Poly and rules

F

Fleur-Du-Mal

New member
Recently became polyamorous . It has alway been who i am, but was bringing me lots of shame. Which lead to my depression for years. My husband (12 years) and i are starting to find our balance. My friend with whom i have had a strong bond became my partner. We developed strong feelings quickly. My husband accepted to have me create a relationship with him under 2 rules. 1) he needs to get hiv std tested on date 1 (swab box from cvs) 2) he needs to get the std full panel after 2nd date. This has been a problem because my new partner is stubborn. He says he has nothing (been married and monogamous 12 years. He hates feeling “forced.” But i have to get him tested. Yet he shuts down….he hates feeling forced…this has been creating a lot of anxiety in me.I feel stuck….
What kind rules do you guys about stds and sex?
Thanks
 
After reading some advice here I've swapped rules for guidelines. My Nesting Partner still feels we can call something a rule but have room for discussion.

However you look at it there's always room for discussion but the polite/right thing to do is have that discussion early.

IF this approach to sexual health was what made your husband agree to try poly and already you're pushing back because your new partner says no I - personally - think you should show your husband he can trust you and the partner by following through.

If you two are going to make it through opening up your relationship you need to be able to trust eachother. If you decide the new partner's wishes outweigh the decisions you've agreed to with your husband what do you think that means about how safe, respected or cared for your husband is going to feel moving forward?

STI tests are good, your new partner should be happy to have 1. It's almost a bit strange he's so defensive, it's not an insult to him to suggest it - it's a sign of wanting to keep you safe.

Understanding you and your husband are at the beginning of this journey and the new partner is stuck on how he feels. He doesn't sound very understanding or like he cares for much besides his own wishes.

Unprotected sex is not a given right in sexually open relationships. No-one is forcing him to have a test but I wouldn't allow ANYONE to have unprotected sex with me unless they a) had a test and b) we were in a closed circle (for example I have unprotected sex with both my guys, neither has unprotected sex with anyone-else nor do I).

Others may come out in favour of your new partner's autonomy but I think your husband is being reasonable.

Perhaps a midground is your new partner is not going to be 'forced' to take a test but sexual activity will be dialed down and 100% safe until both you and he take tests.
 
Last edited:
Welcome.

I think it is reasonable to get tested.

Though I identify as poly, we've been closed through parenting/eldercare. If/when I get to the dating again place, it's one of the things I'd have to do. Get updated panels.

I get your husband wanting to be informed of health panels because if he shares sex with you, he's connected to whoever you are sharing sex with. This is why people make safer sex agreements around getting labs, condoms, etc. That part is reasonabale.

I do not get why your husband picks WHEN new partner get tests though. What difference does it make 1st date or 2nd date? You can't have a date that doesn't include sexual activity? Can't the new partner figure out when to go to the clinic on his own? Your husband has to manage his calendar for him? That part is not reasonable.

And let's be honest. It's not about the number of dates. It's about sharing sex.

I could get my clean test results Monday, go fuck around with lots of people Tuesday- Thurs and get whatever germs, and show you clean lab results on our date Friday. But meh, because it's only up to date of testing. It won't show whatever I was doing Tues - Thurs.

*shrug*

Ultimately it is about building trust in the new poly grouping.

He hates feeling “forced.” But i have to get him tested. Yet he shuts down….he hates feeling forced…this has been creating a lot of anxiety in me.I feel stuck….
Click to expand...

You don't have to get him tested. Why is that your job? You have to tell him your limit. He can be in charge of himself.

Could tell him "You decide when to get tested then. But I need you to know that I don't share sex with people without using condoms and seeing a recent panel."

He can date you and not share sex.

Or if he eventually wants to share sex with you, he can respect your limit and do what needs doing. Also ask to see your stuff.

It's just part of the dating process -- getting to know each other, see what lines up and what doesn't, build trust, sex health hygiene, etc.

Additionally, until the trust is built... will you be using condoms with husband as well?

