Possible polyamory situation? (Long one!)

[Shadow King]

Here is my situation - sorry if it's a bit too long and if some details are unnecessary. I really don't know how important background story can be in this case.
I'd like to hear Your opinion on it, whether it's common or uncommon, and how should I deal with it. Also if it bears polyamorous characteristics or am I just projecting, rationalizing and looking for excuse?
Maybe someone has similar experiences?

Interesting plot twist near the end!

Disclaimer 1: until several days ago I didn't know the "polyamory" word, and I didn't know that it's even a thing.
Disclaimer 2: this situation is still in progress and I have no idea if it will have happy or sad ending.

So...
Me and my wife are together for ~15 years and 6 years married.
We have a 5 yo son, we are happy and we love each other very much. There were usual ups and downs but our relationship holds up very well.
AND - surprise, surprise - there is The Girl (I'll refer to her like that in here).
She was around us since the beginning, because she is part of my wife's family - one of her far cousins. She is younger than us. My wife and her were always close together, they talked on the phone often, went to mall shopping etc.
(To cut speculations - no, it is not about them directly, they are just friends/family, nothing more). The Girl often showed up at our house on various occasions (or without), or we met at family reunions and so on.
For major part of those 15 years I never paid any "special" attention to The Girl. Usual stuff, just "hi" "hello" "how's it going" "nice weather" small talk.
Everything changed about 2 years ago, when - for no particular reason - we started to talk more. We spent more and more time on the side - just two of us - e.g. drinking beer and just talking. My wife was aware of that but never did anything about it. She didn't express any kind of jealousy neither. Ones or twice she just commented with "You really do like Her, don't You?" but without any bitterness in her voice, quite the opposite - she sounded amused and even tender - something parents would say observing kids holding hands in the playground.
But, back to me and The Girl. It turned into "a-bit-too-close-friendship" before we knew it - everyday texting, messenger. Of course I knew I was totally in love with her by that point, just tried hard to convince myself otherwise as I was not OK with starting an affair. One thing was weird for me though. I expected that "new" love/affection would slowly replace and suppress existing one but opposite happened to me. As I fell in love with The Girl I started simultaneously to fall even more in love with my wife. It started to feel like this 15 years ago again - literally everything improved. Everyday closure, "accidental" hand grabs, hugs, overall tenderness and - of course - "bedtime". Our relationship was great before, but now - since "The Girl" - it started to skyrocket.
BUT - about 3 months ago - things went south.
The Girl quite suddenly decided to back off. She distanced herself and "went cold". She also asked me to not contact her anymore and leave her be. She didn't want to get involved in this type of romance.
I understood her but I just couldn't let her go - it hurt me way more than I expected. So, after being too insistent and pushy I got blocked on all channels of communication with her and she ghosted me.
I admit it was totally my fault. I know ghosting is not cool move but I fully deserved it so I don't blame her. The worst part about it is that You loose all means to talk, negotiate, apologize and fix.

And now I am total mess. Like two people in one. On one hand I'm devastated and heartbroken and super-sad and I miss The Girl horribly. And I mean all by-the-book symptoms of love-sickness and rejection pain.
But on the other hand - despite my loss of The Girl - closure with my wife kept improving even more! Almost like all love and emotions towards The Girl - even if unrequited - work as a boost or catalyst for my feelings to my wife.
So, let me ask You at this point - can it be some kind of hallmark of me being polyamorous here?

Anyway, my wife isn't stupid nor blind and she quite early noticed I'm "not-well" to say the least.
She didn't initially tie it to The Girl - she rather suspected that I got into serious, financial, possibly criminal problems or that I got diagnosed with some terminal ilness (imagine what it tells about my looks).
So, she pressed and I finally broke and confessed to her about everything - falling in love with The Girl, texting and about her dumping me.
I LITERALLY told my wife that I still love Her a lot and that I also love The Girl a lot at the same time, and that I have no words nor means to explain that (remember - no idea about polyamory then).
I was terrified that our marriage will be over after that conversation but I decided to risk it and go full honesty.

And here comes the plot twist. My wife felt hurt but NOT surprised. She asked me to tell entire story in details. After that she said that she knows stuff like that happen, that feelings are complicated, that often we have no control over our hearts. Than she said understands my pain and that she will try to accept it for now.
AND finally - what was most shocking for me - she offered herself to act as a mediator between Me and The Girl to help repair our relationship at least to friendship level.
My wife is my final and only chance and link to talk to The Girl. How crazy it is?

That's the current state of the story. Nothing concluded yet. For now my wife made some initial arrangements to go shopping with The Girl "someday soon".
I'm just sitting now with my guts twisted and waiting like for court verdict :/

Final thoughts:
Now, after I learned about polyamory, should I talk to my wife and introduce her to this concept too? Should I tell her: "I think it may apply to me, are You ready to try to embrace it"?
What are Your opinions on my Wife's behavior?

