I've been dating Pam for around 5 months now, and we both are relationship anarchists. We've both had a few brief encounters with others during our time dating, but mostly we've spent all the time we could together. Then Pam moved away. Far away. So we've been talking on the phone a lot and sending sweet texts and it has actually deepened our connection.
Then Pam met Brad. He wasn't aware she was poly until after their first (intensely intimate) date when she revealed it to him. She then found out he is very anti-non-monogamy, and he was hurt that she wasn't up front with him about her relationship with me. They agreed they'd be better off as friends. Then they continued to talk on the phone for hours at a time and meet up, as if they were still dating (no physical intimacy, but plenty of emotional intimacy). I noticed a big shift in Pam's availability as they both needed a lot of emotional processing with each other about their connection.
I found it very perplexing that Brad still wanted to invest so much time and energy into something that he felt very uncomfortable with. I know they have intense feelings for each other, but after deciding they should be friends, the intensity of those feelings remained and began to affect my relationship with Pam. I had initial concerns about Brad, as did Pam, that centered around his odd way of relating: a lot of projection and "shaman" guru stuff and being kind of an emotional black hole. She actually said she felt "out of her body" when she was with him the first time. He also has great qualities, of course, and makes her feel elated in many ways.
I expressed these concerns once again 2 weeks into their connection and said some things out of frustration that were intrusive to Pam's process around it. She, of course, didn't appreciate that and felt pretty shocked that I was being that way. I was definitely feeling displaced by her new monogamous anti-non-monogamy friend-not-friend, and it was hard to just let things play out, as it seemed like Brad was making some attempts to convince her that non-monogamy "doesn't work" and pull her into his energetic web (from my perspective).
Pam has held her ground on being non-monogamous, though. So now Brad has changed his tune and appears to be more open to the idea. He even reached out to me, suggesting we set up a group chat with him, Pam, me, and his "emotional support goddess," Ra Ra. Suffice to say I did not respond and have told Pam that I have a firm boundary about being involved with Brad in any way due to the confusing nature of her connection with him and his manipulative ways. Pam is respecting that I want this boundary. And she is still planning seeing him again.
Again, all of this has transpired in just over 2 weeks, and it's been a crazy whirlwind roller coaster. I'm of the opinion that if a connection begins that way, run for the hills, because that's only the beginning. But Pam is finding some important lessons through this whole thing, so I'm trying to stay out of it as much as possible. It's hard because I don't want to see her get hurt or manipulated, but I suppose that's none of my business either. It's her journey, and I just have to make sure I'm still feeling satisfied with connection I share with her and support her as I can while having good boundaries.
What are your thoughts about all of this? Have you been in similar situations? What has worked? What hasn't? Appreciate any and all input.
Then Pam met Brad. He wasn't aware she was poly until after their first (intensely intimate) date when she revealed it to him. She then found out he is very anti-non-monogamy, and he was hurt that she wasn't up front with him about her relationship with me. They agreed they'd be better off as friends. Then they continued to talk on the phone for hours at a time and meet up, as if they were still dating (no physical intimacy, but plenty of emotional intimacy). I noticed a big shift in Pam's availability as they both needed a lot of emotional processing with each other about their connection.
I found it very perplexing that Brad still wanted to invest so much time and energy into something that he felt very uncomfortable with. I know they have intense feelings for each other, but after deciding they should be friends, the intensity of those feelings remained and began to affect my relationship with Pam. I had initial concerns about Brad, as did Pam, that centered around his odd way of relating: a lot of projection and "shaman" guru stuff and being kind of an emotional black hole. She actually said she felt "out of her body" when she was with him the first time. He also has great qualities, of course, and makes her feel elated in many ways.
I expressed these concerns once again 2 weeks into their connection and said some things out of frustration that were intrusive to Pam's process around it. She, of course, didn't appreciate that and felt pretty shocked that I was being that way. I was definitely feeling displaced by her new monogamous anti-non-monogamy friend-not-friend, and it was hard to just let things play out, as it seemed like Brad was making some attempts to convince her that non-monogamy "doesn't work" and pull her into his energetic web (from my perspective).
Pam has held her ground on being non-monogamous, though. So now Brad has changed his tune and appears to be more open to the idea. He even reached out to me, suggesting we set up a group chat with him, Pam, me, and his "emotional support goddess," Ra Ra. Suffice to say I did not respond and have told Pam that I have a firm boundary about being involved with Brad in any way due to the confusing nature of her connection with him and his manipulative ways. Pam is respecting that I want this boundary. And she is still planning seeing him again.
Again, all of this has transpired in just over 2 weeks, and it's been a crazy whirlwind roller coaster. I'm of the opinion that if a connection begins that way, run for the hills, because that's only the beginning. But Pam is finding some important lessons through this whole thing, so I'm trying to stay out of it as much as possible. It's hard because I don't want to see her get hurt or manipulated, but I suppose that's none of my business either. It's her journey, and I just have to make sure I'm still feeling satisfied with connection I share with her and support her as I can while having good boundaries.
What are your thoughts about all of this? Have you been in similar situations? What has worked? What hasn't? Appreciate any and all input.