questions

[Appleseed]

Im dating a poly guy, I had no clue about polyamory and now I am learning about it.
He is super busy between work, friends and other girlfriend. I feel he is stretching so thin, and makes it hard to understand how serious he is about us. (like he wants me to meet his parents, but I haven't even met his friends; or he wants to go out, travel, and have all these experiences, but we only see each other once a week).

So I have Questions!:
Its been 8 months and feels like i want to spend more time with him, is it wrong to ask for more time? Or should I just let it be and find someone else?

If I find someone else, how can I bring this relationship up without hurting or scaring people away?

In my opinion (not by experience) polyamory sounds great when you have a marriage/long term/stable relationship. But I feel I want attention and time to build that first. How would you call this? Do I still "qualify" as poly?

Right now I feel its convenient to be polyamorous, cause it feels I can date anyone, but at the same time I don't want to hurt or get hurt. How can I be serious with multiple people?

How do you make time for everyone? and still be able to be/give 100% with everyone? (when he is at work or with me its great we communicate a lot, when he is with friends or gf he barely talks to me, I can see its hard to "split")

Please correct me why polyamory feels "convenient"?

Thank you all!

 

[Marcus]

Its been 8 months and feels like i want to spend more time with him, is it wrong to ask for more time?

Other posters here will be better equipped to suggest how you can get him to spend more time with you, so I won't address that part directly.

The part I am most interested in is how you go about asking someone for something (anything). For me, if you want to build a stable foundation of trust with another person, the most important thing about making a request is fully embracing the reality that they may not want to give you what you have requested. When you "ask for more time", the best long term results will come from you being incredibly supportive with whatever response you get. It can be difficult to gracefully receive an unfavorable answer, certainly considered most of us were raised to be self-centered brats, but this is how we can demonstrate that we are a safe party to be honest with.

If when we make a request and don't get what we want, we pout and mope, or beg and grovel, what we are doing is telling them that we aren't a trustworthy person. We tell them that when we ask a question, we will punish them for not giving us the right answer. I know that seems a little dramatic, but this is common practice, and it is a primary source of lack of trust in interpersonal relationships (this is my non-medical opinion).

If instead, when we get an unfavorable answer we demonstrate clearly that we respect them and that we fully support them for answering honestly, we demonstrate that we are a safe person and that we aren't setting traps for them. When we do this for long enough we set up a foundation of security and trust.

So I find that the question itself is less important then what we do with an answer we weren't hoping for.

 

[3908]

Appleseed,
welcome to the forum. Im still new to poly and as Marcus said, others are more knowledgeable.

you mentioned..."In my opinion (not by experience) polyamory sounds great when you have a marriage/long term/stable relationship"
I Identify with this, for me I don't see me being able to facilitate a poly environment if i didnt have a solid and stable marriage as a foundation.
My configuration would be Primary/Secondary. the primary would be my wife, and the Secondary or "Metamour" would be another female friend.

I think a secondary for me would be best another married woman, she would have her own life and main connection to her primary husband.
a single woman would seem to me not as stable? like as long as she is not dating a guy shes cool but i might get pushed aside if she starts dating a guy regular.

in poly there is an understanding that one spouse or significant other is unable to provide 100% of a persons relationship needs. In my case, my wife is not really affectionate, and I desire more affection than she provides.
In traditional Christian environments a person must accept such shortcomings and just deal with it, but in poly another person can fill the gap

thank you for reading and hang around this forum, read posts...you can learn alot. Ive learned alot over the last 3 months or so here.

 

[icesong]

Its been 8 months and feels like i want to spend more time with him, is it wrong to ask for more time? Or should I just let it be and find someone else?

It's absolutely not *wrong*, it just may not be something he wants to give. Or it maybe something he IS willing to do, and you'll never know until you ask. (Please note that this advice is coming from someone who was REALLY bad at asking for what she wanted for almost the entirety of her current relationship, which made it develop WAY more slowly than it otherwise might have, so that's the perspective I'm coming from.)

If I find someone else, how can I bring this relationship up without hurting or scaring people away?

