Hi All,
I just need to talk about it, with poly people. Sorry for the long post. I think it might be the end with my boyfriend or should I propose one more solution to our problems?
I’m going to give you a bit about us so you understand what I’m talking about. I’ve been with my husband for 21 years and with my boyfriend for 11 years. We are in a MFM Vee, both my partners (husband and boyfriend) are with me only and nobody has kids. We all have good jobs, both guys make about the same and I’m the one making the most.
Husband and I:
We have lots in common, like to travel, have a garden, both play a musical instrument which require alone practice time, both introverts, obvious life partners, common financial goals, a house together, cats, etc.
BF and I:
We are very opposite, I enjoy a lot our conversations and our different point of view, great sex, etc.
Initially our relationship was very intense. We had a lot of ups and downs, especially being new to poly. He struggled with me having a husband but eventually we worked it out. I was visiting him a few days every week for about the initial 5 years. Over the years, he talked several times about leaving me not because he doesn’t love me but because I was not giving him enough. After several failing attempts to find another woman who would be interested in him (and didn’t seem too messed up or in need of money), he decided to stay with me.
The issues of living too far and the state of his house:
For the past few years, we have not seen each other much. At some point, I was very unhappy at work so I moved within the same company to a new location and my commute became longer and not exactly in the direction to where BF lives (6 years ago). I am much happier at work now which is important to me. About 3 years ago I became ill and needed to focus on my health, I am now much better but I have food restrictions which I need specific food and it’s hard to think about bringing everything with me every time I go. It takes a lot of my energy. After a few years of being together, he moved back to his house (when his ex finally moved out). I really dislike the house, there is a smell in it that comes from the basement that I have a hard time and it feels very cold. And I’m on the road constantly between work (1h05 each way), my parents are 3h away, his house (45 min each way and 1h20 from my work). I just don’t have the energy anymore to visit him at his house. He will not come visit me anymore because he wants alone time with me (see the Sex issue below) and I live with my husband.
His house:
A little more on his house…he bought through a private sell at a much too high price than it was worth. It has been a money pit, needing everything except new kitchen. It needed a new well and a new roof, the septic needs repair or replacement, new siding is needed, the inside has been unfinished, in renovation for the past 8 years, wall, floor, the upstairs floor is like a banana and half the windows are fixed and can’t be opened! He bought it I think in a rush trying to please his ex because she badly wanted to get out of the rental they were in. He is not the best at renovation and he spend all his money so he does not have much money to pay for getting things fixed.
My proposed solution:
I proposed we all move very close to each others (my ideal would be direct neighbors) somewhere between our work. For a while he seemed to have agreed but it would require that he sells his house to get some down payments (as I already have money for a down payment without selling my house). My finances would allow me to own a house with him as well and my husband is ok with this plan. We would do proper paperwork to make sure he would not loose on the house and not have to move out if we broke up. It is a big commitment from my part to offer this.
Sex issue: He does have a sex issue. It was the main issue with his ex. I had to learn to put a lot of limits with him in the first few years. For example, he would not even let me sleep, we could have sex 2-3 times during the day and he would wake me up at night, he said it was out of his control (I would get way too tired and I had to work the next day!!). He can’t think of anything else, he can’t focus half the time when we are in person. Going places/doing fun things are all about either not being in public where he would see a lot of women because he becomes too excited and has a hard time. We also need to always plan for sex otherwise he says it’s too painful for him. I need to let him know ahead of time if sex is out for the day as he says he needs to prepare for it. He recognizes he has a problem but he doesn’t know what to do about it. He doesn’t know if he could live with a woman full time again because of his issues. It seems all he cares about is cuddling and sex, he doesn't seem to feel the need to do other things together. He would do other things because he feels he has to, that it is what normal people do. I have been accepting him. He does say that I know him much better than anybody else because he was able to share a lot with me and I don’t judge him. I know for me I can accept him because I also have a husband for other things and I can always go home when I have enough. I would say that things have calmed down over the years. He does not wake me up anymore but he can't sleep when I'm there so he becomes tired. To be honest, I don't think he would be the guy if I were to be in a monogamous relationship with him.
With all the above said, he wants to breakup because I don’t see him enough (fair enough, I agree I don’t go often enough now). I asked him what is he looking for but he doesn’t know. I asked him why he doesn’t want to buy a house with me and try to fix the problem but he said he is scared of loosing the house. He is not good with paperwork so he would not be able to know what he is signing. I said he could have the paperwork reviewed by someone else but I don’t think he thought of that. He said instead I should get my husband a house and he would come visit me. I get it, a house is a big commitment. I thought I can propose an apartment for a while where we would see each other half the week and see how it is going. He is going on a first date this coming weekend and he kind of broke up with me already before scheduling that date but he says he loves me. He is supposed to let me know how it goes.
Should I try to fix things and propose to him to get an apartment? Or when do you stop trying to make it work?
