Help coordinating polyamory

[vxnusflytrap]

Hello everyone,

This is Venus, I just joined this forum so I'm pleased to meet you all!

The reason I'm typing this post is because since I'm new to polyamory, I need a little help/advice on how to steer a polyam relationship.

A little background information: I've been in a monogamous relationship with my current partner for over two years now and I finally decided to explore my polyamorous side. My partner's absolutely fine with it, we communicate really well with each other about it and trust each other immensely. So there's no problems in that area.
Anyways, a few months back, I got in contact with a guy through Instagram and we hit it off immediately. We're at a point now where we both know that we like each other, we text each other first thing in the morning until we fall asleep. I feel really really good when I'm talking to him. But nothing serious is going on between us yet.

The thing is now that I told him about me being poly and he doesn't like it. He has trauma from previous relationships and therefore has a lot of trouble with jealousy and possessiveness and all that stuff. I've talked to him about his troubles a few times and tried to tell him that I'm not someone who can be owned because I'm no one's property. He understands it and respects it, but he doesn't like the thought of "sharing" me with someone else. Which I get, yet I feel like he doesn't really understand polyamory the way that I do. He has nothing against it but he's monogamous.
Another thing is that I'm based in Europe and he's based in the US, so it would be a long distance relationship if anything happens between us.

Now I'm conflicted. I really feel like we'd be great together. I really do like him and he told me he has opened up to me like he hasn't done to anyone before. Which I really appreciate. But I'm just so unsure about how to proceed with him.

Has anyone been in the same or a similar situation before?

Thank you so much in advance!

-Venus

 

[ref2018]

What would be your ideal outcome?

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle.

Anyways, a few months back, I got in contact with a guy through Instagram and we hit it off immediately.

And did he know you have a partner of 2 years at that point in time? Or did he think you were single?

We're at a point now where we both know that we like each other, we text each other first thing in the morning until we fall asleep. I feel really really good when I'm talking to him. But nothing serious is going on between us yet.

Ok. So very chatty friends.

The thing is now that I told him about me being poly and he doesn't like it. He has trauma from previous relationships and therefore has a lot of trouble with jealousy and possessiveness and all that stuff. I've talked to him about his troubles a few times and tried to tell him that I'm not someone who can be owned because I'm no one's property. He understands it and respects it, but he doesn't like the thought of "sharing" me with someone else.

So he's basically telling you that he doesn't want to poly date you and this isn't gonna be a runner.

Could thank him for being up front and honest about it.

Which I get, yet I feel like he doesn't really understand polyamory the way that I do. He has nothing against it but he's monogamous.

So if he has nothing against poly... just prefers monogamy for himself? Why does he need to understand it like you do? He doesn't want any for him.

Is it that you are having a hard time accepting his "No, thanks. Don't want to poly date you" answer?

He wants to leave the relationship at friends and you wanted to change it to poly dating?

Now I'm conflicted. I really feel like we'd be great together. I really do like him and he told me he has opened up to me like he hasn't done to anyone before. Which I really appreciate. But I'm just so unsure about how to proceed with him.

I could be wrong. But it doesn't sound like conflict. It sounds like disappointment that this won't turn into dating.

You are bummed out. You like him a lot and were secretly hoping but... He's monogamous, doesn't want to poly date, and even if he did? The LDR thing could become a drag so all signs point to... non-starter.

Is that about it? If so, yes. It's a bummer when a crush turns out to be a non-starter. It's disappointing if you had been hoping. BTDT.

I think it is best to take it with grace and let the hope go rather than try to make it be more than it is/was/can be. That's an exercise in frustration.

As for how to proceed? You decide if you still want to be daily chatting friends or not. Can you let a crush fade down and enjoy being friends with him still? Or not?

Galagirl

 

[vxnusflytrap]

And did he know you have a partner of 2 years at that point in time? Or did he think you were single?

He didn't. I didn't get to the point of telling him that yet. As I mentioned, I'm still new to everything regarding polyamory, so I don't know if I should tell him or not.

So he's basically telling you that he doesn't want to poly date you and this isn't gonna be a runner. Could thank him for being up front and honest about it.

I mean yes. If he doesn't want to poly date, that's completely fine with me. But he didn't say that, he was just like "I don't have anything against it but I'm not poly." so I don't know what that means.

So if he has nothing against poly... just prefers monogamy for himself? Why does he need to understand it like you do? He doesn't want any for him.

Is it that you are having a hard time accepting his "No, thanks. Don't want to poly date you" answer?
I could be wrong. But it doesn't sound like conflict. It sounds like disappointment that this won't turn into dating.

You are bummed out. You like him a lot and were secretly hoping but... He's monogamous, doesn't want to poly date, and even if he did? The LDR thing could become a drag so all signs point to... non-starter.