DH doesn't love the idea because we've both enjoyed fluid bonded time together for a long time. But if we Open again, and I'm seeing people and use condoms there, and if he sees people and uses condoms there, maybe best use condoms with each other also in case there's a breech somewhere. Cuz if you love someone, you try to protect them.

I don't love the idea either but hey... Until the trust is there inside the new polycule to loosen up some stuff? Why NOT use them? What's so horrible about practicing safer sex?

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
I hate feeling forced, too. I don't want to adhere to rules that other people have made about me in my relationships. I'm not dating them, I'm dating my partners. Even with partners, I don't like something laid out to me as a rule I have to follow. I'd prefer to come to agreements with them.

However, I'm also not an irresponsible childish person and I care very much that my partner is healthy and happy. It's not a big deal for me to get an STI panel for their sake, even though I know I haven't had any risks since my last clear tests. But if it takes any worry off the table for my partner, I'll happily take it.

I also like knowing about my own health, not just thinking I know. If I was more sexually active than I currently am, I'd actually schedule regular testing.

I suspect your partner is being stubborn because of the way you told him about this. Too late to turn back the clock now, but you could try again with the notion of it being important to you that you see results before you will have sex with him without a condom. You could get your own tests done and share the results with him as well - lead by example.
 
His priority should be the test to minimize giving anything to you. It’s all about the sales pitch.
 
Fleur-Du-Mal said:
My husband accepted to have me create a relationship with him under 2 rules. 1) he needs to get hiv std tested on date 1 (swab box from cvs) 2) he needs to get the std full panel after 2nd date.
Click to expand...

I take it both you and your husband are both getting the same testing under the same deadline/criteria?
 
Marcus said:
I take it both you and your husband are both getting the same testing under the same deadline/criteria?
Click to expand...
He has no time for a relationship, so I am the first one to “try this out.” But yes, he would be under the same rule. Though, i think i could be more flexible with timelines. Is this a little too much? I m on date 3 technically! I feel like i cannot see a future with my bf because he does not sound like he wants to get tested right away. This pisses my husband off….It confuses me because i don’t see what is the big deal to get tested. I even got a home box to make it easy on him.
 
Fleur-Du-Mal said:
I m on date 3 technically! I feel like i cannot see a future with my bf because he does not sound like he wants to get tested right away.....

It confuses me because i don’t see what is the big deal to get tested. I even got a home box to make it easy on him.
Click to expand...

It's not a big deal - it seems like a really big red flag to me. 3 dates he's still just a boyfriend or a crush even - if he's digging his heals in and pushing your boundaries I doubt this attitude is going to soften or become more appealing as the relationship deepens.
 
I m on date 3 technically! I feel like i cannot see a future with my bf because he does not sound like he wants to get tested right away.
Click to expand...
This pisses my husband off….It confuses me because i don’t see what is the big deal to get tested. I even got a home box to make it easy on him.
Click to expand...

I see three things here.

In the other thread you talk about the up and downy break ups. This early on? And already so much tumult? Maybe this one just isn't a runner. If there's no romantic future with this BF, why's it a big deal to you? It's only been 3 dates. Not everyone you date is gonna be a long haul runner. Are you letting NRE lalas cloud your view?

You aren't doing that 3 dates = sex thing are you? Cuz not everyone is into that. One doesn't measure readiness to share sex by date number.

Why is husband pissed? Are you telling him too many things and then he ends up taking your feelings on board for himself? If he is not good at detangling and you haven't done it either, then he might aim all his anger at the "outsider BF" as the source of the ruckus. Rather than at you because whether or not there is ruckus? The one bringing it to DH is YOU. He's not the one dating BF. Past calendar and sex health hygiene info, why would he need to know what's going on with you and BF?

It's ok to be a newbie, but leaking stuff from one side of the V on the other is sloppy hinge stuff. You might want to work on that area in future.

What's BF mad about? That your husband dictates how this goes? And rather than be mad at you, the new GF, he's gonna be mad at that "outsider husband?" Because the husband is overstepping trying to be the boss of this dyad or the boss of you? And you agree just to get to poly without realizing how intrusive it is to have DH say what goes on in (you + BF) part of the polyship? When really if husband is overstepping bounds, the one who is supposed to tell him to cut that out that is YOU?

