BenDamaged
New member
This is a long and complicated story, but I'll try to condense it as much as possible. My wife and I have dated on and off for 11 years, been married for 2 years, and have been poly the entire time.
My wife met a new partner(47m) 5 months ago that more closely lines up with her wants/needs financially, emotionally, sexually, and mentally. He's aggressive. She's aggressive. He's independent, and so is she. Their only hiccup is their political and sociological views.
Her and I have had our bumps in the relationship as of late. My private practice is still getting off the ground, so I'm not able to bring a lot of money into the relationship currently. Also, my ADHD and mental health can be a drain on the relationship because sometimes I perceive things as slights, including my stepkids incredibly rude behavior, and my wife and I have had to process my bullshit pretty often throughout the relationship.
She told me the things that have been bothering her, so I started working harder on my business and being more independent, as well as not taking her aggressive nature personally. I'd say I've been doing a phenomenal job in my progress, but now my wife's tone has changed ever since meeting new bf. Now she's saying that even if I change the things that have been a drain on the marriage, we still may not be compatible/the best fit. She feels the age gap is too much, and she doesn't like always having to be the bigger energy in the relationship. She feels like she's always had to be my "mommy."
This week, she admitted that she sees me more as a strong best friend with benefits, while her bf is everything she's been looking for in a long-term partner. He provides that chill, laid back Southern down-home lifestyle she's been fantasizing about since she was little. Plus, they are very passionate and romantic towards each other, and he makes her feel like the smaller energy for once in her life; around him she wants for nothing and everything is taken care of for her. He makes her feel like a woman she tells me.
She has said that once our nearly adult children (my stepkids) are graduated and out of the house (a process that could be within the next year and a half to 3 years depending), she would like to restructure the relationship. She wants to transition to living with her boyfriend and having him as her primary, and seeing me on the side during the 3 weeks he's out of town for work.
She's incredibly important to me, and I love her too much to just sever ties with her completely. And equally for her, I'm very important to her, and she wants me in her life regardless of what capacity we're in. She has said that I'm a soul mate; a forever connection that is near and dear to her heart and has a beautiful connection with that she would put her foot down with her bf about. (He's not naturally poly. He's mono and has already come across as a little possessive in some ways. But she admitted he checks enough boxes that she would be OK with being mono with him, except for seeing me.)
How does one cope and be OK with transitioning from being a primary to a secondary partner? Has anyone experienced this particular situation? Has it worked for you? How do you just stay friends (with benefits) with someone you saw yourself growing old and raising grand babies with?
My wife met a new partner(47m) 5 months ago that more closely lines up with her wants/needs financially, emotionally, sexually, and mentally. He's aggressive. She's aggressive. He's independent, and so is she. Their only hiccup is their political and sociological views.
Her and I have had our bumps in the relationship as of late. My private practice is still getting off the ground, so I'm not able to bring a lot of money into the relationship currently. Also, my ADHD and mental health can be a drain on the relationship because sometimes I perceive things as slights, including my stepkids incredibly rude behavior, and my wife and I have had to process my bullshit pretty often throughout the relationship.
She told me the things that have been bothering her, so I started working harder on my business and being more independent, as well as not taking her aggressive nature personally. I'd say I've been doing a phenomenal job in my progress, but now my wife's tone has changed ever since meeting new bf. Now she's saying that even if I change the things that have been a drain on the marriage, we still may not be compatible/the best fit. She feels the age gap is too much, and she doesn't like always having to be the bigger energy in the relationship. She feels like she's always had to be my "mommy."
This week, she admitted that she sees me more as a strong best friend with benefits, while her bf is everything she's been looking for in a long-term partner. He provides that chill, laid back Southern down-home lifestyle she's been fantasizing about since she was little. Plus, they are very passionate and romantic towards each other, and he makes her feel like the smaller energy for once in her life; around him she wants for nothing and everything is taken care of for her. He makes her feel like a woman she tells me.
She has said that once our nearly adult children (my stepkids) are graduated and out of the house (a process that could be within the next year and a half to 3 years depending), she would like to restructure the relationship. She wants to transition to living with her boyfriend and having him as her primary, and seeing me on the side during the 3 weeks he's out of town for work.
She's incredibly important to me, and I love her too much to just sever ties with her completely. And equally for her, I'm very important to her, and she wants me in her life regardless of what capacity we're in. She has said that I'm a soul mate; a forever connection that is near and dear to her heart and has a beautiful connection with that she would put her foot down with her bf about. (He's not naturally poly. He's mono and has already come across as a little possessive in some ways. But she admitted he checks enough boxes that she would be OK with being mono with him, except for seeing me.)
How does one cope and be OK with transitioning from being a primary to a secondary partner? Has anyone experienced this particular situation? Has it worked for you? How do you just stay friends (with benefits) with someone you saw yourself growing old and raising grand babies with?