Is that about it? If so, yes. It's a bummer when a crush turns out to be a non-starter. It's disappointing if you had been hoping.
Best to take it with grace and let the hope go rather than try to make it be more than it is/was/can be. That's an exercise in frustration.

That's exactly it, I don't know if that's what I'm feeling. I guess it plays into my emotions, yes, but he still flirts with me and is really affectionate with me. If he wouldn't want anything to develop between us, then why would he say something like "Sometimes I want you to be mine." which he did yesterday for example. I don't know, I'm confused as to how to proceed. I don't want to destroy what we have. Not gonna lie, I'm kind of having a crisis about this situation right now

 

[vxnusflytrap]

What would be your ideal outcome?

Well, I'd like to make everyone comfortable with what's going on right now. I don't want to force anything onto people that they don't want. Therefore, I need a clear yes or no from his side, which I don't have at this very moment. The ideal outcome for me of course would be if he warms up to the idea of me exploring my poly side and trusting me enough to get involved with him romantically. I just don't know how to get there or how to talk about how we're going to proceed. The thing with him is that he is very closed off when it comes to his emotions. He doesn't like talking about what bothers him and he immediately shuts down, so it's just hard for me to find a good starting point for a conversation, you know?

 

[Token2]

This is A LOT of energy for a guy you haven't met, and IMO in your 1st foray into polyam - your boyfriend of 2 years who trusts and supports you in your poly journey deserves to be your priority.

Yes as well as you BUT...

Texting this guy for months and never mentioning you're in a relationship.

Hearing him say he isn't into 'sharing' yet still wanting to push ahead for romance - with a guy you've never met...

Those 2 aspects say to me that you're not showing loyalty to your real boyfriend who has not held you back. They're 2 big red flags - about you and your approach to others.

Be yourself, be honest and be big but also when you've been in a monogamous relationship and you're opening up for the 1st time, if you actually want that relationship to last as much as you want opening up to work - you tread carefully and with respect for the gift that person is giving you - their trust.

I wouldn't say this approach counts for relationships formed AFTER you become Polyam or open but as you start the journey 100%. Otherwise maybe it was always about doing whatever you want and not about relationships at all.

 

[vxnusflytrap]

This is A LOT of energy for a guy you haven't met, and IMO in your 1st foray into polyam - your boyfriend of 2 years who trusts and supports you in your poly journey deserves to be your priority.

Yes as well as you BUT...

Texting this guy for months and never mentioning you're in a relationship.

Hearing him say he isn't into 'sharing' yet still wanting to push ahead for romance - with a guy you've never met...

Those 2 aspects say to me that you're not showing loyalty to your real boyfriend who has not held you bad. They're 2 big red flags - about you and your approach to others.

Be yourself, be honest and be big but also when you've been in a monogamous relationship and you're opening up for the 1st time, if you actually want that relationship to last as much as you want opening up to work - you tread carefully and with respect for the gift that person is giving you - their trust.

I wouldn't say this approach counts for relationships formed AFTER you become Polyam or open but as you start the journey 100%. Otherwise maybe it was always about doing whatever you want and not about relationships at all.

I never thought about it like that. Thank you for the insight, really!
I need to learn a lot still, I know. I will try my best.

 

[ref2018]

Therefore, I need a clear yes or no from his side, which I don't have at this very moment.

What question did you ask him?

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Venus,

It seems to me that the problem is that the guy you met on Instagram doesn't really understand polyamory. You must help him understand it. Tell him to read the book, "Sex at Dawn: how we mate, why we stray, and what it means for modern relationships," by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá. After he does that, he will understand polyamory. Then, inform your current partner (of two years) that you will be taking on a second partner, in a polyamorous arrangement. Get an online calendar that all three of you can read and edit. Then you can coordinate when and where you will be spending time with each partner. The Instagram guy lives in the United States, so you will have to limit him to texts, phone calls, and the occasional overseas visit.

Just take it one step at a time.
Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[Eponine]

I didn't get to the point of telling him that yet. As I mentioned, I'm still new to everything regarding polyamory, so I don't know if I should tell him or not.

You definitely should tell him. You like each other, and sometimes he's flirty and affectionate. You're both clearly interested in dating, so he needs to know you already have a partner. That's what informed consent is about. Your not telling him makes me feel like you jumped into poly without doing much research.

If he doesn't want to poly date, that's completely fine with me. But he didn't say that, he was just like "I don't have anything against it but I'm not poly." so I don't know what that means.

I think he probably means he doesn't think there's anything wrong with poly, but it's not for him. Some monoamorous people could be okay with a poly relationship (i.e. they have only one partner, but their partner has others), but it doesn't sound like he's that kind, since he doesn't like the thought of "sharing" you with someone else.