Did BF ask you to get a home box for him? Or is this an unexpected, unasked for, unwanted thing that just makes him feel like you and husband want to railroad him into going faster than he's ready to go? Would it be any different if he wasn't ready to share sex yet, and you buy him a box a condoms as a present like you are trying to hurry up getting into his pants?

If he's coming out of a long term marriage? It may take him a bit to realize this is just sex health hygiene and not a comment on him or his wife like they sleep around with the world or something.

And if he's just not ready to share sex?

You have a choice.
  • You date him and don't share sex right now. Slow down. Wait until he is ready to take that step and he goes to test. You can't RUSH people into sex. They get to give their consent.
  • You stop dating him. Instead of doing up and downy break ups, you let the break up stick and just BE broken up.

Like I said... it's just 3 dates. It isn't like you can't go out to find other people to poly date who might be more compatible. You may be discovering that this friend turned BF is actually best as friend only. Or discovering you have some work to do growing skills first before trying again. Or a mix of things going on here.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Wait, wait, you're on *date three* and you've already had multiple tumultuous breakups? IMO I'd bail out now, there is NO situation in which this is going to get better.
 
Fleur-Du-Mal said:
He has no time for a relationship, so I am the first one to “try this out.” But yes, he would be under the same rule. Though, i think i could be more flexible with timelines. Is this a little too much? I m on date 3 technically! I feel like i cannot see a future with my bf because he does not sound like he wants to get tested right away. This pisses my husband off….It confuses me because i don’t see what is the big deal to get tested. I even got a home box to make it easy on him.
Click to expand...

That is not what I'm suggesting. I am not saying that, in the event your husband decides to date someone, that new person will also have to get tested.

What I am saying is, if this is actually a concern for sexual health, and it is not only reasonable but expected that the new person should get tested when they enter a relationship with you, wouldn't it also be reasonable that YOU and your husband would also need to get tested for this new persons benefit?

If it is only a cost of entry, and you and your husband are exempt from proving to your new partner that YOU are safe and clean, then it is just a power play. Your husband is putting up a barrier to entry for your new person, and you are capitulating to this barrier. Your husband is stating to your new person, and presumably all new people who would ask for entry, that he is in charge and that if they want access to you they have to follow his rules.

Now, if sexual health is actually the concern, and the sexual health of everyone involved is just as important, then if it is reasonable that one person should be tested it is reasonable that all parties involved get tested. So if I were your new friend, I would ask you this question, and your response would tell me that I need to bend the knee to your husband... and I would tip my hat to you and bid you good day.
 
I love this forum because it helps me see different viewpoints. My husband was just scared to catch something because of my new partner. We agreed to have me tested also with my bf. We always used condoms. I am already intimate with my bf. truth is we have had some kind of emotional affair for 5 months, before i opened my marriage. My husband knew about this. But my bf being an independent, strong man, i can see why he shut down after i said testing was a requirement to be able to keep me…..i see how i was clumsy buying the box without his consent…and why he got upset. Lots of room for improvement here. I was upset because i thought he refused to get tested bc he did not care about me….and we broke up because of this…. And then got back together…. I know i sound immature.
 
Glad it helps you some and you are able to see where there is room for improvement.

Really? It's just hygiene. Long term couples or groups can loosen up some things when the new trust is there. But at the start of a new grouping? ALL of you could go get tested. ALL of you could start to use condoms and other measures again.

If you already started sharing sex and need to catch up the labs? Fine. Everyone catch up their labs. You, DH, BF, his wife. Whoever is impacted by sex in this grouping.

I have given this to all my kids. Honestly, I think any adult could read it. Esp if coming out of long term marriage that's been fluid bonded and the only safer sex practice has been "We just don't share sex with others." When that situation changes, your sex health hygiene practices also have to change.

S.E.X., second edition: The All-You-Need-To-Know Sexuality Guide to Get You Through Your Teens and Twenties​


And catch up some poly prep work if you didn't do it before because this all started as an emotional affair.

https://practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html

https://practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html

There are others, but could start there.