My theory on this is just be out there on online dating forms and whatnot that you're poly. If it scares them away, then at least you've figured out you're not compatible on that front early. This may limit your dating pool, but I think that's a feature not a bug if you want to continue to have polyamorous relationships for the foreseeable future.

In my opinion (not by experience) polyamory sounds great when you have a marriage/long term/stable relationship. But I feel I want attention and time to build that first. How would you call this? Do I still "qualify" as poly?

A lot of people want to have, or fall into, a more intense relationship for the beginning part of a relationship. Obviously time spent is good for that... but consider this. If you begin as you mean to go on, then you aren't left wondering what happened when that level of time and attention eventually decreases.

How can I be serious with multiple people?

How do you make time for everyone? and still be able to be/give 100% with everyone? (when he is at work or with me its great we communicate a lot, when he is with friends or gf he barely talks to me, I can see its hard to "split")

As to your first question, and this sounds like I'm being facetious but I'm not - what do you mean by "be serious"? An essential thing about having polyamorous relationships is being clear about what you want and need, rather than using shorthand for that. (I mean, mono people don't really have the definitions thing down either, from what I can tell.) A resource I've often used to think about this is the relationship smorgasbord - what do you, Appleseed, want from your partner and what does he want from you? And where do these wants overlap?

As for the second part of what you say - he's wonderful when he's with you but feels very absent when he's not - I had the same issue with my partner early in our relationship. But I came to a realization later - yes, we don't talk a lot when he's spending time with his wife or his other partner, or working on projects or whatever. But when we're together he's 100% __with me__, other than the occasional emergency - and I'd far rather have that sort of undivided attention than not, so I can't begrudge him being 100% present for the other parts of his life. Maybe that doesn't work for you - for some people quantity of time is as important as quality - but it's something to think about.

Please correct me why polyamory feels "convenient"?

I'm not sure what you mean by this? Are you feeling like you're not a priority for your partner, just someone he sees when it's convenient? Or?

 

[icesong]

My configuration would be Primary/Secondary. the primary would be my wife, and the Secondary or "Metamour" would be another female friend.

"Secondary" and "Metamour" are entirely different things. A metamour is actually the partner of your partner - so if your wife had another partner (which clearly isn't going to happen in your circumstances but as an example) that partner would be *your* metamour, or your secondary partner would be your wife's metamour.

 

[Appleseed]

Thank you all!
You are right @icesong I don't know what he is thinking or willing to do, maybe he would like to give more time but he doesn't know if I want to; as well as, maybe he really cant cause he is busy. @3908 maybe this is "accepting the shortcomings", if he cant give me more time, like @Marcus says I shouldn't take it against him, but this means I should just go find someone else who can?

A resource I've often used to think about this is the relationship smorgasbord - what do you, Appleseed, want from your partner and what does he want from you? And where do these wants overlap?

Wow! perfect!, what happens when I am looking to find all of them in one person? I am not the most social person so I don't know how to get more people who will fall on different squares.. and how to split myself to be there for them too. I feel the more people the more I have to split and the less I can offer each.

But when we're together he's 100% __with me__, other than the occasional emergency - and I'd far rather have that sort of undivided attention than not, so I can't begrudge him being 100% present for the other parts of his life

How do you feel about not sharing other parts of his life? How much can you "lean" on him? I mean I am very independent i don't need help for the very-very most part, which also makes people think I don't like help. But i would love to have a partner who wants to be there for me as much as Id be there for him too.

Are you feeling like you're not a priority for your partner, just someone he sees when it's convenient?

A little, like when the other people in his life changed plans or didn't show up. Not always but it's been a couple of times when he calls after his first plan got canceled.
But I mean its convenient because if I cant give something my partner wants, i shouldn't worry/stress/do something about it, because he can go look for it somewhere else. This way I don't have to try to make him happy on his desires. Its convenient cause we are cool, no hard feelings and no broken hearts, no broken promises, no failed expectations.

