Poly w/ some Cuckold Themes

U

UndercoverPoly

New member
Hello. I am looking for some guidance. I think I may have been dabbling in the idea of poly and trying to approach to re-approach the topic with my wife of 10 years. We have been together for 15. Our sex life has always been great and our marriage is pretty rock-solid and we communicate very well. There was a point where I wanted to introduce more "fun" into the relationship and I started to talk to her about her fantasies and what gets her going. She was vanilla in a lot of ways even though our sex was still good. She said she had no fantasies, and she doesn't masturbate or really do anything like that. I really had a desire to share her, or to see her with others. This may be part of a kink, but deep down it comes from my desire to see her pleased and at maximum pleasure.
I told her about this during sex and she did not react well. I played it off and kind of kept this fantasy as subdued as I could but its still there. We have introduced more things, we now do sex toys together much more fun sexting even "role playing" w bbc and she has came a long way and she initiates a lot of it now. When the discussion of other people comes up, she has been pretty apprehensive to it, but this has all been from a completely sexual standpoint as I am very sex driven and she is not quite on that level, though she does enjoy to have fun.
About six months ago my sister who is poly asked my wife is she would be poly "with her" Not directly but said she wanted more poly friends. She did this behind my back so I'm not sure her motivation or if someone she knew wanted to date my wife. My wife was very surprised and asked me later my thoughts. At the time I really wasnt too big a fan as was more in tune with purely sexual alternative lifestyles and not thing s where my wife would get an emotional attachment to others. My biggest fear would always be to lose my wife. She is the most important thing and I would never want to damage our relationship. We talk about that moment occasionally but never move past it. We continue to do other fun sexual things and talk about them but havent explored w/ other people.
I have learned or I believe that my wife is demi-sexual, even though I just learned this term. I think that she only is attracted or has sexual feelings or wants to hook up with those who she has a emotional connection with on some level. She even metntioned this when we talked about my sisters proposition. She only had a few partners before me and almost everyone she slept with she was in a relationship with. The fact she really isnt that sexual either but gets very excited to do things with me as well. So I guess the question I am asking is if poly could potentially be for me, and for us? I envision if she was open to poly of it mostly being her being the one that was poly, and going on dates. I dont know if I would want to be in a one sided relationship but I don't see myself taking advantage of the option as I mostly just want to see my wife explore with others and have fun. I know I would enjoy her more dating around than having deep emotional connections that could be a threat to our love, maybe that sounds insecure and not what poly is really about. I also really like to watch and I dont know if that happens much in poly or if that is more exclusive to cuckold and stag/vixen relationships and everything is kept more private in poly relationships.

I'm sure I sound confused but I'm just trying to figured some things out and a best path forward
 
Hello UndercoverPoly,

It sounds like you are hoping for a mono/poly relationship with your wife. You just don't want her to have deep emotional connections that could be a threat to your love.

Like you, some polyamorists like to watch, there is nothing wrong with that. You don't have to be like everyone else. You can just abide by what works for you (and your wife).

I think poly could potentially be for you.
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Poly can absolutely allow watching, etc., but it's not really built into it. The 'amory' part of polyamory means love. If your wife is demisexual, then she would want an emotional bond before having sex. Are you OK with that? It will not necessarily mean that she would leave you. I want to be VERY clear about that. I am fully in love with my wife. I am fully in love with my gf. My gf is fully in love with her other partner. My wife is not currently in love with someone else (I mean in a relationship), but she has been. All of that is possible, and when it's working, it's pretty great! Your wife having emotions with another man will NOT mean she must leave you. That's the big secret to poly...well, one of them!

But you sound like you have a cuckold fantasy, and I'm not sure that's the same thing. Swingers often do that, and swingers (if we are making such distinctions) often have a sex with no emotion kind of arrangement. Poly is more about emotions (though obviously there is sex too).

Opening Up is a book often recommended. I would read it, if I were you, and make sure you communicate with your wife FULLY. Does she really want what you want here, and if so, how do you get there in a way you both feel safe engaging?
 
Openbook23 said:
Poly can absolutely allow watching, etc., but it's not really built into it. The 'amory' part of polyamory means love. If your wife is demisexual, then she would want an emotional bond before having sex. Are you OK with that? It will not necessarily mean that she would leave you. I want to be VERY clear about that. I am fully in love with my wife. I am fully in love with my gf. My gf is fully in love with her other partner. My wife is not currently in love with someone else (I mean in a relationship), but she has been. All of that is possible, and when it's working, it's pretty great! Your wife having emotions with another man will NOT mean she must leave you. That's the big secret to poly...well, one of them!

But you sound like you have a cuckold fantasy, and I'm not sure that's the same thing. Swingers often do that, and swingers (if we are making such distinctions) often have a sex with no emotion kind of arrangement. Poly is more about emotions (though obviously there is sex too).

Opening Up is a book often recommended. I would read it, if I were you, and make sure you communicate with your wife FULLY. Does she really want what you want here, and if so, how do you get there in a way you both feel safe engaging?
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I appreciate all the feedback and I know i will need to have an honest conversation with my wife. We were recently talking about the situation when she was propositioned for poly last night and she mentioned how her biggest issue w poly is if I was dating other people it would make her feel like she wasn't enough. So I know for this to work it would probably be a 1 sided relationship where I am mono and she is poly. I guess I just have to come to grips w the fact if I can deal w the emotional side for her and how much that would affect me.
 
You might feel differently about the whole thing after you read Opening Up. Right now, as it stands, you seem to be wading in murky waters.

