and... two other stool legs flopped over. Still not a solid stool to sit on.

In future? You know it is ok NOT to forgive shit. It's better to walk away from shit than just sweep it under the rug to "keep the peace" or whatever. It's not real peace. It's just backlog shit piling up under the rug. Usually sooner or later it comes tumbling back out.

I am sorry this happened and I do hope things get better for you.

Galagirl
Click to expand...
"Then stop participating. You could walk away and focus your own health and well being.
Maybe Aaron wakes up and maybe Aaron doesn't. His well being is his job.
But YOUR well being? That is your job. You could do what you have to do so YOU can be free of abusive things.
I don't know if this helps you any.
his is the cycle of abuse."

Those articles were honestly a amazing read, a lot of it made sense and was very similar to how are relationship has been for the past couple years. I never knew about these cycles or even heard of them so thank you very much for those sources.

"Him being a chronic liar for years and having no backbone? That might make you lose respect for Aaron or lose love for Aaron over time."

You hit the nail in the coffin there. I have honestly been losing respect from Aaron after all this issues but the two main things that made me lose respect and even hope that this relationship will work is when both Aaron and Alissa decided without me that they would leave me behind with the RV thing and when Aaron admitted after getting caught in all the web of lies over YEARS it just makes me not really trust Aaron. Like it really hurts to say this but I feel like if we were in a dangerous situation like someone was trying to hurt Aaron, I would defend Aarons safety with all my might...but I don't think Aaron would do the same for me...


"Haven't you had enough abuse in the past? And then in this situation?

Why do you have to be your own self bully and add to the pile?"

Because I feel like I'm the bad guy, not because I think I'm doing something wrong or in the wrong but for years I have been going through abuse cycle and it's worn me down...I admit that I have gave up on defending myself and I honestly feel like I was painted as the bad guy unfairly and when someone you love tells you in your face

"The common denominator of all these problems is you" I can't help but feel I'm responsible...I know I'm not but I just wanted to have someone I could love, hold, kiss, laugh with and go through life together thick and thin. But once it became thick instead of being with me, they went against me..the person I loved, defended, supported and had amazing memories with just broke over a small argument. I have low self esteem as it is I don't give myself enough credit on how much I progressed, but now I feel like all my progress was never really seen or acknowledged by the very people who complained about these "issues".

"I think YOU could just choose. Not leave it up to Aaron. You don't even have to meet up again really -- other than getting your stuff out of the flat. Remove your name from lease if it is on there. Or just let the lease run out.

I do not know why Aaron has the unrealistic "perfect family never argues" thing going on but you know what? That's HIS baggage and HIS problem to solve."

Your right, I could choose and I honestly might, I would want to hear Aaron out first when ever they contact me, not to decide after they finish but for all I know they might come and apologise and if they are sorry enough I might down grade us to just being friends but even then I'm unsure. It's hard honestly, this was the first REAL relationship I ever had. Sure I had other boyfriends before Aaron but they all cheated on me or hurt me at the end and it never lasted that long, but we have been together for five years and I thought that had merit to it you know? At this point I don't know if I will go back and I honestly will have to find my cat a new home cause I don't trust either of them with her at this point.

I guess in a way I figured that baggage could be lifted if I helped and made it both of our goals. It sounds nice, having a perfect family...but that's to idealistic, even for me and I'm a very idealistic person. Not only that but I guess I made it my responsibility cause I figured if your partner has these issues and baggage, you should support them and understand that baggage and help ease it. In a way I thought I was when I was fixing myself and making improvements, doing research on the different stuff I needed to improve on.

"In future? You know that YOU cannot do all the work to sustain a relationship. In a three people thing? You giving 100% of your effort to hold up that leg of the stool? Means nothing if the other people aren't holding up their legs of the stool. You could hold your leg up A LOT with super human 200% effort, but all that happens is you burning out, one leg held up REALLY GOOD and... two other stool legs flopped over. Still not a solid stool to sit on."

I really did try...I just wanted a good family, I wanted to get a farm, plant plants, take care of animals and be surrounded by nature with the people special to me. But your right I can't put all this work to keep this relationship functioning if the others aren't even trying to see my end of things and how much I have tried improving and resolving.