What happens when he wants -me- to do it, not someone else do it... Like my time example I would like to spend more time/activities with him, not someone else? should I just give up if he wont?

in poly there is an understanding that one spouse or significant other is unable to provide 100% of a persons relationship needs. In my case, my wife is not really affectionate, and I desire more affection than she provides.
In traditional Christian environments a person must accept such shortcomings and just deal with it, but in poly another person can fill the gap

I feel the same, and please correct me, @3908 it makes sense the Primary-Secondary configuration, I feel its harder to keep it Polyamorous. I believe the difference between open relationship/FWB/polygamy is very little when there is no "primary" partner. So far all of them are based on the very similar/same ideas. But for me i want to have a solid rock, but you also get to fill the small gaps, is that polyamory or falls into another category?

This makes me think I am the secondary with this guy, but he says he has no configuration and that makes everything a lot more confusing cause its kinda like FWB, kinda like open, kinda like mono, kinda like single all together.

A metamour is actually the partner of your partner

Speaking of metamour how weird is it to ask about his other (?) partner? I want him to be able to talk about her openly so he doesn't need to hide that he is with her, which makes things weird for me I feel he is hiding and I don't like the short answers like "i went for dinner".. I think I rather know he is with her, so I know he is busy and I shouldn't bug him or ask for details.

Thank you again! I will try to find people who is open to poly so I can keep learning about this.

 

[icesong]

Wow! perfect!, what happens when I am looking to find all of them in one person? I am not the most social person so I don't know how to get more people who will fall on different squares.. and how to split myself to be there for them too. I feel the more people the more I have to split and the less I can offer each.

For me I can't imagine one person falling on all the squares - or circles, I found another version of the board that I like a little bit better. Here, let me show you - these are labeled versions of the smorgasbord attempting to describe what I share with each of my partners. Even though I would consider myself wildly compatible with both of them, there are still things I don't - and don't want to - share with each.
Knight
Artist
(Sadly, the photo upload isn't working.)

The thing is though, there are other people I could fill out this for too - friends, professional colleagues - and while they'd not necessarily fill as MANY slots, they would fill some in an important way. Like, neither of my partners is going to be a mentor, but that's an important thing. Or I have friends that would be heavy on emotional intimacy, emotional support, and systems of oppression (ie understanding the social implications of being female and non-straight) but aren't in any other categories. Or... if I filled one out for Joan, it would have lots of domestic, some financial, lots of communication and emotional support/ intimacy, a tiny bit of sex, some collaboration and creative... but no PDA, no kink, not a lot of companionship really.

How do you feel about not sharing other parts of his life? How much can you "lean" on him? I mean I am very independent i don't need help for the very-very most part, which also makes people think I don't like help. But i would love to have a partner who wants to be there for me as much as Id be there for him too.

Emotionally Artist is absolutely there for me, practically maybe less so but he's rescued me from a few flat tires and keys locked in cars. (I might be a bit scattered sometimes.) And honestly as I've talked about in other threads, I *like* that there are parts of his life I don't share - Knight and I shared too much and it got unhealthy; I think relationships are better if there's some separation and mystery.

What happens when he wants -me- to do it, not someone else do it... Like my time example I would like to spend more time/activities with him, not someone else? should I just give up if he wont?

I mean this is a compatibility thing - if you want something specifically from him, and he can't give it, that may be a problem with your relationship. Like, my analogous situation is that just because I'm having lots of sex with Artist doesn't mean I don't want my relationship with Knight to contain some sex, so if he completely said nope not my problem I wouldn't be ok with that. It's not unreasonable to say to someone "if we're going to have X relationship, I need Y time together for that to work." Your needs are valid, whether or not they're something that this

This makes me think I am the secondary with this guy, but he says he has no configuration and that makes everything a lot more confusing cause its kinda like FWB, kinda like open, kinda like mono, kinda like single all together.

Non-hierarchical polyamory is TOTALLY a thing, it's what I practice too. Really it's not about how much time or energy you put into a relationship but whether or not one relationship controls aspects of another - so what he's trying to tell you (probably) is that his other partner can't veto you or limit how much you see each other. And that's a good thing!