Ask me anything, I have nothing more to add for now. Congratulations if You got this far

Please discuss.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Shadow King,

It seems to me that you had the potential makings of a polyamorous relationship, it just never quite came together. It's real simple. Polyamory = "relationships in which any one person is romantically involved with two or more other people, with their knowledge and consent." You had everything except the knowledge/consent part. You didn't have Your Wife's consent because she didn't quite know what was going on. You didn't have The Girl's consent because she didn't know it could morph into a polyamorous situation. The Girl thought it was a germinating affair (and I guess at the time it was). You certainly seem to be perfectly able to love (and to be in love with) more than one person at a time.

For now, my advice is to do nothing. Wait until Your Wife has been able to repair the damage between you and The Girl. Once that process is complete, and you have a platonic friendship with The Girl, then sit down with Your Wife, and tell her that you have learned about something called polyamory, and that you are interested in it. Ask Your Wife to think about it, and to let you know if it's something she might be able to consent to. If she asks, tell her that you would certainly like it if The Girl could be a second partner, but that would only be if Your Wife and The Girl both consented to such a thing.

Again, there will be a waiting period. Your Wife will need some time to think about what she is and isn't willing to consent to. Unless she feels so strongly opposed to polyamory that she immediately forbids it. That could happen. Or, maybe she will feel uncertain about it, and after a few weeks she might be willing to have you ask her what her current state of mind is. This could actually evolve into a process where the two of you talk about it every few weeks for quite a while. It might take her as much as a year to decide one way or another. Who knows.

If Your Wife decides she can consent to polyamory, and if she even decides that she can consent to polyamory with The Girl as your second partner, then you can sit down with The Girl and tell her that you and Your Wife have been discussing polyamory and that Your Wife has consented to it. You may then say to The Girl that you would like her to be in the picture if that is something she would also want. And that if that isn't something she would also want, that you would just hope that you and she could remain friends. Then there may be another waiting period, while The Girl thinks it over. Or maybe she will shoot it down right out of the starting gate. I don't know.

Mind you, these are just suggestions, and I can't promise you emotional or situational safety. Any one of these steps that you might take could result in some serious hurt feelings, yours and theirs. Love is always risky, and the path to polyamory is risky too. You just have to decide if your interest in it is intense enough to make it worth the risk. You may even want to do just the steps described above that do not involve The Girl. Once (and if) you have a platonic friendship established with The Girl, you may not want to take the chance of maybe losing that friendship.

Think about it (and keep posting here).
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[3908]

welcome to the forum.

your wife seems more open than my wife. i am in a "Christian" marriage. to my wife poly is bad and she says I am in an addiction, or it is not safe thinking, or other similar comments.
I have been very open to her.

I have even come to terms with the idea that she could have a boyfriend with feelings and that would be ok. she has said i am being very disrespectful to her to suggest that she could have a boyfriend. one time she pushed the conversation far and asked if i was ok with her having sex with another man, i said if it got to that point and he is a safe man then i don't think i would have a problem with it, but i would not ask details.
I am the worst husband for saying I was ok with this.

I would experience Compersion, the enjoyment knowing my wife is experiencing/enjoying someone else and they are enjoying her. i know this from my own self-discovery thinking.

we are at a place where we dont talk about poly, but we have a normally very open ability to talk about anything, except poly.

she has wanted me to denounce poly as bad but i can't. i say that even the i can't experience it, i support others on their journey.

you discuss your relationship with your wife seemed to get better while and since you have been with the girl, this is interesting to me...i think it would be true for me Aswell, i wish i could explore that more. at one point my wife was ok with me spending time with some of her female friends, and alltho it was not poly or a relationship, just friends...the time i had spent felt like dates and when i got home i felt closer to my wife.
I am interested if you can share more detail about how you think your relationship with your wife has improved with the connection to the girl.

3908

 

[powerpuffgrl1969]

I'm sorry for nitpicking, but this other person is not "The Girl." She is a woman; don't infantalize her.

Being a fully-formed person in her own right, she has made it clear she wants nothing more to do with you. Your wife interceding on your behalf is a TERRIBLE idea.

Maybe you are Poly. That's a separate issue that you have to work out on your own and discuss with your wife. The other woman is out of it. If she has gone so far as to block you, let her be.

 

[GalaGirl]

FWIW?

Here's my opinion. I could be wrong in my impression. I mean all this kindly ok?

I think you call it right. It was "a-bit-too-close-friendship." Maybe even an emotional affair. It was not ethical, consenting polyamory at this point in time. And it ended. Let it stay that way.