Have you and DH having done the work to heal from that kind of a start -- an emotional affair? If not, catch that up also.

I was upset because i thought he refused to get tested bc he did not care about me
Click to expand...

You might consider putting things in order. Then it helps you see what needs to happen.
  • He refused.
    • I thought he refused because he doesn't care about me.
      • Thinking that upset me.
  • But wait... did I ASK why he declined? Or did I get all caught up in my own head/feelings? Maybe I should ask him?

Maybe he thought you didn't care about him because it felt pushy and railroad-y or couple privilege-y. Both could learn to ask clarifying questions first rather than jumping to conclusions and getting all upset and lost in that.

You and BF may have to sort out how you communicate and do conflict resolution management better if you are going to keep trying. Every disagreement cannot end like "Fine! We are broken up then!"

You might consider reading

Living Nonviolent Communication: Practical Tools to Connect and Communicate Skillfully in Every Situation​

for better communication whether or not you stay with this BF.

HTH!
Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Hello Fleur-Du-Mal,

My opinion on this aspect of your situation, is that it is fair to ask/expect all four of you to get updated testing on all of the STD's/STI's. You, your husband, your boyfriend, and his wife. All four of you are now linked in a sexual chain, this is a new reality for all four of you, and it calls for new measures to be taken. Your husband was the first person to raise concerns about this, but it doesn't matter which of you was first to raise them. The concerns have been raised, and now the four you need to respond by getting tested.

Having said that, I do have a problem with this idea that an HIV test is due on the first date, and everything else is due on the second date. That is too controlling. A more reasonable approach would be to say that you and your boyfriend will not have (any more) sex until all four of you have been thoroughly tested. With the understanding that all four of you will try to get tested as soon as possible. When framed in that way, your boyfriend should be willing to go along with it. If he's not willing to go along with it, then you should seriously consider breaking up with him for good.

All of the posts in this thread (and in your other thread) contain excellent thoughts and advice. I recommend re-reading all of them, and thinking about how you can implement them in your situation.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
My bf was first ok with the testing. He hated the though of the hiv swab on the first date, but was a trooper and did it. We laughed about it and went on with our date. We have been using condoms. Always. We have been talking about getting tested and ditching condoms. I would try to ask for a specific date, but he would never give me an answer. I tried to rush things up and make this happen. Bought a home std testing box for him and i, and asked him to do it on next date, so that we could get this out if the way. Bc it had been a while since we last saw each other, he asked to do it on the next next date instead. But he always pushes things back and things never happen. He said, i had too many rules and stipulations popping up about testing etc.
 
Are you sure this is someone you're going to be compatible with for an ongoing ethical relationship? Engaging in emotional affair, push back on basic health steps, and constantly changing the goal posts add up to a whole lot of no thanks, personally.

You're changing the rules of engagement for being in a relationship with you based on input from someone else, so I get him being put off by presentation (future tip - always present things by saying YOU want/ need, not that your husband wants/ needs) but really. Testing is noninvasive, not painful, and so so necessary because even with condoms and monogamy... shit happens. He had an emotional affair with you. Who knows what everyone else has been up to as well!
 
I agree with AlwaysGrowing. Testing is easy to do. It is not something your boyfriend should be putting off, there is no good reason for him to put it off ... other than I guess he wants to be the one calling all the shots. Is there some other reason why he is refusing to get tested?
 
Yes….. he does not like people to dictate him…..and also, did not want to go to the clinic bc he was being tracked…which is why i bought the home test kit.
If he has another gf, i m cool with it. We talked about that already. He is not interested in anybody. So, him “cheating on me” is not the reason why he is refusing it. I bet he will do it once we talk about it in person. Having this talk through snapchat was a mistake, and i sounded very controlling about when/why he needed to be tested. It was my bad! Pretty sure he would have done it, just like the hiv test.
 
If he will do it once you talk about it in person, I will have no complaints. It does sound like Snapchat is a really problematic way to try to communicate.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top