Open Relationship Trouble

[FallenAngelina]

I do know I want someone who isn’t going to want me one day and the next tell me there’s an expiration date on the relationship. Other than this part of the relationship, we’re great friends and really enjoy eaxhorher’s company.

"Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?"

There's no point in endlessly dissecting the micro-minutiae of a relationship that is fundamentally flawed. He is not what you want. Simple. Perhaps more fruitful than digging into the rabbit hole of "jealousy" would be to look into the question of why you're subjecting yourself to someone who is bringing out constant anxiety in you. There are a lot of great men who would love to meet a woman who wants a long term, potentially forever poly relationship. Why are you hanging onto this guy for dear life?

 

[Cas78]

"Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?"

There's no point in endlessly dissecting the micro-minutiae of a relationship that is fundamentally flawed. He is not what you want. Simple. Perhaps more fruitful than digging into the rabbit hole of "jealousy" would be to look into the question of why you're subjecting yourself to someone who is bringing out constant anxiety in you. There are a lot of great men who would love to meet a woman who wants a long term, potentially forever poly relationship. Why are you hanging onto this guy for dear life?

Great question and I don't have an answer ultimately. I suppose part of it is that I don't want to be alone, which is why I am dating others. I like the idea of finding someone else I enjoy spending time with and slowly phasing out my relationship with Mr. Whisy Washy.

 

[Cas78]

Hello Cas78,

It sounds like this is a good man who is perfect for you in every single way, except for this one little thing. Well, maybe a few little things ...

• You fell in love with him ... thus opening a portal to the past, compelling you to be jealous, and to put pressure on the relationship.
• He minimizes the problem: "We're just not on the same page at the moment."
• He implies that you're only upset because you're (supposedly) off your nut.
• He wants to date other women ... but doesn't want you to date other men.
• He goes silent on you the days he has dates ... for as much as 48 hours at a time.
• He says he wants to stop playing the field ... then takes it back.
• He says he loves you ... then takes it back.
• He's already planning to break up with you ... on his timetable, not yours.

He is a good man who does bad things. And I know you're not ready to break up with him, so I am not going to suggest that. I do think you need to address his behaviors though. Explain to him what he's doing wrong, and why he needs to change it.

Take back some of the personal power that you have lost in this relationship. Don't let yourself be triggered by the past. And consider the possibility that you're only jealous because you're being treated badly. Give yourself some credit.

I hope you can work some things out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

Yes, all valid points. We do thoroughly enjoy each other's company and this is what makes it so damn hard to pull the plug, even in spite of his bad behavior. But, I do hope dating others guys will help me pull away and find something more substantial and fulfilling.

 

[GalaGirl]

That's one way to go. Line up a new person and then end it with him.

But you might want to examine this at some point...

I suppose part of it is that I don't want to be alone.

When you can be comfortable being on your own? You don't have to wait for that new person to arrive before making decisions.

You can end things, and just enjoy your own company drama free. You don't have to put up with stuff you don't like just because you don't like being alone.

Galagirl

 

[dingedheart]

We just have so much fun together and are great friends. It’s so hard to pull the plug...

I think what you KNOW in the short term is this. WHAT you also know is that they’re really is no concrete path to a future. In fact he‘s actively discouraged any hope of a future so adjust plan enjoy the here and now and look for another guy or guys to occupy that primary space down the road.

Also a guy like that who thinks he’s got it all figured out in terms of his future and his ex wife’s future is a fool on this grounds too. He fucks around another 5-10 yrs and then gets an enlarged prostate or heart condition and wants a live in nurse. THE UNWELCOME mat might be on the front porch by then. The universe sometime has a way humbling that level of arrogance.

 

[MeeraReed]

Hey MeeraReed, I am 65 and Pixi is 43, and she's fine with "taking care of me," lol. That sounded a bit ageist. I don't think a 20 year age gap is of itself a bad thing. As long as the older person "still got it," why not? And even if they are becoming infirm, they still have value, they can still get up to some hanky panky, and they can be very interesting and exciting people to love.

No, my comment wasn't ageist, it was about the specifics of Cas's relationship. This dude left his wife to date 20-year-younger women with no commitment, while planning to return to his wife when he loses his sex drive (I assume so his same-age wife can then take care of him).

I am just assuming that he's not thinking of reconciling with his wife when SHE needs him to care for her, but I suppose I could be wrong.

The most fun I had in my 20s was dating a guy 20 years older than me, so I am certainly not against age differences in a relationship.

There's no guarantee this guy in question is going to "lose his libido" anytime soon. It is a cultural fallacy that older people stop liking sex, or stop having the ability to do it. Ask anyone who works in a senior living facility. I have heard there is quite a bit of sex going on, with people who can move at all. I think younger people like to think older people don't have sex, or if they do, it's gross, just because of the incest taboo. Mom and Dad should never be seen as desirable. (Then you look up porn preferences, and see that sex with mom, step-mom or a MILF are in the top 10 of searches...)

I don't know when he'll lose his libido...but he says he's going back to his wife when he does. So she gets him when he's too old to want sex? Not a great deal for her. Even if she doesn't want sex herself, seems like a bad situation for her. I hope she passes on him at that point--and dates a younger dude herself if she wants, LOL.

I do think it's really gross though, that this guy thinks he'll finally go back to his wife, and somehow make his grown kids happy, when this happens, when he loses all desire. First of all, the wife must have very low self esteem to take him back after that. Second of all, I don't think the "kids" will be so happy when he comes crawling back at age 75 or 80! lol *shakes head*

Yes, exactly.