In a way I believe in giving people chances, life is long I like to say, yes we could die any moment but if you live to die old, life is long and I have met people who were complete jerks, who later turned out to be really good, polite people. So when these red flags came up and these issues arrived I was hoping since I was trying my hardest to improve so would they...I guess I was wrong and I have to find a line where to much is to much shit.
 
Hello Lukeilton,

It sounds like Aaron and Allisa have been mistreating you, and maybe the only solution for you is to find another place to live and break up with Aaron. If you want to stay with Aaron, you will have to accept the way he treats you and just say to yourself, "Well, he is doing his best too. We are all three doing our best." If you find that you gag on those words, then maybe that is another red flag. You have to decide what you can stand, and what you can't stand. If you want, you could give them a fixed amount of time to improve how they treat you. Like you could tell them, that you'll keep trying to work things out with them, but if at the beginning of 2022 things haven't improved, then you'll break up with Aaron and move out. And it doesn't have to be a year, it could be a month or even a week. Just *something* so that *you* can see the light at the end of the tunnel. One way or another, the bad treatment will end.

I feel very bad about your situation, and I hope it will improve.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hello Lukeilton,

It sounds like Aaron and Allisa have been mistreating you, and maybe the only solution for you is to find another place to live and break up with Aaron. If you want to stay with Aaron, you will have to accept the way he treats you and just say to yourself, "Well, he is doing his best too. We are all three doing our best." If you find that you gag on those words, then maybe that is another red flag. You have to decide what you can stand, and what you can't stand. If you want, you could give them a fixed amount of time to improve how they treat you. Like you could tell them, that you'll keep trying to work things out with them, but if at the beginning of 2022 things haven't improved, then you'll break up with Aaron and move out. And it doesn't have to be a year, it could be a month or even a week. Just *something* so that *you* can see the light at the end of the tunnel. One way or another, the bad treatment will end.

I feel very bad about your situation, and I hope it will improve.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Click to expand...
To be completely honest with you, I felt like I have given them plenty of chances. I truly tried to make it work, but at this point I'm just tired, I'm tired of being painted as the bad guy, I'm tired of being abandoned, I'm tired of trying to make this relationship work only to get burned later. The main reason why I'm not really willing to accept or move past this is when I read one of the articles I read from one of y'all's responses called "the cycle of abuse" and that is what I have been going through for years. Like how can I ever feel safe about my presence there when I have been kicked out after two days of the argument. I even made a apologise letter, sat down Aaron and Alissa separately to say sorry and was told I was forgiven even after I worked my tail off to get a new job, make a budget system, gave them space, looked into different forms to find support about my faults. Then there was the time they literally decided without me, someone who was planning the RV trip with them from the very get go, hell I even encourage the idea, and I was supposed to be ok with being left behind and to take care of Aarons cat so they can have a fun adventure while I stay and car sit alone ( and Aaron knows I'm scared to live alone).
 
Glad the articles were of some help.

when Aaron admitted after getting caught in all the web of lies over YEARS it just makes me not really trust Aaron.
Click to expand...

Understandable. And you know what? It's ok not to trust any more. YEARS of lying is a lot.

Aaron picks out Alissa to date. You have no control over that.

But YOU pick out Aaron to date. YOU consent to be in a poly V.

You do have control over who you pick to be with. And what you do and do not participate in.

And it's ok to STOP picking Aaron out because he has disappointed you deeply. And STOP being in this V because you are tired of it all.

Like it really hurts to say this but I feel like if we were in a dangerous situation like someone was trying to hurt Aaron, I would defend Aarons safety with all my might...but I don't think Aaron would do the same for me...
Click to expand...

Yes. It's painful to realize that you love someone more than they love you. Or they only love you for services you provide.

Because I feel like I'm the bad guy, not because I think I'm doing something wrong or in the wrong but for years I have been going through abuse cycle and it's worn me down...I admit that I have gave up on defending myself and I honestly feel like I was painted as the bad guy unfairly and when someone you love tells you in your face
Click to expand...

Yes. Chronic abuse can wear one down. This is why I encourage you to leave. Sometimes one has to physically leave before the rest can heal -- emotionally, mentally, spiritually, etc. Get away from all the abuse stuff.

Like if you have your hand on the hot burner? You have to take your hand off first. Your hand is still gonna hurt even not on the burner. And will need more time to really heal. But the healing can only start with physically getting your hand off the burner first.