Right now? If you don't tell wife not to interfere? I think you are at risk of coming across like a person who wouldn't take "no" for an answer, who has now recruited his wife to keep on pestering a lady who wants to be left alone. Doesn't matter if wife offered to help patch things up. Not her place nor her job to do that work. You could remind wife that The Girl wants no contact and wants to be left alone. And that you don't want wife to do anything you. There's nothing to fix here.

Girl wants no contact. You both could respect The Girl's limit.

I get that you hurt with the break up, and you are struggling with new feelings about your possible poly-ness with no place to put them yet... but don't make things worse just because you are dealing in break up grief and kinda flailing about with it.

Say it really was a poly romance. Listen to how it sounds...

• A poly GF breaks up with you.
• Rather than accepting it with grace? You behave poorly.
• So she cuts off all conversation channels and tries to ghost to be rid of you.
• You can't deal with the break up grief appropriately.
• So you go send your wife around to convince your ex not to dump you and to keep it going.
• Now wife is ignoring her "No" and pestering her.

What part of that is appropriate behavior? When not just one person but TWO people don't respect someone's "No?" What is awesome about this? Who would looooove to receive these behaviors?

Plus, it's totally NORMAL to feel sad at a break up. You don't have to do anything to "fix" it because there's nothing wrong with you.

Could simply sit with the discomfort. Be willing to experience the sad emotions, let time pass, and let things fade down.

I think the experience made you realize that yes, you might be poly. You certainly can have strong feelings for two people concurrently. What you do with this knew self knowledge? Again... could take it slow.

She was around us since the beginning, because she is part of my wife's family - one of her far cousins. She is younger than us. My wife and her were always close together, they talked on the phone often, went to mall shopping etc.

To me? There are certain people that are just too messy to take up with. I don't want DH dating my boss, my parents, siblings, other relatives, best friend, etc. There's plenty of people to poly date without going right for the messy ones.

For me? The Girl being wife's relative would have automatically put her on the "messy people" list. I would not have let it become a "pseudo romance" or an "emotional affair" on the side.

Everything changed about 2 years ago, when - for no particular reason - we started to talk more. We spent more and more time on the side - just two of us - e.g. drinking beer and just talking. My wife was aware of that but never did anything about it.

Why would it be her job to do anything about? It is your job to make your behavior choices, not wife's.

But, back to me and The Girl. It turned into "a-bit-too-close-friendship" before we knew it - everyday texting, messenger. Of course I knew I was totally in love with her by that point, just tried hard to convince myself otherwise as I was not OK with starting an affair.

So... is it that you need more practice being emotionally honest with yourself?

And now you learned that if you spend a lot of time with someone, you will get emotionally attached?

The Girl quite suddenly decided to back off. She distanced herself and "went cold". She also asked me to not contact her anymore and leave her be. She didn't want to get involved in this type of romance.

Sounds like she realized this was getting too weird for her. And tried to end it decently.

I understood her but I just couldn't let her go - it hurt me way more than I expected. So, after being too insistent and pushy I got blocked on all channels of communication with her and she ghosted me.

Then you behaved poorly so she had to be firmer and cut you off and ghost.

I was terrified that our marriage will be over after that conversation but I decided to risk it and go full honesty.

I think this part was good. Being up front and emotionally honest with your wife.

If all it takes to break your marriage is you having some crush? Why is that?

Maybe this experience is calling you and wife to a different understanding of your vows. To me? When people take traditional marriage vows and say they are going to forsake all others? It doesn't mean they can't feel attraction for people or don't notice beauty in the world. They aren't blind, deaf, or dead. It means they promise not to pursue other people.

Here? I think some of it caught you off guard and then some of it you were in denial about so you ran it right up to the edge without quite tipping over. Or at least, not anything that can't be retracted. Could call it lesson learned.

Your wife is being understanding and not making a huge deal about it. So now you can rest easier in your mind and just grieve the break up without trying to hide it. That's good, right? And now you know that just having a crush won't ruin your marriage. Also good, right?

AND finally - what was most shocking for me - she offered herself to act as a mediator between Me and The Girl to help repair our relationship at least to friendship level. My wife is my final and only chance and link to talk to The Girl. How crazy it is?

Even if wife offers? You could tell wife "No, thanks. Don't do that. That is not appropriate behavior. I want to respect The Girl saying "No" and leave her alone like she asked."

I get that you are hurting, but you know what? If you are poly? That's gonna happen sometimes. One relationship is going well, and then another relationship ends and you have to deal with break up grief.

I think it could be best if you just deal with your break up feelings appropriately on your own without chasing after The Girl or involving your wife in it. The Girl has been clear in her "No." It's not your job's wife to fix your other relationships for you. Don't be a CoupleBlob. Detangle some.