Speaking of metamour how weird is it to ask about his other (?) partner? I want him to be able to talk about her openly so he doesn't need to hide that he is with her, which makes things weird for me I feel he is hiding and I don't like the short answers like "i went for dinner".. I think I rather know he is with her, so I know he is busy and I shouldn't bug him or ask for details.

Not weird. Some people like details, some prefer privacy between relationships. There's no way of knowing which he prefers without talking to him about it.
partner can necessarily fulfill.

 

[Appleseed]

I can't imagine one person falling on all the squares

I understand the part that you wont find someone who is everything, my problem is I had someone who had a lot, but made things very hard because he was very hurt and everything turned very toxic.. I guess because Ive seen having one person for many things makes difficult to see one person per couple of squares.
Maybe it's time to open up and start having more people involved so I can explore and decide. I do not oppose its more like I haven't been there to understand it (makes sense?)

but whether or not one relationship controls aspects of another -

What do you mean?

I really feel, polyamory is rewiring my brain, and making me stop thinking and start feeling, which is my biggest lesson to learn.

 

[icesong]

Maybe it's time to open up and start having more people involved so I can explore and decide. I do not oppose its more like I haven't been there to understand it (makes sense?)

That TOTALLY makes sense. It took me a very long time to see it too.

icesong said:
but whether or not one relationship controls aspects of another -

What do you mean?

So you'll see a lot of people in this board talking about "oh, my meta won't let my partner and I do X" or "I don't mind having a meta but they can't do X,Y or Z with my partner " or "I can date you but my partner won't let me spend more than one night a week with you" or... the permutations for that are endless. The thing is though, at least in my opinion (and others disagree with me!) I don't think one partner SHOULD have the right to say that about their partner's other relationships - like I don't know that this is happening but your partner's partner *shouldn't* be able to say "oh, you can only spend 1 day every 2 weeks with Appleseed" or "no overnights" or...

I really feel, polyamory is rewiring my brain, and making me stop thinking and start feeling, which is my biggest lesson to learn.

That's awesome, actually.

 

[3908]

I feel the same, and please correct me, @3908 it makes sense the Primary-Secondary configuration, I feel its harder to keep it Polyamorous. I believe the difference between open relationship/FWB/polygamy is very little when there is no "primary" partner. So far all of them are based on the very similar/same ideas. But for me i want to have a solid rock, but you also get to fill the small gaps, is that polyamory or falls into another category?

in evaluating my own environment, I need a solid primary relationship to build poly on top of. I spent many years in online dating before meeting my wife and to apply my poly thinking to that single environment seems really hard to work with. i personally think it would be very chaotic/fluid? for me to be single again pursuing poly relationships.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Appleseed,

I think it is okay to ask your poly guy for more time. If he says, "I can't do that," or, "I don't want to do that," explain to him that you plan to search for an/other partner/s who can and will give you that extra time. As for bringing poly up without hurting or scaring people away, I think like if you are on OKCupid, you should put poly in your profile description, so that way people know it without having to ask.

You said you want to build a monogamous marriage (the escalator) before you get into poly. I think you still "qualify" as poly, you are poly at heart, even if you are not practicing poly at the moment.

You said poly is convenient because it feels like you can date anyone, but you don't want to hurt or get hurt, and you wonder how you can be serious with multiple people. I think the key to this riddle is to do lots of transparent communicating. Talk a lot with the people you date, and listen a lot. Don't just tell them how it is, ask them questions and pay attention to their answers.

You won't be able to make 100% time for everyone. If you have two partners, you are only going to be able to give each one of them 50% -- at the most. You said your poly guy is super busy between work, friends, and his other girlfriend. That's actually a good example of how poly uses up one's time. He gives you 100% when it's "your turn" ... my apologies if that comes across as crude.

Polyamory isn't for everyone; you have to decide if it's right for you.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

It's not true that, if you're poly, and in, say, 2 or 3 relationships, you can only give 50%, or 33.3% of your time to each partner. You may spend 75% of your time and energy on partner 1, and 25% on partner 2, for example.