I know I'm not but I just wanted to have someone I could love, hold, kiss, laugh with and go through life together thick and thin. But once it became thick instead of being with me, they went against me..the person I loved, defended, supported and had amazing memories with just broke over a small argument.
Click to expand...

Yup. They did that. Aaron kicked you out and broke up over a small argument.

It can be a huge disappointment to realize your partner is not who you thought they were.

I have low self esteem as it is I don't give myself enough credit on how much I progressed, but now I feel like all my progress was never really seen or acknowledged by the very people who complained about these "issues".
Click to expand...

If the goal is to complain and edge you out? Acknowledging your improvements? That doesn't meet the goal of edging you out.

Your right, I could choose and I honestly might, I would want to hear Aaron out first when ever they contact me, not to decide after they finish but for all I know they might come and apologise and if they are sorry enough I might down grade us to just being friends but even then I'm unsure.
Click to expand...

It's ok NOT to be friends with people who abused you.

It's hard honestly, this was the first REAL relationship I ever had. Sure I had other boyfriends before Aaron but they all cheated on me or hurt me at the end and it never lasted that long, but we have been together for five years and I thought that had merit to it you know?
Click to expand...

Yes. I could see where you thought it had merit. But then to discover he was lying for years? That throws all that into question. Just how good is it when it was built on lies?

I can only imagine how you must feel. :(

I guess I was wrong and I have to find a line where to much is to much shit.
Click to expand...

Yes. You don't have to bend over backwards to please people just so you don't end up alone.

You can set where your line in the sand is, where your limit of tolerance lies. And you do NOT have to tolerate BS.

I encourage you to learn about healthy dating -- what it is and is not, esp since your dating history is rocky.

I encourage you to work on healing from past and present abuse and decide you don't want any more of that.

I encourage you to work on no longer being afraid of living alone. Because when you can do that, you can say "Forget this! I'm not putting up with that!" and walk away with more confidence if any new shenanigans arrive and be more able to keep you safe. You do not need to keep trying to "prove" your worth to people who don't value you just to avoid being alone.

To be completely honest with you, I felt like I have given them plenty of chances. I truly tried to make it work, but at this point I'm just tired, I'm tired of being painted as the bad guy, I'm tired of being abandoned, I'm tired of trying to make this relationship work only to get burned later.
Click to expand...

Glad to hear you are tired and starting to be angry. Angry is not a place to live, but it can motivate someone to make changes in their situation.

The main reason why I'm not really willing to accept or move past this is when I read one of the articles I read from one of y'all's responses called "the cycle of abuse" and that is what I have been going through for years. Like how can I ever feel safe about my presence there when I have been kicked out after two days of the argument.
Click to expand...

Yup. Don't need to stick around for another spin on the merry-go-round. When someone shows you their true colors? Believe them.

And now that you know about the cycle if abuse? Steel yourself for the "fake roses" of the honeymoon period. Promises of a better tomorrow and how they didn't mean it and lalala.

If Aaron comes round to sing you a song? Don't buy into it and don't get sucked back in or Hoovered.

It's ok to be done here, esp when you think you deserve better.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
GalaGirl said:
Glad the articles were of some help.



Understandable. And you know what? It's ok not to trust any more. YEARS of lying is a lot.

Aaron picks out Alissa to date. You have no control over that.

But YOU pick out Aaron to date. YOU consent to be in a poly V.

You do have control over who you pick to be with. And what you do and do not participate in.

And it's ok to STOP picking Aaron out because he has disappointed you deeply. And STOP being in this V because you are tired of it all.



Yes. It's painful to realize that you love someone more than they love you. Or they only love you for services you provide.



Yes. Chronic abuse can wear one down. This is why I encourage you to leave. Sometimes one has to physically leave before the rest can heal -- emotionally, mentally, spiritually, etc. Get away from all the abuse stuff.

Like if you have your hand on the hot burner? You have to take your hand off first. Your hand is still gonna hurt even not on the burner. And will need more time to really heal. But the healing can only start with physically getting your hand off the burner first.



Yup. They did that. Aaron kicked you out and broke up over a small argument.

It can be a huge disappointment to realize your partner is not who you thought they were.