I just need to talk about it, with poly people. Sorry for the long post. I think it might be the end with my boyfriend or should I propose one more solution to our problems?
I’m going to give you a bit about us so you understand what I’m talking about. I’ve been with my husband for 21 years and with my boyfriend for 11 years. We are in a MFM Vee, both my partners (husband and boyfriend) are with me only and nobody has kids. We all have good jobs, both guys make about the same and I’m the one making the most.
Husband and I:
We have lots in common, like to travel, have a garden, both play a musical instrument which require alone practice time, both introverts, obvious life partners, common financial goals, a house together, cats, etc.
BF and I:
We are very opposite, I enjoy a lot our conversations and our different point of view, great sex, etc.
Initially our relationship was very intense. We had a lot of ups and downs, especially being new to poly. He struggled with me having a husband but eventually we worked it out. I was visiting him a few days every week for about the initial 5 years. Over the years, he talked several times about leaving me not because he doesn’t love me but because I was not giving him enough. After several failing attempts to find another woman who would be interested in him (and didn’t seem too messed up or in need of money), he decided to stay with me.
The issues of living too far and the state of his house:
For the past few years, we have not seen each other much. At some point, I was very unhappy at work so I moved within the same company to a new location and my commute became longer and not exactly in the direction to where BF lives (6 years ago). I am much happier at work now which is important to me. About 3 years ago I became ill and needed to focus on my health, I am now much better but I have food restrictions which I need specific food and it’s hard to think about bringing everything with me every time I go. It takes a lot of my energy. After a few years of being together, he moved back to his house (when his ex finally moved out). I really dislike the house, there is a smell in it that comes from the basement that I have a hard time and it feels very cold. And I’m on the road constantly between work (1h05 each way), my parents are 3h away, his house (45 min each way and 1h20 from my work). I just don’t have the energy anymore to visit him at his house. He will not come visit me anymore because he wants alone time with me (see the Sex issue below) and I live with my husband.
His house:
A little more on his house…he bought through a private sell at a much too high price than it was worth. It has been a money pit, needing everything except new kitchen. It needed a new well and a new roof, the septic needs repair or replacement, new siding is needed, the inside has been unfinished, in renovation for the past 8 years, wall, floor, the upstairs floor is like a banana and half the windows are fixed and can’t be opened! He bought it I think in a rush trying to please his ex because she badly wanted to get out of the rental they were in. He is not the best at renovation and he spend all his money so he does not have much money to pay for getting things fixed.
My proposed solution:
I proposed we all move very close to each others (my ideal would be direct neighbors) somewhere between our work. For a while he seemed to have agreed but it would require that he sells his house to get some down payments (as I already have money for a down payment without selling my house). My finances would allow me to own a house with him as well and my husband is ok with this plan. We would do proper paperwork to make sure he would not loose on the house and not have to move out if we broke up. It is a big commitment from my part to offer this.
Sex issue: He does have a sex issue. It was the main issue with his ex. I had to learn to put a lot of limits with him in the first few years. For example, he would not even let me sleep, we could have sex 2-3 times during the day and he would wake me up at night, he said it was out of his control (I would get way too tired and I had to work the next day!!). He can’t think of anything else, he can’t focus half the time when we are in person. Going places/doing fun things are all about either not being in public where he would see a lot of women because he becomes too excited and has a hard time. We also need to always plan for sex otherwise he says it’s too painful for him. I need to let him know ahead of time if sex is out for the day as he says he needs to prepare for it. He recognizes he has a problem but he doesn’t know what to do about it. He doesn’t know if he could live with a woman full time again because of his issues. It seems all he cares about is cuddling and sex, he doesn't seem to feel the need to do other things together. He would do other things because he feels he has to, that it is what normal people do. I have been accepting him. He does say that I know him much better than anybody else because he was able to share a lot with me and I don’t judge him. I know for me I can accept him because I also have a husband for other things and I can always go home when I have enough. I would say that things have calmed down over the years. He does not wake me up anymore but he can't sleep when I'm there so he becomes tired. To be honest, I don't think he would be the guy if I were to be in a monogamous relationship with him.
With all the above said, he wants to breakup because I don’t see him enough (fair enough, I agree I don’t go often enough now). I asked him what is he looking for but he doesn’t know. I asked him why he doesn’t want to buy a house with me and try to fix the problem but he said he is scared of loosing the house. He is not good with paperwork so he would not be able to know what he is signing. I said he could have the paperwork reviewed by someone else but I don’t think he thought of that. He said instead I should get my husband a house and he would come visit me. I get it, a house is a big commitment. I thought I can propose an apartment for a while where we would see each other half the week and see how it is going. He is going on a first date this coming weekend and he kind of broke up with me already before scheduling that date but he says he loves me. He is supposed to let me know how it goes.
Should I try to fix things and propose to him to get an apartment? Or when do you stop trying to make it work?