That's the current state of the story. Nothing concluded yet. For now my wife made some initial arrangements to go shopping with The Girl "someday soon".

I think wife could leave her own relationship with The Girl at shopping, being distant cousin friends, etc. And that's it.

Final thoughts:
Now, after I learned about polyamory, should I talk to my wife and introduce her to this concept too? Should I tell her: "I think it may apply to me, are You ready to try to embrace it"?
What are Your opinions on my Wife's behavior?

I think after you heal some, that would be the better path. Talk to your wife about polyamory. Could take some time to prepare and educate self so the next experience isn't so... weird. It's actually listed as a pitfall. People jumping in when not really educated or prepared.

Could say something like...

"Wife, I think the crush I had on The Girl was an eye opener. I don't want to pursue her. I want to let it go. But I do want to talk to you about polyamory. I think I have some polyamorous feelings. Can we talk about that? I need help sorting out my thoughts and feelings and coming to terms with this side of me I didn't know was there."

And then you talk.

• Maybe wife agrees to open up a bit to hear about your poly thoughts and feelings so you stop going around bottled up. And you both agree that for now? The relationship model just stays as you and wife. And maybe it stays that way permanently, but you can breathe more easily in the marriage. You can be authentic, and know your wife loves ALL of you, and not just parts of you.
• Maybe later, you both consider opening the marriage and try to educate yourselves first. Not just jumping in.
• And THEN you try to practice polyamory of some kind in an ethical way.

Whatever it ends up being?

At least then it's more straight up and deliberate. People all consenting and on the same page.

Rather than "floating along" into "grey area" things like the whole thing with The Girl. And then ending up in over your head due to lack of knowledge, preparation, etc.

Slow down some. Be ok being sad for a time. Do some poly reading. Including how to deal with break up grief with more grace. That's my suggestion.

My 2 cents,
Galagirl

 

[Token2]

I read this as perhaps it could be the spark for you and your wife with poly but that you should accept that it's over with her distant cousin.

Use it as a catalyst to explore possibly opening your relationship (for your wife as well) but keep things clean.

 

[Hanky]

Agreeing to have your wife scheme on a woman for you who has already blocked you is a pathetic way of behaving bro.

 

[Inaniel]

The Girl quite suddenly decided to back off. She distanced herself and "went cold". She also asked me to not contact her anymore and leave her be. She didn't want to get involved in this type of romance.
I understood her but I just couldn't let her go - it hurt me way more than I expected. So, after being too insistent and pushy I got blocked on all channels of communication with her and she ghosted me.
I admit it was totally my fault. I know ghosting is not cool move but I fully deserved it so I don't blame her. The worst part about it is that You loose all means to talk, negotiate, apologize and fix.

Did this person do something to deserve such disrespect? Or are you just incapable of seeing beyond yourself? Relaying messages through your wife now that this person has cut you off is stalking behavior. I find that concerning...

Your wife did not specifically consent to this emotional affair, it is not polyamory. So far you have demonstrated that you are secretive and entirely incapable of respecting the boundaries of others. I would not ever poly with someone who posses those characteristics. Because you are ill equipped for polyamory those are the things you should focus on. I know you are distracted with the revaluation that you can love more than one person but that quite honestly is the easiest part of poly; the logistics, honesty, respect, and emotional fortitude are where the rubber meets the road..

I cannot help but feel bad for this woman. She has blocked you from communicating with her in every way she can. People don't just do that for no reason. And now you are sending a trojan horse to trick her into communicating with you through your wife. Since you do not understand how inappropriate this is I will try to emphasize the reasons why:

- You are completely disregarding her boundaries.
- You are engaging in stalking behavior which can be dangerous and illegal if taken far enough.
- You are engaging in deception and manipulation by using your wife as a trojan horse.
- You are placing a much greater priority on your own desires compared to the needs of others. (That is not a loving behavior)

In conclusion, after reading your post I ask myself: Could this person be polyamorous? And I think surely not, hopefully this is an obsession and not an example of how this person treats loved ones.

I truly hope your wife changes her mind about involving herself in this.

 

[Bluebird]

You were having an emotional affair. This is not polyamory. You could potentially could be polyamorous, but that is something to explore without this woman. (I agree that calling her The Girl is inappropriate - she’s not a child.) Having your wife talk to her with a hidden agenda is not okay - you’re turning into a stalker. I understand desperately wanting to get back what you thought you had together, but it’s not healthy to pursue.

I suggest sitting in your sorrow and working through that for a time. Talk to your wife more about polyamory, and read some books together about it. Maybe it will continue to bring you closer, or maybe you’ll discover it’s not for you. What you did previously was unethical and you should definitely put the brakes on that sort of behavior moving forward.