If the goal is to complain and edge you out? Acknowledging your improvements? That doesn't meet the goal of edging you out.



It's ok NOT to be friends with people who abused you.



Yes. I could see where you thought it had merit. But then to discover he was lying for years? That throws all that into question. Just how good is it when it was built on lies?

I can only imagine how you must feel. :(



Yes. You don't have to bend over backwards to please people just so you don't end up alone.

You can set where your line in the sand is, where your limit of tolerance lies. And you do NOT have to tolerate BS.

I encourage you to learn about healthy dating -- what it is and is not, esp since your dating history is rocky.

I encourage you to work on healing from past and present abuse and decide you don't want any more of that.

I encourage you to work on no longer being afraid of living alone. Because when you can do that, you can say "Forget this! I'm not putting up with that!" and walk away with more confidence if any new shenanigans arrive and be more able to keep you safe. You do not need to keep trying to "prove" your worth to people who don't value you just to avoid being alone.



Glad to hear you are tired and starting to be angry. Angry is not a place to live, but it can motivate someone to make changes in their situation.



Yup. Don't need to stick around for another spin on the merry-go-round. When someone shows you their true colors? Believe them.

And now that you know about the cycle if abuse? Steel yourself for the "fake roses" of the honeymoon period. Promises of a better tomorrow and how they didn't mean it and lalala.

If Aaron comes round to sing you a song? Don't buy into it and don't get sucked back in or Hoovered.

It's ok to be done here, esp when you think you deserve better.

Galagirl
Click to expand...
"Understandable. And you know what? It's ok not to trust any more. YEARS of lying is a lot.

Aaron picks out Alissa to date. You have no control over that.

But YOU pick out Aaron to date. YOU consent to be in a poly V."

I did, I was going into this expecting to be a equal partner and be equally heard. But I'm not and it's just disappointing to realize this after so many years of fights, lies and slander.

"It's ok NOT to be friends with people who abused you."

I....i guess your right. God even now after all this shit I'm still trying to justify this BS to stay in thier life when it's honestly clear they don't want the same. I guess it just feels like I was stabbed in the back. Like I should of said no when Aaron asked if Alissa could move in but even if I did who knows how long it would of taken me to realize Aaron was lying to me just to have this fake idea of a perfect family.


"
Yes. I could see where you thought it had merit. But then to discover he was lying for years? That throws all that into question. Just how good is it when it was built on lies?

I can only imagine how you must feel."

I appreciate that, you know when this happened I honestly didn't really know where to turn. I told my family the situation and they are supportive but they never understood polyamory so it's kinda hard to relate. I tried posting it on reddit but I guess it was to long of a read cause people would reply weird comments like they just read the first couple sentences and just assumed what I was going through. But you and others actually read what I'm going through and are giving me great advice, for that I'm very grateful.


"I encourage you to learn about healthy dating -- what it is and is not, esp since your dating history is rocky."

Yeah your right, I don't have a clean record of healthy relationships but what do you suggest? Should articles, websites and videos be good to start with or is there a particular group or resource that you recommend?


" I encourage you to work on no longer being afraid of living alone. Because when you can do that, you can say "Forget this! I'm not putting up with that!" and walk away with more confidence if any new shenanigans arrive and be more able to keep you safe. You do not need to keep trying to "prove" your worth to people who don't value you just to avoid being alone."

I'm just afraid I'll be lonely and if I have a bad day or going through a rough time I would want to come home to someone to talk to or relax with. But I guess I could get a pet...I just wish I could have my cat with me. And I do have my family and friends.


"And now that you know about the cycle if abuse? Steel yourself for the "fake roses" of the honeymoon period. Promises of a better tomorrow and how they didn't mean it and lalala."

I'm going to have to breath and keep a clear head when that happens. I can't just let my heart decide something that is detrimental to my mental health and self worth.
 
I....i guess your right. God even now after all this shit I'm still trying to justify this BS to stay in thier life when it's honestly clear they don't want the same. I guess it just feels like I was stabbed in the back. Like I should of said no when Aaron asked if Alissa could move in but even if I did who knows how long it would of taken me to realize Aaron was lying to me just to have this fake idea of a perfect family.
Click to expand...

I could be wrong but to me that sounds like you are working through the stages of grief. Some bargaining stage maybe.