Your wife is not highly sexual, but she really loves and trusts you, and so can gradually get into things you like, such as fantasies and toys. However, there is a huge difference between fantasies and reality, when it comes to loving others, or having sex with others.

I feel there is a chance delving into an open relationship could go badly for you, as a couple. Your wife can only have sex with those she loves. She also does not want to go through the whole rigamarole of knowing you are having sex (potentially falling in love with) someone else.

You don't want her to fall in love with someone else. You don't want her to have a relationship with someone else. You don't really care about the love part. You just want to watch her get fucked by someone else.

Can you see how at odds everything is?

Another book you might want to read is Sex at Dawn. It is an anthropological study of how "humans mate and why we stray." The premise is that humans have always been naturally promiscuous (like all mammals and birds), and that monogamy is a social construct that goes against our biological nature, causing a massive disconnect and confusion in our psyches. This theory is well-backed by evidence.

However, monogamy (especially for women) has been around since the patriarchy began, at least 4000 years ago. Most people hold to it, as least in theory. Therefore, both married men and women are afraid that if they open their relationships, their spouses will find someone "better" and leave them, end the marriage. And in fact, many people are so invested in monogamy that they are incapable of loving two people at once. That sounds like your wife. If she fell in love with someone else to the point of having sex with them, she might monogamously pair bond with him and fall out of love with you.

And on a more practical simple level, there aren't too many decent, respectable and respectful men out there who want to have sex with a woman while her husband watches. Back in tribal times though, when people lived in caves or longhouses, culturally it was quite common to see others having sex. (A theory in Sex at Dawn is that women evolved to be vocal during sex in order for other men to be aware she was "in the mood" [probably ovulating], attracting them to get in line and have intercourse with her in turn.) So, your desire is primal and not any kind of perversion. It's just difficult to make happen with a demisexual woman such as your wife.
 
Please take Magdlyn's post to heart. There's currently a disconnect between what you want and where everyone is. It could take time to bridge that, and it may never happen. There's nothing wrong with having a cuckold fantasy, but the very fact that you think of it in those terms buys into the notion that our partners belong to us in some sort of possessive way. When my wife has sex with another man, I can feel compersion, sometimes jealousy (not much anymore, but sometimes)...but I never feel like a cuckold, because I don't think of my partners as belonging to me. Thus, there is no sense in which I feel shamed by her experience or whatever the feeling cuckolding is meant to induce.

Your wife, OTOH, thinks of love as something that fills a person and comes from one other person. More simply, she's monogamous. Could that change? Yeah, but probably not just because you ask her. Now, if she is considering polamory, that's a good sign, but if she still thinks it would be for her but not you, that's a bad sign. Polyamory works best when everyone is secure with themselves and does not think of partners as belonging to them per se. We CHOOSE to be with our partners, and they choose to be with us, not because they must (married, monogamous commitment, etc.) but because they WANT to be. Someone saying "You shouldn't need anyone but me" is not ready for polyamory...not yet, anyway. Doing it anyway is dangerous. It MIGHT work...lots of things might happen. But it's a red flag for sure.
 
Openbook23 said:
Please take Magdlyn's post to heart. There's currently a disconnect between what you want and where everyone is. It could take time to bridge that, and it may never happen. There's nothing wrong with having a cuckold fantasy, but the very fact that you think of it in those terms buys into the notion that our partners belong to us in some sort of possessive way. When my wife has sex with another man, I can feel compersion, sometimes jealousy (not much anymore, but sometimes)...but I never feel like a cuckold, because I don't think of my partners as belonging to me. Thus, there is no sense in which I feel shamed by her experience or whatever the feeling cuckolding is meant to induce.

Your wife, OTOH, thinks of love as something that fills a person and comes from one other person. More simply, she's monogamous. Could that change? Yeah, but probably not just because you ask her. Now, if she is considering polamory, that's a good sign, but if she still thinks it would be for her but not you, that's a bad sign. Polyamory works best when everyone is secure with themselves and does not think of partners as belonging to them per se. We CHOOSE to be with our partners, and they choose to be with us, not because they must (married, monogamous commitment, etc.) but because they WANT to be. Someone saying "You shouldn't need anyone but me" is not ready for polyamory...not yet, anyway. Doing it anyway is dangerous. It MIGHT work...lots of things might happen. But it's a red flag for sure.
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I have enjoyed both of your post, and these are great insights into my situation. I definitely don't want to give off the vibe that she belongs to me or is a possession, anymore than in a monogamous relationship how you give yourself to each other fully and there are certain expectations placed on that relationship. But I don't think of my wife as my possession at all. I don't think of myself as a full on cuckold, but I really do desire to see her pleased in every way and would like to see her given even more than I give her. Though our intimate sex life is rewarding and I can satisy her there. Maybe I'm just insatiable though and looking for the next thing. But yes I don't feel shame or humiliation and my wife is usually not into the big humiliation part of the sexual spectrum either. She definitely sees me as her man and respects me as so.

My wife has had some curiosity about the poly life but she was almost turned off by some parts of it, but most of that comes from sharing your partner, as she is turned off by sharing. She did mention specifically the other night if we were poly and I was seeing someone else she would feel like she wasn't enough for me. I believe in order for this to work I'm sure that it would be a one-sided poly relationship and she would be the one being poly and dating around. It seems it would be better if I had the option but just did not act on it than having a rule that I was to stay monogamous and she was being poly. But at the right moment I think that we would need to have lots of conversation about what would happen and what it would look like.
 
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