And this isn't just a time thing. You might be much more emotionally involved with partner 1. Or you may share many more hobbies with partner 2. Or you just might feel more invested in one or the other, even if time spent is 50-50. One side might feel more intense than the other; maybe the sex is through the roof with one partner, and not the other. Or partner 1 might be going through some shit, and you want to assist them. You'll need to let partner 2 know you'll be somewhat unavailable time-wise. Or even if you are with them physically, you might not be as emotionally present for a while.

You can't just break it all down into a numbers game. It's more like a dance, with lots of moving parts. It's not that different though, from juggling other loved ones. A common idea is if you have 2 kids. You give birth to baby #2, and the older kid might get less attention for a while, since the newborn is so needy. But that doesn't mean you don't WANT to be with the older kid, or love them less. And they also don't stop needing and wanting you. So you make adjustments, call in reinforcements, ask for patience, etc. You need to get more creative, because you're trying to not actually hurt anyone. It's important to keep everyone in the loop though, so most needs are met, and no one feels completely displaced or neglected.

As for a poly person getting stretched too thin-- that is a thing. We call it being polysaturated. Personally, I do best with only 2 partners at a time. I've had periods where I've had 3 partners, and it stresses me out. I do not feel I can meet everyone's needs and desires. I also forget what I told to whom. And I need "me time" too, time for myself to refresh and regenerate. It's just too complicated for me with 3.

If all 3 people are kind of really into me, and almost competing for my time, I feel bad. It is different of course, if, say, one person was a LDR, and we only chatted once or twice a week, and maybe only really met every 2 months. That would be easier to handle than having 3 local relationships.

So, you really need to look at quality of time spent, and not just split it up into "who gets X amount of actual time."

Love is infinite, but time and money are not.

 

[Magdlyn]

I'm dating a poly guy, I had no clue about polyamory and now I am learning about it.

You could go to the More Than Two website for the "how-to's" of poly, in a nutshell.

He is super busy between work, friends and other girlfriend. I feel he is stretching so thin, and makes it hard to understand how serious he is about us. Like, he wants me to meet his parents, but I haven't even met his friends; or he wants to go out, travel, and have all these experiences with me, but we only see each other once a week.

So you might think that, even if you ask, he won't be able to provide you with more time, even if he wants to. Seeing him once a week doesn't feel like enough to you. I agree, it's not that much time to really feel bonded. Not for me, anyway. I really like to see a partner at least 2, or preferably 3 times a week, even if it's just for 2 or 3 hours.

In 2019, I was dating a guy for several months, who had a blended family of 5 kids. Both his new wife's and his kids also spent time with their other parents, so he did have *some* free time to see me. But then his new wife got pregnant, and, after a bit of time to take this in, I told him I thought we should cool it. I didn't feel right trying to get him to leave his family while she was pg, and then when there was a newborn. He was hurt by me downscaling things, since he is truly poly at heart. He wanted to be emotionally and sexually close with me. But I didn't feel it was right. I was also noticing him being late for our dates sometimes, or rescheduling, because of the bigger kids' schedules, already! Add in a newborn... no. It didn't feel right.

So, I have questions!
Its been 8 months and I feel like I want to spend more time with him; is it wrong to ask for more time? Or should I just let it be and find someone else?

As was addressed, you can and should ask for whatever you want. But then be OK with them saying "no," if they can't provide that. And if they say "yes," but their actions don't match their words, you'll have to deal with that. Actions speak louder than words.

If I find someone else, how can I bring this relationship up, without hurting or scaring people away?

Don't be so afraid about hurting someone because of who you are. Dating is hard, and it can hurt, and it can be messy. That's just how it goes. You just do your best to be self aware, and expect people to take you as you are.

In my opinion (not by experience) polyamory sounds great when you have a marriage/long term/stable relationship. But I feel I want attention and time to build that first. How would you call this? Do I still "qualify" as poly?

Of course, some poly people, when they find a new great partner, will take a break from meeting new people. There's this thing called NRE, new relationship energy. It makes you kind of obsessed with someone new who seems to tick all your boxes. You actually lose the desire for others for a while. This can be very fun, and it may make you stop going on dating sites or whatever. The downside is, if you already have a partner or two, it would be very rude to stop engaging with them, and put all your energy into the new and shiny person. Experienced poly people learn how to deal with this hormonal state of NRE.