 

[GalaGirl]

He didn't. I didn't get to the point of telling him that yet. As I mentioned, I'm still new to everything regarding polyamory, so I don't know if I should tell him or not.

If you were after friendship here? Why are you complicating it with date-y stuff?

If you were after poly dating? Polyamory is consensual non-monogamy. You just tell people how many other partners you already have. They tell you theirs. It's not meant to be kept hidden or a secret.

You also need to be clear with people what you are looking for sooner rather than later. Do not call it "friendship" if what you actually want is "poly dating."

Maybe you want to get the opening up book. Or take a look at

Practical Polyamory

Information on relationship skills, education and activism information related to the practice of polyamory; polyamory media resource.

practicalpolyamory.com

kathylabriola.com

Kathy's new zine published by Microcosm Guide to Happy Polydays: How Polyamorous People Can Thrive Between Thanksgiving and New Year's Book Reviews by Kathy Labriola:See Below_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

www.kathylabriola.com

Take a time out from trying to poly date to figure out the HOW first?

It's one of the pitfalls. To jump in without enough knowledge or skills.

https://practicalpolyamory.com/images/A._Wagner_-_Avoid_the_Pitfalls_of_Polyamory.pdf

I mean yes. If he doesn't want to poly date, that's completely fine with me. But he didn't say that, he was just like "I don't have anything against it but I'm not poly." so I don't know what that means.

That means he doesn't have anything against poly for other people. But he is not poly. He doesn't want any. Respect him at his word.

Don't try to "convince."

Don't be like fresh, pushy people who don't take "no" for an answer.

Accept his no. You aren't gonna get any poly dates out of him.

Plus he's been up front about having a lot of trouble with jealousy and possessiveness and all that stuff.

So why would you sign up here for that? Rather than dodge the bullet?

I don't want to force anything onto people that they don't want. Therefore, I need a clear yes or no from his side, which I don't have at this very moment.

He's not into poly. That's already a no.

You don't have to wait for "No. I don't want to date you. BECAUSE I'm not into poly."

You already don't have a clear, enthusiastic "yes." Anything else? You could just count it as a "no" and just move on with you life.

Why bother trying to change his mind? Or complicate your life? Your other partner it trusting you to handle yourself and not bring home wacky or get involved with weird.

The ideal outcome for me of course would be if he warms up to the idea of me exploring my poly side and trusting me enough to get involved with him romantically.

Isn't the ideal to find someone else who is already enthusiastic yes about poly? Doesn't need explaining? Is fine with you having another partner already? Can be emotionally open? Doesn't struggle with jealousy or possessiveness? Is not healing from trauma? Lives in your area rather than another country? Because you are a poly newbie and want your first experiences to be like a nice easy walk? And not like climbing impossible mountains?

Why so stuck on this guy who comes with so much stuff and isn't into poly?

Why do you have to explore your poly side with him?

The thing with him is that he is very closed off when it comes to his emotions. He doesn't like talking about what bothers him and he immediately shuts down,

And this is attractive for you?

he still flirts with me and is really affectionate with me. If he wouldn't want anything to develop between us, then why would he say something like "Sometimes I want you to be mine." which he did yesterday for example.

That is where YOU could give YOUR clear "No."

"Look, I asked you out. You said you are not poly and do not want to poly date.
I'm not dumping my other partner either. So it isn't gonna be us dating monogamously either.

So if this is going to be friendship? No, thank you. No flirting. And no telling me that sometimes you want me to be yours. That's giving mixed signals and I don't like that.

If we can't keep it in the friend bucket, then let's just part ways."

YOU could be firm.

I don't know, I'm confused as to how to proceed. I don't want to destroy what we have.

You have a crush on a non-starter who doesn't want any poly but flirts and confuses you.

To unconfuse, you could ask him to straigthen up his behavior around you and keep it in the friend bucket.

He can't or won't? You walk away. Because he doesn't respect your limits. And behavior like that is not friendly. Keep it simpler on you.

You have a crush on him, but really? You haven't known him that long. Just a few months. It's not a huge loss. There are other people in the world to poly date. Other people to friend too, if he doesn't meet your expectations for friendship.

SOMEONE has to be your first poly-crush thing person. It doesn't mean you have to stay stuck on them for life. Esp if he's already kind of a drag/confusing.

Not trying to be mean. Just saying... help your first poly encounters go WELL by learning some stuff first and then shopping at the right store to begin with. Not just trying to "make do" with whoever is around that you find attractive.

Going after people who aren't even poly? That right there should stop you from pursuing them. Save yourself some headaches.