AND IT IS OK TO BE THERE.

It's ok to be a grieving person. You don't have to run right out to do anything than the very basics required like food, shower, sleep, work, etc.

Baby steps.

Yeah your right, I don't have a clean record of healthy relationships but what do you suggest? Should articles, websites and videos be good to start with or is there a particular group or resource that you recommend?
Click to expand...

That is up to you. I'd encourage REST before doing anything else though. You might even want to take a dating break for a time after all this. You do not have to jump into dating or a new self improvement thing right away.

YMMV, but I give my kids stuff like this

Characteristics of Healthy & Unhealthy Relationships | Youth.gov

youth.gov youth.gov

www.socialworkerstoolbox.com

Healthy Relationships Toolkit - Teenagers - Free Social Work Tools and Resources: SocialWorkersToolbox.com

This interactive toolkit was designed to teach young people about healthy relationships, choices, and communication. It addresses attitudes, opinions, and behaviors related to dating abuse and healthy relationships. The toolkit will be best delivered within a group setting however can be also...
www.socialworkerstoolbox.com www.socialworkerstoolbox.com


SpeakOutLoud — Learn About Coercive Control and Psychological Abuse

It appears “normal” BUT Coercive Control is Power Play. Studies show that most domestic and family violence does not involve physical violence.
speakoutloud.net speakoutloud.net

Several years back I had a friend leaving an abusive marriage. I told her about Speak Out Loud.

Back then I asked her if she wanted me to get her a copy of this one and she said yes.


These weren't published back then, but if it happened today? I'd ask her about these too. I haven't read them, but they look like something she might have wanted then.



I'm going to have to breath and keep a clear head when that happens. I can't just let my heart decide something that is detrimental to my mental health and self worth.
Click to expand...

Glad you know that.

Hang in there!

Galagirl
 
GalaGirl said:
I could be wrong but to me that sounds like you are working through the stages of grief. Some bargaining stage maybe.

AND IT IS OK TO BE THERE.

It's ok to be a grieving person. You don't have to run right out to do anything than the very basics required like food, shower, sleep, work, etc.

Baby steps.



That is up to you. I'd encourage REST before doing anything else though. You might even want to take a dating break for a time after all this. You do not have to jump into dating or a new self improvement thing right away.

YMMV, but I give my kids stuff like this

Characteristics of Healthy & Unhealthy Relationships | Youth.gov

youth.gov youth.gov

www.socialworkerstoolbox.com

Healthy Relationships Toolkit - Teenagers - Free Social Work Tools and Resources: SocialWorkersToolbox.com

This interactive toolkit was designed to teach young people about healthy relationships, choices, and communication. It addresses attitudes, opinions, and behaviors related to dating abuse and healthy relationships. The toolkit will be best delivered within a group setting however can be also...
www.socialworkerstoolbox.com www.socialworkerstoolbox.com


SpeakOutLoud — Learn About Coercive Control and Psychological Abuse

It appears “normal” BUT Coercive Control is Power Play. Studies show that most domestic and family violence does not involve physical violence.
speakoutloud.net speakoutloud.net

Several years back I had a friend leaving an abusive marriage. I told her about Speak Out Loud.

Back then I asked her if she wanted me to get her a copy of this one and she said yes.


These weren't published back then, but if it happened today? I'd ask her about these too. I haven't read them, but they look like something she might have wanted then.





Glad you know that.

Hang in there!

Galagirl
Click to expand...
"AND IT IS OK TO BE THERE.

It's ok to be a grieving person. You don't have to run right out to do anything than the very basics required like food, shower, sleep, work, etc.

Baby steps."

Your right it's just also a little unbelievable. I moved out of my folks place 5 years ago and it was going so well and then in a simple span of 2 days my life has dramatically changed. I will get past this, I know I will...I just thought everything was going well.


"That is up to you. I'd encourage REST before doing anything else though. You might even want to take a dating break for a time after all this. You do not have to jump into dating or a new self improvement thing right away."

Thank you for all those resources, I think I'll have to really sit down and read those and also the other books I have to help me with my other issues. I guess I'm just gonna have to use this time to heal....



Thank you again for taking to me about this, it's helped a lot and I have a better idea on how I'll go about things. Again thank you for the bottom of my heart
 
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