Right now I feel its convenient to be polyamorous, because it feels I can date anyone. But at the same time I don't want to hurt someone, or get hurt. How can I be serious with multiple people?

You'll get hurt. Dating is hard, as I said above. Learning to deal with heartbreak is part of dating. Not everyone you meet will be Ms or Mr Right, no matter how good they seem at first.

How do you make time for everyone, and still be able to be with everyone and give them 100%? When he is at work or with me, it's great. We communicate a lot. But when he is with friends or his gf he barely talks to me. I can see it's hard to "split."

Each dyad has to work this out for themselves. My gf texts me when she's at her bf's house, and she texts him when she's at our house. He and I don't mind this. It's just part of our dynamic. She spends half the week at his place, and half the week at our place. Of course, there are times when she is fully focused on one or the other of us, and spends hours involved in a project, or a proper "date," or making love, or whatever, too. I certainly don't expect her to be always "on call" for me when she's with him!

I'm not formally dating anyone else at the moment, so I am sharing her current practices, less than my own.

 

[Appleseed]

More Than Two website for the "how-to's

amazing! been reading and yes it makes things a lot more clear.

Not for me, anyway.

seems like everyone is different and there are no rules as to what each wants, but it all needs to be explained and agreed.

"your turn"

Thats what I was wondering, If thats what it is, I am conflicted on finding happiness on little windows of time.
I mean I like the fact that you can give love and be ok and loved back drama free, with as many people as you choose, (this thought only) has already opened up a side of me I would only dream before (don't know why i never looked into it till now, maybe I wasn't ready) now I feel i want to know how it works and start "practicing" to see what feels like a better match.
But I kinda go back to what happens when I want to see spend "relationship time" but he is unavailable, and I have to wait for "my turn".

I don't think one partner SHOULD have the right to say that about their partner's other relationships

Got ya! I noticed he is dating someone, and he didn't say anything but you know, you can see/feel it. And amazingly my response was just let me know your plans so I can also make mine.. however he hasn't mention anything about this partner.. (is that aka cheating?)

Love is infinite, but time and money are not.

And Im guessing it all comes down to talk, communicate and know what you want

Thank you all for all the replies!

 

[Frankie]

"But I kinda go back to what happens when I want to see spend "relationship time" but he is unavailable, and I have to wait for "my turn"."

I think this is a societal conditioning. "We" are so dead set on our monogamous partner providing all of our happiness, that we think that when we want their time they should always be there for us, to provide it.

I think Polyamory gives us the stepping stones to rearrange the functioning of a, human in a relationship, in our society. We are responsible for our own happiness. When we can have the ability to add to that happiness by spending time with those we love, then it is just a boost to our happiness. Polyamory provides a way to have relationships without codependency, you can be in love (or like a person) and be completely and functionally independent.

It's like looking at a situation and saying; are you there only because I want you there and you would rather be somewhere else. Or are you there because you absolutely want to be there in that moment in time of your own free will.

It's a hard pill to swallow when we realize that sometimes our codependency forces people to do things they don't want to do; when they would rather be doing something else.

Our personal autonomy should be important to our partners (and theirs, important to us), we can find happiness in that by releasing the codependency strings (where our happiness relies on their participation when WE want it.)

In all honesty it does boil down to waiting your turn. It just depends on how you look at it, you have the ability to turn it into a negative or turn it into a positive.

"I have to wait my turn because he is with them. It upsets me that he isn't here when I want him to be."

"I have to wait my turn because he is with them. I understand he has other important people and activities in his life and I am one of those, so he will make time for me when he can."

I think together you can set expectations for the relationship and you can make plans and expect follow through. If something isn't working, then you can talk about it and see if there is something that would work better. But it is all based on communication and understanding.

I don't know if I'm explaining it all correctly or if it makes sense. And others are welcome to point out flaws or correct how I'm trying to explain it. I am not perfect in any of this by any means. It is just my understanding.