Don't bend into pretzels just to get to try poly. Seek more compatible people instead.

Galagirl

 

[vxnusflytrap]

Hello Venus,

It seems to me that the problem is that the guy you met on Instagram doesn't really understand polyamory. You must help him understand it. Tell him to read the book, "Sex at Dawn: how we mate, why we stray, and what it means for modern relationships," by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá. After he does that, he will understand polyamory. Then, inform your current partner (of two years) that you will be taking on a second partner, in a polyamorous arrangement. Get an online calendar that all three of you can read and edit. Then you can coordinate when and where you will be spending time with each partner. The Instagram guy lives in the United States, so you will have to limit him to texts, phone calls, and the occasional overseas visit.

Just take it one step at a time.
Regards,
Kevin T.

Hey Kevin, that's great advice! Thank you so much!

 

[vxnusflytrap]

If you were after friendship here? Why are you complicating it with date-y stuff?

If you were after poly dating? Polyamory is consensual non-monogamy. You just tell people how many other partners you already have. They tell you yours. It's not mean to be kept hidden or a secret.

You also need to be clear with people what you are looking for sooner rather than later. Do not call it "friendship" if what you actually want is "poly dating."

Maybe you want to get the opening up book. Or take a look at

Practical Polyamory

Information on relationship skills, education and activism information related to the practice of polyamory; polyamory media resource.

practicalpolyamory.com

kathylabriola.com

Kathy's new zine published by Microcosm Guide to Happy Polydays: How Polyamorous People Can Thrive Between Thanksgiving and New Year's Book Reviews by Kathy Labriola:See Below_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

www.kathylabriola.com

Take a time out from trying to poly date to figure out the HOW first?

It's one of the pitfalls. To jump in without enough knowledge or skills.

https://practicalpolyamory.com/images/A._Wagner_-_Avoid_the_Pitfalls_of_Polyamory.pdf

That means he doesn't have anything against poly for other people. But he is not poly. He doesn't want any. Respect him at his word.

Don't try to "convince."

Don't be like fresh, pushy people who don't take "no" for an answer.

Accept his no. You aren't gonna get any poly dates out of him.

Plus he's been up front about having a lot of trouble with jealousy and possessiveness and all that stuff.

So why would you sign up here for that? Rather than dodge the bullet?



He's not into poly. That's already a no.

You don't have to wait for "No. I don't want to date you. BECAUSE I'm not into poly."

You already don't have a clear, enthusiastic "yes." Anything else? You could just count it as a "no" and just move on with you life.

Why bother trying to change his mind? Or complicate your life? Your other partner it trusting you to handle yourself and not bring home wacky or get involved with weird.



Isn't the ideal to find someone else who is already enthusiastic yes about poly? Doesn't need explaining? Is fine with you having another partner already? Can be emotionally open? Doesn't struggle with jealousy or possessiveness? Is not healing from trauma? Lives in your area rather than another country? Because you are a poly newbie and want your first experiences to be like a nice easy walk? And not like climbing impossible mountains?

Why so stuck on this guy who comes with so much stuff and isn't into poly?

Why do you have to explore your poly side with him?



And this is attractive for you?



That is where YOU could give YOUR clear "No."

"Look, I asked you out. You said you are not poly and do not want to poly date.
I'm not dumping my other partner either. So it isn't gonna be us dating monogamously either.

So if this is going to be friendship? No, thank you. No flirting. And no telling me that sometimes you want me to be yours. That's giving mixed signals and I don't like that.

If we can't keep it in the friend bucket, then let's just part ways."

YOU could be firm.



You have a crush on a non-starter who doesn't want any poly but flirts and confuses you.

To unconfuse, you could ask him to straigthen up his behavior around you and keep it in the friend bucket.

He can't or won't? You walk away. Because he doesn't respect your limits. And behavior like that is not friendly. Keep it simpler on you.

You have a crush on him, but really? You haven't known him that long. Just a few months. It's not a huge loss. There are other people in the world to poly date. Other people to friend too, if he doesn't meet your expectations for friendship.

SOMEONE has to be your first poly-crush thing person. It doesn't mean you have to stay stuck on them for life. Esp if he's already kinda of a drag/confusing.

Not trying to be mean. Just saying... help your first poly encounters go WELL by learning some stuff first and then shopping at the right store to begin with. Not just trying to "make do" with whoever is around that you find attractive.

Going after people who aren't even poly? That right there should stop you from pursuing them. Save yourself some headaches.

Don't bend into pretzels just to get to try poly. Seek more compatible people instead.

Galagirl

Thank you so much Galagirl. I know you're not trying to be mean, but I appreciate your clarification. I need to do a lot of research, yes. I know, and I will definitely read through what you linked here.